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Original poster

Partner's Grown-Up Children Come First

97 replies

Blueskybluesky · 04/07/2015 13:49

Have been with a lovely guy for two years (he's early 50s, I'm late 40s - both never married before), talking about marriage and getting a house together. He has two children in their 20s (I have no children and am happy with that) and he still has the family home - daughter has returned, son has moved out. I live in a flat in the same city. A number of situations are clearly telling me I am third in the pecking order. Are there any other women who are experiencing this? I have no children, but changed my whole life and moved city to be closer to my partner and put him first in my life. I understand the unique bond of a parent and child, though at the same time would like to feel that I might come first at some point. Any advice out there? Do I sit it out until we get our own place and hope it might change, or run for the hills now . . . Thanks for your help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueskybluesky · 04/07/2015 18:38

Thanks Vivacia. Hi Jen1610! Been in that house 5 years. Partner orders large print of the photos - still does, is ongoing. Son likes a little attention, doesn't get it as much. He was really flattered when he got 3 photos earlier this year! Kids are in their 20s.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/07/2015 18:42

Young girls are often posers these days Hmm

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2015 18:43

I think it's a good sign if a guy cares about his children. It's not like there's only so much love to go around. He shouldn't mess you about though.

Zebraface · 04/07/2015 19:18

Hi bluesky,
IMHO it comes down to how you are parented. My parents didn't/still don't have lots of photos ...nor do I,but love my DS no less.
I am in sort of similar situation,slightly younger dc for partner,also still in old family home & both are a deal breaker for me (although haven't even met his dc after 3 years....think his xw is control freak).
I agree new start,new house ...& I would be of the opinion that daughter should be standing on her own 2 feet now. Sounds like a complete daddy's girl & always will be. So I think you might have to ask yourself whether you can put up with it long term.
Sorry, I wouldn't.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2015 19:29

I wouldn't like this.

My children don't always come first.......in my house everyone's needs are deemed to be equally important.

It sounds to me like her parents bail her out and therefore she hasn't learned to stand on her own two feet. It's possible that your dp likes it this way, after all he does facilitate it.

Don't move in with the daughter. I think that would cause you great discomfort.

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2015 20:49

Hmm.

I think you feel threatened by her and you have raised the allegedly disproportionate number of photos of her about three times.

I think that what you see is the status quo. Don't try and change it. Children don't stop needing their parents once they hit 18.

i think you have to decide if this is what you want, because if its bugging you now, its going to REALLY bug you a few years down the line.

springydaffs · 04/07/2015 20:55

No, I really don't think the relationships between him and his adult children sound right. There's parenting your kids appropriately and there's worshipping your kids - the latter doesn't make 'a great dad'.

It doesn't sound healthy, blue, and I sadly can't see this dynamic changing any time soon. If ever Sad

springydaffs · 04/07/2015 20:58

MN acronyms on here somewhere... though can't see them on my tablet (as I've become thread monitor Wink )

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 20:59

I think you don't understand because you don't have kids. When they arrive as babies, they become top priority. They really need their parents as teens and often in their twenties too. The bond is huge.

saltnpepa · 04/07/2015 21:02

My kids come before anyone else, even before myself, I think perhaps because you haven't had children you might not get that.

TopOfTheCliff · 04/07/2015 21:11

Hi Blue
I don't think there is just one right way to parent adult DC.
Some of us are detached hands off "Launch and watch them go!" while others are still helicoptering and fussing and subsidising and providing lifts and expecting to spend time every weekend with the DC. Neither is wrong although you can guess I am of the former type!
It is just a matter of how you feel about the relationship you are in. Does your DP have enough time to spend with you to meet your needs? Does he have enough money left over after supporting his DC? Does this work for you? He is unlikely to change so if it isn't working for you a major rethink is needed.

When I met my DP he was living with three generations of his family for assorted reasons. That could have been a deal breaker. Four years on we have our own house with just one of our DC coming and going and 5 others living elsewhere! But both of us would drop everything if one of our DC needed us - I have help two of mine move house this week - and we both understand that.

springydaffs · 04/07/2015 21:13

But op is someone's daughter, has friends who are adult children, probably has friends who have adult children.

Your instinct is right imo blue. If my adult children have a genuine crisis there is nowhere on the planet I want to be but with them. However, it's important to (ultimately) keep back rather than forward - they have to learn to be adults. What is appropriate when they are 15 is NOT appropriate when they are 25. The bond is huge - for EVER - but they need to learn to fly; and constantly crouching over them just isn't healthy.

As for the endless photos of his daughter (and not his son) - creepy and inappropriate imo.

gabyjane · 04/07/2015 21:20

Hi didn't want to read and run. I kind of feel like I could have written parts myself.

