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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I call him/get in touch?

50 replies

JessicasCat · 04/07/2015 14:35

Been lurking on the limerence thread and have a big crush issue.

I had a casual relationship that was on/off with a guy I really liked. I think he was just using me for sex but we seemed to get on v. well and he told me that he liked me a lot. I decided to back off because he'd done a couple of bad things that had hurt me. I was really emotionally involved and so avoided him and just stopped returning his calls.

This was all about a year + a couple of months ago. He has called me inthat time but I've just avoided him.

I'm really obsessed with him and recently have been thinking about him a ton.

A gf told me she thought the problem was that it ended because he hurt me and not because I got fed up with him, or he got bored with me etc. So that this has made it harder for me to process - because it always felt that it was "unclosed".

I was thinking about this and was wondering whether I should get in touch with him. This would be on the basis of "what the hell. I think about him all the time anyway, so I may as well get the benefit of seeing him/having sex with him".

A major downside is that - because I ignored his calls before - he may very well choose to ignore any contact from me to "teach me a lesson". That would be a real risk and I'd find that upsetting I'm sure.

But fact is if I'm not over him by now, what do I really have to lose? I'm not interested in any one else. I kind of think f8ck it, have a go.

I definitely think that if he had ended it/dumped me I'd have found it much easier to move on. Like on the limerence thread, the open endedness of it, his repeatingly calling me meant it all still felt possible.

OP posts:

brokenhearted55a · 04/07/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JessicasCat · 04/07/2015 22:32

Is it because it's summer and you are remembering this time last year? Summer brings out a care free vibe, sun, endless evenings etc and perhaps you are missing the vibe not the person?

Kua - could well be this. This is going to sound really really dumb but I've been watching that Love Island reality show and although there are some prize dick heads on that show, it made me miss the "date" type stuff. You know someone holding your hand, stroking your hair etc. I don't think I'll ever have that again. it could be a summer vibe panic thing.

brokenhearted - I read your post. I've read them all - just because I haven't individually named everyone in a reply doesn't mean I'm ignoring them.

Honestly, I know in my head that it's real stoopid to thing of getting in touch with him. But my heart or emotional bits are saying I miss him so much I should just do it.

Bogey, napoleon - I know, I know, I know. But still... :(

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 04/07/2015 23:00

Well it sounds like you are going to do it. It's really, really stupid. But it's your life. The analogy with basejumping doesn't work because you aren't dying of this. You just aren't allowing yourself to heal.

brokenhearted55a · 04/07/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kua · 04/07/2015 23:50

Thought as much, the sun/ heat , couples holding hands along beaches adverts and even watching "Love Island" can make make you feel you are missing out on "something".

Perhaps you are, don't we all want to be romanced as you've mentioned. I certainly do!

However, I would say, keep in mind what you said above. That is what you are looking for, so don't put someone else in the way of it attaining it.

Be available to chance and happiness.

Lovingfreedom · 05/07/2015 00:07

Sign onto online dating today you can probably find someone to hold your hand and stuff by the weekend...they might turn out to be a dickhead but at least there is hope...you KNOW this guy is one

MadeMan · 05/07/2015 00:09

The last thing I want in this current heat is to be snuggled up to someone stroking their hair; it's far too hot for all that.

SelfLoathing · 05/07/2015 00:17

The last thing I want in this current heat is to be snuggled up to someone stroking their hair; it's far too hot for all that.

LOL @ MadeMan.

A holiday, air con and a swimming pool may change your mind.

MadeMan · 05/07/2015 00:26

"A holiday, air con and a swimming pool may change your mind."

Okay then, if everyone in this thread agrees to chip in and pay my share, I will stroke everyone's hair in the pool when we get there.

SelfLoathing · 05/07/2015 00:30

No one wants paid for insincere hair stroking Mademan!!! We can all get that at the hairdressers and probably in an air conditioned environment too.

kua · 05/07/2015 00:35

Made totally innapropriate! Shame on you.

MadeMan · 05/07/2015 00:37

That's true, the last time I went to the hairdressers the woman made me a nice cup of tea as well.

kua · 05/07/2015 00:38

Ah you are going all our tonight..

kua · 05/07/2015 00:39

^out

kua · 05/07/2015 00:57

jessica, ignore Mademan, I think he got this confused with the dating thread..

