In love with a woman

[AndAnotherThing1]

I'm married with 2 DC and have never considered, even fleetingly, that I was anything other than heterosexual. My marriage is fine - with ups and downs and dull bits like all marriages. Around three years ago I started working with a woman my own age who is openly gay. I've always found her bright and fun and enjoy spending time with her but in the last year I have developed strong feelings for her. She has made it very clear that she feels the same. I am worried that our friendship could very easily tip over into something more. But equally worried that it won't. I am consumed by thoughts of her. I don't really know what advice I'm looking for but just wondered if anyone else has experienced a similar situation.

As 4 in 10 marriages end, it would be silly to pretend other people play no part in that.sometimes another person on the scene is a wake up call to end a marriage regardless of whether an affair is started or someone ends up leaving for someone else. Yes, it's sad, yes, people are hurt. But it's so common (not that it makes it right or less painful of course) that it's unnecessary to call people names, as if that is somehow going to give them a reality check when they are already in turmoil.

OP there are two issues here, if not more.

• Are you bisexual or gay?
• Are you ready to leave a marriage?
• Are you ready to leave only for someone and not just 'leave' because you are unfulfilled?

-Is this OW a real option or is it a flirtation for her with no real possible happy ending for you?

Try counselling- on your own- maybe with someone who 'does' sexuality and so on. Helpful regardless of whether you stay , go or find you are gay.

My marriage isn't bad and in fact my DH and I get along well most of the time, share interests and take equal responsibility for our children. I genuinely don't think I am looking for someone to fill any kind of void. I've just met someone I am more attracted to at every level. I'm not acting fully on my feelings because I don't want to cause my children any distress. And because I know, deep down, that if we were to sleep together it would mark the end of my marriage.

I'm not really worried about the gay or not gay thing. Although before this happened I would probably have winced slightly at the thought of having sex with a woman so I have surprised myself!

I don't think this is just like any other affair (i.e with a man) because it's an affirmation of a sexuality that is new to you i.e you are hoping for a lesbian relationship with this woman.

Plenty of women have done this, they find the love of their life in their thirties or older and it turns out to have been a woman all along. A woman who famously fell in love was the late great Virginia Woolf.

Provided the woman is also interested, I would advise you to leave your husband and pursue this relationship in case you regret it deeply if you don't.

I've just started a thread on something similar.

Isn't it possible it's just lust? Something different? I really don't think there's anything wrong with how you're feeling. I think you may be misreading your own feelings actually and just find her different.

Marriage, life can get same-y. It doesn't have to mean you've fallen out of love or want to leave your whole established life behind.

Where I draw the line is lying or with-holding the truth. When one person is left in the dark - that's deceit. Nobody deserves that. Couldn't you talk to Dh and see how you'd both feel about stepping outside the marriage or bringing someone else in just for fun? [assuming the other person would also be fully aware of intentions and happy]

If I'm wrong and you really think you're falling for this woman then you some serious decisions to make. Good luck

You are probably just star struck.
Just concentrate on your lovely family, it's the most important thing in the world.

'There is hurt but it's not always doom and gloom forever'.

You're right, because people can get over anything given enough time, but why not reduce the hurt and doom for everyone by honestly leaving the marriage before embarking on a new relationship?

But people rarely seem to do this, preferring instead to selfishly make absolutely sure they're getting something better before trading up and leaving their shocked, distraught partner in their wake.

If it's true love, it'll still be there in a few months.

what do you want from this thread?

If your marriage is cosy but lacks passion are you happy to stay in it?

You have choices:

-accept that you would rather be with someone else if she wants the same (because she gives you something your DH can't.)

-move on and away- leave your job

-keep your job and harden your heart

-have a fling and get it out of your system ( or find it ends your marriage.)

-do nothing and keep on fantasising about another life with this woman.

But people rarely seem to do this, preferring instead to selfishly make absolutely sure they're getting something better before trading up and leaving their shocked, distraught partner in their wake.

If it's true love, it'll still be there in a few months.- will it?

Life isn't black and white and you aren't accounting for human frailty.
Do you always do what is right?
Lots of judging going on. As always.

I have found these types of relationships to be all consuming and intoxicating-but they generally aren't real or enduring. Be careful! (No judging from me, got the t-shirt!)

I have found these types of relationships to be all consuming and intoxicating-but they generally aren't real or enduring. Be careful! (No judging from me, got the t-shirt!).

This. I left my long term relationship for a female colleague and looking back i regret it a lot. Hurt and pain all round. Of course, every situation is different, but i too would advise caution.

Country I only asked if the OP was a teacher because i am one, and the other people i know whove been in similar situations are teachers also. i wondered if the OP might be someone i know

Erm, lesbian relationships are absolutely real & can be every bit as enduring as straight ones. Bizarre comment.

By 'these types of relationships' I didn't mean lesbian ones! I meant emotional, intense ones that can tip over into an affair.

Oh ok. Sorry for being prickly.

No worries.

I believe sexual orientation is definitely a factor here. Your subject line, your OP's first line and also your last line all about the fact it's a woman when you considered yourself heterosexual.

I think it's a bit of a novelty. You never expected to crush on a woman, especially one where a relationship was possible. What are the odds that the first woman you had a crush on was able to reciprocate?

If this was a man that you were crushing on, what would you be doing/saying? If this were a man that "made it very clear [he] feels the same" you wouldn't have continued like you did. You would have distanced yourself, told him it was inappropriate. You're have ignored it.

