Bad responses to being told about an assault. Can you add yours?

[keepingmum121]

I am half think of writing a little 'piece' on what NOT to say to someone who confides in you that they have been assaulted.

It seems (at least from my experience) that so many people who are lucky enough not have suffered an assault are completely unaware of how psychologically damaging their words can be :(

Here are mine. All of these have been said to me and badly hindered my chances of recovery:

"Why didn't you [insert brilliant idea that it is now too late to do]?"

"Well, you were in a nightclub."

"Are you sure?"

"I think the thing to learn from this is not to be alone with a man unless you really know him."

"You should have known he'd want sex."

People need to be educated. It is damaging and dangerous.

Anything less than:

• absolute belief,
• validation,
• pointing the blame at the ONLY person who deserves it (the perp) and
• gentle words and offers of help (on the victim's terms) is so wrong!

It makes me want to scream and cry.

There is already so much battering down the victim. Traumatic stress, physical and emotional turmoil, an inadequate justice system... The last thing she needs is frenemies.

Sorry, I was already feeling angry about this but reading some of these posts is making my blood boil.

Oh, another thing I found really unhelpful and even a little insulting was the friend who decided that the way to go was to remind me of all the things in my life I should be grateful for. And how things could have been worse.

Doesn't she realise that all that does is make me feel guilty for feeling shit??

...with friends like these, who needs enemies?

I'm horrified by these responses and I'm so sorry you all had to suffer what happened to you.

"Well everyone gets a bit stressed with babies around, it's the lack of sleep isn't it love" - Police, after my ex pushed me down some stairs while I was holding tiny DD.

Mongoose, I am shocked! What happened then? Did you just drop your complaint? How many years ago was this?

'if he can touch you, why can't I'

From the police officer that I reported the assault to: 'Well.....but what were you wearing at the time?' I was too shaken up by the assault at the time to question that, but now I think. "What?? What was I wearing? What the fuck has what I was wearing got to do with the fact that at the age of 17 I was followed and grabbed in the street in broad daylight at 5pm on my way home from a doctor's appointment? That was the moment that made feminism such a part of who I am now.

From a counsellor: oh god, no wonder he tried to rape you - look at his upbringing, he had a terrible time as a child.

From my mum: I know you told us he was sexually abusing you, but you were always so dramatic as an early teenager, and some days you seemed to really enjoy his company (I used to try and be nice to him to see if that made him less likely to get angry and assault me)

"You'd look more traumatized if this was true, I don't believe you"

• from the police.

I never told my dad because, apart from anything else, he was of the opinion that women couldn't be raped because men needed both hands to do it and a woman could get away.

I told my mother about my rape 10 years after it happened. The ONLY thing she said was: "were you drinking?"

She hasn't said another word about it since.

Lois. I don't get the logic of that. At all.

Innocent. What you write makes me so sad. I personally do feel damaged and have often wished I'd been killed. I need people to contradict that thought over and over, not affirm it :(
Wow! People self blame enough as it is! They don't need others to add to it.

Ahh yes, I have been asked when I'm going to get over it too

Innocent - Did you always feel it is not shameful? Or did it take time to get there?
I am still thinking that way (about myself, not other people). I still feel stained and that no decent man would go near me with a barge pole.

I would have knocked him out from my sister when I told her about the 11 years of dv I had been thru
Also That would never happen to me yeah thanks sis

keepingmum me neither, but he completely believed that. I couldn't say "Well my rapist said he would kill me and at one point had his hands round my throat, so I just kept still in order to survive".

Dr x? NO he wouldnt. I dont believe it.

I was told 'well you do wind him up'. He said later that I had over exaggerated what went on and it was my fault as I was such a shit mother. Nice.

My mother on finding out that my little sister had been sexually abused as a child: "I'm glad your sister did not say anything at the time, it could have affected your father's VIP status."