Can love work between the classes?

[matchgirl]

I am 31 and a post grad student in London at present, originally from Scotland and from a pretty poor back ground, glasgow council scheme, free school meals, Dad was out of work at times that sort of thing. Not complaining at all love my folks and they did everything to make my life better but just giving you an idea of my situation.

Anyway I have met a guy in London last autumn, through some friends I have at Uni he is 37, single and works as a journalist no problem but he is posh, not just a bit but like Eton posh, really rich, he is much posher than he is rich.

When we met it was a total thunderbolt for both of us, lust at first sight I don't think he let go of my hand for about 10 minutes when introduced. It was crazy, never have experienced anything like that before.

We started seeing each other very quietly at first, I think we both felt it couldn't last but it did and it actually went pretty quickly from just a sex thing to something more, yes there was culture clash but also real friendship, desire and we fell in love.

It has been great, he is a really lovely man and when it is just us two its is great no real barrier but we both realise that things are getting serious between us and he wants us to think about a real future together. I am thrilled but it wouldn't just be him I would be marrying but his whole family, his social circle and his job and it would be in London, forever not Glasgow with my family. I don't mind but I worry that I would have to change my identity to fit in with him and his life. His older brother makes it plain he can't stand me and makes little digs at me when he thinks he won't be overheard. His Mother on the other hand seems to adore me and finds me charming so go figure.

I am not used to fancy places and got a very gentle telling off for piling up plates for the waitress in a fancy restaurant and my accent embarresses me at times, Kirsty Young I ain't.

These are all minor I suppose but I am back home visiting my parents they have met him and think he is lovely but they both are worried I will feel isolated if I marry him.

I don't really have doubts about him or our feelings but I wonder can it really work with such a gulf between our background? Will he be looking at all the elegant Imogens and Felicitys in a few years wondering why he married a peasent like me?

Hmm think long and hard. My background is far more middle class and dh is UMC(with proper aristocratic relatives) it has caused issues, not so much at first, but definately when we had dcs........the biggest problems are his private/public schoolING and politics.

Well as someone who moved countries (and continents) to be with my DH I can tell you it's hard, bloody hard at that, especially in the beginning.

DH and I were NC with his family for 3 1/2 years because of bad treatment towards me. I cried many many nights about how unfair it was. Questioned whether love was enough. Being treated disdainfully takes its toll on you, especially when they're all you have (nearby that is). My DH is, of course, amazing and is on my side (there was only once he wasn't at the very beginning of dating) which is small consolation when you're feeling so very alone.

You'll find yourself changing. Sometimes for the good, sometimes bad. If you're not careful, you'll find yourself second guessing yourself and being very conscious of what you're doing and saying. If you're lucky instead as a strong minded person you'll ignore the mean people and carve out a lovely little life for yourself.

I'm not sure it's a "classes" thing but it is a culture thing. It's not because he's better or you're worse, but you're worlds apart. Whether it will work and whether you'll be happy are probably 2 different things.

Is he willing to visit your family and your home often? Is he willing to protect you from the negative people (and believe you when you tell him about them)? Is he "posh" in an unassuming way in the same way you're how you are (i.e. it is just how he is), or is he entitled? Do you share the same values? Will he (and his family ) respect your parenting choices? When you DO have kids you won't be near your family, just his...

It's hard but it can work if you both want it to... and if he's willing to do some changing as well.

Matchgirl forget your boyfriend for a moment and think about your life, where you are now, where you see yourself living and the life and career you were hoping to lead.

I have a similar background and ended up at 18 heading on a career path where my peers were right honourables, or commuted to work on private jets. I am no where near this league but you wouldn't know it unless you truly got to know these people, because the true upper classes don't go shouting about it and have real class. I was pushed to make a better life for myself by my family and I went for it. By the time I was 30, my accent had softened although it's still apparent, I have a bit more clue about etiquette etc. I couldn't go back home to live because I just don't fit in anymore. There was a certain sadness upon realising I had changed but I do love my life in the garden of England. People always ask about my accent and I have been teased but you learn to give as good as you get.