This woman is no different. She is a risk to your marriage and you need to withdraw from the situation.

See, I don't agree with the "this woman's no different to a man".

I think this is a positive affirmation of lesbianism, which is something quite different. If it was a man then all the arguments of "stay with your husband" would be right, but it's not. The OP is hoping to embark on a lesbian relationship, with a woman hoping to do the same and that is something entirely different to an affair with a man.

From the Op's POV, of course.
From her husband's POV there might be no difference at all.

Sakura's right when she says this is different to it being a man, because this situation comes with the added pressure & wonder of whether it is an uncovering of a true self that's gone unacknowledged before now. Falling for another man wouldn't present this dilemma for the OP. Practically: you jump or stay. It's a crossroads in your life & it is a stark choice. Understand the reasons for your choice as best you can, then make it fully. Be with this woman, stay with your husband or be on your own.

There are 2 aspects to this: sexual orientation and the prospect of leaving a marriage.

In some ways the situation is no different to a heterosexual liaison- ie one person is married, meets someone else, wonders if they ought to leave marriage for the other person. But in others it's very different, because OP it's made you question your sexual identity and preferences. So you have two issues to work through, not one.

I think you ought to challenge your opinion that your marriage is 'fine'. If it were fine and dandy then you'd not be drawn so much to someone else. You need to do some really hard navel gazing over whether your marriage- with or without the appearance of this woman in your life- is all you thought it was.

Maybe it's as if you were coasting along in a Ford Mondeo, content that it 'did the job' for you, then suddenly you took a spin in a Porsche and decided 'Goodness, this is so much better!'. But whether the Porsche is a long-term good option or even available is another matter.

I've know a few women who ditched marriages for lesbian relationships in their 40s and 50s- it's not that rare.

No one sets out to have an affair- well, some might- but usually it's not premeditated. People don't set out to 'test the water' first before jumping ship. Most people meet someone by chance and , quite understandably, consider whether to leave one relationship for that person or not. It's only by meeting someone that the flaws in a relationship are sometimes put under the microscope. The hard part OP is for you to decide if this relationship has legs, or if it's a fling for the other woman, if she is as serious as you, and if you are ready to take the plunge into something new.

The other thing which I meant to add is that sexual orientation is not always fixed. You might equally have been attracted to a man if he had the personality of this 'other woman' - so you need to work on whether it's the sexual side that is attracting you or her personality. If it were a man with the same personality, would he be just as attractive? In other words is it because she's a woman that you are attracted to her - or because there is an emotional and intellectual connection that is unconnected to gender? Maybe ask if you could love her as a close friend, and why it has to spill over into something sexual. If you are strongly physically attracted to her, then yes, it sounds as if you have bisexual feelings- which is why I still say see a counsellor who deals with this and even if you don't leave your DH for this woman it will help you understand who you are.

Pinkfrocks -

'Do you always do what is right?'

No, of course not, I make mistakes like anyone else. Do I knowingly set out to do something that is guaranteed to ultimately hurt other innocent people? No.

'Lots of judging going on. As always.'

Why use judging like its a dirty word? Some behaviours invite and deserve judgement. Trying to talk yourself into an affair, or justify it, or excuse it, is reprehensible. This isn't happening by accident, or without her conscious realisation.

At the moment OP seems to be in the process of making a decision, nothing's happened yet. So now is the perfect time IMO for someone to remind her what's at stake, and what she stands to lose if she tries to have her cake and eat it too.

FWIW my advice is still to either cut contact and work on the marriage, or walk away before embarking on a new relationship. I honestly mean this with kindness OP, an affair is no way to treat your DH and it's no way to start a new relationship, if that's what you choose to do.

Lust definitely is a factor. I have never felt so overwhelmingly attracted to anyone. But we have worked together for three years, and know each other well and I feel that it is the emotional connection that really binds us. Which makes me sound like a melodramatic teenager who's read too many Victorian novels. So just for balance she is hilarious, clever, interesting and amazing fun too.

okay- so that is the infatuation explained, OP.
what do you want to do with it?

nequidnimis

I don't disagree with you to an extent, BUT can you possibly begin to understand how hard it might be for the OP to walk out of something, totally unsure what the future may hold with someone else?

The reason people have affairs that lead to a permanent split is because yes, they hedge their bets. I agree it's not ideal but I also think it's being completely unrealistic to expect humans to 'play by some rule book' where emotions are concerned.

Can you not understand that the OP might want to make sure that she is really ready to leave a DH and DCs and that in order to do that she has to be sure the OW is worth doing that for?

Yes, she might leave anyway- for no one.

But would it hurt the DH any more to be left for someone, compared to no one, or supposedly 'no one' only to find his wife was with someone a few weeks / months down the line.

Your advice may be applaudable, but it doesn't show much compassion for people who agonise over which path to take and their feelings. I am sure the Op doesn't want to hurt her DH but ultimately, people tend to be selfish and do what is right for them.

That's a really interesting point Pink Frocks. The received wisdom is that the person contemplating an affair should break from their current partner first as a form of penance for their bad behaviour. So that if it doesn't work out they can suffer appropriately. Crying in a lonely bedsit forever drowning in regret. Whereas if, for the sake of argument, I embarked on an affair without my husband's knowledge and discovered it wasn't all I had imagined then the only person who would suffer is me. I'm not trying to make light of it but I'm starting to be persuaded that I should give my feelings for this woman a chance to be realised.