In love with a woman

[AndAnotherThing1]

I'm married with 2 DC and have never considered, even fleetingly, that I was anything other than heterosexual. My marriage is fine - with ups and downs and dull bits like all marriages. Around three years ago I started working with a woman my own age who is openly gay. I've always found her bright and fun and enjoy spending time with her but in the last year I have developed strong feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she feels the same. I am worried that our friendship could very easily tip over into something more. But equally worried that it won't. I am consumed by thoughts of her. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for but just wondered if anyone else has experienced a similar situation.

OP The 'received wisdom' is only - in my experience of many decades of real life - only something that is trotted out on Mumsnet. I am NOT condoning an affair, let's be clear. But there are millions of people who leave for someone else- and they don't do that on a whim. They do it by making what they think is a rational decision, having weighed up all the odds and usually agonised for months over the right path to take. This is a very different scenario to serial adulterers whose marriage vows mean nothing and who have multiple affairs, for fun, or an ego boost, or a million other reasons, but who are basically happy with their primary partner and just want a bit of variety when it's all gone stale.

The risk for you- and other people- is that if you try to run your new 'relationship' alongside your marriage you may be found out, and you may lose your DH regardless of whether you decide to make a go of it with the the other person. A middle course would be to have 6 months on your own , as a trial separation, to see how you feel about each person and then reassess. If your DH would go along with that (and I don't mean tell him about the OW.)

Well done Pink Frocks, I've rarely seen someone enabling an affair with such aplomb.

OP, don't you think that anyone who ever had an affair thought that? Oh, I'll just see if he/she is worth it, nobody ever has to know, no one has to get hurt.

Nobody expects to be found out.

It sounds like your mind's made up but don't kid yourself that it will stay a harmless secret until you make your decision.

Even if you pull it off as planned and ultimately stay, your marriage will be irrevocably damaged, it's just that your poor trusting DH won't know why.

Are you someone who has been hurt by your partner having an affair nequidnimis? Only reason is you seem to have a very dim view of people caught up in real life dilemmas, you appear to lack any sympathy and all you can see is someone being hurt. The OPs DH will be hurt, we assume, if the marriage ends. Does it matter so much if it ends for someone else- or just ends? Why are you putting his needs over the needs of the OP who is re-assessing not only her sexuality but also how she wants to live the rest of her life? Affairs by their very definition are finite; there is a difference between someone moving on and out of a marriage for another person and an affair -which means playing away on the side with no intention of leaving a comfortable, but maybe boring marriage.

This isn't going to be a popular opinion, but I don't think a woman developing feelings for another woman is as bad as if they were for another man - I know dh would be far more understanding if I developed a crush ( or whatever you want to call it ) on a woman - if another man was involved he'd divorce me asap! - I'm not saying extra marital affairs between 2 women are 'affair light' - but I don't think they're as bad. In fact, I'd say lots of women go through this scenario & come out the other end perfectly fine - marriage intact.

Like, yeah....not a popular opinion with me. As a woman engaged to a woman, I find it insulting to say the least that you, or anyone would view a same sex relationship as not really a 'proper' relationship. So therefore, if you're having an affair with a woman it doesn't count......seriously?

Highly insulting & misogynistic comment. Women aren't trivial playthings & same sex relationships aren't pale imitations of the real thing.

& there have been legions of silly blokes who agree to a bi-curious wife exploring that side of herself only to be left for another woman. If they took women a bit more seriously, they'd have seen that risk.

This

'Legions of silly blokes'? Nice.

Op you seem intent on moving forward with this affair. I reiterate pps who've recommended that you go for counselling to understand better your feelings.

I wouldn't want to go into a relationship with someone who was wiling to have an affair with a married person. Down the line you might be the next person to be cheated on. Hope you manage to work through your feelings, it's not an easy plac to be.

'Why are you putting his needs over the needs of the OP?'

