Partner's Grown-Up Children Come First

[Blueskybluesky]

Have been with a lovely guy for two years (he's early 50s, I'm late 40s - both never married before), talking about marriage and getting a house together. He has two children in their 20s (I have no children and am happy with that) and he still has the family home - daughter has returned, son has moved out. I live in a flat in the same city. A number of situations are clearly telling me I am third in the pecking order. Are there any other women who are experiencing this? I have no children, but changed my whole life and moved city to be closer to my partner and put him first in my life. I understand the unique bond of a parent and child, though at the same time would like to feel that I might come first at some point. Any advice out there? Do I sit it out until we get our own place and hope it might change, or run for the hills now . . . Thanks for your help!

OP, think very carefully about this relationship. It wont change. Some families manage the "blending" thing, some dont, and in my (bitter, long) experience once its gone one way it doesnt go the other. :( YMMV of course.

Also I know I have a million photos of my first born and only half that number of my second. I hardly had time to even hold a camera when number two arrived

This priority business is not doing our children any favours at all!

Our children are the most important people in the world to us, and sometimes their needs come ahead of ours, but it's essential that we put our own needs first sometimes, ahead of theirs, of our partners and our family.

You can't expect anyone ever to make you their priority if you don't make yourself your own priority from time to time.

To add to the mix

You could find a new partner who has no children....

Is the daughter the younger of the children? Was she particularly affected by the divorce or particularly vulnerable because of it?

Hello Bluesky, I have signed up to Mumsnet specifically to write a note having read your post. I looked on Mumsnet to see if anyone had any similar experiences to me, - a Dad wrapped around finger of a DD (who can do no wrong!), and have to say I can relate to your posts.

I do not think you are over dramatising this, and have to say that although I have a teenager myself, my partner has a relationship with his elder daughter that I can't really relate to. Yes, as parents we put our children first, but his behaviour does not sound as though he's got things in proportion.

it sounds as though they have a very co-dependent relationship and she has been afforded status and power that she should not have as a child (even though she's no longer a child in age). I would be very interested to know if you did ever have a conversation and how that went, as from what you say he sounds as though he'd be happiest off living with the daughter.

Suggest you read "Other Peoples Children" by Joanna Trollope.

There is a line which some Dads seem to allow their children to cross and unless you are a step-parent who experiences it, it can be hard for people to understand just how wrong it all feels. I wish you good luck.

I am hoping my situation changes when his DD goes to University. If it does not I will be having the conversation i'd probably rather not have.

It sounds like your DP is trying to compensate his daughter for being left by her mother.

I agree with others - the love thing is not linear - no one gets in line for love - there is plenty to go round - and that is very different to enabling a demanding child/adult.

You can possibly expect the photos to mushroom when you move in together without her....

I think that the answer here should not be he is right or wrong or you are right or wrong - but it looks like you both need to evolve and give a little - there will be no big over night rule changes - but you should be looking to chip away over time until the situation is more tolerable for you.

I would not be holding my breadth for big events - moving in together, her moving somewhere else etc as the solution without conscious intervention to change as she is likely to get even more needy as her life gets more complicated (job, house, partner, children) .... you DP might be on call for ever - I see this with people who have children in their 30s & 40s she needs to be encouraged and supported to be more independent - by him.

I would not be excited about a future with a man who was pretty much married to his adult daughter.

He has failed to equip her to live independently as an adult, so this situation of subsidising her life is not going to end.

I have children, and I don't understand why a single adult man with adult children can't have a primary relationship with a woman.

The photo thing sounds bizarre and creepy to me too (and incredibly tacky).

A father having photos of his children is 'tacky?' Did I read that right??

No, you didn't read it right.

There's a difference between "having" photos of his "children" and living in a home plastered in photos of his daughter.

But yeah, as a general rule homes decorated mostly with large photographs of the inhabitants are super tacky.

Righto. Anyway, I think the inference is that if he levelled the photos up with photos his son that would be more acceptable (whether son could give a s*it or not). So its basically jealousy a woman v woman situation isn't it. Lets call a spade a spade.

