Is my husband controlling? Or is he correct in his long term plan?

[020523a]

Sorry in advance about the length of this post but I would dearly love some open opinions on my story. I am in a great marriage for the past 20 years and have a very loving attentive husband. We both have good jobs and a few years ago before the crash we invested in some property. We have a large house and our finances are in good order. To aid the payment of extra mortgages we take in lodgers to our house Mon - Fri where I cook/clean for them and my family (2 boys + hubby). I work from home, long hours with the US so my day can be quite hectic. My issue is that my hubby controls our money, I can't spend a penny (apart from supermarket shopping). He makes me feel so guilty ... BUT, I know we have over 250,000 in savings and we are fine! But he want's to save up 500,000 so that we won't have any mortgages when we retire and can live comfortably. We go on a holiday once a year, but we can never order anything over £10 on the menu as we have to watch our money. Myself and the boys can't buy anything ... he holds the purse at all times. I didn't really mind it too much until my father died a few months ago. Now, I would like to treat my mum to the odd sunday lunch out or go to a movie or something with her (we never eat out or go anywhere outside our 1 vacation a year).... but he is quite controlling on when I see her and would not approve of this. He also doesn't like me going out with friends, since we got married I have actually lost all my girlfriends and feel very alone. I don't know what to do ... he is such a good, loving husband and just wants to spend time with his family but I feel very claustrophobic at the moment. I love him dearly but whenever we talk about money he shuts me down and says I don't understand the "bigger picture". I have come up with other solutions so that we don't have to keep lodgers as we don't need them but he loves the cash coming in every week and doesn't want to give it up. I can see that this is selfish but what do I do ... I honestly can't see a way out of this. Am I the one being selfish? The only way I can get anything done in the house or as a treat is if I save up (unknown to him) £20 from the shopping each week. I even have to save to give the boys a bit of cash as he doesn't think they need it (they are 17 & 15). What can I do? I feel so lonely and I feel so lost ...... I can't do anything ... I wanted to join a gym £25 per month and he told me to go out walking .. much better for me! There always seems to be a cheaper way to do things and that's the way we do it ..... help!

There is always, without fail, two sides to every story. If my husband was being a controlling twunt there are two people that would know about it ASAP, my mother and my GF's, wouldn't yours? It certainly wouldn't happen for 20 years without alarm bells, so I'm going with this not being a 100% controlling husband thing but perhaps just a situation where some channels of communication need to be opened and for the OP to stand up and say to her Dh that he's being too cautious.

Get you own account for you wages. He can easily cancel a dd set up on your joint one.

OP, you've been bombarded with overwhelming support and advice. It must be over whelming. Do, please, keep reading and posting.

Tell us more about your DH. What hours does he work? Hobbies? Lifestyle? Does he take cash from the lodgers? Does he socialise at all? What time does he spend with his DS's? Does he help with housework, homework (DS's schooling)? I need more of a picture and I think, whatever you do next, you need to do it without alerting him too much. Making sure that your name is on all the documents (bank) immediately.

Please keep talking to us. Delete all your browsing history now - what device are you using to access Mumsnet/other internet?

Hope you're ok OP.

He's not being too cautious , he's being abusive .

He has all the money , knowledge , choices and power, she has none . Can't you see how wrong that is ?

It's not about how much or how little money they have or how they manage it , it's about him controlling her .

If he treats his wife like this, how do you think he treats the kids ? That would be the teenagers who " don't need money " while dads got hundreds of thousands in savings and property .

StaceyAndTracey - are your questions directed at me?

Sorry No, hex, they were directed at tomatoes, who said her husband wasn't controlling, just cautious . I just type too slowly [ blush]

I agree with your post

No probs (another one fingered typist here).

OP at the very, very least is a modern day Scrooge and at the very worst, an abuser. Living with a Scrooge is abusive in itself too but OP is at last waking up to this reality (I say that as gently as I can). OP - tell us more, something has to change and we can support you.

Bloody hell. I've read threads where sahms don't have enough access to their husbands' money but never come across an example of someone not being able to access their own hard earned cash
As you have a nee job you absolutely must set up your own bank account and have your new salary paid in there. You can always set up a standing order to send a chunk to the joint account. You also need to see proof of the savings, and check that they are in your name as well as his asap. Best case scenario he gives you full access to everything immediately. If he won't, you need urgent legal advice before divorcing him and running away with your kids.

Just re-read your op. You work ft and do ALL the cleaning and cooking for your family and the lodgers??!! also unacceptable. He should be doing half. Also with YOUR new salary which will be paid into YOUR account you can now pay for a cleaner.

