Bad responses to being told about an assault. Can you add yours?

[keepingmum121]

I am half think of writing a little 'piece' on what NOT to say to someone who confides in you that they have been assaulted.

It seems (at least from my experience) that so many people who are lucky enough not have suffered an assault are completely unaware of how psychologically damaging their words can be :(

Here are mine. All of these have been said to me and badly hindered my chances of recovery:

"Why didn't you [insert brilliant idea that it is now too late to do]?"

"Well, you were in a nightclub."

"Are you sure?"

"I think the thing to learn from this is not to be alone with a man unless you really know him."

"You should have known he'd want sex."

It is shocking, lotta.

When I was a child (11) I was attacked by a stranger on my way home from school in broad daylight. He didn't actually do much but he had me pushed up against a wall so that I couldn't get away while he assaulted me, and there was no-one around.

My mum reacted by telling me a story about when she was approached (not grabbed or touched) by a stranger when she was a couple of years older and in the company of another girl, and how they had shamed him into leaving them alone. Then my dad moved on to how I shouldn't have been there (quiet residential street in a good area).

So the message I took away was that I should have dealt with it, and anyway I had put myself in danger.

Needless to say I never mentioned anything like that to them again.

FolkGirl, your mother's comment about leaving the room is one of the most narcissistic and vile things I've read on here. I'm so sorry x

lotta thank you. She's actually done/said worse but I can't put it on here in case anyone recognises me.

She is utterly vile.