How do I play this? DH's possible lies.

[nearlyhadenough]

Quick history - 22 year marriage, 2 children (both left home recently), relationship always a bit rocky, DH impotent so VERY little sex/affection. DH has always been known to tell lies. I am basically waiting for children to be settled and to be sorted financially then I will leave him.

Last September/October I was getting to the end of my ability to stay, I had begged DH to go to GP for help with ED (and have asked him to do so for 15 years but he has always refused). I had voiced that I could not take things being the way they were.

DH had lost some weight and had been sent for tests by his GP. I had seen letters from the hospital so I knew this to be true. In October he announced that he had lung cancer.

My immediate reaction was that this was another of his lies (may be as a way of stopping me nagging him about our sex life/stop me leaving). Lots of things didn't ring true. I have worked with children with a cancer diagnosis so I have some experience. BUT...... I said nothing. Life continued as normal, no time off work, no medication at home, no illness, only letters from a general medicine consultant that mention nothing of cancer (in fact one referred him back to GP as there was nothing found to be wrong with him), no nothing. Until he made a comment about my lack of sympathy. So I explained my thoughts. He took this really well. I asked him to go to the GP with me - so that GP could explain things to me. DH refused. He said there was nothing on the GP computer as he had asked the consultant to not pass on any information.

I eventually got DH to agree that I could attend his next appointment with his consultant. After consultant being unwell/on holiday/not seeing him for 4 weeks - the appointment date is this Thursday.......

For the last 10 days or so DH has been a changed man! He even managed to go to GP and get some medication for his ED (I have had more sex in the last week than I have had in about 8/9 years). there is nothing that he cannot do for me.........

I know that (at least 97% sure) there is no appointment, but I don't know how to play out the day. If DH says it is cancelled I thought I should try to get him to take me to the hospital department he has been treated in? See is anyone recognises him? I can't go to GP as DH won't consent to info sharing!

Any ideas?

Well.....as expected this morning there had apparently been no appointment letter from the hospital. I asked DH why he had no chased this up as he knew it was an important letter, his reply was that he is not as organised as me!

He rang the hospital and queried the lack of appointment, they are ringing back, nothing so far (3.10pm). The letter he got the number off was from one that I had seen previously - general medicine consultant stating an appointment had been missed -who misses appointment if they have cancer?????

Every question I ask is met with "I just don't want people to know" and that does include me..... DH has just calmly carried on with his day as per usual (his day off, I have had to take a day off from work under special circumstances).

I knew this would happen, I feel so fucking powerless and used and controlled and I don't know how to stop it.

I have tried to get an appointment with a divorce lawyer - I tried to company that we used for buying a house 15 years ago - and they cannot see me without DH's knowledge!!!!!! Because there could be a conflict of bloody interest...... All I want is some basic information!

Get googling and find out your rights and the laws about divorce – there's loads of info out there. I'm sure it is possible to see a lawyer without him knowing, if you keep trying (look elsewhere not a lawyer you've used as a couple).

It's possible to say to him that you think you would like to separate and get that under way, and you're sorry about his cancer, but you'll still be available as a friend/co-parent to be supportive if necessary. (By that I don't mean drop everything to mop his brow 24/7, but for example if he was actually dying from cancer you would be sympathetic, help your children support him etc.) There's no need to try to prove he's lying. Just take him at his word in a meh kind of way. If he has cancer, well he's shutting you out anyway so there's not much you can do to help is there.

If you think he could behave threateningly if you tell him you want to leave, another option is to set up a place for you to move out to first (e.g. lodge with a friend or family member) and then tell him and only deal with him by email or in public.

You seem to be letting this happen to you. Please take control.

Tell him you don't believe him. make him call the hospital again, this time on loud speaker. Tell him that you want to divorce, it is up to him to convince you there is a marriage worth saving - this would include proving to you that he has lung cancer (that felt like a crazy sentence to type!).

Find a different solicitor. How much longer do you want to be unhappy?

Solicitors who specialise in buying houses may not be the best ones to advise on divorce anyway.

You took a day off to attend an appointment you knew didn't exist?!

It's a charade and you are going along with it.

Have you actually had it out with him? Have you actually said, I know you don't have cancer, you tell lies, I don't believe you and I don't want to be in this marriage any more.

Don't bother trying to catch him out or set him up or get him to prove it. What's the point?

I do know someone who pretended he had cancer btw and he admitted it when confronted by two people. He lost his job over it as he had been taking time off for non-existent appointments.

You don't believe any of this crap from him, yet you took a day off under 'special circumstances?'

I think this is a very messed up and codependent relationship.

OP I suggest you see your own GP and see if you can be referred for some sort of help.

In fact I'm thinking this whole thread must be a wind up?

Op, please dredge up some righteous anger from somewhere and see that solicitor, any solicitor. I feel more angry than you appear to be and I don't even know the lying idiot.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'general medicine cons' consultants usually have specialities, haematologist, urologist etc even within oncology there would be specialist consultants i.e those who deal with renal cancer, head and neck, ophthalmology etc. if your keen to find out for sure you need to get the Drs name and from there you would be able to find out what his speciality is.
As you say, how could anyone miss TWO appts with their specialist when you, allegedly, have lung cancer!