Sorry meant to add lodgers should be doing their own cooking and cleaning surely.

All your salary must go into your own account and until you have seen tangible evidence of where ALL of the family money actually is, I would not be paying anything into the joint account.

It sounds like he has been robbing you for years and years.
If there is actually 250k or any significant savings it needs to be paid off the mortgage. Anything else is ridiculous.

Let's look at this another way. Rather than demonising the OP's husband, whom she says she loves, it's important to recognise that she has been complicit in this arrangement without framing it as abuse for twenty years. At some point this seemed like a good idea to the OP but now it isn't.

The OP's husband might not be an arch bastard in her eyes. He might just have taken "jam tomorrow, never jam today" waaaay too far.

The key will be how they negotiate the changes to rebalance, and how they both are able to recognise how things got like this in the first place.

Hopefully OP will update us but I'm struggling to believe that noone else has pointed out to OP in 20 years that this scenario is not on.

020523a I suspect this crept up on you gradually, he didn't just take your autonomy away when you met. I imagine it was a subtle and fairly slow takeover in small ways where you would have felt bad or petty (or maybe scared?) if you had resisted. It's hard to look back and find a point where you can say "There! There it started".

You say you have a good marriage to an attentive and loving man. I can't imagine - and few people here can either, it seems - an attentive and loving man expecting his darling wife to cook and clean for strangers in her home while she alsoorks ft, looks after 2 children; in fact, I can't imagine an attentive and loving husband foisting strangers on his family at all unless the financial situation were truly dreadful.

How is he in other ways? Does he listen to you, and give full weight to your pov, or does he always gets his own way? Have you asked for your own money when you're on holiday, does he not even give you, say £50 to spend for the week, so you can pick up little gifts for people at home and buy a few postcards?

When you disagree on something, does he compromise?

020523, if he doesn't even listen to you, how do you expect this evening's talk to go?

Also KEY is confirmation that all the money is where he says it is - i.e. in proper JOINT accounts in the OP's name as well as his, and the OP can access it moving forward.

And of course the OP being free to have her own bank account and pay her very own salary into it. Which she is then free to spend.

It does sound as though scales are finally falling of the OP's eyes.

I really hope that the money has actually been saved, and that there is as much there as there should be.

"If my husband was being a controlling twunt there are two people that would know about it ASAP, my mother and my GF's, wouldn't yours?"

Tomato, if you read the very first post, the OP says "He also doesn't like me going out with friends, since we got married I have actually lost all my girlfriends". So this is part of a longer pattern of behaviour that started with a gradual process of isolation.

I agree re. the mother perhaps saying something but I think it depends how much she knew, what her reaction to things is and what she expects from a relationship. If the OP's mother thinks it's normal for a husband to govern finances, or if she doesn't know the full extent of what is going on, she wouldn't necessarily say anything.

A lot of relationships look pretty good from the outside, and are bloody grim on the inside.

Tomato, emotional abuse starts off very subtlely. It often isn't noticed at all really, or just as a peculiarity attached to that person and is often interpreted as caring - a common cry from an abuser is that they love you soooo much (that they can't bear you out of their sight, or can't bear sharing you etc). As time goes by you become so isolated that there is barely anyone to tell about the other things, or no one to chat with to help you realise how strange your life seems to most people.

Please try to understand abuse, as people saying the sort of things you have said is exactly why some women get stuck with an abuser for their whole lives.

OP please please PLEASE read this. I'm posting as someone who only a few months ago asked this very community what they thought about my predicament which was that my OH had been sacked from his job 2 months previous and never said a word. To the extent of him getting up, putting on his suit and 'going to work' on days when I was using up my annual leave. I'm still off work with the stress of it all and that was 4 MONTHS AGO. On what basis do you 'know' there's 250k stashed away when you can't even tell us why you haven't got any control over your own salary? As for saving for a comfortable retirement, balls to that, ask my recently widowed mother whether she wishes my dad had been so prudent until he dropped dead a few weeks ago at 65.

Hope the talk revealed all financial matters and encouraged your h to think of alternative way of life, 0203.

Did you manage to have a chat last night? If so I hope it went OK

To the posters excusing his financial abuse as being just too much planning or being careful with money - did you miss the bit where she has no friends, isn't allowed to see her mother and is forced to clean and take care of lodgers on top of working full time and housework? Yes, this is a controlling, abusive man, no doubt at all.

Waiting on an update from your chat op hope things are worked out xxx

Please do update OP