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Original poster

How do I play this? DH's possible lies.

126 replies

nearlyhadenough · 30/06/2015 16:48

Quick history - 22 year marriage, 2 children (both left home recently), relationship always a bit rocky, DH impotent so VERY little sex/affection. DH has always been known to tell lies. I am basically waiting for children to be settled and to be sorted financially then I will leave him.

Last September/October I was getting to the end of my ability to stay, I had begged DH to go to GP for help with ED (and have asked him to do so for 15 years but he has always refused). I had voiced that I could not take things being the way they were.

DH had lost some weight and had been sent for tests by his GP. I had seen letters from the hospital so I knew this to be true. In October he announced that he had lung cancer.

My immediate reaction was that this was another of his lies (may be as a way of stopping me nagging him about our sex life/stop me leaving). Lots of things didn't ring true. I have worked with children with a cancer diagnosis so I have some experience. BUT...... I said nothing. Life continued as normal, no time off work, no medication at home, no illness, only letters from a general medicine consultant that mention nothing of cancer (in fact one referred him back to GP as there was nothing found to be wrong with him), no nothing. Until he made a comment about my lack of sympathy. So I explained my thoughts. He took this really well. I asked him to go to the GP with me - so that GP could explain things to me. DH refused. He said there was nothing on the GP computer as he had asked the consultant to not pass on any information.

I eventually got DH to agree that I could attend his next appointment with his consultant. After consultant being unwell/on holiday/not seeing him for 4 weeks - the appointment date is this Thursday.......

For the last 10 days or so DH has been a changed man! He even managed to go to GP and get some medication for his ED (I have had more sex in the last week than I have had in about 8/9 years). there is nothing that he cannot do for me.........

I know that (at least 97% sure) there is no appointment, but I don't know how to play out the day. If DH says it is cancelled I thought I should try to get him to take me to the hospital department he has been treated in? See is anyone recognises him? I can't go to GP as DH won't consent to info sharing!

Any ideas?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 30/06/2015 19:40

Anyone who is newly diagnosed with any type of cancer should know that the outcome may not be terminal and that there are many inspiring stories to be found on the Tamoxigang thead in General Health.

To all those who are suffering from cancer, I take my hat off you to and wish you a full recovery.

Original poster
nearlyhadenough · 30/06/2015 19:46

No - Dc do not know he 'has' cancer - he wanted to tell them. i said it would be best not too (as I straight away did not believe him).

DH says he has told one of his brothers.

Corygal - I do have some kind of problem so I do not entirely disagree with what is being said! I have been with DH since I was 18 - he has slowly lied and manipulated me throughout our 'marriage'. he has made me believe I am the one in the wrong, that I am paranoid, un-loveable, a bad wife, no-one else would want me etc. etc. etc. I doubt everything I do.

Traviata - I have started to compile documentation. The financial issue is that without completion of an inheritance, neither of us would be in a position to buy somewhere to live if we divided our assets. As soon as the inheritance is actual physical cash/property - there will be sufficient funds.

Raptor - I am saddened by your loss. He has had 'treatment' - visits a nurse at the hospital to 'have an injection of something that sounds like "crisp packet"' - which I take to be cisplatin, but this need to be a 6-8 hour transfusion, not a 30 second injection. This happened weekly in October and on occasion now (but not for 6 weeks or so whilst I have wanted to meet with consultant). This causes no sickness or other side effects and no medication is in the house.

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 30/06/2015 19:49

God I couldn't bare bring in the same house as him. What a cunt

Tequilashotfor1 · 30/06/2015 19:49

Being*

Garlick · 30/06/2015 20:05

Macmillan says the cisplatin cycle is normally 21 days (not a week) and blood tests are taken the preceding day. You must have looked this up yourself. As you say, it's delivered through a drip pump, not a single injection. Other "crisp packet" candidates might be Crizonitib, a capsule taken by mouth, and Kyprolis (Carfilzomib), still being trialled in the UK for myeloma.

I offer this with the intention of shoring up your disbelief, as I understand your confusion and he is clearly LYING SPECTACULARLY.

Olddear · 30/06/2015 20:09

If your husband has had lung cancer since last October, I think you would know about it for a whole variety of reasons! The treatment in itself is gruelling! my father died from lung cancer/brain Mets after 18months, believe me, there wasn't a shred of doubt he was ill. We had Macmillan nurse input from the beginning (referred on the day of diagnosis) this was to support not only him but us too, of course, that may vary from hospital to hospital.
There were scans, x-rays, regular blood tests, hospital apps, we were advised of any benefits required etc. none of which could be carried out in secret. And his GP was kept informed of every test, hospital appt by his oncologist. He's absolutely lying.

BreadmakerFan · 30/06/2015 20:14

My grandmother had lung cancer. She was dead 10 weeks after diagnosis.

Get some self respect and leave this twat.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 30/06/2015 20:15

goddess you are absolutely right Flowers

GirlsonFilm · 30/06/2015 20:35

There is no way that the hospital doctor has written to the GP to say he couldn't find anything if your husband actually has cancer. He hasn't, I would go and see his/your GP and state that your H has informed you that he has been diagnosed with lung cancer and you want to know what support services are available for your H and you and watch the GP's reaction. .........

