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Original poster

How do I play this? DH's possible lies.

126 replies

nearlyhadenough · 30/06/2015 16:48

Quick history - 22 year marriage, 2 children (both left home recently), relationship always a bit rocky, DH impotent so VERY little sex/affection. DH has always been known to tell lies. I am basically waiting for children to be settled and to be sorted financially then I will leave him.

Last September/October I was getting to the end of my ability to stay, I had begged DH to go to GP for help with ED (and have asked him to do so for 15 years but he has always refused). I had voiced that I could not take things being the way they were.

DH had lost some weight and had been sent for tests by his GP. I had seen letters from the hospital so I knew this to be true. In October he announced that he had lung cancer.

My immediate reaction was that this was another of his lies (may be as a way of stopping me nagging him about our sex life/stop me leaving). Lots of things didn't ring true. I have worked with children with a cancer diagnosis so I have some experience. BUT...... I said nothing. Life continued as normal, no time off work, no medication at home, no illness, only letters from a general medicine consultant that mention nothing of cancer (in fact one referred him back to GP as there was nothing found to be wrong with him), no nothing. Until he made a comment about my lack of sympathy. So I explained my thoughts. He took this really well. I asked him to go to the GP with me - so that GP could explain things to me. DH refused. He said there was nothing on the GP computer as he had asked the consultant to not pass on any information.

I eventually got DH to agree that I could attend his next appointment with his consultant. After consultant being unwell/on holiday/not seeing him for 4 weeks - the appointment date is this Thursday.......

For the last 10 days or so DH has been a changed man! He even managed to go to GP and get some medication for his ED (I have had more sex in the last week than I have had in about 8/9 years). there is nothing that he cannot do for me.........

I know that (at least 97% sure) there is no appointment, but I don't know how to play out the day. If DH says it is cancelled I thought I should try to get him to take me to the hospital department he has been treated in? See is anyone recognises him? I can't go to GP as DH won't consent to info sharing!

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Offred · 03/07/2015 18:17

The only way there would be a conflict of interest is if he has instructed them to act for him. Since he is the one due the inheritance I would expect he may have done that in order to take advice on how to prevent you getting a share of it. Do you actually know that the inheritance is still being settled or has he actually just received it, lied to you about it and hidden it from you somewhere or is planning to?

Offred · 03/07/2015 18:19

Tbh I would expect a divorce from this man to be very difficult. Leaving him is the important thing even if you don't get what you expect/deserve financially. Of course you should do your best to get your share of the joint assets but getting away is more important IMO.

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 03/07/2015 18:55

Offred - I REALLY did not think this, I have followed reasonably carefully how things have gone - I know that a property with a huge price tag (over a million) is still on the market and that there has been negotiation around a piece of prime building land that has recently reached the signed off stage. NOW - I'm not sure! That's why I'm paying my money and getting advice...

That's how I now see it - if I can have a (relatively) small amount to pay the mortgage off (I couldn't afford to stay here otherwise) and maybe a small amount then I give in - I just want to be away and have peace.

OP posts:
Offred · 03/07/2015 19:04

People who lie are disrespectful and selfish. They are also people who you never really know and therefore cannot trust. You can only really rely on them to be selfish and to lie to you. If you proceed at least being aware of the possibility that he will be approaching the whole relationship and divorce from a selfish perspective and be likely to behave dishonestly whenever there is an opportunity to do so then I think it will make for a less bumpy ride for you TBH. I'd be wondering less about an OW and more about him having gone to a solicitor about the inheritance when you confronted his lies and be keeping you on side with the sex stuff for that reason - hedging his bets to protect the money if the sex doesn't keep you inside.

Offred · 03/07/2015 19:05

*on side!

Offred · 03/07/2015 19:07

Probably the whole cancer lie was something designed to blackmail you into staying. I just hope you get really serious about getting out. Whatever his issues are that lead him to lie like this he is not capable of having an equal and loving relationship with anyone and you have suffered for decades because of this. It has to stop - for your sake.

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 04/07/2015 15:39

Ok - If he went, as long as he paid half the mortgage, I could just about survive. I've got extra hours from September so that will make a small difference. No spare cash at all and eating into the little amount of savings I have but it can be done.

Had a real play with figures ahead of seeing solicitor. On paper it looks like I am not being unreasonable - if the whole picture is taken into account. It will be interesting to hear a legal viewpoint of reasonable!

Some of the views posted here were not easy to read - but thank you all for your input, it has enabled me to start to see things from a different angle. I only hope I can continue on the positive road.

OP posts:
butterflygirl15 · 04/07/2015 17:13

have you worked out how much child maintenance he would have to pay you? And looked at the entitledto website - that will tell you what you can expect to claim as a top up.

Offred · 05/07/2015 02:28

Butterfly - her kids have moved out.

Aussiebean · 05/07/2015 08:16

While you don't have proof he doesn't have cancer, you don't have proof that he does either.