So its basically jealousy a woman v woman situation isn't it. Lets call a spade a spade.

Or, more accurately, let's call all women bitches on the basis of nothing but our own prejudice.

Oh I've jut had this too! Just split this week, with a man who in many ways is wonderful. But whose relationship with his 10yo daughter is just devoid of the normal healthy parent/child boundary. We had a lovely relationship for just over a year. He kept falling apart emotionally, however, when she would say normal 10yr old things to him (which parents who are securely attached to their dc would simply ignore) which would then constantly trigger painful guilt-ridden emotions over his divorce and abandonment from his dd and the unfairness of the situation (his ex kept the lovely family home and he can't forgive himself, somehow, for not parenting her there anymore). They spoke every day without fail, which I initially thought was lovely, but in the end seemed quite needy on his part. He would grieve for the separation from her even for 48hrs (he has her 50% of the time) with actual tears. He wants her to have 'happy memories' to take from every contact weekend . And even when their weekends were full if activities/playdates and shopping trips, he still thought he should be doing better.

He is like the parent who can do no wrong, except he is producing an anxious, non resilient child with a weirdly adult-adult relationship dynamic. Eventually it was a dealbreaker. I have extremely strong feelings for the man and will never forget him. But I know when a problem is deeply ingrained and never going to change. There was a fair amount of divorce baggage there, but the issue with the dd was the insurmountable one.

It's a sad situation but some issues are bigger than we are. I've had my own divorce to contend with and couldn't take that on, too. Very sad.

Should add I do have my own kids (who I'm delighted to hand over for contact EOW and don't feel the need to contact when they go off for weekend or on hol) so I'm not just a completely cold hearted, bitter step mum!

Nor am I jealous of the dd before anyone insinuates that!

I'm seeing this from the other end of the scale. My mother passed away late last year and father started seeing a new woman within weeks. She quickly tried to assert her status in my fathers life and caused trouble between my father and I as she didn't like how close we were. She told my father to stop speaking to me.

My father being the weak man he is kow towed to her tears and tantrums so when I stood up to the situation my father and I argued as he would not see my side of things and he told me that unless I accepted that she came first in his life then he wanted no more to do with me. I'm 42 years old with 2 teenage children and he's happy been happy to have no more to do with me since June. He's ignored my request to sort things out preferring to give my contact details to his fancy woman to contact me and demand I come down to sort things out. I declined as its him I want to sort things out with, not her, I don't want anything to do with someone who can bring so much trouble into the family.

It sounds like you and I are at complete opposite ends of the scale. I hope you manage to find some middle ground. I never wanted my dad to be lonely and I was happy he had company and companionship but I would never have thought he would do this. It's been devastating.

timeou that's awful, what an awful thing to happen.

Hi Blue Sky just wondering what happened as I am in a similar situation myself

Hi OP.

Its really tricky I think. I was in a situation where I was the daughter (though not as dependant on my father as the daughter in your post I don't think!)

My mother left when I was about 15 (still in contact) and I stayed with my Dad in the family home. It was a horrible horrible time for us both and we were extremely close because of it.

He got a girlfriend about 2 years later who treated me awfully. I was made to feel like I had to ask permission to spend time with my Dad. She'd be angry if I was there having dinner with him and he hadn't told her I was going round (whilst she was at her home). Honestly it was bizarre, she treated me like I was some form of other woman.

I wasn't allowed to walk from the shower to my bedroom in my nighty 'because I was a woman and it's not right walking in front of a man like that'. He's my Dad!!! Bleugh.

The photos thing was also an issue. He didn't have them all over the house like your DP but he did have a collage in the living room of special moments i.e. my first baby photo, prom photos, 18th birthday etc... She told him it was 'like a shrine' to me and to take them down.

I could never mention my mum. Ever. It was like WW3 for my Dad if I did. And I'm not talking about me sitting and reminiscing about times as a family I'm talking about literally saying 'I went shopping with mum' when asked what I'd done that day.

In the end he finished things with her because of it. She made him feel like he had to choose between us and it tormented him so much.

Now I'm not saying you are anything like that but I would say to pick your battles. Your DP clearly loves his children and that isn't a bad thing. There will be things that get under your skin but please don't make your partner feel guilty for being close to his children.

