Is my husband controlling? Or is he correct in his long term plan?

[020523a]

Sorry in advance about the length of this post but I would dearly love some open opinions on my story. I am in a great marriage for the past 20 years and have a very loving attentive husband. We both have good jobs and a few years ago before the crash we invested in some property. We have a large house and our finances are in good order. To aid the payment of extra mortgages we take in lodgers to our house Mon - Fri where I cook/clean for them and my family (2 boys + hubby). I work from home, long hours with the US so my day can be quite hectic. My issue is that my hubby controls our money, I can't spend a penny (apart from supermarket shopping). He makes me feel so guilty ... BUT, I know we have over 250,000 in savings and we are fine! But he want's to save up 500,000 so that we won't have any mortgages when we retire and can live comfortably. We go on a holiday once a year, but we can never order anything over £10 on the menu as we have to watch our money. Myself and the boys can't buy anything ... he holds the purse at all times. I didn't really mind it too much until my father died a few months ago. Now, I would like to treat my mum to the odd sunday lunch out or go to a movie or something with her (we never eat out or go anywhere outside our 1 vacation a year).... but he is quite controlling on when I see her and would not approve of this. He also doesn't like me going out with friends, since we got married I have actually lost all my girlfriends and feel very alone. I don't know what to do ... he is such a good, loving husband and just wants to spend time with his family but I feel very claustrophobic at the moment. I love him dearly but whenever we talk about money he shuts me down and says I don't understand the "bigger picture". I have come up with other solutions so that we don't have to keep lodgers as we don't need them but he loves the cash coming in every week and doesn't want to give it up. I can see that this is selfish but what do I do ... I honestly can't see a way out of this. Am I the one being selfish? The only way I can get anything done in the house or as a treat is if I save up (unknown to him) £20 from the shopping each week. I even have to save to give the boys a bit of cash as he doesn't think they need it (they are 17 & 15). What can I do? I feel so lonely and I feel so lost ...... I can't do anything ... I wanted to join a gym £25 per month and he told me to go out walking .. much better for me! There always seems to be a cheaper way to do things and that's the way we do it ..... help!

If you can't control your money, you can't control your life.

He's got you exactly where he wants you.

it does not sound great...it sounds terrible. truly awful.
if you really have 250k saved up then what is the mortgage owed? how much is your property worth (you can find that easily from rightmove.co.uk compare with similar properties)? what equity do you have?
what is the point of having 250k in the bank and never going out or being able to treat your own mother?

he certainly is attentive but it is overly so and controlling.

where does your salary go?

In your OP you've said I know we have over 250,000 in savings but you have then gone on to say To be honest I never see a bill, I don't know what our mortgage is I have no access to our online accounts and when I ask he tells me not to worry, he is looking after everything

The question is how do you know you have £250,000 savings when you've never seen any evidence of the account(s) which contain this sum? Can you be certain that these savings are in your joint names or has he gambled squirrelled it away?

You have a full time job and cash coming in from lodgers yet you're reduced to living like a pauper because of your h's avarice. If he won't provide you with a full financial disclosure, filing a petition to divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour will ensure you are given the information you require and which you should be in possession of as a matter of course.

if he dropped dead tomorrow where would you be?
what would happen?

how would you access the joint money?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses and I just have to think about my next steps ... feeling a bit scared as I know I have to do something but not sure what. At least I know it's not right what he is doing and as much as he is saving and providing for the family I have a right to decide what/when we do things too ... Thank you very much for your support.

How can you have a FT job and be earning a salary yet not have access to your money? Where does your money go? Even if you don't have a separate account and your earnings go into a joint account how do you not have access to it. Surely as the second person on the account you must have your own bank card and means to withdraw money.

So he likes the cash coming in from the lodgers but you do all the work surrounding this. He is then pocketing all the money YOU have earned and refuses you access. This is tantamount to slave labour. What would happen if you went on strike and refused to cook and clean for the lodgers? Would he do it? Doesn't sound likely?

What would happen if you went off and got a job and paid the related salary into an account of your own, to do with as you like, you know, as is NORMAL?

Sorry, I see you work too! Why don't you have your own money paid into your own account and contribute to the household as needed? Then you could give your boys what you wanted and join whatever gym you wanted.

First step TOMORROW is to open up a new current account in your name and tell your payroll you now want your salary paid into it. Once you have your first salary credit in your account use it for a solicitor, or a deposit for another place to live.

This is really shocking and sad OP!

Where does your salary go???

This is financial abuse. Get advice from Women's Aid, you could look at their website and/or call their 24-hour helpline on 08082000247.

Do you have anyone you could talk to in real life, a close friend or family member? We can support you here but it would also be great for you to have some RL support.

this is really disturbing and the fact that you have lost all your friends after marriage and he is trying to control and limit your relationship with your mother are real red flags.

Do you even know if any of this money you are earning and scrimping and saving for is in your joint names? If anything happened him, would you know where to look for all this money?

Open an account tomorrow and have your salary paid into it. he cannot control that. he might pitch a fit but he can do nothing about it.

