In love with a woman

[AndAnotherThing1]

I'm married with 2 DC and have never considered, even fleetingly, that I was anything other than heterosexual. My marriage is fine - with ups and downs and dull bits like all marriages. Around three years ago I started working with a woman my own age who is openly gay. I've always found her bright and fun and enjoy spending time with her but in the last year I have developed strong feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she feels the same. I am worried that our friendship could very easily tip over into something more. But equally worried that it won't. I am consumed by thoughts of her. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for but just wondered if anyone else has experienced a similar situation.

It's absolutely true that the children are my main concern. Thinking about disrupting their lives is incredibly painful and they are dependent on me for their happiness and security. But my husband is not a child and, whilst I wouldn't want to hurt him for no reason, his happiness is not my responsibility. If my choice ultimately boils down to making him happy or making me happy then I'm not sure why his happiness trumps mine.

His happiness doesn't trump yours.
If you are not happy with him then leave him.

Don't string him along as your fall back position.

You have the absolute right to leave a relationship you are not happy with.

But whilst no one can stop you lying to him and being deceitful and unilaterally breaking an agreement you both made to be faithful to each other don't pretend to yourself that it is ok or the right thing to do or that he somehow deserves it.

If you do it it is because you want to but you are too chicken to risk losing your convenient safety net. Basically you'd rather risk him getting hurt than risk you having to maybe be lonely if it doesn't work out. But the thing is, it's your choice, you stand to gain, you should take the risk.

If you go into this you have to do so knowing that you may well hurt him just to please yourself.

And in so doing you may also hurt yourself.

I have a friend who had an affair. The rs survived but he never forgave himself and ultimately the guilt made him absolutely miserable because he wasn't really the affair type and bitterly regretted it long after his dp moved on and it isn't like it was a pain he could share with his dp - why should they help him heal his self inflicted wound?
You may find that you get badly hurt by this and that you will be hard pressed to find anyone who will have any sympathy for you if you do.

Far better if you are sure your marriage is over to end it as amicably as you can. Sort out shared parenting etc. Then move on discreetly to explore your options. You only live once so no point staying in an unhappy marriage but equally your dh also only has one life perhaps he can find someone who really wants him too.

And because you have dc together you will always be linked. Any poison you inject into the rs now will last a long time.

Ending one thing before you start another gives a better foundation for both your future rs and for shared parenting.

I'm assuming that you and your Dh have agreed to be in a monagamous relathioship with each other ? If you have changed your mind then you need to tell him , that you want to be involved with someone else .

Either he agrees to that and you have an open marriage . Or he doesn't and you split up .

He has exactly the same rights as you to happiness and fidelity . He has exactly the same right to know if he's NOT in a monagamous relationship, because that's the deal you Both made.

He has the same rights to choose what he wants in life as you do .

Your suggestion that the only person who would be hurt by you cheating is just ludicrous . What about your Dh , your children , the OW and her family ? How utterly selfish and dishonest you sound !

I don't think that one single poster on this thread has suggested that you have an affair . Everyone has said either

stay and work on your marriage / get counselling / end friendship

OR leave and be with her .

absolutely true that the children are my main concern. Thinking about disrupting their lives is incredibly painful and they are dependent on me for their happiness and security. But my husband is not a child and, whilst I wouldn't want to hurt him for no reason, his happiness is not my responsibility. If my choice ultimately boils down to making him happy or making me happy then I'm not sure why his happiness trumps mine.

But your happiness doesn't trump his either!

Plus yes you in a way are responsible to an extent for his happiness as you could be about to do something that he has no control over but could turn his world upside down
.

OP one thing you've not said much about, is how this woman feels about you.
You've put yourself through the wringer a bit- here and in RL I suspect- trying to work out what you want- but what does she want?

Is she as serious about you as you are about her?
Does she have children?
What's her relationship background?
If you did leave your Dh 'for her' does she seem happy to accept your DCs- or would your DH have custody?
Is she asking you to leave him - for her?

Have you thought about any of this?

I just have the impression that you are about to turn your life upside down and it may be based on fantasy of what you think is on offer rather than what is.

Andanotherthing I was once in your position, a long time ago. The marriage had it's problems, my H was unwilling to address them and the promise of a strong connection with a caring, loving female meant we parted. My DC were being affected by the tensions in the home, it was a bad patch in our marriage, and both of us were very unhappy, had no support, no one to talk to. No internet then for advice and warnings.

I was amazed that I had overwhelming feelings, and sexual feelings for a female, and quite confused looking back. I did the 'right' thing, the 'noble' thing. I wanted my H to meet someone who wouldn't turn his world upside down, who would be a better match, who could give him the chance of more children as he was 30. I was truthful, we agreed to part, it was civil, but very painful.

Me and female partner had a whale of a time, gave the DC a wonderful time, holidays, lots of fun, lots of new friends. It opened up their lives and gave them many experiences they wouldn't have otherwise have had. The marital home was sold, we bought a house together.