There are obviously things in your OP which would annoy most people though i.e. constantly financially bailing them out. But honestly, it's his money. If that's what he wants to do then it's what he'll do I suppose. It's different if the finances are joint.

OP, I doubt if your partners daughter wants to live with her dad as it appears she has left several times,
She doesn't sound very resilient emotionally really and this could be down to many factors.
I have 4 adult sons, 2 have left home and two who still reside with me and DH.
The older two in the past have yo-yo'd back at various times in emergency situations but they were shortish stays and I could tell that wanted to go so they could retain their independance.
If she is being financiallly "propped up" by her patents perhaps it would be better for her parents to pay her rent somewhere (away from Dad)

Run. You will never be first in his life because his grown children and grand children will always come first with him including declining date night with you because the grandchild has a soccer game and he never makes it up to you and that u can’t go eat at an adults only restaurant because the grandkids won’t eat the food there ! It always revolves around them. I felt like a fifth wheel up there and begun to resent it because it was him who wanted me to leave my job in Columbia and move up to Nashville! This why childless females should never date divorced men with children !

Truth

Hello, I am going through a similar situation. I have two grown Sons from a previous marriage and he has two Daughters, all of them grown. My Sons are on their own and do not interfere with our relationship. His two Daughters are on their own as well. The youngest Daughter has always been a sweetheart to me and very excepting if me. The older Daughter treats me with disrespect. At times she will be pleasant to me but doesn't feel sincere or heartfelt to me. She has been needy at times of her Dad's affections, wanting to have time alone with him without me around. We have been living together 5 years now and nothing has changed. He told me twice now that his Daughters will always be first before me, and that hurts me. I also left a nice home, uprooted and moved to another state to be with him. We had known eachother for many years before our relationship began, but now I feel like I don't know him at all. She once told her Dad that I am not her Mother and she doesn't want advice from me. I once gave her some friendly advice when she was getting a new, first time puppy. A breed that I once had and knew could be a handful. My advice upset her and she complained to her Mom and Dad that I had no right to give her advice. Her Mother actually told her she felt I meant no harm and was just trying to help. Her Dad only told me to not give her advice anymore. He pretty much told me not to say anything to her anymore. He seems to tiptoe around her feelings and never takes my feelings into account. He also has many photos of her around our house. She gives him framed photos of the two of them every, Christmas, Birthday and Fathers Day. When we got engaged 3 years ago, and shortly after our engagement her Mom was in town visiting and this Dauggter asked to have dinner with her parents. She asked that I not come. The dinner plans never happened for one, because he had no interest in having dinner with his now ex wife, and I expressed my feelings about it. This Daughter is 27 years old but I feel like I'm dealing with a child. She has her Dad wrapped around her finger. I most definitely feel like a 5th wheel when it concerns her. As I mentioned we have been engaged 3 years now but have not set a date. His Mother has asked several times when we are getting married but we never seem to have that answer for her. I have thought many times about leaving because I feel our situation is not healthy. He refuses to talk with his Daughter about her feelings towards me. His younger Daughter once said after a situation with his oldest Daughter "I love my Dad dearly, but he doesn't have your back!" She said she would never be with someone who doesn't have her back. I feel I should leave but at 59 years old, I have no place to go. At my age I certainly don't want to impose on a sibling or my Sons who have full busy lives. My oldest is married with kids and my youngest Son is living on his own and still putting himself through college. Rent today is so expensive. But I know I need to figure something out because after 5 years in this relationship I am sad to say i don't think the wedding date will ever get set. I am emotionally exhausted. I'm curious to know what is going on today with you Blueskybluesky. You first wrote in 2015 and it is now 2021. I think it was smart of you to have your own place. I should've done the same because I now feel dependent on this man whom I love but obviously does not put me first nor at the same level of importance to his kids. Thank you all for listening.

6 year old thread. hope it all worked out.

Jesus - I only realised halfway through it was 6 years old. There should be a warning at the top of the page for threads that have been resurrected like this! Now I need to know the outcome of the OP.