How do I play this? DH's possible lies.

[nearlyhadenough]

Quick history - 22 year marriage, 2 children (both left home recently), relationship always a bit rocky, DH impotent so VERY little sex/affection. DH has always been known to tell lies. I am basically waiting for children to be settled and to be sorted financially then I will leave him.

Last September/October I was getting to the end of my ability to stay, I had begged DH to go to GP for help with ED (and have asked him to do so for 15 years but he has always refused). I had voiced that I could not take things being the way they were.

DH had lost some weight and had been sent for tests by his GP. I had seen letters from the hospital so I knew this to be true. In October he announced that he had lung cancer.

My immediate reaction was that this was another of his lies (may be as a way of stopping me nagging him about our sex life/stop me leaving). Lots of things didn't ring true. I have worked with children with a cancer diagnosis so I have some experience. BUT...... I said nothing. Life continued as normal, no time off work, no medication at home, no illness, only letters from a general medicine consultant that mention nothing of cancer (in fact one referred him back to GP as there was nothing found to be wrong with him), no nothing. Until he made a comment about my lack of sympathy. So I explained my thoughts. He took this really well. I asked him to go to the GP with me - so that GP could explain things to me. DH refused. He said there was nothing on the GP computer as he had asked the consultant to not pass on any information.

I eventually got DH to agree that I could attend his next appointment with his consultant. After consultant being unwell/on holiday/not seeing him for 4 weeks - the appointment date is this Thursday.......

For the last 10 days or so DH has been a changed man! He even managed to go to GP and get some medication for his ED (I have had more sex in the last week than I have had in about 8/9 years). there is nothing that he cannot do for me.........

I know that (at least 97% sure) there is no appointment, but I don't know how to play out the day. If DH says it is cancelled I thought I should try to get him to take me to the hospital department he has been treated in? See is anyone recognises him? I can't go to GP as DH won't consent to info sharing!

Any ideas?

Ugh. How could you bear to have sex with him when you want to leave him anyway, for being a liar and for caring though about you to see his GP about the ED before?
Just ugh.

He's lying about the appointment, yes. Why on earth wouldn't he let his consultant tell his GP things? Is that even something you can request? What if a consultant prescribed medicine A, then the GP prescribed contraindicated medicine B at the same time for something else?

What on earth reason has he given for that?

It hardly matters though.

He's lying. He lies. You know that, and you know this is one of them. A big one.

I get that really you're only putting up barriers to leaving because you're scared.

I suggest you concentrate on that, not how to "play" the cancelled appointment.

You need to STOP playing.

Yes, I've been looking at consent issues in the NHS recently firesidechat, and 'routine clinical communications' are very hard to opt out of, because the doctors have a duty of care but I think it may be possible in exceptional circumstances. I don't believe the OP's DH has done this, though - I think he is talking bollocks.

Who so you need this proof for?
My father was pathological liar and confronting him with proof never achieved anything.
Leave if you want but it doesn't sound like you are ready yet - and don't stay " for the children" because I have to live with it being my mums fault she stayed with my father for so long and it's not good so please don't place that burden on your children.

when you don't believe your husband is telling the truth about a cancer dx, that is waaay past the day you should have ended your marriage

what on earth are you doing ?

Ask him who his consultant is. Phone the hospital and tell them you've mislaid the letter and ask if they could confirm the time of the appt.

I'm not sure how anyone can be in a loving, trusting relationship when one half lies about a life threatening illness. It really beggars belief. I mean, what sort of person does that? And how on earth do your children cope with such bizarre fucked up behaviour?

I have no proof that he IS lying - that is what I am TRYING to prove.

I understand this - have been there myself a few times. Not with fake cancer, but equally bizarre confabulations.

You are wrong. You do NOT need to prove ANYTHING. It feels like it, because your marriage has turned into a covert power game which can have no ultimate winner.

Anyone can end a marriage for any reason.

Not wanting to be in a relationship with the person any more is sufficient. And you shouldn't want to be in this relationship!

You can find yourself a liar to act nice and have sex with any day of the week, if you want. Why limit yourself to the one? Or, better, knock it all on the head and set yourself free to re-connect with normal life. You've forgotten what it feels like.

Can I add, under NO circumstances would your husbands GP have no communication from his consultant! That would absolutely never happen!! All tests, results, medication recommendations etc would be passed on to his GP. Any visits to a hospital Dr for any reason are communicated to your GP! Your husband cannot request his GP mustn't be told he has something as serious/life threatening as cancer.

Do you have your hands on hard facts about your finances, by the way? Folks who do this much bullshitting are never rarely above board with money.

You're playing a game where you haven't been given the rules or the aim.

So he's had lung cancer with no treatment such as radio or chemotherapy, surgery and no time off work etc, for 9 months and he's been able overcome a terminal illness to the extent that you've had more sex in the past 10 days than you've had in the past 8/9 years.

And you are claiming you don't have proof that he hasn't got this dreadful malignant disease?

How do want to play it? Get some brochures from funeral directors and stonemasons and ask him what he wants when his limited time runs out, or tell him you've been in touch with Macmillan and a nurse will be coming to see you both and you'll be making a claim for the benefits he's entitled to under special rules?

