Ex husband insisting he needs money from me

[ginfairy79]

I'll try and keep this short and factual as am far too tied up in the emotions and anxiety of the situation.

Divorced from ex H over 2 years ago. Kind of amicably. Two DC. He has them on average 2 nights a week, sometimes more, but all the school runs are done by me. I do most of holiday care. He's having 1 week off with them first week of August.

Ex H in a lot of debt although has good job. Earns around 26k. We live in Scotland do that's a good wage m

I earn about 40k but get the child benefit.

I pay for everything - the childminder fees (£750 a month), all dinner money, trips, stuff they need etc.

I don't ask him for maintenance ... and here's the problem - for the 3.5 years we've been separated he has insisted I need to give him money or he can't afford to live and will stop being able to have the DC overnight. This has been up to £500 a month but is now less.

Thing is he now has a very public relationship with girlfriend (18 months) - lots of stuff done as a 'family' etc with her 2 small children. Lots of nice days out to places that cost lots of money to get in and he gets the train very regularly to meet her as she lives an hour or so away. I know he paints me as the mad ex so not very grateful of my support. They're not living together though but I feel that they have plenty of money to pay for their lives themselves.

I can't think straight any more. I have debts and could do with that money but is it best for the DC not to rock the boat and carry on giving it to him? They seem to like their time with him.

I'm in a relationship too and this definitely isn't a case of wanting him back. I'm actually happy he seems to be settled by then he should consider his other responsibilities first. I just am worried for the DC what will happen if I stop bankrolling him.

So wise mumsnetters what do I do?

And to top it all off op.
Based on the dc's staying with him 2-3 nights a week. He should be giving you £57 a week.

More money the weasel is robbing from his children.

Stop the gravy train and Csa his arse.

My ex played the "i need money or I won't be able to keep a roof over my head and then the boys won't be able to come over" card. I lent him money after he gave me a signed letter stating how much he'd pay me back each month. This lasted all of 4 months and he just stopped, no explanation.
That's the last time I've lent or given him money (and our salaries are ballpark similar to yours).
He still has a roof over his head, but sees the boys even less.
Contact has all but disappeared, although now the eldest is 17 he doesn't like going on holidays with me and DS2 so he goes to his Dad's (if I can get hold of him to arrange it). Last time I did I sent DS1 with money for food, as his Dad claimed he wouldn't be able to afford to feed him otherwise (figured it was still cheaper than taking DS1 on holiday with us...).
I sure as hell wouldn't be paying him £100s per month.
If your ex stops contact that's down to him and him alone.
You don't say what age your children are, but they know you are the one there for them consistently.

Pay off your own debts first.
Pay for things your children need now and save for the support you'll be proud to give them in the future.

Thank you everyone.

I do know what to do and it's so obvious in black and white

Just need to shake that guilt ...

I am genuinely shocked that you are paying money a man to whom you are not married and who earns a decent wage.

He is taking you for a complete and utter fool. What a piece of work this man is.

Please stop giving him money. And then contact the CSA (or whatever they are called now) and get the maintenance from him that you are entitled to.

If he stops seeing the kids as retaliation, that shows you and them how pathetic he is.

Be strong! He is a grown up who needs a reality check. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
My ex doesn't pay me a penny and lets me pay for most things my DC need but never in a month of Sundays would he ask me for money. You are not obligated to fund his lifestyle.

Sweet Jesus fuck
Tell him you can no longer afford to give him money, and that in fact legally it's him that should be paying you child support. Tell him you have already given him 15k since the divorce, and he won't be getting another penny from you.
If he doesn't bother with the kids after this, it's his fault if he's a shit dad.
I don't think you need to worry about him trying to get custody, I'm sure he knows how much it would cost him to have the dc full time.

Why guilt?
He's taking you for a ride.

stop!

He's basically telling you that he does not love his children enough to see them without being paid.

Why should you feel guilty? He should be hanging his head in shame!

Tell him that you will no longer pay him to be in his children's lives. He either loves them and wants to be with them or he doesn't.

He's taking the piss- you know that, right?

Go to the CSA.

They will decide what should be paid, and they can get it from him.

You don't need this stress on top of a job, kids, house etc.