Me and H were still in contact, we were friends, he was very understanding, saw the DC each weekend...all amicable. But the divorce went through.

Then she left....for the next one, the next thrill, the next conquest. It had been a marvellous confidence boost for her... someone had [stupidly] left a marriage for her, 2 boys thought she was amazing and fun, and it all made her feel great. I was devastated, the DC very puzzled. It was hell...house to be sold, H met someone else etc.etc.

I didn't/don't deserve sympathy, I had been naïve, hurt my H who actually was a much more moral person than she was. The grass isn't greener, a bitter lesson was learnt and it was a huge, huge learning curve.

What I failed to realise was how people are capable of lying, of being so selfish, of not wanting commitment and of walking over other people to get what they want [excitement and novelty], even hurting children. I'd been in a family where no one behaved like this so it was a complete eye opener.

Single now, much, much older, living alone and never wanting a relationship again....no relationship since has worked out long term, just a long term [non-sexual] friendship. I have good relationships with my sons and grandsons but the past is a bit of an elephant in the room sometimes. [I'm sure it's the base of a problem between me and a DIL.] My sons are both in long happy marriages, are stable, hard working and well balanced men. All credit to them.

Would I do it again? Absolutely not. I was an idiot and didn't stop to think what her agenda with me/us was. So a cautionary tale. Make sure the calibre, moral compass and motives of the other person are sound and that you can put your future happiness in their hands. Or face the almighty mess that may ensue if not. Just my own story, if it helps or not.

OP, you seem absolutely convinced that you and this woman are compatible 'on every level'. That is powerful hormones clouding your rational brain. Lust works that way to convince us to further the human race regardless of who we are lusting after. We are all just people with our flaws and she has hers too.

You are in the throes of Big Emotion and it makes big decisions seem urgent and necessary. But, actually, you are about to do something selfish and destructive. It might all be for the best in the long term, but you need to acknowledge the selfishness and destructiveness for what it is.

If this is written in the stars, etc, then there is no need for speed. So do nothing. Wait. Don't blow up your children's lives by having an affair when you can bide your time and see how you feel in 18 months. You may feel different, you may not. No-one is perfect including this woman and 18 months will give you time to think about things and know your mind.

Can't wait 18 months? You need resolution now? You can't go on feeling like this? That is the lust talking - don't listen.

Oh, and if this is a work affair it is likely to affect your career.

you could be about to do something that he has no control over but could turn his world upside down

This. Absolutely this.

There's a line in a Joan Armatrading song about "making someone else some kind of an unknowing fool".

There's lots of talk about the OP's needs and the husbands needs and even the 'needs' of the third party, the work colleague. A lot of these might arguably be wants and desires as opposed to needs.

I haven't seen much about the needs of the children and their need to be shielded from the OPs equivalent of a magical sexual mystery tour, which, again, this may or may not be.

Like it or not, this situation is about more than deciding whether to stay in a marriage or embark on a new relationship. If the OP does she will be embarking upon a life which will have more than the 'usual' complications for all of them because of societal homophobia.

Whereas if, for the sake of argument, I embarked on an affair without my husband's knowledge and discovered it wasn't all I had imagined then the only person who would suffer is me

When people are involved in affairs they are distracted, preoccupied and do tend to spend less time focused on their home, their children, their careers.

Fact is, think of all the time you've spent fantasising about this person, all the hours spent thinking about her. Now double, triple, quadruple this which you will have to do if you start having sex with them because you will spend even more time conspiring to spend time with them.

Your focus will turn to getting away from your home, career, kids and other life in order to spend time with them.

And if you believe that nobody, and especially your kids, husband and wider family, won't notice this or be affected by it you are deluding yourself SPECIFICALLY to allow yourself to go ahead with lies and deceit.

Regrets - what a brave and honest post

You have no right to keep your dh as a failsafe if your experiment fails unless you tell him that first and let him decide if he wants to be your back up plan.

This.

It's interesting that you have dreamt up this bullshit about people saying you should leave your marriage first wanting to "punish" you.

I'm pretty sure that the version of you that isn't a person trying to justify monumental selfishness knows what a crock of shit that is.

If you hold your husband in as much contempt as it seems from your later posts on this thread, ending your marriage couldn't be a punishment.

If he's a decent man, as you claim, then treating him decently is what you owe him. So don't lie to him and trick him, just act with integrity.

Your children will not thank you for poisoning the relationship between their parents by introducing that level of betrayal.

If you want to explore this relationship, you can do that and still honour your marriage by getting out of it before you start doing things you know will hurt your husband.

Do you know what, I think it's as simple as this- Treat those as you'd want to be treated. End of.

I'm finding this thread really odd.

OP I 'm sorry you are having a rough ride here.

Set aside the fact that the OP is considering starting something with this woman while she is still undecided about a) her sexuality and therefore b) whether to stay in her marriage,( and she has not said categorically that she will start something while still married), there appears to be a lot of hypocrisy going on.