You can wait until he tells you that the consultant won't be available on Thursday, or simply take the bull by the horns NOW and tell this bullshitter it's beyond despicable for a lying twunt hale and hearty individual to claim to be suffering from cancer when so many adults and children are going through living hell because of it.

However you decide to play it, your marriage sounds truly awful and I suspect your dc are immensely relieved to be living away from the family home. Instead of waiting for them to be "settled and sorted financially", I suggest you look to get your life sorted without this lying piece of piss in it.

Yes, the consultant request is a clear lie as no consultant or GP could work with him under those conditions. They would refuse and say he'd have to go private. I like olddear's idea about ringing the department and asking time of appointment. You know there won't be one. He'll then lie of course and say it's been cancelled by mistake, moved to different hospital etc. So at some point you're going to have to say 'he's a dirty rotten liar and I'm done with it'. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

Do your children believe that their father has cancer?

speaking as someone who has just lost a parent to lung cancer - the thought that someone would lie about having it makes me feel quite ill. I find it hard to believe someone would receive a diagnosis so many months ago and either have no treatment or any visible effects of the illness.

But I don't think you will leave him tbh. Looking for a reason to leave when you already have so many is just wrong. Staying in such a marriage for so long will I am sure have had such an impact on your DC already.

A pp said that, even if you confronted him with hard evidence, he still wouldn't admit to lying (paraphrasing).

I was with a pathological liar for 10 years what a waste of life I found myself constNtly trying to find evidence about all manner of things. Waste of time. He once claimed that feeding chocolate to dogs was fine and that I was being hysterical telling him off for feeding my beautiful GSD a whole chocolate cake when I was out. We rowed about it for hours. I printed off several clinical papers and articles written by the Royal College of Vetinerary Surgeons, detailing why and how chocolate was harmful to dogs. With the evidence in front of him he angrily swiped away the papers saying they were "all bullshit".

Don't waste any more of your time and energy on this emotional vampire.

Pathological liars often have some sort of personality disorder.

What a revolting thing to do to you. I am staggered at the other posters who seem to think you have a problem too - no idea where that's coming from, perhaps the heat today.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting proof; when people lie and lie and lie, you get to the stage where you doubt yourself so wanting to see things in black and white feels important.

It's not that important though, is it. For a start he's not even faking it very convincingly. You could leave him tonight and have enough reasons to go, too. But if you do want corroboration of your own views, ask the GP to tell you. I bet she or he would. If you don't do that or they won't tell you, you'll have the proof soon enough anyway.

Tell everyone what he's playing at, by the way. It might stop him trying it on the next person.

Do as someone suggested up thread and phone the hospital to confirm the time of the appointment. Of course you'll have to ask him for the appointment letter, which I'm sure he won't have.

What else is he capable of if he's capable of lying to his wife about cancer?

This has to be one of the most dysfunctional relationships I've read about on here. He's lying, you know he's lying, he knows you know he's lying (this is ridiculous). He's using sex to get around you, you know this, but go along with it anyway and he's fully aware of that.

Bloody hell woman, what do you think will happen if you leave?

Do your DC think their dad has cancer too?

The only way this situation would resolve itself was if your husband was telling the truth. And how awful a predicament to be in if he wasn't lying.

But here is the thing, you're sleeping with a liar & think that because you know he's lying, it puts you one step ahead of him. It, in fact, puts you twenty paces behind. Whether your partner knows you think what he has divulged it rubbish or whether he thinks you are cluess to this potentially big fat lie; he is laughing at you

Clueless*

An earlier poster asked one of the most important questions - do your children believe that their father has cancer?

If they do, they are carrying an awful burden, and you are perpetuating it by staying in this marriage. Get out for their sake before the next lie that threatens to shadow their lives.

If they do not, then ask yourself why? Why has this lie been given to you and you alone?

Divorce may give you financial security, because it will involve a division of the assets. I very strongly suggest that you start assembling financial information about the assets that each of you owns, now, while you still have access to the documents before he destroys them.

Do your DC think their dad has cancer too?

There's a question. and here's another, how many other people has he told? or is it just you?

I can only tell you my experience of someone with lung cancer (not looking for sympathy, but just to give you an idea of what happened in my mum's case). My mum found a lump in her lymph gland (neck - an obvious lump, she also had a persistent cough that woke her up at night) and went to the GP, he referred her very quickly to hospital and she had a biopsy the next working day (big white sticking plaster on neck). 10 days later she was admitted for an exploratory operation on her lungs to find the primary tumour (at this point we got the bad news). She was poorly for a while afterwards as a result of that op, but maybe a fortnight afterwards she started radiotherapy to shrink the secondary tumour. A month later, she started losing her balance and they found a brain tumour, she had more radiotherapy on her head and lost her hair. She died about a month later (total of 18 weeks from GP visit).

Now I know that's an extreme case, but what I'm saying is, there is no way he wouldn't have started some sort of treatment by now.

BUT that aside, you do not have to have evidence to leave him, you can just go.

Raptor - so sorry. That is more a less the same timeline as my Mum. Heartbreaking.

Thanks butterflygirl I just think it was worth spelling out exactly what the illness would entail.