In love with a woman

[AndAnotherThing1]

I'm married with 2 DC and have never considered, even fleetingly, that I was anything other than heterosexual. My marriage is fine - with ups and downs and dull bits like all marriages. Around three years ago I started working with a woman my own age who is openly gay. I've always found her bright and fun and enjoy spending time with her but in the last year I have developed strong feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she feels the same. I am worried that our friendship could very easily tip over into something more. But equally worried that it won't. I am consumed by thoughts of her. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for but just wondered if anyone else has experienced a similar situation.

But that's the whole problem, isn't it mink and OP!
ie working out if the OP might feel happier and have a better life with someone else. It can't be black and white because on the one hand there is the life she knows and the security of the family for her children, and on the other there is a life with the OW which may be better. If it were black and white the OP would know exactly what to do and wouldn't consider hedging her bets. Unlike some men (and women) she's not looking for something to supplement a dull marriage, on the side,( a bit of 'fun' before moving onto the next conquest) she's wondering whether to jump overboard and swim in an unknown possibly dangerous ocean without a life jacket. It's far too simplistic to say 'make a choice' though ultimately a choice has to be made unless her DH and the OW are willing to share her (stranger things can happen in relationships.)

The truth is you'll never know OP because if you choose to stay with your husband, you won't know how life could be with this woman. If you leave for her, you have no guarantee it will work or how long term your marriage would have worked out .

OP be really honest with yourself over how you feel for your DH. If everything was really fine before this woman got into your head, and you are still able to have sex with your DH despite wanting a woman sexually, then maybe you ought to let her go.
If, on the other hand, you feel that you have now had a taste of something potentially much better and your marriage can no longer sustain you- emotionally, physically, intellectually- then you have to leave, otherwise you will always be wondering 'what if...'

I believe that your feelings towards your DH must have changed now for good as you have found someone else who 'does it' for you in ways he can't.

But I also think you need to be honest about the potential this new relationship has, You have avoided posting about this woman's track record in relationships (I've asked twice as have other posters) and in your shoes I'd want to know if she is serious or if you are a fling. At the moment, you are unavailable. If you did free yourself from your marriage, might she run for the hills or does she really want a future with you?

Lots to think about- and I still think you should book yourself in for half a dozen counselling sessions to get your head straight.

OP said the OW reciprocates her feelings. They have worked together for 3 years, so she has been having an emotional affair for at least some of that time. It's well known that when you are in the throes of an exciting flirtation the OH at home beings to look a bit meh - and the OP, despite having on the first page saying he's a good man etc.

I am finding it hard to feel very much sympathy.

Good point pinkfrocks, about the OWs track record

I will go now. Not calm enough for the OP, who has got it all sussed out with all the exciting 'waiting' she's been doing 9how exactly that sorts anything out rather than ramping it up I'm not sure)

Poor DH, poor children

Yarp- cut the mock despair please. Millions of parents are divorced.it's not exactly novel, is it? The OP won't be the first. she has not yet had any affair- she's deciding her future.

Nothing is mock about my reaction. She is having an affair right now.

oh bollocks, get a grip for goodness sake. she's got a massive crush which she has labelled 'love'.

So now you have moved from patronising ('cut out ...please') to aggression (swearing, telling me to get a grip).

This is not all in her head. She and the OW have shared their feelings. Whilst all this is going on, her loyalty and her emotions are not with her partner. That is an emotional affair. And i think that's unfair on him and her children.

Disagree with me on the content of my posts if you like but they are what I believe and what I have experienced.

I've been on the other side of this op, we'll both sides really. I'm a lesbian and worked with a married woman that I had a crush on. I was single and never said a word about it to her. One day, a year after we met and seemingly out if the blue told me she was in love with me and wanted to leave her husband for me!

It was a shock because though we were friends I never thought she liked me in that way. Anyway, I knew her husband and children and was suddenly horrified that I could be the catalyst to ending their marriage. I told her no, that I just wanted to be friends. She was upset but we agreed to carry on the friendship.

I cannot tell you how glad I am I made that decision. This woman turned out to be the most manipulative, dishonest, calculating woman I've ever met. She ended up my boss and made mine and my colleagues lives a misery. The final blow, just before she left, was her telling a mutual acquaintance that I had sexually harassed her!!!!! Fortunately, this person had also seen the way she operated and did not believe her but, obviously, this could have ended my career.

On the other hand I met my amazing DP sometime after all this happened and our connection was powerful and instant and we are still just as happy 10 years on. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I'd been with someone when I met my DP. I think I would have to be with her BUT we have both been cheated on in the past and would never do that to someone else. If you love this woman and really want to be with her then leave your partner and be with her. Personally I would take the advice given here though and take some months on your own first. It may work out with her, in that case brilliant but prepare yourself for the reactions of your family, in laws and friends, that could be very hard. It may not work out with her, how would you feel then? Would you feel glad that you'd left your marriage anyway or foolish and desperate? If this woman wasn't around, would you still feel that you and your husband wanted different things?

I agree with Yarp that this is already an emotional affair, given the mutual attraction that has been both acknowledged and discussed.

If my DH was having these feelings and discussions with a work colleague I would consider it a betrayal.

FWIW I still think you're being too kind to the OP Pink. In her second post she says that she is not looking to end her marriage, but later she makes reference to allowing her feelings to be realised. I doubt she is struggling to make a choice, because she is actually just attempting to justify an affair so she can have both.

OP, as others have said, give some thought to what might happen if your DH finds out. Don't think 'he won't find out' because all adulterers think that. Imagine him ending the marriage, the disapproval of your family and friends, the possibility of your new relationship not working out, or it working out wonderfully until you wake up a few years from now and realise it's become every bit as dull as your marriage was.

I'm not being kind, I'm being realistic.

Not all 'adulterers' are found out. I know of several people who have never been including a late relative of mine.

Not all 2nd marriages end up worse than the first- or as dull. Some people are very happy having left and found someone else. Like a parent of a close friend of mine.

Why is there this desire to always say that the worst will happen?

Oh I know- because it's Mumsnet.

I think op needs to think about her marriage first and foremost. Op, are you unhappy with your dh in general? Do you really feel that other than this woman you are both going in different directions? Do you fancy him? Alot of people in happy marriages have had crushes on other people, in general I suppose they do nothing, ride it out and move on. You need to figure out if this is truly something worth breaking up your marriage for. I'm not saying you shouldn't leave your husband, I'm just saying it will not be pleasant or easy, that's for sure. Are you and the other woman prepared for that?

I do agree with you in some ways though pink, it's just not true that these things always end badly. I don't think you can justify behaving dishonestly though. That's wrong however you want to dress it up.

If this was a man talking about a female 'crush', he would have been annihilated by now! Just sayin'

^ this

I think it is an emotional affair too.

OPbe really honest with yourself over how you feel for your DH. If everything was really fine before this woman got into your head, and you are still able to have sex with your DH despite wanting a woman sexually, then maybe you ought to let her go.
If, on the other hand, you feel that you have now had a taste of something potentially much better and your marriage can no longer sustain you- emotionally, physically, intellectually- then you have to leave, otherwise you will always be wondering 'what if...'

I agree with this pink. It is pretty much what I have been saying. But I note you say leave not have a sneaky little taster to see if you like it. If a partner leaves a marriage its a bit sad but it happens and is often for the best. An affair just makes the whole process likely to be more bitter and traumatic.

Abd whilst you say not all adulterers get found out, this may be true but you most certainly cannot count on it so you have to at least consider the very realistic possibility that you will get found out and that there are likely to be consequences.

I personally could not do it even if I did not get found out because I would know. If I cared so little about someone that I was prepared to lie to them every day for the rest of our rs then I'd say the rs was over.

I'd say though that you'd need to exercise some forgiveness towards yourself if that ever happened . none of us is perfect and I think many psychotherapists would urge you - or someone- to accept human frailty as part of life. I accept you may set yourself a very high and unbending moral code but to be unable to accept you did wrong and move on is not a good thing. Many many marriages survive affairs and within marriages people hurt each other in many ways that have nothing to do with sexual or emotional infidelity. Please don't come back and say this is condoning affairs- it's not. all I am saying is that there are worse things - in some people's minds, than an affair. Not everyone feels it would be the end of a marriage or something to carry around as a sin for the rest of their life.

on a practical note i think the OP needs to think how this would play out in reality- would she take the children with her if they split, does she earn enough to support herself and them initially, how would it all work and where would the OW fit? I still think OP you have not been given any real encouragement by this woman (maybe for the best) and that your fantasy of a life with her may be just that.

'Not all adulterers are found out'

'Not all second marriages end up worst than the first'

You're right of course Pink, but OP is on the brink of a huge decision, and needs to understand what could happen and what she stands to lose.

It could all work out perfectly for her, but it would be foolish to ignore or fail to plan for the worst.

Posters aren't being cruel when they highlight the negatives, and some are also speaking from experience, so it's worth listening I think.

I have a friend who is a counsellor. She tells me that adulterers are always shocked when they're found out. Either they didn't consider it as a possibility, or they thought they would end things before it came to that. I always remember her telling me about a woman who described the shock when her bubble burst and the real world came crashing in - apparently, like a naughty child, she kept saying she wanted to 'take it back'.

So when I advise OP to consider what she'll do when her DH discovers the affair, it's a genuine effort to sharpen her mind, not to be unkind.

OP has asked for advice and posters, some of whom have direct experience, would be remiss if they didn't present a realistic view of how this is statistically most likely to pan out.

As an aside, if your late relative's affair was 'never found out' how do you know about it?

would she take the children with her if they split

That most certainly isn't a decision that is just the OPS can make!

Nequid- the late relative's affair was never found out by the spouse. It was found out by their sister (my mother) who did her utmost to cover the tracks and prevent the spouse from finding out.

I have several close friends who are counsellors. I am surprised that your friend has clients who are shocked if their behaviour is discovered- I've never heard that ever. They must be very naive in your neck of the woods.

Pink - So it was discovered, but luckily enough by someone willing to collude with the adulterer and cover it up.

I'm sure you can imagine how that could've been very different.

Do you think that your mum's attitude to adultery might have influenced yours? I'm genuinely interested because it's quite rare to come across someone who condones it I think. I can understand being sympathetic to someone who has already had an affair, when criticism serves little purpose, but not beforehand, when they're planning it.

That's interesting about the counsellors. I should've known that if I know one, you must know several but I'll tell her what you said. I don't think we're particularly naive, and I do think that shocked 'what-have-I-done' response to discovery seems quite common IME, here and in rl. I wonder whether your relative would've been shocked if your mum had dobbed him in!

I don't really want to pursue this about my family if that's ok. The person - all of them- are now dead. My mum didn't tell me actually. she has never spoken of it- my dad did when I was almost 60, so no, it's not influenced me.

I think it is essential to spend some time thinking about getting found out - and not just by DH.

People who have work affairs always underestimate the impact they can have on your standing at work, especially of you are a mother. People will judge harshly. And they will not be accepting of your brave coming out, or of how 'right' you are for each other. They will gossip about how sorry they feel for your DH and DC. You will lose a lot of goodwill.

I know a married woman who had a series of affairs with OW. It was several years before her husband found out. During those years their marriage was very strained ( unsurprisingly ) and her DH tried to make it work

He lost weight ( she blamed his weight gain for their poor sex life ) and he changed his job so he could go part time and take on more of the childcare for their two kids . It didn't fix things

After about 3 years she told him she was bi, but insisted she wasn't seeing anyone else . They then spent another few years with him trying harder to get his wife back and her shagging other women behind his back .

In the end she left for one of the OW. OW didn't want the kids as part of their lives, so the mother was reduced to taking the kids to MacDonald for a few hours. Kids got fed up with that and contact petered out . Kids are now adults and only one has any kind of relathioship with the mother

The relationship between the two women didn't last and shes been on her own for years .

So yes, of course marriages break down . And of course the relationship with oW might have lasted and been wonderful

But what made it so much worse was the years the husband wasted , trying to fix things. In the end he had a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital . If it wasn't for the extended family, the kids would have ended up in care

So please, OP , don't put your husband through the agonies of trying to be a better husband and make you love him again . Just be honest with him .

Not everyone feels it would be the end of a marriage or something to carry around as a sin for the rest of their life.

Easy enough to find out. She can ask her dh if that wouldend the marriage.

I am in the exact same situation and tbh I'm really struggling. I don't understand why this has happened to me now. If it was a guy I would just chalk it up to something new and know that it's something I'd never persue. But I've never felt this way about a woman before and it's confusing the crap out of me. I'm now questioning everything about myself. Am I gay? Bi? Just utterly confused? In this situation it's about so much more than an affair. I'm suddenly connecting the dots and realising how my own life has been rail roaded into 'the norm.' I can't stop thinking about this woman because essentially the realisation that I'm in love with a woman has completely rocked my world. If I do nothing and carry on as I've always been, I now have to bury this new part of me and pretend like nothing has changed. If nothing else I'm struggling with this most of all.

essentially the reali in love with her