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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bad responses to being told about an assault. Can you add yours?

104 replies

keepingmum121 · 24/06/2015 20:46

I am half think of writing a little 'piece' on what NOT to say to someone who confides in you that they have been assaulted.

It seems (at least from my experience) that so many people who are lucky enough not have suffered an assault are completely unaware of how psychologically damaging their words can be :(

Here are mine. All of these have been said to me and badly hindered my chances of recovery:

"Why didn't you [insert brilliant idea that it is now too late to do]?"

"Well, you were in a nightclub."

"Are you sure?"

"I think the thing to learn from this is not to be alone with a man unless you really know him."

"You should have known he'd want sex."

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 25/06/2015 22:30

From a guy I was really into:

"I can't get married with a girl who stuck her tongue in my mouth"

From my mum and one of my dear friends (on why I didn't commit to the guy above)
"It's not a problem, everyone looks at other women and the fact he was analysing some women boobs doesn't mean anything" words of mum.

"If you would give him he would analyse yours only" words of a friend.

InnocentWhenYouDream · 25/06/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoonboots · 27/06/2015 06:21

There's a name for this: secondary wounding. Thought it might help to know that Flowers

Kintsugi · 27/06/2015 06:40

"Dont be silly, your making it up" ..my mum to my ten year old self
"Yeah, but that was ages ago, Arnt you over it by now?" An assessor for counselling requirements at the doctors surgery.

Fauchelevent · 27/06/2015 07:18

Telling my best friend after I was assaulted by a suicidal work colleague that I accompanied home. "I know it's thrilling doing things we shouldn't so are you sure you didn't enjoy a small part of it" and "You really did fuck up. Don't tell your boyfriend unless you know it will never happen again."
Needless to say I didn't report it till months later since the only advice I got blamed me for "putting myself in that situation."

Hidsup · 27/06/2015 07:38

Exasperated sigh because an incident form might need completing. (Boss at work after a man had masturbated in front of me whilst I was alone at work overnight) followed by "what were you wearing" (uniform the same as usual)

If this was a couple of remarks in a whole conversation it wouldn't be great but this was the sole response when I divulged the event

FolkGirl · 27/06/2015 18:24

Attempted rape: "well it's your own fault for being out in the evening. What do you expect" (my mother)

Actual 'rape'/non consensual coercive sex with intimidation thrown in: told no one.

VernonGodLittle · 27/06/2015 19:44

My mother, when my sister told her about my uncle abusing her as a 4 year old. "No he didn't", Yet i was always told not to be "flashy" Confusedwhen he came to stay. My father telephoned our uncle and asked him did it happen. NO! the uncle said. My sister was branded a liar.

When my sister is 30, she tells my mother and I and I about a brutal rape she suffered when she was 18. Nobody moves to comfort her, except my 17 year old self. I don't understand why my mother pretends not to hear. According to her, that disclosure never happened.

I tell my mother about my ex attempting to rape me, at knife point. a bloody bread knife of all things. Blood pissing out nose he'd broken. "Why didn't you push him away? He's not very tall." she says.

This thread's brought an angry lump to my throat.

Flowers to all of you.

TtipParty · 27/06/2015 21:06

"so would you say You were a battered wife then?"

"are you sure he wasn't juSt making his presence felt?"

"well he,never assassaulted me."

Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 21:36

"Are you sure it was rape"

Ex, about a situation that happened pre him, where I woke up (having fallen asleep at a house party) with someone's hands round my throat and them fucking me.

Yep. I'd say that was rape.

Chicoleta · 27/06/2015 23:36

My DH is a serving member of the armed forces in The 81st.Many years ago he'd just been informed he was leaving for Afghanistan within 24 hours. We were living in Army accomodation in Amesbury on the Salisbury plains only 5 minutes from the camp, and he came home to give me the bad news.After a few hours of crying and himself consoling me,one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together, unbeknown to us though we were filmed through the bedroom window by his mates. A couple of weeks later I found out through a friend that the video had been doing the rounds at the camp.

As you can imagine,I was already in a dark place wondering if DH would make it home alive, and this tipped me over the edge.I stormed round the camp to confront Groucho the C.O. who told me not to worry as most of the 81st are( in his words),"batting for the other side", he also said I was to blame for leaving the curtains open. We lived on the 3rd floor of a block of flats ffs.

