Is my husband controlling? Or is he correct in his long term plan?

[020523a]

Sorry in advance about the length of this post but I would dearly love some open opinions on my story. I am in a great marriage for the past 20 years and have a very loving attentive husband. We both have good jobs and a few years ago before the crash we invested in some property. We have a large house and our finances are in good order. To aid the payment of extra mortgages we take in lodgers to our house Mon - Fri where I cook/clean for them and my family (2 boys + hubby). I work from home, long hours with the US so my day can be quite hectic. My issue is that my hubby controls our money, I can't spend a penny (apart from supermarket shopping). He makes me feel so guilty ... BUT, I know we have over 250,000 in savings and we are fine! But he want's to save up 500,000 so that we won't have any mortgages when we retire and can live comfortably. We go on a holiday once a year, but we can never order anything over £10 on the menu as we have to watch our money. Myself and the boys can't buy anything ... he holds the purse at all times. I didn't really mind it too much until my father died a few months ago. Now, I would like to treat my mum to the odd sunday lunch out or go to a movie or something with her (we never eat out or go anywhere outside our 1 vacation a year).... but he is quite controlling on when I see her and would not approve of this. He also doesn't like me going out with friends, since we got married I have actually lost all my girlfriends and feel very alone. I don't know what to do ... he is such a good, loving husband and just wants to spend time with his family but I feel very claustrophobic at the moment. I love him dearly but whenever we talk about money he shuts me down and says I don't understand the "bigger picture". I have come up with other solutions so that we don't have to keep lodgers as we don't need them but he loves the cash coming in every week and doesn't want to give it up. I can see that this is selfish but what do I do ... I honestly can't see a way out of this. Am I the one being selfish? The only way I can get anything done in the house or as a treat is if I save up (unknown to him) £20 from the shopping each week. I even have to save to give the boys a bit of cash as he doesn't think they need it (they are 17 & 15). What can I do? I feel so lonely and I feel so lost ...... I can't do anything ... I wanted to join a gym £25 per month and he told me to go out walking .. much better for me! There always seems to be a cheaper way to do things and that's the way we do it ..... help!

He is not a lovely husband. He is a nasty abusive arsehole who treats you like a prisoner.

Set up and account, go to payroll and tell them to put your salary in that account from now on. It is disgusting that this man makes you scrabble around for pennies when there is a quarter of a million in the bank.

I'd not be at all convinced that money is saved up. He may have squandered it. Even if he hasn't, his attitude is way too controlling.
How do the lodgers pay? In cash? have a word with them and tell them to either pay you personally or transfer the money directly into an account you set up in your name. Explain to your DH that you now need some money to enjoy life and treat your mother. If he won't agree a reasonable amount then perhaps you should consider ditching the lodgers and getting a PT job outside the home which pays you directly. Financial abuse is vile. DH did it for a while when DC were small. I have no idea why. I almost left him over it. Instead I wised up and am now in full control of my own money,

Oh, just reread your post and realised you have a job. Set up an independent account and have your pay put into it. Transfer a fair amount over each month for shared expenses but keep a generous amount to treat your mother and do other things you'd like to do. And insist on seeing those financial details of the mortgage and savings.

Are you on the mortgage for the properties you own? Do you have access to information about savings? How do you know he isn't squirrelling it all to hidden accounts?
You're not living are you, its all about the money and you have two jobs and no access to it!!!

"He also doesn't like me going out with friends, since we got married I have actually lost all my girlfriends and feel very alone.... he is such a good, loving husband"

OP, can you see how these two statements directly conflict? He cannot isolate you like this so that you feel alone AND be a good, loving husband. It's one or the other.

He's isolated you deliberately because otherwise your girlfriends would have told you he is an abusive arsehole 20 years ago. He has enslaved you. The chains are psychological not physical but you are being treated as a slave.

Please follow the suggestions above. Delete your browsing history on whatever device you're using and get legal advice. Personally I'd get the legal advice before confronting him - I'm not sure how he will react but it won't be good.

I can see that some of this is quite overwhelming.

First step, just for today - look at bank accounts online and get together the ID documents you need.

Hi op. If you do not have access to joint bank statements and mortgage statements then pop into the relevant banks and they will give you balances (and tell you how to set up online statements).

If you don't know who your accounts are with go to www.noddle.co.uk it will detail all credit you hold, how much is owed and if it is paid on time.

Set up a secret email prior to doing this.

open your own bank account immediately, you can do this at any bank or post office, you will need some forms of id eg passport, driving license, bill in your name, marriage certificate (you can get a copy)

Give your work your new account number & sort code so that the money goes into your account
This means your money will be for you to spend on what you want, any time you want

Do you have a work pension ?

Your husband may have gambled your money !

How much mortgage do you have left to pay ?
How much are the monthly house, car bills ?

You need to know where your money goes !

What happens to the money that the lodgers pay ?

If you need help contact citizens advice

Book yourself a holiday with your mother or several holidays

You do not have to have lodgers in your house !