Mostly I just think that my father is proud that his daughter did good, his grandchildren don't go hungry or cold in winter and we have a fairly stable finances. So long as you never forget your beginnings and lose touch with the ones you love, at the end of the day we all came into this world the same messy way. But really deep down where do you want to make your home, London or Glasgow? Because even without the boyfriend London will change you over time. Your eyes become opened to so many things.

I am lucky that his mother likes me, I think that is important to him and some of his friends from work are more mixed in background and they are more accepting. I am aware that I will probably change a bit but I am 31 and so enough of myself to retain most of who I am. Also I don't think he wants me to change too much I know I have my worries he will regret his choice but he could have had a nice posh girl if he wanted and he chose me and I know that is important.
He likes my family and so far is happy to visit and I feel we can find middle ground on raising children but then they say people get more conservative as they get older, perhaps it will cause an issue. Generally in the past I have felt that having a similer back ground was a huge benefit in a relationship and here I am throwing all that out the window because I am in love!

Of course it can work. Social mobility is much easier now. A big bonus that his mother likes you. It doesn't matter if his brother never does, especially as they aren't close.

I think even if you are talking stately home background v council house, as long as you are vaguely on the same page intellectually, morally, aims in life etc, and in love then your half way there. Personally unless you are strident political party members, then different politics can be accepted but not dwelled on!

Go for it. It would be crazy for you both to let each other go for imagined problems that won't be there.

It can and does work.

Is he a kind person all round? By that I mean how does he talk to the checkout person and the waitress?
Does he show sympathy to the people living on the streets or does he think they are losers and get what they deserve?

If he shows kindness to all, despite voting Tory then that a huge good sign.

Could you buy a flat in Glasgow, so you can visit for as long as you want without staying in hotels or with family. You would feel that you do have your own home in Glasgow too.

We can plan out our lives but often the plan changes!

His Mum sounds like a lovely, kind lady. They are not a family of arrogant, upper class knobs.

Ignore BIL.

It can work however I'm concerned you are already all about him. What he wants, he chose you etc. firstly you chose each other he's not some Prince Charming from a fairytale your lucky to have landed.
When you have children politics will matter, having the same belief system is important. Believe me you will find enough minor things to bicker about without having huge major differences. The first throws of love and lust change. Is he funny? Is he kind? Is he generous (not money but time,love etc), child rearing does he want 50/50 or he is he traditional and it'll be your role, it's romantic to discuss having a family the reality not so much, these things matter.
Love does not conquer all, life is not a movie. This is from a very happily married person from slightly different backgrounds who's husband quite often doesn't get social expectations ( I am often embarrassed), he couldn't give to flying figs and I love him for that. He's changed my thinking and I his. If your not the same as the rest embrace it don't be ashamed you bring a different perspective.
I wish you all the best.

Two two two figs, ffs it's early

I think you also need to think carefully where you choose to live to bring up your family.
Some areas in London ave very pretentious and others more down to earth and lovely.
Me and my ex are from different backgrounds (but not as far apart as you and your BF) but what kept our relationship going was similar attitudes towards bringing up kids and family.
You don't have to meet your BIL if you don't want to. If he carries on like he is now I would challenge him. I had to do it to one of my SIL's who is a bit narcissistic. It was tough, I had a good cry afterwards and cooled down that relationship so she doesn't feel entitled to comment on my life choices. We see each other at ex-PIL's social gatherings and Christmasses.
I think bullies like her and your future BIL would push until you stand up to them. He isn't challenging you in front of others because he knows he would look like an idiot. I believe that exposing his small mindedness (or the threat of doing so) will put a stop to his behaviour. He cares a lot about appearances and most of ppl in London are very PC

You could've been me 10 years ago OP! We've been happily married for 7 years now and have two beautiful DC.

You adapt. Both of you. If you love each other and are BOTH prepared to compromise, it can work out.

Saying that...my DH isn't a Tory. That might've put me off...

I think you will only feel isolated if your life revolves around his family, his job, his friends.

Whatever his family life is like, you would still have decisions to make about where you would live, and you should both have equal input into this decision.