How is he to talk to about things? Does he talk to you in general about his daughter or not..apologies if I missed a bit but thought you'd put you don't get on. Photos I'm not sure on, there can be a few reasons, my sister will say there aren't many pics of her when she was younger but lots of me & siblings?!

Do you have any plans in place re moving in together, him selling his house..

99redbaboons · 04/07/2015 21:31

I wouldn't worry too much about the photos tbh. And as a pp said, the son may just be camera shy so dad has filled the frames with daughter instead! Sounds to me like he is maybe overcompensating for their mother leaving them in terms of how he might be "putting them first" at every turn.

Not saying in the slightest that parents don't/shouldn't put their children first! Even thought they are now adults he doesn't want them to think he too has left them?

That said, as a parent myself, the emotional room you have for your partner does not overlap or overwrite the emotional room you have for your children ifyswim? So there is plenty of love for everyone, but he feels the need to be more demonstrative sometimes with the kids to show they still have their place.

I think you should continue as you have been in developing a relationship with the son and daughter as well as your guy. I also think the right move would be the new home together at some stage as I think you may be spot on with the re-decorating thing (but you never know - that's a conversation for another day).

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2015 21:45

Turn this around for a moment.

Imagine you are a woman with two grown up children and a new man in your life feels threatened by your closeness to your children and thinks you have too many pictures of one of them in your bedroom and refuses to sleep with you in that room because of it?

If I was in your partner's position, I would feel very uncomfortable. I also don't like how many times you've mentioned all the photos of his daughter as if its "not right"

springydaffs · 04/07/2015 21:56

If I had endless photos of my son in my bedroom - and none of my daughter - I would expect potential partners to be creeped out and not want to sleep in the shrine there. Even if all we did in there was sleep.

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 22:05

There's probably a really straight forward explanation for the lack of sons photos.

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 22:05

Have you asked him why tree are less photos of his son

wannabestressfree · 04/07/2015 22:12

Hi
I had a similar problem and to some extent to. I have been with my partner five years and he has three children and their mother left them ten years ago- I wonder if this makes them 'worse'?
We live one town apart (about 15 mins away) and see each other every weekend but even though his children are adults 30, 22 and 19 he still cooks them dinner every day and tends to their needs. He is rigid in this schedule even to the point that he has been away 10 days on a trip and yet is going to his home first to see them and cook them tea even though he professes he 'wants' to come here and see me.
I don't know the answer. He gets better every year with refiguring boundaries eg when I first met him and for the first 18 months there were pictures of their family unit still up but he was horribly depressed and I slowly got them moved.
I feel terrible making an issue over things as I know he overcompensates but sometimes the fact he still runs around and drops everything switches me off to him and I have been really tolerant.
I don't know the answer. But I do understand your plight.

slithytove · 04/07/2015 22:17

It's hard because you don't have kids...

But I would say that me and my siblings still are my mums top priority, and if I was forced to decide, I would say that my children take priority over my husband, their father.

I also have photos everywhere as I like photos and love my children, and that won't change when they have left home. Maybe there are less of the son as he doesn't like posing for pictures? I currently have 12 photos in my bedroom. One of my eldest and 5/6 of the other 2 respectively.

How old is the daughter? She sounds a bit immature and still trying to find her way in life. Pre 25 poeple can be full adult and very mature, or like overgrown teens. Neither are right or wrong.

Hairylegs007 · 04/07/2015 22:18

My children also take priority over my husband. I love them all dearly

morethanpotatoprints · 04/07/2015 22:28

My children don't take priority over anyone, nor should they.
i love them to bits and when there are reasons for them to come first they do, otherwise we are all equal in the family. I'm surprised that so many people put their dc first all the time at the expense of their partner. no wonder there are so many divorces Grin

slithytove · 04/07/2015 22:49

Has anyone said that potato? That it is at the expense of their partner?

Just because my kids are at the top of my priority list doesn't mean it's at anyone expense. Luckily, they are the top of his priority list too, so our little family works well.

Unless I've missed something, op hasn't illustrated that her partner putting his kids first means that it's at her expense. It just sounds like he is a good supportive dad, maybe used to trying to perform the role of 2 parents.

slithytove · 04/07/2015 22:51

I suspect age and stage of life also makes a difference. If someone's child hasn't found their way in life yet, they may be in more need of help and being prioritised as it were.

I find that my mum often prioritises my siblings over me as they have less time to see her and at the same time need more help from her. Doesn't mean I feel less loved or that they matter more, they just NEED her more.

Could that be the case here op?

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2015 23:41

If he doesn't see his son as often that's why there are fewer photos, not because of a preference or because its creepy. It may also be that his daughter gives him the photos ("Here you are Dad, here's a nice one of me") and his son doesn't do that.

I really dislike that people think its creepy. It's a horrible insinuation. Imagine how insulted he would be.