To make matters worse he asked would i mind autographing his dvd, I was bloody livid and threw a pot of tea at him.

sniderwoman81 · 28/06/2015 00:00

My DH also served in the 81st. I do hope we are talking of different men as I heard some wild tales about those good ol' flying boys, especially when they went on holliday together.

differentkindofpenguin · 28/06/2015 00:12

My ex's mum, who I really liked until then, thought she was a strong, sensible woman. When she found out her DS hit me on several occasions, and raped me, she told me she only left her XH, who used to batter her, when he raised his hand to the children, and that I should find it in my heart to forgive him....

Original poster
keepingmum121 · 29/06/2015 00:30

Thank you buttonmoonboots. Yes it really does help to know that there is a name for this. A very apt name too. I've been googling 'secondary wounding' and it is helping me.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 29/06/2015 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeepyMupp · 29/06/2015 08:40

From passing taxi driver who was driving past and ended up picking me and DD up off the street at night when fleeing an ex (not DDs father) who had beaten me badly and broken my nose..

" Shit, what happened ? Have you been hit by car ?" When I explained I got " Well, what did you do to make him react like that ? . What did you do to make him do that to you, that's a serious beating you got. " Shock

A few years before from DDs grandma when I tried to talk to her about her son's growing violence , she replied " Well I don't know what you and XXX ( then girlfriend of my ex's brother) do to wind my boys up so much to make them hit you !" Hmm WTF ? Says it all really doesn't it !

Blarblarblar · 29/06/2015 09:43

"Everyone makes mistakes when they are drunk"
"He's going to come in now and apologise" said as attackers partner bars my exit and he comes into room from other door. Que me going totally ape shit. Running around the room like a caged animal and eventually climbing out the window. It would be funny if it didn't still make my heart pound when I think about it. She stayed with him.

"Baby I am so sorry, what do you want to do"
"I love you" said by my mum who didn't doubt me for a second even though it was her best friends partner.
I have felt revulsion, anger and sadness but having my family on my side has been amazing. I don't feel guilty, if I ever meet anyone who knows him or works with him I tell them what he did. That might seem petty and it probably is but I can't forget and I don't want him too.
Reading this ive realised how lucky I am. I am so sorry this has happened to any of us.

ElizaPickford · 29/06/2015 09:49

"Great, this is the last thing this family needs right now." (DH after I finally plucked up courage to report my attacker after almost a decade. Not sure I'll ever forgive that comment!)

I can't remember my friend's exact words but she basically implied that I was in some way to blame for being drunk. (I had my drink spiked by someone I knew.)

You really do find out who your friends are. Hmm

mammabmamma · 30/06/2015 19:46

"It takes two."
"You're a right slapper who would open her legs to anyone."
Followed by saying "We are taking you to the police for all the real victims, you have to do it so it doesn't happen to anyone else. " but I was still a slapper??
Followed by taking my phone, phoning all my contacts and telling them what a slapper I was. Grounding me for 6 months, making my life hell, until I turned anorexic and ended up in hospital nearly dying. And generally putting me through years of abuse.

All from my stepmother, she's an evil, vile woman!

Blarblarblar · 30/06/2015 20:55

Yes she is. A disgusting sadistic bitch.

mammabmamma · 01/07/2015 13:20

Blarblarblar yes I think you're right.

FolkGirl · 04/07/2015 08:14

My mother also said that all women have sex with men they don't want to have sex with and have sex when they don't want to have sex. That it was just part of being a woman. And I was silly and naive to expect anything different.

For the record, this is not a message I am passing/have passed onto my children.

FolkGirl · 04/07/2015 08:22

Oh and my dad hit me regularly. I was terrified of him growing up.

In the last conversation I ever had with my mother she reminded me of this (as a way of illustrating that my dad was no better than the piece if shit she was/is currently fucking) you know, in case I'd forgotten...

Anyway, when I asked her why she had never cared enough to stop him, her reply was, "of course I cared! Didn't you notice how I left the room whenever it happened so I didn't have to see or hear it."

I've never felt violent towards anyone ever before, but I was so close to punching her in the face that I just got up and left and I've not spoken to her since.

Fucking nasty spiteful bitch.

FolkGirl · 04/07/2015 08:24

Not sure that last one counts as a respinse to being told about an assault, as she was always witness to it anyway. But it felt good to get it out.

Lottapianos · 04/07/2015 08:43

Jesus, this thread is horrifying. I find the comments from police and so called 'mothers' especially sickening. What a very messed up society we live in where views like these are so widespread.

This gem from my sister, after telling her that my ex had been violent - 'do you realise you have a serious problem with picking the wrong sort of men?'

If I were ever raped or assaulted in any way, I would never ever tell my family because I know that I would be blamed for it somehow. Heartless bastards.