That's a rather disingenuous comment. I expect all unfaithful partners will be using that one from now on - 'but what about my neeeeeeds, why aren't my needs being taken seriously? I deserve to shag someone else, what with all my important needs'.

You know, the exec who needs to shag his secretary and the guy who fancies a younger model and the woman who has a succession of affairs can now just clap themselves on the back. They've got needs that have to be met, they're not doing anything wrong really, carte blanche.

If you're happily married you haven't got any unmet needs, you're just being a greedy selfish bastard.

If you're not happily married have a think why you're not happy - work on those things or leave to find someone who will make you happy.

Her DHs right to honesty and fidelity within his marriage does indeed trump OPs right to see whether there's something better available IMO.

Or at least tell him what's going on so that he can be in possession of all of the facts and make decisions about his own life instead of having them made for him.

I wonder if you know what disingenuous means?

There is a difference between someone who wants a quick shag with his secretary (no sexism there , the bosses are always men in your world?) and someone who has a succession of affairs.

The OP is struggling with a huge issue of whether she is gay, bi or whatever. You have to dumb this down to the level of people who have shags behind the filing cabinet.

Maybe in a black and white world people can't see the difference between those behaviours and something else.

The OP has every right to do what is right for her. I don't believe for a moment that you or anyone always puts other people first when making difficult choices. That's disingenuous if you pretend that's how you behave.

OP do what is right for you. Whatever path you choose will have consequences. You can diminish the hurt but there is no 'right' answer. if you do not pursue this you might regret it for life. If you do, you may lose a good marriage if your DH finds out. You may end up with neither him nor this woman. Just weigh it all up and make some decision that you are happy to live with.

No, bosses aren't always men. I had a 50/50 decision to make and chose randomly, please try not to be faux offended.

Yes, I know what disingenuous means.

No, they're no different. OP feels an 'emotional, intellectual and physical connection' with this wonderful person and can think of nothing else.

Who are you to say that my hypothetical exec doesn't feel that for his secretary, or the guy doesn't feel that magic when he meets an amazing woman who outshines his wife, or that the woman doesn't feel that every time she falls for a new man?

You're trying to attach significance to something both predictable and common, as if it is special in some way.

If it's so special put your money where your mouth is - leave and start a new relationship.

Her DH doesn't deserve to be in a competition he doesn't know he's in while OP test drives her shiny new toy.

Imagine being him - detecting an emotional distance but not knowing what's wrong, trying harder but sensing he's failing, being unaware during intimacy that he's sharing her, planning trips while OP increasingly imagines doing those things with someone else.

Read a few threads on here if you want first hand testimony. Being left without warning is devastating, later finding out that it was because there was a third person in your marriage makes it many times worse.

Being left without warning is devastating, later finding out that it was because there was a third person in your marriage makes it many times worse.

Is this your personal experience you are talking about- or do you profess to know how every human on the planet would react?
Arrogant or what?!

I see my choice as being whether to 'settle' for a comfortable, easy life or to make a leap into the unknown and see how it goes. I'm not sure that considering my own needs necessarily makes me selfish or greedy. I do think that completely squashing my desires or wants for the next 30 years because my husband is comfortable being married to me does prioritise his need for routine and stability over mine for stimulation and change. Neither of us is an awful person. We just don't want the same things out of life.

Pink frocks - apologies, let me elaborate to clarify that, whilst I haven't spoken to everyone in the world, and have no authority to speak on behalf of everyone in the world, I do sincerely believe that it must be devastating to be left without warning, having previously felt that there was nothing wrong with the marriage.

Furthermore I do also believe, based on a plethora of experience I won't bore you with, that it's even worse to later learn that your partner didn't only fall out of love with you, s/he has also been fucking someone else for however-many days, weeks or months.

I accept that I could be wrong and some people might be quite chuffed, pleasantly surprised or mildly cross about it.

OP - you absolutely should seek happiness and prioritise your needs. If you are unhappy in your marriage you should sort it out or, if unwilling or unable to do so, leave with your integrity intact. If you want this woman, go and get her. Just do so as a single woman so that you can look yourself in the mirror, and your kids in the face.

