Is my husband controlling? Or is he correct in his long term plan?

[020523a]

Sorry in advance about the length of this post but I would dearly love some open opinions on my story. I am in a great marriage for the past 20 years and have a very loving attentive husband. We both have good jobs and a few years ago before the crash we invested in some property. We have a large house and our finances are in good order. To aid the payment of extra mortgages we take in lodgers to our house Mon - Fri where I cook/clean for them and my family (2 boys + hubby). I work from home, long hours with the US so my day can be quite hectic. My issue is that my hubby controls our money, I can't spend a penny (apart from supermarket shopping). He makes me feel so guilty ... BUT, I know we have over 250,000 in savings and we are fine! But he want's to save up 500,000 so that we won't have any mortgages when we retire and can live comfortably. We go on a holiday once a year, but we can never order anything over £10 on the menu as we have to watch our money. Myself and the boys can't buy anything ... he holds the purse at all times. I didn't really mind it too much until my father died a few months ago. Now, I would like to treat my mum to the odd sunday lunch out or go to a movie or something with her (we never eat out or go anywhere outside our 1 vacation a year).... but he is quite controlling on when I see her and would not approve of this. He also doesn't like me going out with friends, since we got married I have actually lost all my girlfriends and feel very alone. I don't know what to do ... he is such a good, loving husband and just wants to spend time with his family but I feel very claustrophobic at the moment. I love him dearly but whenever we talk about money he shuts me down and says I don't understand the "bigger picture". I have come up with other solutions so that we don't have to keep lodgers as we don't need them but he loves the cash coming in every week and doesn't want to give it up. I can see that this is selfish but what do I do ... I honestly can't see a way out of this. Am I the one being selfish? The only way I can get anything done in the house or as a treat is if I save up (unknown to him) £20 from the shopping each week. I even have to save to give the boys a bit of cash as he doesn't think they need it (they are 17 & 15). What can I do? I feel so lonely and I feel so lost ...... I can't do anything ... I wanted to join a gym £25 per month and he told me to go out walking .. much better for me! There always seems to be a cheaper way to do things and that's the way we do it ..... help!

Well done OP, I think his reaction to your chat will tell you a lot about the reality of your situation.

Congratulations on the new job! - it is quite telling that you are excited about getting out of the house more!

Whatever happens i would have your new job pay into your own bank account - then you can always transfer money into the joint account - this just gives you more control over your wages.

Good luck with it all

OP this is a long shot but does he have any hobbies he spends on?

The question here is not whether you are still in love with him or not. That's sort of irrelevant when you are living day to day right now with a controlling abuser.

Yep. I can't get my head around the convo where you're both working full time with 2 kids and he says you take in lodgers!

Please think carefully about having your salary paid into your own account. You can set up a DD to have as much money as you like moved into the joint account. That is much more sensible.

I can absolutely see why you want to do it the other way. You are scared of rocking the boat too much. However, it is probably better for your own sake long-term if you show him conclusively and strongly that you are not going to accept the way things are - unless you think you will be put at risk by doing so, obviously. Therefore, it makes sense to take a strong position, now, by ensuring that your salary is made separate and you are taking charge of it.

I hope things go well on Thursday.

Glad to read your update, you will know your next steps once you have spoken.

My late father was like this with my mother. She juggled the household money for treats, mostly for us, her two children. He was happy to spend money on the family, but only on things he approved of.

Now , left to herself, my mother is pretty helpless around money. It must be said that she has been left very comfortably off, but its really too late for her to really enjoy the money. She is still very cautious about spending money, eeeking out face creme for ages before splashing out on a new jar. I have tried to get her to understand just how comfortably off she s, but she has really no concept. I feel it leaves her open to predators of all sorts (m looking at you, you charities who call the elderly asking for donations.

I, too, could spend it all and she would be none the wiser. Its very sad. Hipe you find a good way forward. Xx

I think you need to add to that chat about finances with his physically showing you proof of what you have exactly and where it is. He can tell you what he wants, it doesn't mean that it's the truth.

I hope that after reading all of these posts, you are starting to see that he is controlling and financially abusing you and your children. I don't know how old your mum is, but you may well spend a lot of time regretting not doing the things that you want to do with her and seeing her as frequently as you would like to do, at some time in the future.

Your children are going to be leaving home soon. They have grown up with his financial abuse. They must wonder about their friends lifestyles and families. Will your H control howmuch you see them when they leave home too? Will he prevent you from getting together as an extended family for meals out or days out, when your boys have partners and families of their own?

You need to think long term here, and decide how his controlling behaviour is going to impact on you and your family, as your family changes. Can you accept how it will probably be, or can you accept that you need to deal with this proactively now?

If you have a joint account ring them now & find out how much money you have before speaking to him. It takes time to set up but ask for online access as well so you can have a look at all the past statements & see what he has been doing.

I hope he just has a tendency to control & you have just accepted that & allowed him to behave in this way - if so he may be able to change, but do be prepared to find out that he's not the living husband you thought he was.

Good luck...

Loving! Not living

I agree, ask to see tangible evidence of savings etc, and don't be fobbed off.

