DP's Uncle told me he loves me what should I do?

[meredieu]

I am am still reeling over what has happened this morning , I am shocked and don't know where to go with this to tell my Husband or just pretend it never happened. This morning DP's Uncle told me he is in love with me, he say he doesn't expect anything to happen between us but that he had to tell me how he felt, that he had never loved his wife but married her when she became pregnant and that he has had strong feelings for me for years.

I am in my late 30's and he is 53. I have been with my Husband for 19 years and earlier this year we moved into a house a street down from his uncles house. He is a lecturer and so is off during the summer and has been dropping by while out walking his dog. I work from home and didn't mind him popping in but I did think it a bit odd as I always felt he did not like me very much.

I am totally in shock I can't even fully remember what was said I tried to tell him he was wrong in his feelings but when he persisted I asked him to leave which he eventually did to give me "time to think".

WTF do I do about this? Just pretend it has never happened or should I speak to my Husband about it?

meridieu,
you are not responsible for your husband's behaviour.
Please tell him.

I know i haven't done anything wrong but I worry that I may have given him the wrong impression just by being friendly. I don't expect anyone to fancy me at the best of times and least of all a family member.

meredieu,
Stop taking the blame for something that's not your fault!
Being friendly doesn't give this dirty old man licence to make inappropriate suggestions to his nephew's wife.
He's the one who's in the wrong by crossing boundaries.

I may be alone in this, but this all seems to be getting blown a bit out of proportion.

He is a man he has feelings for you, apparently this has gone on for a long time. If he had any sense he would have kept it to himself but love can make us do stupid things and he is in love with you.

Personally I would have let him down gently and made it VERY clear that you were in no way interested and that nothing would EVER happen between you and then let him go on his way.

I would have left the whole thing for a bit and then told dp a little while after the fact when it had all blown over, or maybe not at all.

He has a crush on you, yes it's inappropriate, but he is only human, sometimes we feel we have to check these things out in order not to have massive regrets later.

He hasn't done anything terrible, I don't know what some posters are suggesting you never see him again, or let him in your house?

I do not think my husband will hurt me when I tell him, he might get angry at me until he is able to process things. He isn't great at dealing with his emotions and tends to panic / lash out a bit when he feels something strongly. I am more worried about him causing a scene at his Uncles. I can see where he should speak to his uncle and tell him to stay away but I want to keep his wife and son out of this if I can.

As long as you don't think your H is liable to get arrested for punching Uncle Creepy in the face, I'd let him go to town. Frankly I'd say his wife deserves to know what he said.

Either your H, or preferably both of you together, need to be having a word with Uncle anyway to make it crystal clear that you are not the slightest bit interested and if he comes to the house you'll consider it harassment and report it to the police.

GobblersKnob, Thanks for that different take on things, perhaps you are right, I find difficult to accept that he truly does have feelings for me in that way.

I think for me I would like to to blow over and for hopefully this not to have any impact on his own marriage in the long term.

Why is he creepy? Misplaced absolutely, but I don't get the creepy vibe.

I agree with Gobblers, it sounds like he is in love with you and wants to tell you just in case there is any chance that you might feel the same, life being short etc. Tell him very clearly that you are not interested and nothing will ever happen between you (assuming that is the case). Tell him you will tell your dh and his wife if there is ever any mention of it again.

Going against the 100% vote to tell your DH! Personally I'd tell the uncle something along the following lines :

You really shocked me this morning with your declaration and I'm going to be charitable and put it down to a moment of madness. You must understand that I have no interest in you whatever, nor in developing a relationship with you. Your nephew would be devastated if he knew, and the shockwaves throughout our families would be far-reaching. I will say nothing to anyone on the strict understanding that you don't speak to me again about this and do not call in to our house uninvited. If you can't comply I'll be forced to tell DH. Please think carefully about the consequences of that.

I'd be inclined to send the message in written format so that if I did have to tell DH at some point in the future it's crystal clear that the uncle's declaration was a) unsolicited and b) soundly rejected.

I think if this was me, I would write a letter to Uncle stating in no uncertain terms that nothing will ever come of this, you love your husband. Ask him not to come to your house again when you are alone. Tell him that if you see him around you should both behave as if he never said anything to you.

Tell him that you have not told your husband as you are afraid how he will react.

Keep a copy of this letter to show your husband should everything come to light.

I don't see why you have to tell your DH - it's something you can deal with. IF uncle does not respect your wishes THEN it's time to tell DH.

Hopefully that will be the end of the matter.

x-post with optimist

Agree with the two posters above.

The man is a predator and I bet he's whispered the same sweet nothings in the ear of some of his students.

Tell your husband, it must not be kept a secret, and don't let him over your doorstep again.

I'm not alone, then! (Great x-post tbtc !)

Really Wee? Predator - someone who ruthlessly exploits others.

Given what you've said about your husband, I would not tell him at the moment. The fallout from something like this could be massive in a family. Wait to see if the uncle says or does anything else. As things stand right now you can just laugh it off as something you saw as a joke, should it come out. If anything else is said or done, then that would be the time to tell your H.

I would be wary about letting him in again when you are alone tbh.

He might see that as some kind of go ahead.

Even if he did genuinely have feelings for you, telling you is completely inappropriate, and a boundary has been crossed. He is married, as are you, to his nephew. If he is willing to cross that boundary, what other boundaries would he be willing to cross?

He said he doesn't expect anything to change, but the very fact that he is telling you suggests otherwise. He is unburdening himself on you in an attempt to make you complicit in this. But the feelings are his, and his alone, and he does not have the right to make you feel in any way responsible for them.

Please tell your DH, as keeping this a secret could also be construed as a go ahead by this man, as it could be seen that you are willing to be complicit in this with him.

I am with tbtc and optimist

This could ruin lives. That would not be your fault, of course. But nevertheless I think for the sake of his wife and son and the rest of your DPs family it is best to give him the option of thinking through the consequences and keeping away from you before his family gets hurt.

Infatuations can make people behave in truly stupid ways.

Really Wee? Predator - someone who ruthlessly exploits others.

Yes. He's ruthless. He's taken away the Op's security and made her vulnerable within in her home, her marriage, and extended family.

He's a cunt of the highest order.

Bit of a leap there Weebirdie! I agree with tctc and optimist, at this point you just need to tell him he crossed the line and should not come visiting whilst your husband isn't there.

Not creepy, really?

A man fixates on his nephew's wife to the point where he tells her he has "loved" her for years? Keeps popping by when he knows she's alone in the house? Starts blubbing on about how shit his marriage is to this woman who is 20 years younger than him? Then goes home to give her "time to think"?

I fully stand behind "creepy".

And love? Of course he doesn't love her! He's just got a bloody crush on her which he's been nurturing for years instead of attending to his marriage.

At this level of delusional thinking, he needs to know that OP and her H are a united front. That's why she needs to tell DH, and why both of them together should tell Uncle to buzz off.

I really dislike how women are brought up to minimise and excuse shitty behaviour. This thread is full of it.

I agree with pocketsaviour and Weebirdie.

By not telling your DH, Uncle Inappropriate and you have a nasty little secret.
Which will bite you on the arse unless you talk to your husband.

If OP were a man whose wife's aunt had told him she loved him, I would say the same thing.