Bad responses to being told about an assault. Can you add yours?

[keepingmum121]

I am half think of writing a little 'piece' on what NOT to say to someone who confides in you that they have been assaulted.

It seems (at least from my experience) that so many people who are lucky enough not have suffered an assault are completely unaware of how psychologically damaging their words can be :(

Here are mine. All of these have been said to me and badly hindered my chances of recovery:

"Why didn't you [insert brilliant idea that it is now too late to do]?"

"Well, you were in a nightclub."

"Are you sure?"

"I think the thing to learn from this is not to be alone with a man unless you really know him."

"You should have known he'd want sex."

"Well if a man can't hit his own wife who can he hit?" Thanks brother.

"Hm. Well, it was a long time ago now, anyway."

And responses similar to some of those that posters have already posted about - indicating disbelief, rationalising, minimising...

Oh, and: "You should be more angry about it."

My (involuntary) response to these responses was to shut down, really.

Thank you for starting this thread, keeping, and to other posters for posting.

"Things are never that black and white. It would have been partly your fault too"

"It can't have been all that traumatic. After all, you did have consensual sex with him the week before."

"You don't seem very upset."

Please add yours even if they've been said. It is interesting to find out which are the most common.

I am so sorry for all you on this thread that have been through such crap and then misunderstanding or even nastiness from the people who should be a comfort. :(

My sister was the victim of domestic violence and left her H to move back in with our parents. I don't know how tactless he was with her, although he did 'jokingly' move her place mat further down the table as she was a separated woman. However, he did say to me 'She's so placid, I don't know why he'd do that to her. I could have understood it more if it was you or your older sister'.

Some people have zero understanding of domestic violence or non-stranger rape - we must do something to deserve it, surely?

"You must be doing something to wind him up" police man after being assaulted by my violent, abusive ex p.

'Don't tell your dad,' 'you're making me feel guilty,' 'I had to earn money' (hence me being raped by her colleague was worth it) 'You need to get over it,' all said by my 'mother.'

'Women sexually assault men by wearing short skirts - said by former friend who all but admitted to being a rapist himself. His reasoning was that by dressing a certain way women invited rape.

'

"Id of punched the bastard"

"Why didnt you fight back"

" get over it you werent brutally raped or murdered"

Theres more but i cant really remember exact words.

"Well he didn't rape you why are you so upset?" "You're being a bit of a drama queen" said by friend after being assaulted in a nightclub. he had me round the throat when I said I wouldn't go home with him then sunk his teeth into my neck.
Other friend when she saw the bruises and the bitemark on my neck
"What did you do to deserve that ?"

Oh my goodness, this thread.

I would say, "Thank you for telling me. I'd like to help. Will we phone the police? Or will we talk more? Tell me what will help. I love you very much."

On a positive note (you have prompted me to say, ASAS), those friends who did and said the right things were like gold dust.

The ones who believe you.
The ones who don't assume that you should appear or behave in a certain way.
The ones who get that it takes time to process and are patient.
Those who validate that what happened was so so wrong (when the victim herself is minimising or trying to explain it away - out of sheer disbelief)

Unfortunately, you have the type of face that men will want to slap.

Said to me by BT Police Officer after a man on a train tried to rape me.

Parents said they were disgusted with ME! I was reading a bloody book on a train. How the hell was it my fault? I was treated like a leper and I will never forgive them.

Well if a man can't hit his wife, who can he hit?

How about hitting people who say stupid shit like that?

I was sent home from my residential college after being assaulted by a man in the street (and an ensuing huge fuss by the college and police - I didn't even report it to the police).

My father: "were you raped!?" [curt, nasty tone]

Me: "no...."

Him: "What are you doing here then".

I won't bother to go into how badly the police handled it and how incredibly rude they were to me. It was actually a fairly minor thing. When I was sexually assaulted in the park by another bloke later funnily enough I never mentioned it to anyone.

Oh, yes, my brother - as an adult, aged 37, I decided to tell him the truth (well, some of it) about the abuse I suffered from our father.

His comment at the end of my tearful story?

"You'll never make that stand up in court" (I hadn't said anything about court)

And when I explained about my depression and suicidal thoughts and how I "wrote suicide letters in my head" he said:

"I bet you never wrote one to me". That is a special sort of self centred, isn't it?

Two men tried to grope me in a city centre - I pushed them away and told them to 'piss off'.

My mother was horrified. That I'd sworn in public and acted 'common'. Absolutely no interest in the fact that two strangers had attempted to sexually assault me in broad daylight.

She's Catholic so if they'd succeeded in attacking me, I know full well she'd have disowned me for being a slut who brought it on herself, and the fact I failed to defend myself was proof I wanted it.

"Well if I were you I wouldn't make a fuss. You're lucky he wants you. No one else will"

It was only verbal assault stuff from my newish bf. But I believed my mother and went onto marry him and had another 12 or so years of emotional abuse and borderline physical (punching walls and blaming me for damage but at least he hadn't hit me...) and the occasional manhandling.

please tell us the responses you have found good and helpful as well.

Melon

One of the unexpected best responses I got was from one of the guy's friends. I never told him what happened until many years later and when I described the incident and said it was assault, he simply replied. 'It was. I'm sorry he put you through that'. It was so validating. It made me wish I'd told him sooner and had that support.

Said airily, by my landlady/friend just after I was raped, "Oh just think of it as a bad sexual experience and move on."

After my sexual assault, partly owing to the response I got from my college tutor when I'd plucked up the courage to tell someone I fell straight into a relationship at uni that was horribly emotionally abusive as my self esteem went through the floor. I told a course mate that I wanted to get out of the relationship as he made me feel like shit and I'd had enough and she said "well it's only words isn't it. You should be grateful he doesn't hit you. Although he'd really have to care to react violently when he can't cope with you so maybe it is best to move on".

Good response- a later boyfriend who just held me, told me I didn't do a thing to deserve anything that had happened and said lets talk about it, and if I didn't feel ready to, bring it up at any time, day or night, and he'd be there. for everyone.

I think what's really scary about telling people about abuse/assault is finding out that people you love and respect actually believe that in some cases women deserve to be assaulted, or that assault really isn't something to get worked up about. There is such bullshit out there about supporting victims etc but what I've learned is that when push comes to shove (literally) many many normal "decent" people just want to ignore abuse and violence and have no interest whatsoever in helping victims in any way.

The best response I had was from one of the long-standing well-known posters on MN who offered to talk to me about it and 'listened' to me over PM. One of the very few people who didn't just say "I'm here" - she actually meant it and followed through with it.

I only disclosed my rape to a close family member this year. I have to say that his attitude (to rape in general and me in particular) has created a rift between us that I don't think will be closed. It's sad. And eye-opening.