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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone called off a wedding and ended the relationship?

79 replies

Marilynz · 01/07/2015 06:05

Supposed to be getting married in May. It's all booked - guests have started booking and paying for accommodation, plans are being put in place ...

But I'm starting to realise that the fucker hates me and intends to make my life a misery with constant complaints, emotional and verbal abuse, disrespect and general apathy towards my feelings. Funnily enough - all the stuff listed in his previous divorce papers.

I'm gutted because I thought he was someone different to who he really is but I'm falling out of love with him fast and any marriage would inevitably end it divorce.

If I call off the wedding, I will also be calling off the whole relationship at the same time. I know we shouldn't live to please others but my biggest concern is the devastation our families will feel. His family thinks the sun shines out of his arse and are all excited at the thought of him getting another chance at marriage after he was "so badly let down by the last one", my family will also side with him - because they're like that.

I feel like just disappearing.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 01/07/2015 06:08

Maybe you could record one of his outbursts, let your family listen to it and maybe they will change their minds about him.

littlejessie · 01/07/2015 06:09

Get out now while its still relatively simple. Why will your family side with him?

TealFanClub · 01/07/2015 06:11

Do it

Original poster
Marilynz · 01/07/2015 06:12

Long history of always seeing the worst in everything I do.

As a kid I got blamed for a lot of stuff I didn't do. As I got older they all continued to slag me off at every opportunity. When I started uni they all said I'd never make it. When I announced my wedding they all said it would never happen. But oh he's such a lovely man, what a shame.

OP posts:
Stubbed · 01/07/2015 06:12

May is ages away. Cancel it now. No one will care. I know a couple of people who have done it, no one thinks anything of it. Who cares what his family think? Surely your family will be more concerned about you?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 01/07/2015 06:12

Please end it now OP, I can't say it strongly enough. If you feel like this now and he's acting like this now then he'll never change and it will only get worse.

I know this from bitter experience. On the Sunday before my wedding, my ex physically attacked me. It wasn't badly (so I justified to too myself) but was a culmination of all his other bad behaviour. However, the wedding was only 4 days away and I was too embarrassed to call everything off so we got married. I had 5 years of hell and we ended up divorced. Listen to your instincts.

Panicmode1 · 01/07/2015 06:15

I haven't, but a friend of mine did - about 3 weeks before. She said it was the best thing she ever did - but obviously hard. I think it takes a huge amount of courage to do it, but far better now than when you are married, and you will be respected for having the courage to say no, even if there is a bit of heat for a little while.
Good luck.

Elllimam · 01/07/2015 06:26

End it. I just read your other post and he sounds horrible. If your family side with him let them and go NC.

Elllimam · 01/07/2015 06:26

Good luck xx

Didiusfalco · 01/07/2015 06:34

Its not your family who have to live with him though, and honestly calling it off now will be better than trying to sort out a divorce. Having seen your other thread you really need to do this.

DoreenLethal · 01/07/2015 06:37

Tell anyone who asks that they are welcome to have him.

He is a nasty man. Please get out now and do not marry him. Ever.

christinarossetti · 01/07/2015 06:42

Cancel it in your head today and then let people know, cancel any practical arrangments in the next few days.

Use the time and money that you had planned for the wedding to plan and set up a better life for you and your dc.

Get se legal advice re mortgage payments that you've made.

And take a deep breath of relief as you think of what you've saved yourself and dc from by getting out now.

AgathaHannigan · 01/07/2015 06:54

Do it. The relationship will never get better. The wedding will only get harder to cancel as the time gets nearer. It will only be harder to break up when you're married.

I felt like you and I was right, but I just kept going along with it, two kids later it's even harder to leave...

musicalendorphins2 · 01/07/2015 07:01

Your happiness and well being are what matter. I think you should do it as soon as possible, if you are concerned about guests convenience. Your family will survive as will his. You are just saving yourself a ton of grief and divorce costs. Good luck.

Cumbrae · 01/07/2015 07:03

I'm so sorry, this must be extremely hard for you.

Much easier and cheaper to break it off now rather than divorce later though.

The longer you leave it the harder it will get.

Ikeameatballs · 01/07/2015 07:07

I cancelled mine. Should have got married in August and I cancelled it in May. The relationship limped on until the following Feb, though mainly for very practical reasons, then I ended it. It was the best decision I've ever made.

gamerchick · 01/07/2015 07:13

Just start cancelling.. If people have to travel and pay to book places then it's best to do it sooner rather than later.

As for the families.. Have some phrases ready for them you can repeat over and over. They aren't the ones who have to live with the twat and put up with his crap.

messyisthenewtidy · 01/07/2015 07:14

I had the same doubts but I was too embarrassed to cancel and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I convinced myself it would be ok.

Of course it wasn't ok and ended in much more embarrassment and hurt a few years later. I could have saved myself that time.

AreYouSupposedToBeInIowa · 01/07/2015 07:14

Wow, no. Do not ever consider marrying him OP. Even if it were tomorrow just don't .....but it's next May. Ages away. Spend a day on the phone to everyone and get the message out and cancel everything. Imagine being married to him. He will escalate tenfold. If both families don't believe he is a turd now, they won't believe it then either but it will be far worse for you then than it is now! Sort it and be happy away from him. It's lovely that you are putting others feelings before your own but on this one thing - don't.

zzzzz · 01/07/2015 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annarose2014 · 01/07/2015 07:51

OP I'm really not sure what you want people to say. He's been a prick for years, he was a prick before Glastonbury and suprise suprise has continued to be a prick post-Glastonbury.

To be fair, you've had "LTB" countless times on here and all thats happened is that you continued stubbornly making wedding plans regardless of his contempt. I would be delighted if you finally ended the relationship but I think you just want to vent.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/07/2015 07:53

After your numerous threads the only answer is to cancel the wedding and LTB. But whether you will actually heed people's advice or not this time remains to be seen. I hope you do

frustratedashell · 01/07/2015 07:59

I cancelled my wedding a couple of years ago, 3 months before the day.

My main worry was the loss of money. Silly I know! Then after a few minutes I came to my senses and realised that's not a good reason to go through with it. I called it off and ended the relationship. It was amicable.
I moved out about 2 weeks later. It was the right decision. OP call it off , things are obviously not good. You can get through this

lifebeginsat42 · 01/07/2015 08:14

As hard as it is, you must call if off and end the relationship. You can't marry someone with such doubts and it would be much harder ending it further down the line once you have children.

It will be 'news' for a while and then people will accept it and move on. You can't live your life for fear of upsetting or unsettling other people. Your family may surprise you - be honest with them.

I wish you luck, but please do this.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2015 08:23

May? You've got nearly a year to sort this out, it's not like you're walking out at the altar like Private Benjamin. Nearly a year before you break up with this guy is far too long.

I realise it's a tough decision, especially given that you are used to having your every choice criticised by the people who are supposed to be on your side, whose job in life it should have been to give you confidence and teach you independence. That's why you keep coming back for validation here: the only place where you are told you have the right not to go through with this.

What is the point of not wanting to let your family down, when everything you ever do is regarded as not good enough anyway? Doesn't sound like they deserve to be pleased, and they won't be, even if you do marry the fucker. So please, put your own interests first for a change. If you do want to be considerate, and it does you credit that you do, bear in mind that the sooner you do it the easier it will be for everyone to make alternative plans.

You are not on a great roller-coaster ride that you can't get off. Every step down this path requires more actions, more decisions. You can choose to take a step in a different direction and spare yourself all the rest. One quick call round to everything you've booked, one quick note around to everyone you've invited, and it's done. Impending doom averted!

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