On the one hand on this forum, women are urged to LTB and seek their own happiness and told the children will adapt- with the old cliche that children are 'resilient' . They are told the children will suffer if they are in a home where parents don't love each other or get on. But here, the OP has been constantly reminded of how she ought to put her DH's happiness above hers or at least on the same level, and that her children may well suffer through a divorce.

Any counsellor will tell you that you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness but your own, ultimately. Yes, be respectful of others' feelings but if we all put other people above ourselves no one would ever get divorced, would they?

OP I think you ought to consider talking to your DH about this, not so much because there is someone in your life who may be 'the one' (you seem to think) but because if you are sexually ambivalent, you owe it to him to talk this through. He may - it's not impossible- be generous enough and love you enough to allow you to pursue that to find out - and still be there if you decide to stay.

love you enough ? Pink, really? So dps who aren't up for their wives having a fling with someone else, just to see how they feel, don't love them as much as those who are? Also, this isn't about exploring her sexuality anymore, if it ever was, this is about someone falling in love with someone else. That in itself isn't a crime. It happens. It's how the OP handles it that matters.

OP, please don't discuss this with your DH until you have thought on it some more.

Many people flirt with the idea of sleeping with someone else, then they don't, time moves on, the fantasy is disregarded for being what it is, and the relationship sails on. Try to avoid your DH having needless emotional turmoil.

Maybe talk it through with someone you trust who knows you/your DH/your kids.

pink very few people said she should stay for the sake of the kids.
They said if you want to leave, leave. But don't put your kids through having separated parents who despise each other because of an affair. And don't oretend lying to your dh is either for his benefit or something that he somehow deserves.

I really don't think you should speak to your husband about this. If you had realised you were bi-curious or bisexual & wanted to experiment sexually, that would be an entirely different state of affairs. These feelings are all targeted on one specific person & you have said you are in love with her. Completely different.

mink I think one of the downfalls of MN RElationships is that many people talk in absolutes. Who are you to know that the parents would despise each other ? This is a highly emotive use of language and there is no proof that would happen: you are making your opinion a fact to suit your argument. I do happen to know couples in RL where a split for these reasons has not resulted in them despising each other- or even young children aware of why their parents split up.

Likewise, we don't know that the DH would see himself as the 'safety net' or feel - if he was- it was something he didn't want. He would I think be so confused about his DW having a relationship with a woman that his reaction may not be as predictable as you imagine.

Rather than tell the OP what the outcome is going to be- which no one knows- surely it's better to ask her what she thinks the outcomes are likely to be ?

The OP has clearly decided that her needs trump everyone else.

I am not saying that (bitterness between parents) is the definite outcome but it is definitely a distinct possibility. Is it worth the risk?

People, especially in the throes of an infatuation, tend to put their desires before consideration of what might happen. How many people have had an affair only to regret it and wish they could turn but the clock. But once it is done it is done.

So the very least the OP should do is stop and think and stop pretending this is about her dh's happiness versus hers or some unstoppable force or that no one will get hurt - they may not but she cannot promise that - there is even a risk the person to get most hurt will be her. It is a choice. A choice she has and a choice she is not affording her partner.

It being a same sex affair doesn't suddenly make it noble or different. If it does then her dh will understand when she tells him. The only reasons to keep it a secret is a) because she knows it sucks and b) because she wants a fall back plan.

Bottom line, if you love someone you don't risk cheating on them if you don't love them then let them go to find someone else. Otherwise you are just using them (as a safety net or a cash cow or childcare or a convenience). They should have the right to decide too.

Who knows perhaps her husband will think it is a brilliant idea and be fully supportive. Like you say his reaction might not be predictable. The only reason not to tell him is if the OP has a pretty bloody good idea of what his reaction will be.

Some really interesting and useful thoughts here so thank you. Although I would say that the posters who are raging against me should calm down a bit. I have known this woman for three years and felt myself to be in love with her for a year. Whilst we've talked to each other about our emotional connection and our desire for greater intimacy we've never even kissed. She has never put any pressure on me to come to any kind of make or break decision because she knows there are real people involved who will be affected by our actions. In my original post I am asking for advice about how to cope with such powerful feelings within the context of a marriage. I want this woman desperately and know she feels the same about me. I do lust after her totally but am grown up enough to realise that galloping hormones cloud judgement. That's why I'm waiting. Even so, my feelings are growing rather than diminishing and your experiences and advice are helping me to, tentatively, consider the 'what ifs' that may arise in the future.

But what are your feelings for your dp? You meed to consider the 2 in isolation as much as that is possible.

In some ways, Whether or not you want to be with her is secondary to whether you want to be with him. You need to deal with the situation you are in first.

Not just because you owe it to your dp but because if you do act you may not have the option of returning to your current situation.

I will hold my hands up at this point and say I am by no means whiter than white so I am not speaking here as the bitter ex.

If this was a man talking about a female 'crush', he would have been annihilated by now! Just sayin'