If you don't get on with his family or feel they will dominate your lives, or equally if you feel he will resent your close relationship with your family, then you may not be happy with him. This can happen regardless of background.

You sound as though you feel that the way you have been brought up is inferior and that his way of doing things is intrinsically right, so therefore automatically he should have the final say on any decision. Obviously that is bollocks and not a healthy way to have a relationship.

I think it should be about you and DP. You as a couple should decide and agree on how you want to live your lives. In any relationship both members will have to compromise.

Do you love him? Can you imagine a life without him? Are you willing to 'suck it up' at times (such a Christmas or family birthdays) for him? You both need to accept each other for who you are. You will change and learn new things, but isn't that a normal part of life?

My DH and I are not from the same country (or even continent) and we have taken bits and bobs from each others cultures and sort of merged together. It's interesting to see how we raise our DC with a combination of values and traditions from both sides.

With regards to politics, see it as a fun discussion point between the two of you. I know many couple who do not vote the same and are happily married.

Goodness what is all this talk of 'changing' about....'might change' ....'retain enough of myself' etc

Just enjoy your relatively new relationship and go with the flow.

My Dp comes from a similar background ....as long as your values are similar then don't make it into a performance of My fair Lady.

You work together because you enjoy each other....

His Brother sounds awful. There's always one.

I think your idea of ensuring you have a life and circle of friends in London (aside from his) is important for your own well-being generally.

But perhaps one think to consider, that as a graduate Londoner, you are now middle class, having already moved away from your family roots (literally and figuratively). This is social mobility in action, and does mean that when you move into a new circle it may be unsettling, you may suffer 'imposter syndrome' (popular when newly promoted) etc, but it doesn't usually last

Ignore his brother (arses can crop up anywhere).

Don't fight your change of class. The 'Felicities and Imogens' aren't a threat because of their class, because you're all the same now. Though I see you might feel they are, because you are still on your journey to where your education is taking you. They are perhaps a bit more relaxed in their skins, because they are not thinking about class, and do not appear bothered by imposter syndrome.

If I have one piece of advice, it's embrace the woman you have become. Not compare to the girl you were.

Off on a tangent - why is it wrong to stack the plates for the waiting staff? I always do this and when I was a waitress I found it helpful too.

Good luck OP. Your DP sounds lovely. My DH's sis is a pain in the bum. It doesn't stop him being lovely.

DH went to Harrow, I went to a state comp up north. It works very well. We met at university.

I'm more Tory than he is. He is a looney lefty.

His family are bloody lovely too. The family you describe sound off.

If his mother is elderly (but nice) and he doesn't really get on with his brother, his family don't sound like too much of a problem.

(The brother I mean)

Its early. I typed family meaning brother.

I actually think the class thing doesn't matter.

I have a very posh friend. He has met a girl who is quite posh but not in the same class as my df. I have become close with his gf. She wonders the same as you op.

His mother is lovely and is so happy that he is happy, she doesn't care about the gf background. His father isn't so much fussed about the background but is very vocal on issues such as boarding schools. he feels that children must go to boarding school. My friend and his gf do not. I told the gf that what she really needs to consider is that, when the time comes, if he gets pressure from his dad to send their kids to boarding school, does she think her bf will stand his ground or pack the kids off to make daddy happy. In their situation we both know he would stand his ground and make decisions with his partner, not his parents/friends/family.

Do you think your bf will make these decisiona with you or be swayed by what his parents want?

I think the other important thing in these situations Op, is he financially independent? My friend is. Sometimes when families rely on their parents or parents businesses for income they find themselves making decisions to keep the peace so bill are paid.

These are the things I said to my friends gf. She knows he will decide with her and they won't be able to force him to anything and she knows he is financially independent, so they don't feel beholden to them.

Honestly, I would think very hard. Of course it CAN work but more often than not it doesn't work long term. I do have some personal experience. I agree with others that I think you would be better off living somewhere neutral rather than you becoming 'assimilated' into his world should you marry. Is marriage actually on the cards btw? Like, as in, he has proposed and you are planning a wedding?