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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone called off a wedding and ended the relationship?

79 replies

Marilynz · 01/07/2015 06:05

Supposed to be getting married in May. It's all booked - guests have started booking and paying for accommodation, plans are being put in place ...

But I'm starting to realise that the fucker hates me and intends to make my life a misery with constant complaints, emotional and verbal abuse, disrespect and general apathy towards my feelings. Funnily enough - all the stuff listed in his previous divorce papers.

I'm gutted because I thought he was someone different to who he really is but I'm falling out of love with him fast and any marriage would inevitably end it divorce.

If I call off the wedding, I will also be calling off the whole relationship at the same time. I know we shouldn't live to please others but my biggest concern is the devastation our families will feel. His family thinks the sun shines out of his arse and are all excited at the thought of him getting another chance at marriage after he was "so badly let down by the last one", my family will also side with him - because they're like that.

I feel like just disappearing.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 01/07/2015 13:52

The sooner you cancel it the less of a big deal it will be.

Numtum · 01/07/2015 13:56

I didn't but should have. Left after a few months and honestly I wish I had never gone through with it. My family were amazingly supportive but he dug his heels in about the divorce and generally tried to make my life as complicated as possible afterwards. I had a newborn and felt very vulnerable anyway, he made it a lot more difficult.

My advice, get out. The people who support you are the ones you want in your life. The people who don't (excuse my language) fuck them, you don't need them.

Mitzimaybe · 01/07/2015 14:18

Cancel the wedding - this is plenty early enough, best to do it now. There is no way on earth that you should marry a man who treats you like this. It might not be the easiest thing you've ever done, but it's far easier than marrying him and living with the consequences. It sounds like you do a lot of things in an attempt to please other people. Do this one thing just for you.

Clutterbugsmum · 01/07/2015 14:42

My brother didn't call of his first wedding 'because it had been paid for' 6 months later her came home a found her in bed with someone else. It cost him a lot more to get divorced then it did to get married.

BreacaBoudica · 01/07/2015 14:49

I cancelled a wedding and ended the relationship 10 weeks before the wedding when he told me he was now certain he didn't want children. No abuse, no infidelity, just a fundamental incompatability ona major issue. It was ok.

Mitzimaybe · 01/07/2015 16:46

Let me change something in my previous post - "this is plenty early enough". In fact, even if the wedding were tomorrow, you should still cancel it. I just meant that this far ahead, it won't do anything more than mildly inconvenience people, so you don't even need to worry about it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/07/2015 17:04

I have had a look at some of your other threads, and I honestly believe you should call the wedding off.

You deserve so much better than this man. And your son deserves better too.

Yes, it will be difficult and painful in the short term, but that is not a good enough reason to marry this man.

And if your family give you a hard time, just say, "I am doing what is right for me. If you can't support me, please leave me alone."

Janette123 · 01/07/2015 17:06

marilynz,

"But I'm starting to realise that the fucker hates me and intends to make my life a misery with constant complaints, emotional and verbal abuse, disrespect and general apathy towards my feelings. Funnily enough - all the stuff listed in his previous divorce papers. "

Sadly, people don't change and you have finally seen him for what he really is.
Please do not marry this abusive, whining, entitled POS.
Cancel the wedding and get as far away from him as you can.

I'm sorry x

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2015 17:10

Marilyn, there isn't one of us here who will say you should marry him. It sounds like your family is as abusive as he is; I would dump the lot of them at the same time.

Have you finished your degree now? Have you children with or without this tosser?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/07/2015 18:22

Skip the divorce: don't get married in the first place.

tattychicken · 01/07/2015 18:29

A friend who cancelled her wedding three months before did it in bite sized chunks eg composed an email saying due to a change in plans the wedding on x date would now not be hapoening. Then she delegated the cancelling of venue etc to her mum and sister and a couple of us close friends. Then she caught her breath and recharged for the next step which was splitting up with the fiancé. Then she buggered off on holiday! Not the honeymoon though.

