DP's Uncle told me he loves me what should I do?

[meredieu]

I am am still reeling over what has happened this morning , I am shocked and don't know where to go with this to tell my Husband or just pretend it never happened. This morning DP's Uncle told me he is in love with me, he say he doesn't expect anything to happen between us but that he had to tell me how he felt, that he had never loved his wife but married her when she became pregnant and that he has had strong feelings for me for years.

I am in my late 30's and he is 53. I have been with my Husband for 19 years and earlier this year we moved into a house a street down from his uncles house. He is a lecturer and so is off during the summer and has been dropping by while out walking his dog. I work from home and didn't mind him popping in but I did think it a bit odd as I always felt he did not like me very much.

I am totally in shock I can't even fully remember what was said I tried to tell him he was wrong in his feelings but when he persisted I asked him to leave which he eventually did to give me "time to think".

WTF do I do about this? Just pretend it has never happened or should I speak to my Husband about it?

If my aunt told my DH she loved him I would want to know, because if that happened my DH would be incredibly uncomfortable every time I expected him to be in her company, and I wouldn't want him to go through that for the sake of keeping the peace.

Gobblers and Optimist have the right of it.

He may well be creepy, socially inadequate, sad and a lot of other, uncomfortable and odd things too. But predatory and dangerous??? Too much of a leap from what OP has posted.

Talk to him, on the doorstep, don't let him in. Leave him in no doubt that his feelings are not reciprocated and that there will be repercussions if he persists with his actions. Use Gobblers and Optimists posts as your guide.

Most of all, set aside you feelings of shame and guilt. You have done nothing and he has taken you by surprise. Pull on your Big Girl Knickers, set your face to Stern, and tell him plainly, no apologies, avoid "I am sorry but..." like the plague. But tell him, ASAP, to back off, re-evaluate and had him Optimist's letter.

I would also say you can not continue to give the uncle time to work it out for himself if he repeats his actions. Twice = tell you DH and get him to deal with it. And the uncle's wife may well need to hear of it, but she is not your immediate concern - you are.

Good luck. I hope you can see this for what it really is... a sad man lobbing a hand grenade in your direction. Just pick it up and lob it back! No real biggy as long as you deal with it and are prepared to tell your DH if his uncle persists.

I don't think it's minimising and excusing bad behaviour for the OP to deal with it herself. As a woman I feel more than capable of telling a man that his crush is inappropriate and that he has crossed a line, but if the OP wants to tell her husband she should and she owes this uncle nothing so if there a major fall out then she has nothing to feel bad about.

Thank you all for your replies, I can see both sides of what you are saying here my own tendency is to try and brush it off as a crush and hope he gets the message. I agree that if this came out into the open it could do terrible damage to the family, the family not me especially but the rest of them are very devout Catholic and it would be a scandel.

On the other hand I do also see that if I say nothing he might take it as encouragement. I don't feel worried about him doing anything to me physcially I don't believe he is capable of that.

I don't know about being a predator, but the uncle certainly sounds creepy to me. An older man comes to your home uninvited when he knows you will be alone and makes unwanted advances towards you. If that is not creepy, what is?

I agree with pp, don't keep his secret for him. You have done nothing wrong. He has.

I am with Optimist1 and tbtc. I would give him the benefit of the doubt on one accasion (a temporary abberation so to speak), but clearly spell it out that any reoccurence and you will tell you DH.

GobblersKnob I am with you. Whilst inappropriate is this something a whole family needs to know? He is either a serial lecher in which case his wife prob knows and won't thank you for blowing it wide. Or he is having a late and very inappropriate mid life crisis crush. Call him tell him he took you off guard but his feelings are in no way reciprocated are never to be expressed again or you will have to tell dp and if he does persist do so but I personally wouldn't cause chaos for a possibly unhappy man mistaking friendship for soulmates

By not telling your DH, Uncle Inappropriate and you have a nasty little secret.

But if you tell DH, then either three people are in on the 'nasty little secret' or else it all comes out in the open and fractures family relationships. Either way not good.

If it were me I would write a letter to the uncle, make a copy of it, then write a letter to your DH exposing exactly what happened but only give the letter to your DH in the event he finds out.

Why do people feel the need to cover up other peoples bad behaviour? This man is using the fact that OP probably won't want to rock the boat to get away with bad behaviour.

If the family is fractured by his actions, he is the only one to blame.

Yes, 'cos it's always the woman's fault if a man is bugging her, isn't it. She probably asked for it, the harlot - walking around in the same road as him

The trouble is that if the Uncle did get in first with his wife and the rest of the family they would probably far rather believe that version of the events than the truth of him being a predatory creep/sad mid life crisis cliché *delete as appropriate.