What comes over Nequid is that you have a lot of anger and perhaps some bitterness - as well as knowing what is best for everyone- and I hope you are having some help for this through counselling. And maybe learn along the way to exercise some compassion for people who don't live in a black and white world.

Why do I need counselling while I've got you telling me all about my character flaws for free?

It's a public forum PinkFrocks, people post stuff and other people post their opinions. Sometimes people disagree and that's ok.

I want what you want : OP to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship. We just disagree on how to achieve that and I make no apologies for advocating the route less hurtful and dishonest to the innocent parties.

There's a,lot of homophobia on this thread. No, no-one should cheat. End of story. But She's also experienced a profound revelation about her sexuality and to keep insisting that's irrelevant to her situation is to show a complete lack of empathy and understanding for how many non straight people become aware of their orientation. So yes this is,as profound and lifechanging as you feel it to be op but you need to end it with him first.

I don't think most posters are saying that the OPs sexuality is irrelevant . They are just saying that it's irrelevant to the general moral principle that cheating is wrong.

I think this was in response to the veiled suggestion that it was " adultery lite " . Or that having an emotional affair with another woman doesn't count as its just a crush or not real in some way

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the OP has suddenly realised she's gay not straight either tbh. She has realised that falling in love with another woman is a possibility she was not expecting. I'm guessing her guard was down as the friendship progressed - in a way it would not have been had the friend been a single man. I had a similar experience and it was a shock to the system, luckily I didn't work with the woman but knew her via a hobby, which I then dropped as I did not want to jeapodise my marriage of 7yrs

That was well over 20yrs ago, marriage now long over, but I do think my decision was the right one. What it taught me to recognise is that it's entirely possible for me to fall in love with a woman or a man, sexuality is on a spectrum I think, it's not a binary gay/straight - though lots of people appear to be at the ends of the spectrum.

Op I think your "not wanting the same things out of life" as your DH is an important issue here - but in all honesty did this only become clear when you realised how you felt about the OW? In my marriage the OW was a catalyst for my exH to re-evaluate our marriage and he found it wanting (after 24yrs). I now think it was right for the marriage to end but it was wrong of my exH to lie about the OW - that caused more problems for all his relationships, including with our DC, than the split itself. Please be honest with your DH if you do choose to split.

It's the received widow because it's fundamentally disrespectful to the person you love, and who trust you, to deceive them.

You are starting to piss me off now

Jeez!

Received Wisdom.

Cherry

I resent that accusation that there is any homophobia on this thread. I am giving respect to the idea that same-sex relationships have the same status as opposite-sex, but also require the same sense of responsibility not to hurt.

Wonder what the other woman feels about this, by the way?

Whereas if, for the sake of argument, I embarked on an affair without my husband's knowledge and discovered it wasn't all I had imagined then the only person who would suffer is me. I'm not trying to make light of it but I'm starting to be persuaded that I should give my feelings for this woman a chance to be realised.

Bollocks.

Unless you would be totally happy if your husband took the same attitude to an affair with someone either male or female who he thinks he might just fancy a bit more than you.

Plus you won't only know whilst you are conducting your little experiment, you will always know. If you stay with him it will be there forever.
If you leave for her, she will always know that you chose her this time but might just as easily choose someone else.

If you think you are staying in your marriage to keep your dh happy, then don't stay but don't use his needs as an excuse.

If it isn't wrong then you can tell him about it and be open. Its only because it is wrong and you know it that it has to be a secret.

You just want to have your cake and eat it. You have no right to keep your dh as a failsafe if your experiment fails unless you tell him that first and let him decide if he wants to be your back up plan.

mink

I agree.

But actually, the OP said on the first page that she's staying in the marriage to keep her children happy. No mention of her husband. So I think she is is the throes of something heady and selfish. No thought of the DH