Those close to her knew the full story, but lots of guests didn't, and frankly didn't need to. She didn't need to explain herself. All I'm saying is it all prob looks v daunting at the moment. Just concentrate on the first step. The rest can wait it's turn.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 01/07/2015 18:45

I did this. Cancelled wedding & ended relationship with my XP about 8 weeks before we were due to get married. He was verbally, emotionally & otherwise abusive with anger issues & a major Madonna/Whore thing going on. No concept of working for a living, (background of family money, they didn't work) & they all assumed I'd move in with their family.

It turned out that my mum & sister had not liked him for a while, but had kept quiet because they didn't feel it was their place to say anything. They still don't know everything the idiot put me through. I've never regretted leaving him, not for a minute.

Trust your instinct.

Dogsarebetter · 01/07/2015 18:51

Just like to add I'm with someone else now who I just 'know' is the right one, no wedding plans yet or anything but I know I want to be with him forever, no doubts.

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/07/2015 19:10

Yes, call it off. Do it!

If no-one else is on your side, then at least you should be! Your family don't have to live your life, and you are not on earth to make this scumbag feel happy that there is at least one woman around who will take his verbal abuse. You're not a possession. Just tell your family 'I was unhappy in the relationship.' Then let them gossip and moan amongst themselves if that's what they want to do. But you need to take back control of your life. I've read some of your other threads, and you seem to feel you're powerless. You're really not. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children?

TheWintersmith · 01/07/2015 19:15

This is Glastonbury Bloke isn't it

hes a dick

Dump him. Seriously.

Enidblytonrules · 01/07/2015 19:59

my DD called off hers 5 months before - I really admire her courage to say I don't want to go through with this because I am not 100% happy.

Rather than going through with it to keep everyone happy and not lose face and then possibility of splitting up a few years down the line when there could be dcs involved etc.

Cumbrae · 01/07/2015 20:21

Your fiancé is the with the unhealthy Glastonbury obsession?

Just explain that in the cancellation announcement, no one will blame you.

bramble16 · 01/07/2015 20:33

One of my friends was on the other side of this and was dumped by her fiancée the week before the wedding - a wedding abroad where both families had flown in from around the world. He felt it wasn't right for them and so took the decision to end it. She was shocked at the time ( and devastated) but now is so grateful as she can see they weren't right for each other. Both are much happier.

LizzieBelle · 01/07/2015 21:00

May is a year away, any hotels can be cancelled without a fee ~ no problem

meisiemee · 01/07/2015 21:06

Leave, don't go through with it. Who cares what others think, it's your life, it's their day.

springydaffs · 02/07/2015 00:06

Read up on the Family Scapegoat - whatever you do won't be good enough for your family if you are the family scapegoat. So don't bother trying. No wonder you're gone for a dickhead - it follows.

Pah to his family. I'm sure they'll manage.

For goodness sake, cancel. You'd be insane to go ahead with it. Especially as you have ages.

Then get therapy to address the lifelong scapegoating - you owe it to yourself to make sure you make healthier relationship choices in future.

Norest · 02/07/2015 14:07

Did you notice you described your relationship with your husband-to-be in pretty similar terms to how your parents treat you?

If you marry him you're just getitng a repeat of what your parents have done to you. Same dynamic, but this time with a husband rather than parents.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2015 14:59

I called my wedding off about 5 months before.
Everyone was devastated and it was a horrible time.
My family couldn't understand it and life was horrible for about 3 months.
It all blew over though and I don't regret at thing.
I know it would never have lasted.

It seems difficult but it's not really.
Cancel the bits you can first then it becomes real.
Then tell people as and when you can.

I'm glad you seem to be FINALLY coming to your senses with this knobhead!
Call it off and find yourself.
Do the Freedom Programme.
Life we will be so much better in a few months time.

pinkpeony · 02/07/2015 15:14

No but I wish I had, so many red flags. I am now divorced with 2 DCs.

Annamaria10 · 02/07/2015 20:34

I done it twelve weeks before, ten years ago. Was frightened but braved it out. Good luck