So work with the fact he doesn't and continue to make your plans

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 06/07/2015 16:08

So, I went to a solicitor. I felt sick before I went in and could hardly catch my breath when I spoke!

She doesn't think DH 'diagnosis' of lung cancer sounds quite right either....

I have grounds for divorce on unreasonable behaviour. I gave as many financial details as possible (I had been digging, yes, looking through DH's emails etc. - wrong or right, it needed doing I believe).

The financial settlement I am looking for appears reasonable BUT at this time it would mean leaving DH with no house and a few thousand pounds (with an inheritance settlement in the hundreds of thousands of pounds to come). The court may go for it or they may not.

It would be better if there were more physical cash - of which there is much due as soon as a property sells. There is an interested party (I have seen emails from estate agent so know this to be the case). If this sells, then the tax man can be paid off and I could have my small financial settlement. (And, yes, it is small in the grand scheme of things - I actually just want to be able to live, not take him to the cleaners).

It basically means that the longer I stay the more likely I am to get a fair deal.

I felt worse when I left, but relieved that what I had hoped for was reasonable.

I now have lots to think about.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/07/2015 16:51

Well that sounds encouraging. I note you're looking at it now from the point of view of how you can make a separation work, rather than why it won't work. No need to be greedy, but may I just point out that an important aspect of negotiation is not to give away your own bottom line, because the other party will always try to push you further. So if you reckon you could live with 40% of the marital assets, for example, you say you're looking for 50%, so if your H manages to argue it down to 40 you're both happy. If you say you want 40% he won't be satisfied until he's ground you down to 30. Always keep a little slack in reserve.

Garlick · 06/07/2015 18:25

Whoa, WELL DONE , nearly!!! How are you feeling now you've spoken to a professional?

I was about to say what Annie did about negotiation.

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 07/07/2015 17:35

Garlic - In a way it feels like a relief, it is out there so it is now real. On the other hand I feel sick - it is such a big step.....

I took the step of trying to make an appointment with our GP today - but he is on leave and no-one is sure when he is back (the receptionist said to ring again in a fortnight!). I think it really needs to be our joint GP - he will more likely know something or not as the case may be, and I can then I thought I could ask questions about notes not being passed on (if this is possible?) and does Dr? deal with cancer patients? Will just have to wait, I suppose.....

OP posts:
PoppyField · 07/07/2015 18:23

What is it you want from your GP?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 07/07/2015 20:35

Why talk to the GP? You don't actually believe it might be true that he has lung cancer do you?

If the GP told you anything he'd be in deep deep trouble.

If you go to the GP, you'll put him in an awkward position. He'll definitely not tell you anything. You'll embarrass yourself. Don't do it.

TheSilveryPussycat · 07/07/2015 23:24

I thought recent inheritances received by one party did not go into the marital settlement pot?

Garlick · 08/07/2015 00:52

But, as STBXH has a chunk of money waiting for him, there's a stronger argument for nearly to keep her existing house. A court wouldn't easily throw one spouse into poverty so the other could be comfortable, but would more likely accept that he was going to be just fine as soon as the inherited property is sold.

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/07/2015 12:20

Ah I see. :)

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 08/07/2015 17:35

Garlick - that is exactly as the solicitor explained it, it would be on a 'needs basis'. I would probably be expected to find more hours to work/different job (only limited hours available as a Teaching Assistant) which I am happy to do and am actually looking for anyway! I would be asking for about 10% of the inheritance and he would still be able to purchase a property 4/5 times the value of the one we live in now - and have cash left over.

Poppy/Ketchup - there is still a part of me that is not sure -completely bananas I know. I think the GP won't be able to tell me anything, but they would be able to answer some of my questions.

OP posts:
caz1010 · 09/07/2015 11:02

my thoughts are with you today. either way I think it's the day you start the next chapter. What ever that maybe.

stay strong

Hoppinggreen · 09/07/2015 12:57

GP won't tell you anything. My father pretended to have cancer and when I spoke to his GP he told me he couldn't comment at all but what he COULD say was that he hadn't seen my father in some time, which confirmed to me that it was a complete lie.
I don't really know why I bothered to check though, I knew it was bull and even if confronted my narc father would have had some story or denied the whole thing and accused me of making things up.
As I said before OP there is no point in trying to prove lies like this and I'm relieved that you have decided not to go down that route anymore but to take practical steps to protect yourself instead.
Hope all goes well for you

PoppyField · 13/07/2015 17:48

How are you OP? Have you managed to make progress?

Everythinghaschanged · 13/07/2015 17:54

I know someone whose husband claimed he had cancer. Again the doctor couldn't say yes or no but did hint that the type of cancer he claimed to have was practically unheard of in a young man. That was enough for my friend to confront her dh and he admitted he was lying.

firesidechat · 13/07/2015 18:05

Why would you do that? I can't get my head around it at all. My husband and mother have both had cancer and it's really not something to build a fantasy on. Attention, I guess.