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 30/06/2015 20:38

You need to talk to him and outright get an answer. Currently your colluding with the lie.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 30/06/2015 20:38

*youre

goddessofsmallthings · 30/06/2015 20:40

You can read about cisplatin here: www.macmillan.org.uk/cancerinformation/cancertreatment/treatmenttypes/chemotherapy/individualdrugs/cisplatin.aspx

If he won't give you the name of his consultant or oncologist, ask for the name of his nurse.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/06/2015 20:42

Flowers for you Raptor. I'm so very sorry you lost your mum to such a cruel disease.

53rdAndBird · 30/06/2015 20:56

Oh OP Sad It sounds like he's got you believing that you aren't 'allowed' to decide he's lying until he admits it. Which of course he'll never do.

You know he's lying, though. You don't need him to own up to it, you can just say to yourself "right, he's lying." You have all the proof you need, you really do.

Isetan · 01/07/2015 06:06

What would having proof actually change? Would you stop sleeping with him? Would you start divorce proceedings? Would you start detaching from him and his crappy lies? No, probably not because "Getting proof" is yet another distraction in the farce that is your dysfunctional marriage.

Your H isn't the only person lying to you, you're lying to yourself too. You didn't stay for the kids and your not staying for financial reasons, these are the reasons excuses you tell yourself to explain while you're still there.

Improving your self belief isn't dependant on what he does and doesn't do, that's your responsibility. Sleeping with him knowing he's lying about a cancer diagnosis and was keen on telling your children, demonstrates the depths to which your self esteem has fallen and how much work you have to do to improve it. Until you examine your unhealthy attachment to this man, talk of 'exit plans' will remain just that, talk.

littlejessie · 01/07/2015 06:32

Such a shocking lie to tell. I second the pp who advised you to phone up and confirm the appointment because I think you will find that no appointment has been made.

This actually makes me feel very angry, as he is making a mockery of the many families who are going through the wretched reality of cancer and losing their loved ones to this cruel disease.

If you've been living in his pseudo reality for years, OP, I can understand your need to catch him out because you probably don't really know whether you're coming or going. It's actually a form of control he's exercising over you by keeping you confused and in the dark.

MokunMokun · 01/07/2015 07:12

Do you believe he has ED? Do you believe he has been to his GP and has medication? Are you sure anything he has told you is true?

Having experience of liars, they won't ever admit the truth. They just keep on digging a deeper hole for themselves.

You know the truth though and that's all that matters.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/07/2015 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal · 01/07/2015 07:38

All I can say OP is that you only get one life. The remaining years of your life could be good. But if you never leave this prick because you never have proof of his lying, then you are just as much a liar as he is - but it is yourself you are lying to.

DoreenLethal · 01/07/2015 07:51

This brings me in mind of that other OP on here - who had endured 10 years of lying including him getting a scar tattooed to show where he had his cancer cut out.

I wonder what happened to her on a daily basis. If you are reading this - please do update if you managed to get away. If you didn't - maybe it is time for another thread?

Isetan · 01/07/2015 07:54

You're posing the wrong question to the wrong person, it isn't 'why does he treat me with such contempt?' but 'why do I let him?'

Your exit strategy should begin with detachment.

knotnowdear · 01/07/2015 08:20

My ex is a pathological liar. He will lie about anything - eg I SEE him smoking, he denies it Confused (he's been pretending to have given up for about 7 years now). I work on the basis that everything he says is a lie unless proved otherwise, not that I particularly care about anything he says any more tbh.

By all means have some fun with yourself predicting what will happen on Thursday, but get your plans in place to leave, you don't need to get proof to have the catalyst to leave - you've got years of proof already.

MaybeDoctor · 01/07/2015 14:06

Be very careful about confronting him with the truth.

I had a very close friend who told me that an ex partner of hers had died. Years later, we were together at an event and we bumped into someone who asked after this ex-partner, and she answered as if they were alive. I confronted her immediately.

She told me a cock-and-bull story, but then a few weeks later we had a huge argument and she told all our mutual friends lies about me. I have never seen her since and I am glad of it, as I think she was fundamentally dangerous.

No one likes to be caught out and the bigger the lie the bigger the loss of face. Be careful.

Olddear · 02/07/2015 11:41

How are things OP? Did you find out if there really was a hospital appt?

Anniegetyourgun · 02/07/2015 12:04

knotnowdear, my ex did the same. He once denied it while holding a lit cigar behind his back (that was a particular low point). Most days he'd come in reeking of smoke and tell me I was paranoid for imagining it. It was disrespectful to an offensive degree. These exes are ex for more than one reason. (For more than the six listed in the divorce petition, even.)

OP, you've been with him for most of your life, it's understandable that leaving now would be a great scary leap into the unknown. You're by no means old yet, though - you must be quite a bit younger than me, and I ain't old! - so there is plenty of life left worth living without a man who drags you down and treats you with massive lack of respect and affection. Start planning it now, is my advice. Look forward positively to what you can have, not just at what you want to get away from. Within the means you shortly hope to have there must be some quite jolly options.

You know why he's suddenly started behaving better? Because he's been rumbled and knows you are on the edge of actually leaving. He feels the need for some bonding, re-applying the glue, the support, the sex, everything you'd been asking for for the last decade. This will go on for as long as he reckons it will take to get you to climb back into the box; perhaps until he has persuaded you to commit your inheritance to some project that means you can't afford to leave after all? Watch out for this.