Partner's Grown-Up Children Come First

[Blueskybluesky]

Have been with a lovely guy for two years (he's early 50s, I'm late 40s - both never married before), talking about marriage and getting a house together. He has two children in their 20s (I have no children and am happy with that) and he still has the family home - daughter has returned, son has moved out. I live in a flat in the same city. A number of situations are clearly telling me I am third in the pecking order. Are there any other women who are experiencing this? I have no children, but changed my whole life and moved city to be closer to my partner and put him first in my life. I understand the unique bond of a parent and child, though at the same time would like to feel that I might come first at some point. Any advice out there? Do I sit it out until we get our own place and hope it might change, or run for the hills now . . . Thanks for your help!

[layladomino]

As a straightforward answer to your concern ('I'm third in the pecking order'), I think it's crazy to expect that after 2 years you are going to be more important to someone than their own children.

His children will always be above you in the pecking order I would expect. Love for our children is unconditional and never-ending.

Of course that isn't the same as always putting them first, and as they grow children have to understand that other people's needs are just as important, and that their parents have a life beyond them.

So it's reasonable that your bf should sometimes put you first. And sometimes put his DD and DS first. Only you know if you can deal with that. If you want to be nr 1 in the pecking order, then you need to find someone who doesn't have children or someone who doesn't care about their children (but they will be a crappy person to date as well).

I am a parent of, and a step mum of, adult DC, and I can confirm that your love for your children doesn't somehow lessen when they become adults. In fact they often need you more than ever as they start to navigate adulthood and its responsibilities and problems. It's as important as ever that they know that their parent/s will be there for them no matter what.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Z o m b I e

[jimmyjammy001]

You don't sound like you have much life experience when it comes to relationships unfortunately, rule number one is other peoples children will allways be their first priority in the relationship and you second, I'd walk away now if you don't like it, they might go through a ruff patch at some point and you will have new house lodgers whether you like it or not, or giving them joint money if they are struggling, your get used to it even if you don't like it

[Hwlt333]

My partner has 2 daughters in there 20s and he still runs round after them. Playing taxi and doing house hold chores, giving them money in one case giving one of them 4,000 to pay off a car debt due to her relationship breakdown, when it was both her and boyfriends car. I’m slowly getting to the end of my tether with his generosity. They are grown adults and both working.

[disappear]

@Midwestgirl might be best to start a thread of your own. That way, you will get advice on your situation.

[PenelopePitstop69]

Yes slithy. Lots of people said it

[AgentJohnson]

Framing things as right or wrong isn’t helpful. It sounds like you resent his DD, do not approve of the support given to her by her parents and feel that now that you are on the scene the family dynamic should change.

You are allowed to feel the way you feel, I just don’t think your expectations are compatible with a family dynamic that you only you have a issue with.

Framing the current dynamic as a competition does not reflect well on you and your insinuations over the number of foto’s on display is just plain weird.

[DatingDinosaur]

This is a topic from 2015.

Is there a reason why you resurrected it PenelopePitstop69?

[Ladybug61]

Wondering if im overeacting been with my partner 6 years finally after making excuses is now starting divorce proceedings.

This lateness has resulted the date set in July might be compromised if there are any issues. Reluctantly set new date September 1st to ensure divorce will be finalised.

He has no problem with that date but cant go on Honeymoon because its his daughters birthday! (not a special one) she will be 24.

He told me I chose that date on purpose! His kids refuse to have anything to do with me. I was Totally unaware of the date.

Should I be having second thoughts 🤔

[Stefy4747]

I’m almost in the same situation, his daughter (my boyfriends) recently moved in with him after graduating college (she is 22) she has a boyfriend and sometimes he stays with her a few days on the week, but what bothers me is our lives now revolve around his daughter (what are we having for dinner, where are we going out, if I can stay over) he can’t make a decision about what we are having for dinner until she confirms if she likes that’s or not, (I find that so annoying) and the other day he was going away for a trip and she was aldo going somewhere and I was supposed to house sit well she changed her mind and told him she wanted to be by herself. And he just told me not to go cuz he didn’t want to upset her. I feel like I don’t matter. I’m the third wheel there.

[ItsADoggieDogWorld]

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 2015

[LemonyTicket]

Husband and I met when we had almost adult children.

For both of us, our kids come first. No one begrudges money being given to them, bedrooms being maintained for them and plans for holidays or special occasions being focused on them.

The kids are grown up but still get help when they need it and our house if full of pictures of them.

It's great. Stop trying to compete with his daughter. Adult or not, they will always be his kiss.