Then tell him that you will not cook or clean for the lodgers unless that money goes into a joint account to which you have complete access. And stop.

TBH I don't think this is going to change easily. He has domineered you for 20 years and he probably enjoys being the one in control (he also probably has some deep-seated miser tendencies) so you will need to prepare for a long painful process of change. But what is the alternative - ending up retired eating in cheap restaurants with nothing in your purse because he holds all the money? Or burying your mother knowing you didn't get to enjoy the last few years with her?

OP, if you share a computer with your husband please make sure you delete your browsing history every time.

OP - you need to go and open a bank account, and ask the payroll at your work to pay your wages into your own account. He is stealing your money.

Stop cooking and cleaning for the lodgers - if he wants to keep them then he can do that himself.

He sounds horrible. A 'good and loving' person, does not control other people's lives in this way.

With the best will in the world, keeping you in total ignorance is just not sensible. Think of the bind you'd be in if your husband were run over by a bus tomorrow. You wouldn't know where the money was or have any means to get to it. You wouldn't know what was owed to whom or how to pay it. You'd be completely helpless for however long it took to get all this sorted out, get probate etc - could be months. But I guess that wouldn't matter to him because he would be dead and therefore the universe would stop existing

My first reaction would be to say get your own bank account and contact your employer and divert your salary there BUT what has he done to you to achieve such subordination? Are you afraid of him?

And I wonder what the Bigger Picture looks like? Ask him to draw it very specifically.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-against-financial-abuse

OP, do you recognise any of this?

My exH was the same, controlled all my money even though I worked full time, like you if I wanted a little treat I'd have to pay for it out of a £ or two squirrelled away here and there when I did the grocery shop (with £30 a week for two of us although we could easily afford more).

I was referred for counselling due to (unrelated) depression and whilst generally chit-chatting about how much my exH "looked after" me I was stunned when she suggested I contact Women's Aid. Took me a while to get my head round the fact he was being abusive, I mean it's not like he was hitting me

I actually used this as one of my examples of unreasonable behaviour when I finally divorced the horrible bastard, it wasn't questioned at all.

You really do need to take contol of your own salary, at least. Does he earn a lot more than you? Does he work very long hours?

It's horrible that you can't treat your mum.

If you were to insist that he gives you full access to all your accounts, what would his reaction be?

He is controlling all of the money and doesn't WANT you to see the wider picture perhaps!! Do you even know for sure that he is actually saving it to a £500k pension pot anyway? Do you know for sure that he doesn't have some huge crippling debts that he wants to hide away?

You need an account of your own, which he has no access to and (in the beginning at least, if not permanently) no knowledge about. Your salary/wages should be paid into that. It is a fairly easy amendment for payroll staff to make to your record, although it may be a little late for this month now, so it may not be effective until next month. Set the wheels in motion for that though. Things will flow from that.

What would happen if you sat him down & said you wanted full access to all your finances? As others have said, if he died you would be screwed not knowing all the details of the bank accounts, incomings & outgoings. If nothing else, his reaction to your request would be very telling.

How awful that you can't take your mum out for a meal! What about your poor sons who 'don't need money'?

That is not a great marriage. He is not a good husband. He is not a loving father.

I agree you need some specific advice and support (women's aid?) as this does sound quite complicated and it has gone on for so long.

I would also consider legal advice with a view to working out what to do if you divorce/separate. You might not be ready yet but you could start preparing for it and finding out more about your finances and assets, even if you have to do it secretly.

1. Open your own bank account.
2. Get your salary paid into that account.
3. Tell him that from now on you will have control of your own money and that you're happy to contribute to bills, but only when he's shown you his own salary slips so you know how much he earns and bills can be divided fairly according to income.

OP this is absolutely not okay. Your DH is extremely controlling - not just with money, but with your relationships with others. He can't control whether you see friends or take your mum out for lunch FFS! Good for you taking the first step in recognising that he's abusing you. Now please seek help to put yourself in an emotionally and financially stronger position.

Please get yourself somewhere safe before you tackle him over money. Since he clearly has no respect for you and has been financially and emotionally abusing you for years, you are vulnerable to other types of abuse, especially as he is using you as a slave to make him half a million - he loves the cash - you said it, sweetie. Don't be fooled, it's all about what he wants, and he isnt going to be nice to you if you do confront him. In fact, please don't, just make plans to get well away from him. He isn't a loving husband, Im sorry.

Please believe me - I was in a similar marriage once, but escaped with my teenaged children - but before, when I questioned him about MY earned money which he controlled, he hit me. After I had stitches in my face, I saved up by squeezing money out of my housekeeping for a few months, then managed to get right away from him.

Why do men behave like this? All the best to you x

Horrible situation to be in. Do you honestly think he will loosen the purse strings when you retire? He will be like this forever, how utterly joyless.

Read him the riot act, tell him you need full disclosure. Before you do this have a little dig around, see if you know how many accounts there are etc.

And for goodness sakes, have your own money paid into an account just in your name. I hope your sons haven't picked up his miserly, controlling habits.