Do not speak to him. Put the money you give to him towards a lawyer telling him politely and legally to fuck off! (The legal way to do this is to say that there is absolutely no legal basis to any claim by him for money from you and payments will be ceasing immediately)

Contact the CSA immediately too

It is correct that both parents should act in the best interests of DC and facilitate a relationship with the other. That does not extend to one parent paying the other parent to see the children

You're in Scotland and were unmarried? You have absolutely no ongoing obligation to aliment (fund) him and any Sheriff would piss them self laughing before throwing the case out.

you don't need a lawyer to tell him you aren't giving him money any more. Just stop. And call the CSA today too. Try and recoup the money you gave him to see his kids. Children are not pay per view - but I have never ever heard of a mother paying a father to see his children. It is beyond ludicrous.

ginfairy79,
Stop this nonsense now!

See a solicitor and get this sorted. There is no reason in hell why you should support him and his floosey.

He's taking you for a total mug! Don't pay him a penny and if he stops seeing his children, tell people why-what else are you scared of?!

stop paying him!! and ask for it back

I would send a lawyer's letter for the simple fact it removes you from the issue of telling him - which I can see is a concern

Plus, speaking as a lawyer (albeit not a family one), cheeky bastards like this have some brass neck and it's often only when a third party tells them to bog off that they do.

You all speak so much sense and I do know it.

I can't shake those feelings but it's what I did in the marriage - pay for everything. It's what my mother did for my father. You don't need to be a psychologist to see the pattern.

It was kind of ok when I felt we had an amicable relationship and almost friendship. But he's now blocked me on Facebook and I have evidence of him being derogatory about me. On top of him very openly posting photos on instagram etc of them and all the children together. When I commented on this (cheerfully) I was then blocked along with all mutual friends. Presumably he thinks if I can't see it it isn't happening.

He is absolutely entitled to do that (although given I've been supportive the nasty bit is unfair).

So as far as I'm concerned he's made his choices

But the guilt ...

So. At least now I know I'm not completely unfair. Just to work on my head now! !!

Thank you all

Thing is, someone has to break the cycle. Do you want your daughters to work their hands to the bone supporting their husbands/exhusbands and putting up with the crap? Because if they think that is the norm...

You are paying him to see his kids and if you stop paying him he'll stop seeing them??? What sort of father is he. You're paying for him to go out with his girlfriends children. I don't even know what to say, you know what you have to do.

Is this a joke? lol.

A seemingly intelligent woman, paying her ex to see her children? My word...stop it now completely. If he stops seeing the kids, well that is his loss.

I bet he takes the right piss out of you to his girlfriend "Oh look, she's given me 200 this month! she's so soft."

You are making yourself look pathetic. Go to csa, force him to pay for his children and I bet after bit moaning, he will still want see his kids but if he doesn't...sorry but you cannot pay someone to be interested in their children! One of the strangest threads I read on here!!

so he is not only treating you like a cashpoint he is slagging you off to all and sundry.

Will you please call CMO and start your child maintenance claim today? That will help clear your debts quicker too.

How old are your DC? I'd tell them age appropriately that their father wants you to pay him to have contact and you need money to run your own household.

It fucks me off I end when the RP(generally) the mother has to tiptoe and bend over backwards to keep the ex sweet incase he stops having contact with the children and lames her.

Tell the children the facts, don't cover for the arsehole.

Get to the CSA and stop bankrolling your ex

Wowzers - I don't think I've ever seen anything so outrageous on here!
Yes work on your head.
Your Ex should be paying YOU!!!
Use the money you've been paying him to get counselling for yourself to understand why you put up with this kind behaviour.
Also contact Womens Aid. Sign up to attend their Freedom Programme. Your brain needs rewiring to see abusive men. You'll just end up in another relationship like this otherwise and it's soooo not OK or normal.

The guilt has no rational basis whatsoever. Your ex husband is on a fairly decent wage (I've lived on a lot less) and realistically has no need at all of your money. It's all very well for a woman to fund a man (or vice versa) if/when he's spending more, in time or money terms, on the children or previously curtailed his own career to look after them. But when you're doing the majority of the looking after as well as the earning, he neither needs nor deserves a handout from someone he doesn't even share a life with any more. If the condition of him spending time with his own children is that you pay him hundreds of pounds a month to do so I am not sure you're doing them any favours in the longer term. And what are you teaching your DC? Be a mug or find one to sponge off? I doubt this is what you want them to learn their future should be like.

And you realise your ex is on £32,000.00 when we include your payments to him £6k of that being tax free.

And you're on £34,000.00 after paying your ex and everything taxed.

Now deduct your childcare/mortgage etc. you're living on a lot less and therefore spending a lot less on your children because you're financing your ex's lifestyle.

You have no obligation to suport another adult especially now you're divorced. He will have to manage on his own. Stop giving him money