DP's Uncle told me he loves me what should I do?

[meredieu]

I am am still reeling over what has happened this morning , I am shocked and don't know where to go with this to tell my Husband or just pretend it never happened. This morning DP's Uncle told me he is in love with me, he say he doesn't expect anything to happen between us but that he had to tell me how he felt, that he had never loved his wife but married her when she became pregnant and that he has had strong feelings for me for years.

I am in my late 30's and he is 53. I have been with my Husband for 19 years and earlier this year we moved into a house a street down from his uncles house. He is a lecturer and so is off during the summer and has been dropping by while out walking his dog. I work from home and didn't mind him popping in but I did think it a bit odd as I always felt he did not like me very much.

I am totally in shock I can't even fully remember what was said I tried to tell him he was wrong in his feelings but when he persisted I asked him to leave which he eventually did to give me "time to think".

WTF do I do about this? Just pretend it has never happened or should I speak to my Husband about it?

OP, I think your difficulty is that you can't not tell your DH because with his uncle living so close by it would be impossible for you to avoid socialising with him and his family without giving a reason. And you really have to do that, because even if you make sure you never go to his house without your DH, you can never guarantee that there won't be occasions when you're left alone with the uncle and it would be just horrendous.

LovesPeace... there has been no infidelity though has there? Uncle confesses love to somebody else who isn't interested. He should be the one to tell his own wife, that's nobody else's job. OP wasn't interested in Uncle so that's the end of it.

Uncle gets to decide because he's the one who is choosing possibly to end his marriage. He may give his head a wobble and decide that he's been foolish and give his marriage another go. His marriage can't be in great shape for him to have his eye on another woman, it really can't - therefore Uncle's wife has her own choices to make and has always been free to make them.

If OP and Uncle found themselves alone in future, nothing would happen - because OP doesn't want it to.

There's a lot of drama on this thread and, if some of the posters would react in RL this way, they would certainly be interested in prolonging it.

If you can deal with this on the quiet, your husbands uncle may well feel he is genuine in his feelings yes it is a bit creepy but then it always is a bit creepy when someone you don't feel that way about likes you a bit too much. It must be terribly sad when you feel trapped in a marriage with someone you don't love and it sounds like you may have been at least until now a safe focus for his feelings. Something has clearly happened to push him into action most likely seeing you more often it has moved from a pleasent fantasy to something more real for him. Their was a thread on here recently about limerence and it seems you may have found yourself the limerent object. I agree it is an awful position to be in but it might be kinder all round to deal with this quietly and with compassion.

You MUST tell your H! But he is to do nothing with that information. Only to support you.

This will protect your marriage against the little secret the uncle will have over you.
Often predators test the water, if they get away with something like this, then what's to stop him brushing your boob, or arse accientally? This is the beginning of his campaign, not the end of it.

IF the uncle ever comes within spitting distance of either you or your dh again, then your h can make it known what he knows and that this man won't be welcome in any event he's present at, or he'll blow him out of the water in a heartbeat.

You need the back up and support in never having him in the house again, in never allowing him near you again. You can't do that alone,, one day you'd have to tell your h and he will feel betrayed that you kept this from him.

I'd say turning up in someone's house and in someone's marriage is a good indicator of infidelity.

I don't think it starts at the point penis enters vagina.

Just ugh at him sneaking about without his wife knowing. Presumably it's fine for him to keep trying it on with women until one reciprocates, and then it only counts when genitalia meet?

And the Uncle gets to decide?! The wife is to blame because obviously if he's trying to shag his niece then she was a bad wife? No, just no. And the wife is not free to make her own choices as she's not in full possession of the facts.

Uncle should have finished his marriage before approaching niece (if he had to do that at all). Or shut the fuck up. He's hedging his bets, and you seem to think that's hunky dory.

You have to tell your DH. Why wouldn't you?

It's not love though, is it. If you loved someone you'd want the best for them. Hitting on his nephew's wife, in her own home, is all about him. Nothing to do with love.

Agree with PP...in this case the uncle's declaration of love is really more of a declaration of 'wanting to get into OP's knickers'

Tricky. An uncle who is trying it on and awaiting your 'reply', and a husband with impulse control issues who can't be trusted not to damage his own family relationships.

If you're certain this guy is no threat, then just tell him once firmly that you don't reciprocate his feelings and that you are disappointed in his behaviour, but are willing to forget about it (and that if there is a repeat you will have to tell your DH.) I agree that you shouldn't be bothered with this bullshit at all, but for the sake of diplomacy and family relations sometimes things have to be done.

If at some point it does come out, you can just point out to your DH that you didn't trust him not to run off and beat his uncle to a pulp. That's his problem, not yours.

His marriage can't be in great shape for him to have his eye on another woman, it really can't

I am sorry, but I just don't buy that all married men cheat because their marriage is shit, and it sounds like that is what you are suggesting.

Creepy uncle has already shown his selfishness by telling the OP this, he has no regard for his wife, no regard for the position he has put the OP in, and no regard for his nephew. If someone is that selfish, I don't think the marriage needs to be shit before his eye roams.

I'm saying that it's the Uncle's responsibility to end his marriage if he wants out of it. If he were very happy in it I don't believe he would be ABLE to be in love/limerence with another woman. He is. No, LovesPeace I wouldn't be hunky dory with it but it is not OP's problem to fix.

I know that there are lots of women on this board who cling to the idea that men leave happy marriages, but I don't believe they do, anymore than women leaving happy marriages. It might be happy just from one side but it takes two to make a marriage work.

Ah, witch.
Therein lies your error - the uncle isn't leaving the marriage, is he? And presumably has no intention of it, or he would have done so before he propositioned his niece.

He wants to stay happily with his wife and child, while dropping by to the OP for a fuck on the side. Perfect. And everyone's happy, right? What the wifey doesn't know won't hurt her, eh? Staying for the kiddies.

Fuck that. The wife has a right to know, and to get rid of him. Hence why I suggest that the OP just make this proposition public - that doesn't make her responsible for 'fixing the problems' - that's the Uncle's problem.

Not telling Aunt makes the OP unwillingly complicit in the deception.

OP does DH know IU has been dropping in all of a sudden? I only ask because if so I think it'd be easier to tell him, less for him to process in one go!
I do think you should tell him, would you want to know if the tables were turned?

I thought that was what he wanted to do, because he loves the OP?

I don't think OP is responsible for telling anybody, she has done nothing to bring this on his marriage. I would absolutely resent having to tell somebody about their philandering husband - or just one-off misguided idiot husband - I really wouldn't accept that responsibility but I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, that there is to be no more of this or I would tell my husband, his brother, about it. If the man is intelligent he ought to be able to gauge the ramifications of that.

The wife might well have a right to know but that doesn't mean that OP is required to tell her, her (wife's) husband should do that.

Poor OP, it's a shit situation for her.

Well said. It's not the OP's responsibility to tell his wife. Her only responsibility is to tell her husband. The uncle should tell his own wife. But their marriage is their problem.

He left to give you "time to think?"

Is this the height of arrogance, or what? Who does he think he is, a woman magnet?! He's a creep and yes you should tell your DP. If you don't, he will find a way for it to "come out" that you and he have an attraction to each other.

Men like him get away with creepy behaviour because too often, women stay silent so as not to upset the applecart. There's also the disrespect to your DP his relative, and to his own wife. He'd never cross my threshold again if I were in your shoes.

If the OP keeps it secret, that will be a green light for Uncle Inappropriate to do / say more. It will become, as far as he is concerned, 'our little secret.' What's the next stage ? It's ok, I hear you say, he said nothing will ever come of it. Really ?

I agree regarding his arrogance. There's also an element of gauntlet throwing in the phrase, 'think about it.' I'm concerned whether or not the uncle had to work up the nerve to say it. He obviously doesn't care what impact it will have on your, your husband, the wider family etc.

I'm not saying the uncle is a stalker, but a lot of stalkers genuinely believe that they will be together with their 'prey' one day. Probably in the afterlife. Anyway, moving swiftly on.

No offence to the OP but is she just kind of at hand because they live in the same street, belong to the same family ? It's just to easy for a 15 year old girl to have a crush on her seventeen year old sister's boyfriend. However, if said bloke was available, he might not ever come to her notice.

I'm also a bit miffed that the uncle thinks he can say this totally inappropriate thing with the caveat, 'I know nothing will come of it'. Um, so why say it ? It smacks of, 'the offer's there if you want it.'

I can't help but wonder who else he's been 'mooning' over.

I'd ask if the uncle's social boundaries are so totally skewed that he thought this was ok and there would be no comebacks. It rather smacks of attention seeking too.

What's the uncle's defence going to be if it all comes out ? 'I only said' or 'she tempted me' or 'she led me on' ?

Maybe in the uncle's warped fantasy mind the OP works from home so she can be available to him. Which weaves into what a pp remarked on did he take it as a huge hint that they moved into the same street.

op your loyalty and honesty belong to your husband. Secrets poison relationships and make it possible for perverts to do what they do. There is no innocence in all of this nastiness and i doubt this is the first time this man has tried some unsavoury shit. Do not keep a secret for this man or any other reason. And be prepared that he may accuse you of coming on to him.You need your husband clearly by your side when the shit hits the fan.

OP - keeping it a secret would put you in the "wrong".

If you want to give your DH time to think before he acts, then take him away from home for a walk and then tell him (or drag him to a DIY store etc.).

You may well not be the first. I have known quite a few lecturers "fall in love" with students.

This guy is not "in love", he fancies a shag.

He's a predator and this secret must not be kept. It won't stay as it is, he'll do/say more.

Agreed his wife is not your responsibility, only your dh. You have to tell him.

Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot.

The uncle sounds fucking awful.

He doesn't expect anything to happen.

But he had to tell OP to give her time to think??!!

What kind of fucked up crap is that?

He should have kept away & kept his stupid trap shut!