Bucketandshpade · 05/07/2015 11:07

I doubt it IS the same bloke but I recognise a type. Does he have 2 kids, girl then boy, both surprisingly blonde?

newstart15 · 05/07/2015 11:37

When we are hooked on someone its often because we are missing how they made us feel.Can you say what that is? Learning that will help you target the right man in your life.If fell hard for someone who on reflection was a player.I wasted those years as I actually met my DH during that time but overlooked him as I was so hooked on the ex.I did eventually break free, practiced and fought through NC.I agreed within myself to date any suitable men who asked.I actuall had some good times with respectful men (but no spark) but eventually re met my DH.

I can look back at see that I was in a bad place and the ex reflected my emotional unhealthiness. When you get emotional healthy you may start to want him less.

laurierf · 05/07/2015 14:14

Your reasoning and thinking sound exactly like mine when I quit smoking. You know going back is unhealthy and very bad for you, but you're so miserable now, and that's hard and that's unhealthy, and you feel so distracted by it all and you can't concentrate on the rest of your life… so, well fuck it, you might as at least get some pleasure out of of being unhealthy… you can always quit again, right? And the likelihood is you won't like it as much this time around, so it'll much easier to quit again, right? WRONG. I would possibly suggest some counselling (don't mean major therapy or anything!) just to talk through with someone why you are feeling so hooked at this moment in your life, and work out some strategies to help you move on and be happy. Because I think this is about you. Not him.

maggiethemagpie · 06/07/2015 16:09

Dear god girl, I hope this doesn't come across too harsh( but maybe that's what's needed) - where's your self respect?

Shrivelleddate · 06/07/2015 20:50

Absolutely do not......limerance, it's an addiction only way to cure it is to keep moving forward.

God there should absolutely be a national register for these twats

Original poster

JessicasCat · 06/07/2015 22:29

Bucketandshade - no he has more than 2 children. Phew. Or maybe not phew. I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd say the same as you said.

I do feel sorry for the ex-gf from univerity who got back in touch with him - because at least I knew what was going on and he told me what he really thought of her and what was going on. I bet she though she was on a nice date with a nice charming single ex-bf who liked her. He was so nasty about her being desperate looking for a possible second marriage as hers was in trouble.

because we are missing how they made us feel.Can you say what that is

That's really interesting newstart. I think it could be that I am not good enough or that I have to try to make him like me. The effort of trying to win him round. how screwed up is that? It could be that when I was with him I felt very safe. He is/was a massively charasmatic huge personality. No one would ever say no to him.

Laurie - the smoking analogy is a good one and helpful.

Maggie - no you are right. my self respect is in the bin. I can't tell any more if it was always like that or whether he did it.

Shriveled - I'm sure he'd be in the top 10 of the national register as it's pretty clear there are other women he pulled the same stuff with.

Thanks for all your replies. I feel so down about it all and can't see anyway out. I guess Laurie's smoking analogy is the best. I feel so miserable having given up him/smoking and achieving a happy smoke free/him free life seems so unlikely -that it just seems like the best thing to do is to resign myself to it all and just get on with it. I can't see a future of ever being interested in another man. I can't even see it in a fantasy. It's just always him. And it's been such a long time. If I'd given up smoking, by now, you'd expect to be over the smoking and enjoying a smoke free life.

I haven't contacted him but still really want to. I'm hanging on by the bare tips of my finger nails. This is so shit to feel like this.

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 07/07/2015 09:39

You want to contact him because you think this time he will change and make you happy. You feel miserable and think he is the antidote.

He's not - he's just a different way to feel unhappy that might actually be worse than you feel now.
Move on - I suggest you start by finding a way to be happy by yourself. Once you are in a good place, you can start looking for new man from a really strong position.

NoImSpartacus · 07/07/2015 15:07

Where is your self respect, OP?

You said he used you. That's all you need to remember when you have crazy thoughts of getting in contact w him.

butterflygirl15 · 07/07/2015 15:30

He was horrid about another woman to you. You do realise he will have said awful things about you to other women since last year. And he hasn't thought about you, or posted online about or missed you once in all this time you have been obsessing over him.

Why you think this is all you deserve is beyond me. But heck, yep go ahead and call him. Let him use you again. Because that will help you get over him far quicker than what you are doing now won't it. Brilliant idea.

And he has more than 2 kids? Even better.

How old are you and why do you need a man in your future at all. Hook all your happiness and self worth onto losers like him, then quite frankly the rest of your life single finding your own self esteem is much more preferable don't you think?

LoisPuddingLane · 07/07/2015 20:14

Keep repeating to yourself "I deserve better". Out loud if necessary. I have to do this all the time to stop me doing stupid things. I deserve better. I want a relationship built on love, trust, honesty, and respect, with lots of good sex. That's what I tell myself. Try it.

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