Bonkers thread. I feel like I am in the middle of a maze just reading it.

OP you seem to be playing by the rules of a mad game. Remember the Red Queen in Alice? You don't have to play this game! Just down tools ( or your flamingo croquet mallet) and stop playing! This is imperative. No wonder you are dizzy and confused. Just stop, please.

As so many others have said, OP, you don't need to play this game anymore.

Google will give you lists of hundreds of divorce lawyers you can contact for advice.

You can just walk away. Literally right now. You can go upstairs, pack a bag, and announce to your husband that faking cancer is rather significant step too far, you have had enough, and you're off.

op, you are reacting with learned helplessness

you are finding excuses to not see a proper divorce lawyer

you can actually walk into any office of which there are several in every town and make an appt without any body's permission

but you won't because you would rather stay in the game

that is your choice

The consultant works from a General Medicine clinic - his speciality (according to a Bupa page) is ; Cardiovascular medicine; Cerebrovascular disorders; All medical disorders related to the elderly . Also General (internal) Medicine.

The Firm I rang has many specialities - not just conveyancing (but I do know and trust them). I am awaiting a phone call back from a different firm. I am trying to take control of this.

Yes, I have told DH straight out that I do not believe him. He is not appearing to be bothered by this at all.

Handywoman - As I have admitted further up in these posts - YES, I have a problem, I have been controlled, bullied and had every bit of my confidence, self-esteem and self-worth take away or eroded by this man for the last 22+ years. I am seeing a counsellor and she is helping me see what sort of life I have been living. EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN IS TRUE- IT IS NOT A WIND UP.

Poppyfield
I wish I could. I don't know how to. I'm scared.

There is no-one in real life that is aware of all of this apart from my counsellor.

Hang on- if the solicitor said that they couldn't take your case on due to an actual or even potential conflict of interest, that would be because your husband is a current client. Not because you both used them to buy a house 15 years ago.

There would be no conflict that would arise from the conveyancing; only if your husband spoken or is speaking to them about divorce.

Why don't you tell someone, nearlyhadenough? Is there a friend or relative? (Not your children obviously but someone else). I think the sheer luck of incredulity on their face would help to validate your feelings that this Just Ain't Right.

I also don't understand the conflict of interest thing either

OP wake up! Go to a different solicitor. ask in Legal Matters for a shit hot divorce lawyer in your area. Come on!

Here you are, nearly - legal advice rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/. The London line will be open on Monday 11am-1pm, or you could phone the national line. It's open now!

nearlyhadenough,

you really need to change your user name to
'hadenoughandi'vekicked thebastardout'

No solicitor who dealt with your house purchase that long ago would have any problem dealing witrh you. Where exactly would there be a conflict of interest?

You really need to wake up, smell the coffe, tell the liar bastard you've had enough..then get a life for yourself instead of being shat on again and again.

Come on!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to bang on about this, but this Dr is NOT a lung cancer specialist and will not be treating your husband for that particular illness, heart/stroke/geriatrician does not treat lung cancer.
Good luck. Please do whatever it takes to get away from this man. You deserve a happy life.

How are things today OP?

I think you're looking at this completely backwards. Probably because you've been manipulated into behaving in the same patterns over the years you've been together.

You believe he's lying. He says he's not. Why are you letting the onus be placed on you to prove that he is? Turn the tables. The starting point is that he is lying. Full stop. He is the one that has to prove - convincingly - that he is not. Failure to do so is automatic proof of his guilt. Put the responsibility back on him where it belongs.

Stop trying to manage his behaviour and work around it. You can't. All it does it take your mind off doing what is best for yourself.

Happenstance, thank you for asking.

I have made an appointment for 11am on Monday, with a different firm of solicitors.

I don't know if DH is here or away (he has a hobby that takes him away for quite a few weekends) this weekend - but I am going to try and prepare myself for this appointment. Maybe write things down as it is only half an hour. I also want to look at how I can make the house more affordable to run (reduce or get rid of sky TV, that sort of stuff) to see if I can afford to be here on my own.

I know that I wanted a reasonable percentage of his (unresolved) inheritance - but now, just the mortgage paid off and a small amount (that I believe may be possible after some money juggling with his siblings) is enough.

Poundingthestreet - you are right. I will leave it until after my appointment before I ask him anything - I just don't have the energy for anymore at this time.

Well done on making your appointment :) A weekend getting organised sounds like a good plan!

It's this huge, whirling, complicated game with layers and levels and complications.

You don't have to play it. You do not have to care about what he says. You do not have to care if he is telling the truth or not. It's not your problem.

It will take a while, but try aiming for 'not my game'. It doesn't matter how dramatic and convoluted he tries to make it. It is his game and you don't need to play.

Good luck