I agree with writing something to him however I wouldnt mention that it could cause problems within the family as that could imply (to the disordered mind of someone like this) that you would if you could but the family repercussions are stopping you.

"I do not reciprocate your feelings for me, I do not wish to enter into any form of relationship with you other than as the wife of your nephew. Your declaration of love made me feel very uncomfortable and I do not expect to hear such things from you again. I am sorry that you are unhappy in your marriage but that has nothing to do with me, and again I do not want you to attempt to discuss it with me.

If you attempt to continue to contact me about this then I will have no choice but to make it known within the family as I will not tolerate this intrustion into my life and my marriage"

Oh do piss off with your nasty misogynist jibes shuttlecocker

I do hope you are being sarcastic shuttlecocker.

Jesus shuttlecocker, do you hate all women or just the OP?

Ive reported the post because Ive already sworn enough today.

Always good time to post a link to our Rape Myths

Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody hell shuttlecocker.

You should definitely tell your DH. It's not fair that you end up with a secret to keep/hide. If this came out later down the line, I should imagine your DH would be upset if he found out at a later date and that you'd kept it from him.
The uncle must have considered the fall out from this when he told you. It isn't up to you to keep his secret. You and DH should decide how to proceed together.

Being friendly to a family member is totally normal. Women should not have to wear sackcloth and ashes and avert our eyes to prevent tempting the menfolk you know. This man has basically told her he's entitled to her affections, put her in a terrible position viz. her husband, made her feel vulnerable and afraid. Not ok, just not ok.

I'm reminded of something golda Meier once said - there'd been a spate of rapes in Israel and conservatives were calling for a curfew for women 'to keep them safe.' She pointed out that it was the men who needed the curfew - it wasn't the women at fault.

This will come back and bite you if you're not open with your dh. But phrase it well.

" sit down, the weirdest thing happened today. I want to talk to you about it because it's made me a bit angry and a very unhappy. Uncle came by today and told me he loved me, can you imagine that!? I was just floored. I'm so annoyed that he put me in this position, he had no right to do that, I don't know what he's thinking. He says he "doesn't expect anything but wants to give me time to think."
That made me really annoyed, because he's just dumped this on me - now I've had to have this conversation with you, and now we have to think about how best to handle this together. Poor aunt! I need you to not get angry at him (note him, not you, you DO NOT APOLOGISE for any of this, don't let it be turned back on you) but I need your support here, and I need you to be calm and support me."

If he starts any kind of " what did you say to lead him on" shit you need to cut him off very quickly and say something like

"I'm sad you'd think that. He's a family member, im as friendly to him as any other family member. He had no right to do this to me. This comes from him, not me. I'm angry and upset about it, as I have every right to be. I can see why women get so upset at things like cat calling etc, you're just minding your own business and some guy thinks he's entitled to your body. That's not ok, is it?"

Good luck op. Awful situation but absolutely not your fault.

I'd take the drama away if it was me.
So your dh silly uncle thinks he's in love with you, play it down like the mid life crisis it possibly is.
This is how I'd tell my dh and also that my dh would know I'd have no intention on acting on it. He is no threat to your dh you could just reiterate this. tell him you certainly haven't encouraged this and that as he is just being silly you'd just like to ignore it rather than causing a family rift.
But this is me and how I would tell dh, you know your dh better than us.

And frankly, sod if it causes problems in the family. Right now you're seeing this as your problem and really it's not. Your uncle has done something horribly inappropriate. His problem, caused by him.

I'd be furious. I wouldn't be spreading it round the family but I'd be making sure both uncle and husband knew I was utterly furious at uncle, that he had no right to do that at all, and that I didn't want to see or speak to him for a long time. Don't let this become anyone's dirty little secret, get it out in the open and make sure they know you're not anyone's passive little crush object. Slam those boundaries down and anyone who suggests you were bringing this on (with your chuffing uncle for gods sake) needs putting firmly in their place. Women are not objects to be pawed over, and nor should we have to moderate or change perfectly normal behaviour in case some random chap decides we are leading them on.

Gosh this has made me angry!

I would NOT be comfortable keeping a secret like that from my DH. Frankly, I also have a horrible feeling that this could come out in a really, really bad way down the line. It's always going to be better coming from you.

The man is a predator and I bet he's whispered the same sweet nothings in the ear of some of his students.

Projecting much?

your DH would be upset if he found out at a later date and that you'd kept it from him.

Not if she is only keeping it from him because she is able to deal with it herself and is reasonable enough to not want to shatter the lives of quite a few other people.

If her DH trusts and respects her then I don't see why he should have any problem at all with the OP dealing with it herself.