DP's Uncle told me he loves me what should I do?

[meredieu]

I am am still reeling over what has happened this morning , I am shocked and don't know where to go with this to tell my Husband or just pretend it never happened. This morning DP's Uncle told me he is in love with me, he say he doesn't expect anything to happen between us but that he had to tell me how he felt, that he had never loved his wife but married her when she became pregnant and that he has had strong feelings for me for years.

I am in my late 30's and he is 53. I have been with my Husband for 19 years and earlier this year we moved into a house a street down from his uncles house. He is a lecturer and so is off during the summer and has been dropping by while out walking his dog. I work from home and didn't mind him popping in but I did think it a bit odd as I always felt he did not like me very much.

I am totally in shock I can't even fully remember what was said I tried to tell him he was wrong in his feelings but when he persisted I asked him to leave which he eventually did to give me "time to think".

WTF do I do about this? Just pretend it has never happened or should I speak to my Husband about it?

Going against the grain here, but I would simply tell the uncle that his intentions were unwelcome, and to keep his distance in future. I certainly would not want or need my DH to sort things out for me.

FWIW my ex's mate once declared love to me. He was a bit of a social inadequate. I basically told him not to be so innapropriate and to never mention it again. He never did.

I think you do need to tell your husband. Is there any way you could tell him while you're both further away from home (so he can't charge round) or while Uncle Creepy is away?

The main reason I think you need to tell him is that if it comes out further down the line, your husband may feel like a total berk if he has continued to invite UC round, for instance. And meanwhile you are covering for UC. I would probably - after telling your husband - email UC using some of the stuff people have written above. That's got it down in writing, and his response may be revealing.

The LAST thing you want is him minimising or denying it if it comes out at a later date.

"Not if she is only keeping it from him because she is able to deal with it herself and is reasonable enough to not want to shatter the lives of quite a few other people." - Um tbtc it is not HER shattering people's lives, or attempting to. Guilting a woman into keeping the secret of a pervy man who clearly thinks he's entitled to start an affair with his niece's wife because otherwise she is "shattering lives" is pretty weak stuff.

Um tbtc it is not HER shattering people's lives, or attempting to. Guilting a woman into keeping the secret of a pervy man who clearly thinks he's entitled to start an affair with his niece's wife because otherwise she is "shattering lives" is pretty weak stuff.

Well said.

Fair point elephants, though I didn't actually say (or mean) that it would be the OP that caused the shattered lives. It's absolutely her choice of course. The uncle at no point suggested she not tell anyone so he hasn't guilted her.

You have made quite an assumption when you say "he's entitled to start an affair with his niece's wife because otherwise she is "shattering lives". The uncle never said that.

OP, my own DH is the type to go off 'half cocked'. In a situation like yours I can well see him haring off to 'have it out' with Uncle. BUT, if I told him that I'd already dealt with it decisively myself and that I didn't need him to 'ride to the rescue', he would respect my decision.

I do think you should tell DH, these things have a way of wriggling to the surface. But, try to tell him in a time and place where he will have time to think before he acts.

Thank God for GobblersKnob as I'd stepped into a parallel MN universe then. The man may be a creep but he also may not. Misguided yes but entirely possible that he does have genuine feelings for the OP and it had to come out. It does happen and not everyone who falls in love is a predator and a creep.

It is very inappropriate to tell your nephew's wife that you're in love with them.

The OP also said he was persistent and she had to ask him to leave when he then said he'd give her 'time to think'.

That sounds bloody creepy to me

Do you know if the Uncle is due to go out for the day at the weekend or something? I would try and time this to when your husband is physically unable to rush around and blow his temper.

Maybe you and your husband can go out for a walk or something and you tell him then?

I don't think you do need to tell your husband if you don't want to. You've told the uncle to leave, you just need to follow that up more firmly if he appears again.

Uncle: Have you thought?
You: No, ridiculous man. Go away, I'm not interested in you, never will be. If you come here ever again I will tell my husband - your nephew.

If later on this come to light, you have this conversation:

Husband: Uncle has said he loves you, wants you to leave for him.
You: I know, ridiculous. I told him never to come here again in no uncertain terms.
Husband: Why didn't you tell me?
You: Because there was nothing to tell. I don't need you to defend my honour, did that myself very well.

You: and, why should I let something unsolicited that that creep said to take up either of our headspace. Nothing to tell, so I didn't.

You can add that it's a family member hence more forethought about telling him but that again, it's not for him to sort out it was for you to do it - and you did.

I can't believe the Sir Gallahad complexes that some posters seem to have.

I'm surprised no-one else is envisioning the possibility/huge likelihood that the Uncle will be invited to their house again by the husband, let alone that they will be expected to socialise together at all family gatherings. Doesn't he deserve to know if one of his own relatives has been trying it on with his wife? I don't think it's implying she's pathetic. What if it was his best mate, or her stepson? What if one of us had our sister try it on seriously with our partners - wouldn't you appreciate being made aware of this?

My point is, it's not in her power to ban him from the house/her life on her own.

Elephant... should that happen then Uncle will either decline, accept and be on best behaviour, accept and try to go public - harming himself.

Either way OP has nothing to worry about if she has lobbed the problem back at him.

So far Uncle has voiced his feelings. He has not attempted anything physical. If OP is firm and tell him precisely where to put his unwanted attentions, any further actions will be on his own head. She only has to say "Oh god, not this crap again." and explain the previous event and her attempt at quashing it, to DH and uncles wife. The consequences are all his.

As for my sister throwing herself at DH, as an example... well, she didn't have to. His brother's wife did that for long enough. Just before they got married we met the priest for an explanation of the Catholic ceremony. Her mum introduced my DH to the priest as "the brother XX should be marrying"

At that point I had lived with her being overly friendly, physically snuggling up to DH, hugging him, holding his arm etc, for about 5 years. DH barely noticed, by the way. She was a necessary evil in his life, given she was living with his brother. It stopped eventually (I suspect that my lack of response spoiled her fun) but it never crossed my mind that DH was complicit. It was just one of her 'things'.

It is possible to accommodate an unrequited love within a family without it exploding in everyones faces.

I'm with Elephants on this.
I think OP should tell her DH, but not so that he can "sort it out" for her (she should tell the uncle herself that she is not interested, he is being inappropriate and he should leave her alone) but so that he understand why the OP wants to limit time spent with this uncle. Also so that he won't feel like an idiot - and possibly hurt - if he finds out later.
I agree with PPs who suggested telling him when you or the uncle are away so he can't physically go over and make a scene. I might preface telling him with a warning he might be upset/angry and on condition that he calms down before doing anything.

I think that the husband has a right to know, as does the Uncle's wife and child. Hurtful, yes. If it were me, though and my husband were declaring love to someone (particularly a niece) I'd want to know so I could bin the fucker.

Tell the uncle to beat it...it's not that big a deal. I think u might need to look at your DH though if he has a tendency to fly off the handle about things you have no control over.

I can't imagine being married to somebody I couldn't tell everything.

OP, tell your husband in a public place away from our house so he has to react with decorum and has time to think.

Your uncle has developed feelings for you. Difficult for him, and you all.

Sensitivity required.

If it were me I'd tell my H, let him 9 and me!) process it, and soon as poss,meet with the Uncle, with H with me, in a public place, a neutral zone, and just be sympathetic and say "Its obviously not a go-er between 'us'.. and we are wondering.. is your marriage Ok?" then talk about how to proceed so everybody can save face and feel comfortable.

Realistically, its not that unusual for people connected by marriage to be sympatico with each other.

your, not our house!

"I think that the husband has a right to know, as does the Uncle's wife and child."
Hmmm, not sure about anyone having "a right to know". I think OP should tell her husband - they are a team - but I don't think either of them should tell the uncle's wife, not at this point anyway.
If he listens to the OP, accepts her "no" and backs off, they might be able to draw a line under it, with minimal harm done.
If he doesn't back off she can always threaten to tell his wife.

So some dirty old creep decides to hit on his nephew's wife and the advice is to be gentle with him. Give me a break...tell him to piss off. He will cos he is relying on you keeping it as 'your little secret'

Are there really husbands out there that would rush off to thump somebody for telling their partner that they love them? I wouldn't be married to somebody who would do that, I abhor violence and it would be a complete overreaction. Otherwise why the suggestions of 'away from home' so he can't fly at him. Utterly pathetic.

What would be the equivalent? A wife rushing off to thump another woman? Equally abhorrent.

Wife and husband have nothing to fear from each other in OP's case so no need for 'binning' anybody.

I'm with LazyLou...

The idea of writing Uncle Inappropriate a letter along the lines suggested by pps, ie leave me alone, don't be ridiculous or else, is a good one. Keep a copy and show it to DH when you tell him. That way he can see that you've dealt with it decisively, and that you're laying the blame firmly where it lies, so that there can be no doubt that there has been no encouragement on your part.

Just wondering OP, do you think 'Uncle Inappropriate' (love that!) would deny it to your DH if he did confront him? If so, what would be DH's response to that? Not that I think he would doubt you, but would it cause more trouble or escalate things to another level?

I still think he should be told, but it's something to think about.

Just asking everyone - are you really saying that if your husband declared love for another woman, a relative, you wouldn't want to know?

I'd feel the biggest fool and utterly betrayed if I were the wife and everyone knew except me.

And it takes away the wife's right to choose whether to stay with a man who would do this. Why let the Uncle Inappropriate decide? Because he's the man?

I despair of a society that covers for male infidelity.