I personally would also set up a DD into the joint that covers bills.....and then keep the rest into your own personal account (more than £250 per month). The new job sounds good and it might even help, give you some presspective into how out of the realms of normality this is.

It's time to take back control and show your children what is acceptable in a relationship.

OP, if you are changing jobs then it should be very easy to give your own bank details (do you have your own bank account?) and ensure that your salary gets paid directly to that. You can then arrange a standing order to cover joint household expenses.

As everyone else has said, this IS financial abuse - on a massive scale.

Please, please read the links provided and take all the advice given to help you out of this awful situation.

Yes - hi OP - like BromleyGal says, arrange to have your new salary paid into your own account, and then have a standing order for household expenses go from your account into your joint account. Don't do it the other way around.

OP, if you have no access/control over the joint account, how can you set up a DD to transfer to another account?

You're not dealing with the problem OP. You have 2 issues, 1) you don't have any spending money for you/your DC, 2) you are being financially abused by your DH.

The pp is correct, if you have no access to the account your salary is paid into, how can you set up a payment to your own account?

More importantly, you don't have a right to access £250 of your salary each month, you have a right to access ALL OF YOUR SALARY AND ALL OF YOUR JOINT SAVINGS!

I'm sorry for shouting, but you seem to genuinely not understand that you have signed over everything you've ever worked for and have no idea what is happening to it. It's plain stupid and you need to wake up and sort this out now. I know that must be hard to hear and get your head round, but you have as much right to the joint account as your husband. even if you weren't paying a salary into it, you would have as much right to that account as your husband. It has your fecking name on it!

If his/your goal is to be mortgage free why all the savings? Surly it would make sense to pay off the mortgage Rather than have all that money in savings?

Regardless it's major financial abuse. He could be financing a 2nd family or a gambling habit for all you know op.

What are you going to do next?

Are you in the UK op? If not do you know what the law is re matrimonial property where you live?

Are you legally married?

I agree it's not a joint account if you don't have access to it.

Crikey this thread is actually creaking me out quite a bit. Good luck with your talk op. Hope you get some proper frank honest answers. Make sure you see statements or the online accounts. Make sure they are in both your names. If so perhaps you can contact banks directly to get proper access.

Freaking me out not creaking!

Good luck op. Wrote down your key phrases and refer to them if he blind sides you. Like " I need all account details in case something happens " I suspect he will pat you on the head and say ok dear you have £10 per week pocket money... what will u say ? . of course you can pay all your salary to your own account.

How do you know what is really in the 'joint' a/c?
How old are your DSs and what are they learning about finances/relationships from This?
How do you think they'll react when they are old enough to leave home?
Where do you stand if your DH decides to leave you? Sorry, but these things do happen.
I can't believe he lets you cook and clean for lodgers AND work full time - then relieves you of YOUR money.
There are no pockets in a shroud.

What if he dropped dead tomorrow ? How would you access money to live on ?

I'm shockproof, bombproof, and fireproof, but your post is one of the most SHOCKING EXAMPLES of financial and emotional abuse I've read on these boards and I'm incensed at your h's injustice to you and your dc.

Wtf is going on here??!! You work full time and cater/clean for 2 lodgers yet you can't treat your recently widowed mother to lunch or the cinema, or socialise with your friends, and your dc aged 15 and 18 have no money to call their own? Your h is a strong contender for the Mumsnet Controlling Twunt of the Year award and it is high time you put an end to his insidious poison parsimonious ways.

I see no reason why you shouldn't be economical with the actualité when implying to your h that your new employer requires you to set up your own bank account to receive your salary/expenses, but pull no punches when telling him that in future you will be transferring sums from your account to the joint account as and when required upon sight of bills and as dictated by the need to fund other household outgoings.

I suggest you also tell your h that you will be setting up bank accounts for your dc and that sufficient monies should be given to them monthly to fund their travel to and from their place(s) of education together with clothing, toiletries, entertainment, etc, so that they can begin to learn the value of money and how to budget for expenditure on gifts for family/friends at christmas/birthdays, holiday spends, and so forth.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you break the news to him and it may help you to visualise all of the responders here who've expressed their outrage at the way you've been exploited shitting on buzzing around his head if he proves to be less than enthusiastic about ceding control and allowing you full sight of your joint finances.

Good luck for tonight... but you shouldn't need it as yours has to be one of the most righteous causes I've encountered of late.

I can actually see his side, he is not intentionally being selfish but he is missing the here and now. He is saving up for you to have a better life in the future, but for that he is sacrificing the good life now. There has to be/and can be a comprimise. You should be able to talk about it, you're not a child but an equal partner.

Conttrolling twunts are always inherently and intentionally selfish, tomato and this one is not sacrificing his 'good life for now' but he has required the OP to sacrifice her life at the altar of his will and whim for the past 20 years.

Have you read her posts? She can't even treat her recently widowed mum to lunch or the cinema, or socialise with her friends, and her dc have never had any money to call their own.

Her h doesn't want an 'equal partner'. He only wants slaves that will do his bidding. If he talks the talk when the OP confronts him, she can be sure he won't walk it as he will never agree to, or tolerate, any compromise which results in him not having full control of his dw and dc.