Good luck

OMG this sounds horrendous, it really does.
Firstly call Womens Aid as soon as you can.
They can help you see this for what it is. ABUSE!!
Pure and simple.
As others have said, get to a bank today and open your own account. Not joint, just your account.
Then arrange for your wages to be paid into that account.
Womens Aid can help you tackle this and you will need support.
Thank goodness you've no realised this is NOT normal.
Time to start making plans to sort this all out.

Cestlavie asked one of my questions - what happens if he dies suddenly?

My other question is: what happens if he suddenly decides to leave you? He's out there with all the money and he will leave you with nothing.

Get advice and get it now.

He is not as good a financial planner as he claims. It is sheer stupidity to save £250k in cash in a savings account and not use it clear your current mortgage on which you are paying interest. Taking inflation into account, £250k or £500K might not be as valuable by the time you both retire. I doubt he will ever share your savings pot after retirement when the money stops coming in from employment.

He is too wound up in a wrong long term plan even if he is genuine. You must have full access to your own money. Get your own new account and manage your own finances.

serious alarm bells going off here:

you have no idea what your mortgage is
you have no access to your online accounts
he takes all your money
won't let you spend money on your DC or anywhere else aside from the supermarket

How do you know you have 250000 in savings? Because he told you or you have proof?

extremely controlling. this is very far from normal.

you seem to have absolutely no say in anything, least of all how you live your own life.

You need to make yourself an account, in your name, and get your salary, and the money from lodgers, paid into it.

You also need another account, in your name, which he doesn't know about, where you can save.

If he were ill, or in an accident, you would be stuck - however kind, well meaning, and prudent with money he says he is.

Honestly, OP, this is not on at all.

More than that, like other posters, I really worry that there might be something going on financially of which you are unaware on two levels: the practical and the emotional.

The practical: You need to insist on full transparency about all your financial dealings. He could be doing absolutely anything with this money, and you wouldn't know!

The emotional: He needs to agree to give you some control and some decision-making power over money. More than this, he needs to come to terms with what is essentially quite miserly behaviour on his part. This is not about security: you have plenty of cash to be secure. It's about some kind of neurosis or underlying anxiety that is actually preventing you both from having the nice standard of living that you deserve.

Please do exactly what juneau said. And also ask him whether your investments are in joint names.

If he accepts you making these steps and gives you the information you ask for (even if he's not wonderfully happy about it) then maybe you can move forward with him. If not you really need to get some legal advice and leave.

Sadly I don't think she will come back. To be told that the basis of your marriage to a person you love, is abusive, will be hard to accept.

I thought that mugged. Why would they have several mortgages and savings of £250,000? That doesn't add up.

This is frightening op I hope u head the good advice on here.

I think you may well be right Chipped

Hope op comes back or at least continues to read. A lot to think of on this, loss of friends, controlling relationship with mother, financial abuse and also god knows where the money is, if there is any.
Op you sound very hard working and loyal and smart, your husband has sold you the myth he is all powerful and knowing and you are a domestic appliance and you and the kids a drain on him, but this is really not the case.

Thanks to all for your advice. I need to take it slow and see what I do. I have asked for us to sit down on Thurs night to discuss our finances .. I used the line "what do I do if anything happens to you" ... so I aim to give him a chance to explain everything to me. I also told him that this is the last year I am housing lodgers ... he looked at me very funny but didn't comment ... think he was too shocked!! But I think this will be a tie breaker ... Maybe he is not used to me standing up to him and maybe if I take charge a little more he will be so surprised he might back down. I think after 20 years of having a joint account I can't just move my salary but I am about to start a new job (long hours, lots of travel and more money (exciting for me as I get out of the house more!!)) ... but I have decided that I am going to start a DD of £250 per month into an account in my name as this will not inflict the current way we are and he can't say anything about it. I am doing a lot of soul searching at the moment and wondering if I have fallen out of love or if I still love him or what to do. I will have the chat about the finances and see his reaction and keep you posted. Thank you to everyone!! I am feeling quite strong as I know it's not all in my head and this is not right. I will keep you posted xxxx

I'm so glad you came back!

How do your teenagers handle having no money?

What are you going to do with £250/mth? (He'll ask you that too)
Why not £500/£1000 etc?

Do you have access to the savings? If not, why not? OP sweetheart, how did it get so bad that you have to justify everything to him? Why does he have all the power?
When you've stood up to him before, what's happened?

£250 a month OUT of the joint. Really??? And if you put into the joint account you must know what goes in and out - where are the statements?

Your salary into your own account and set up a DD INTO the joint account to cover food/bills/cars/holidays etc.

Don't pick a figure out of the air and don't let your husband tell you what is needed. Work it out yourself and for that alone you need to know exactly what running costs are involved across the board.

This is it. He won't like it (trust us).

This is your money and it is yours to spend (once bills paid) on either your boys, yourself or save.

Ask to see the deeds of the houses too. Make sure your name is on them and not set up under a business name to which you have no claim.