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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

friend is confusing me??

104 replies

ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 12:51

about 11 weeks ago i send friend a text:

Me: have had baby. had him at home. J: poor little thing. me:why???

J: ridiculous of you having another child,not fair on others,one parent can not possibly cope properly with 4 let alone 5.

Me: oh shut up J if you have nothing nice to say. J: you know deep down that i am right. Me: please dont contact me again there is no need for your nastyness and i do not wish to have a friend like you. thanks.

J:Truth is not always sugar coated. your kids are smashing people although 4 was too many to bring up properly on your own. I really feel sorry for this new one. But i wish him every best wish for his future. Cant help being disappointed that you just carry on producing.Thats all. good luck.

Me: go away J. i can see why your kids dont like you. and i can see why you dont see your grandchild....now go away.

J: wait till yours are older you may not see them either.

following day: J: what you choose to do or not do, is not my business. should not have voiced my opinions so forcefully i suppose. Anyway happy days and good luck.

Me: no you should not you said what you had to say when i told you i was pregnant should have been left at that. Baby is here your comments were not going to make him go away. so there was no point to them.

Above convo was 23rd april

then 9th june i sent message: how are you. no reply. 14th i sent another: i guess you dont want to talk to us anymore. shame because we were friends for a long time. and you were like a nan to the kids as they dont have that. and L was asking about you the other day.never mind i guess people in life come and go.

J: im in mallorca till thurs. Thats all maybe expensive to text not sure. Me: ok have fun.

28/06....Me good you felt you could speak to O but not me...thanks

my confusion is she does not seem to want to talk to me. but then sends me a birthday card. she does not reply to me if i message her will talk to my daughter but not me. but sends me a birthday card. its really confusing me she either does want to talk to me or dont????

OP posts:
MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 29/06/2015 17:03

Afternoon all. The OP has asked us to move this thread to Relationships so we're going to shift it across there shortly.

ElementaryMyDear · 29/06/2015 17:03

i told her to go away because she was being nasty just a few days after i had given birth. then she said she should not have been so forcful in what she was saying. so then i try hold out an olive branch.

The point is that she only said she shouldn't have said it so forcefully - she didn't actually take back a word of what she said, so she obviously still thinks the same way. I'm with the others, I don't see why you would want to keep up a friendship with her.

AuntyMag10 · 29/06/2015 17:09

I agree with ghosty. Every day there is a new drama with you. Grow up seriously.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 17:15

mag there is no drama maybe i post often but so what i dont have any family or form of support i can go days without talking to anyone so maybe i do use mn to sound of a bit.or just post crap.

people may think what happends in my life is drama. i think its normal stuff that im just having a sound of about.

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/06/2015 17:23

That kind of exchange is not normal if you are older than 12. Treat people in a civilised and adult manner and you are more likely to get the same back.

AreYouThinkingWhatImThinking · 29/06/2015 17:32

OP - do you still want her friendship? Why does your friend have concerns about how many children you have, to the extent she felt the need to point them out to you - do you struggle? Do you rely on her for support? (I'm not having a go, just trying to clarify the situation).

Unexpected · 29/06/2015 17:33

I'm sorry - she is a grandmother and you are old enough to be the mother of 5 children yet you seem to communicate only by text (what ever happened to actual conversation?) and you are confused that someone you told to go away and not contact you is now.... not contacting you?! You both sound juvenile in your attitudes.

SaucyJack · 29/06/2015 17:33

I think it's fine to sound off about stuff on here.

But that doesn't change that we cannot help you, and there's no advice we can give you.

You friend doesn't approve of your lifestyle. She hasn't taken her comments back, and she won't accept your olive branch.

That's all there is to say really. Draw a line, move on.

Candlefairy101 · 29/06/2015 17:54

Is she saying this because your having another child on benefits ( sorry unsure but I'm guessing your single, sorry if this is untrue?)

I don't think she was saying your a bad mum with how your treating them just maybe that it's not fair to have more while your single and in benefits?

Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 18:03

areyouthinking She has concerns because im a single parent and how will i manage. when i found out i was pregnant she told me to abort. i said i would not. she said things simlar to what i put in my op. anyway i refused to have abortion and just carried on. we were still ok. because she had said what she did. when i was pregnant. i thought it was finished. no point carrying it on as baby here now. and we had been meeting up. so i thought we were ok till i got the responce i did. in general i have been ok. been some ups and downs mainly with my teen. but friend does not know about them issues.

i dont rely on her for support. we just meet up for lunch/dinner and have general chats. yes i do want her friendship because although she really did upset me she is an ace person

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 18:05

fairy i work...this is also not a benefit thread

OP posts:
WellErrr · 29/06/2015 18:17

Why are people being so nasty on what is supposed to be a supportive forum?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 29/06/2015 18:25

It's not being nasty, op has asked an opinion, it was given. This friendship is over. They both said things that can't be taken back. Also, this thread started in AIBU, not the most 'supportive' place on the planet.

rockybalboa · 29/06/2015 18:31

OP, she is not an ace person, she is a bitch. Stop being a doormat and move on...

mrstweefromtweesville · 29/06/2015 19:20

You don't need this 'friend'. She's been horribly unkind to you. Rightly, you told her to do one. Now you've calmed down, you want to be friends. Review that.
She said unforgivable things. Block her. Go n-c. For always.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 19:21

We have spoken now...think all is ok

OP posts:
Newrule · 29/06/2015 19:34

Are friends only those who sugar coat and tell us what we want to hear? Straight talking friends are of far greater value than those who only say what is nice to say.

Your friend seems to have valid concerns. I personally would not approve either and I am not one of those people who subscribe to the view that other people's choices are not my business. If society was more judgemental about choices that negatively impact on society, particularly those most vulnerable like children, the elderly, and disabled, then we would have a much more caring and better behaved populace.

Candlefairy101 · 29/06/2015 19:53

Op why did she say 'you having a child is not fair on others'?

Pumpkinpositive · 29/06/2015 19:56

Looking forward to your next thread, OP. Hmm

DoJo · 29/06/2015 19:59

Are friends only those who sugar coat and tell us what we want to hear? Straight talking friends are of far greater value than those who only say what is nice to say.

No, but having said her piece when she learned that the OP was pregnant, and when there was still a possibility that her words could have changed the outcome of that pregnancy, and the OP made it clear that she wasn't going to take her friend's advice then. Continuing the friendship and waiting until the baby was born and the OP was at her most emotionally and physically vulnerable to express her disapproval when the OP made it clear that she was happy with her decision is pointless rudeness.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 19:59

fairy im not sure. in her message is says 4 is to many i cant properly bring up 5 on my own.but also says the 4 are smashing people. so im not sure really

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 20:03

thankyou dojo

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 29/06/2015 20:17

good for you positive

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 30/06/2015 09:49

I had been thinking OP was somewhat of a drama queen beforehand albeit one who posts a lot.

I have family and friends but also 'stuff' that I'd like to post about on here. However now as I've got older I try and sort it out in my head before posting especially on AIBU as sadly it can make you sound like a Jeremy Kyle extra. Also unless you really really have a problem (like a Wendy in your life etc) it can make you sound really bitchy... (friend type problems) and well I don't think that goes down well here... especially on AIBU like I just said!

OP - you've said you've spoken now - think it is all ok, you really really (well I advise you to do so) (despite her role in your life in past etc) want to work out in your head what is and is not acceptable to be said to you (from friends) and how to deal with this in the future (apart from MN). When you have a set of responses ready for the 'next time' or deal with this in an adult fashion straight off then you alleviate any drama later on. Does this make sense? Smile

Original poster
ghostspirit · 30/06/2015 10:03

super im not really sure how to take your post. not sure i really understand it. but a few people have made me feel that i should not post. i do post alot but thats would be because im isolated and can go days without talking to anyone. i dont have anyone that i can share day to day things with.

i would not say im a drama queen or that my life is full of drama. i think the things i post are pretty standard.

OP posts: