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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oddest thing take 2

43 replies

swifter · 15/11/2006 12:54

Didnt want to hi-jack QP's thread so thought I would just write here.

During a heated row on Saturday my OH turned round and punched me, catching me in the ribs. I was obviously howling, woke my baby up from his sleep, my neighbours came round and found us on the floor (OH sobbing etc) all very hideous and humiliating. Anyway asked him to leave, he wouldnt. We were picking friends up from the station at three as they were coming for the weekend. he wouldnt cancel there visit. I went to a & e, they said it was broken and i had to rest. Then had to entertain our guests which was awful.

Anyway it was so bizarre, so out of character. No excuse. However I am so not sure how to behave. I kind of just want to forget about it and get on with things but want him to suffer in a way. he is obv remorseful but carrying on as normal.

Just feel a bit sad really.

Anyway just thought i'd get it of my chest x

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 15/11/2006 13:01

if you forget about it you are giving him the message that he can get away with it. makes it more likely that it will happen again. easier to say than to do, i know, but i really think you should make him leave - if only temporarily while you talk and have time to think. if he wont go, you could think about asking the police for help.

'carrying on as normal' (aka brushing it under the carpet) is how a slap turns into regular violence. you really need to take action at the first time. zero tolerance.

lulumama · 15/11/2006 13:09

how absolutely awful and terrifying........

has he apologised..acknowledged he has broken your bones...? that is serious stuff... i am not one for..oh,leave him , he';s a bastard..but breaking bones, even if he did not mean to hit that hard is a different ball game..

shame you had friends there and had to ignore it..you must talk..and decide if you can move on from this....

so hard.....has he acknowledged this?

tortoise · 15/11/2006 13:13

How terrible for you. Was there absolutly nothing that triggered him to hit you? If there wasn't then that is very worrying.
At least if you know why it happened,you can discuss what help is needed.
Have you reported it to the police just so its on record? And taken photos of any bruising just so you have proof if god forbit he ever did it again?

gigglinggoblin · 15/11/2006 13:17

the fact that he is ignoring this would worry me hugely. and i would not have entertained friends. if he refused to call them i would have rung them and said sorry, dh has just broken my rib im going to have to call it off. he should be doing everything he can to make things better, ignoring it means he thinks he did nothing wrong and you ignoring it shows him he is right. if he refuses to try and mend things i would not hesitate to call the police, at least to get it logged incase it happens again. i am gobsmacked that he cares so little and you are letting him off so lightly!

MrsApron · 15/11/2006 13:22

by pretending everything is fine you are condoning it.

you and he have to confront it and agree what is going to happen. tell people you know about it do not cover it up. if it happens again if he physically intimidates you bin him.

Original poster
swifter · 15/11/2006 13:28

I dont think I am condoning his behaviour just trying to get my head around it all before i decide what to do. He has of course acknowledged his behaviuor, has said that he will go to counsiling (sp) but it just doesnt seem enough somehow? I am trying not to take it out of context and be too dramatic. I dont even feel angry towards im yet just sad

OP posts:
Overrun · 15/11/2006 13:30

poor you swifter, thats awful. No advice really, but as you say, it sounds like an awful experience that shouldn't just be allowed to fade away

Dior · 15/11/2006 13:30

Message withdrawn

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 15/11/2006 13:31

errrmmm he broke you rib!!!!

you don't brake a rib by 'catching' someone in the ribs... I was kicked square in the ribs by a naffing great horse once - couldn't get up as it knowcked the wind out of me so badly... nothing was broken... don't condone his behaviour by playing it down - he broke at least one of your ribs!!!!!

lulumama · 15/11/2006 13:32

must be so hard to know what to think and feel swifter,,,

womens' aid

\link{http://www.refuge.org.ukrefuge}

these websites can help

lulumama · 15/11/2006 13:32

refuge

Original poster
swifter · 15/11/2006 13:39

i dont know what to say to you all, I am usually of the bin him and dont let anyone treat you like that camp and I am a confident, bright woman, however this has really knocked me for six (literally!)

I do love him, we have a happy life together and a beautiful son. We were in the midst of a horrible row about money, I called him a dick and he retaliated by turning and punching me. I dont think he meant to get me in the ribs or to hit me so hard...ARrrrrrrrrrrrrgh i sound like a loser!

OP posts:
MrsApron · 15/11/2006 13:51

i've been there swifter (previous partner) domestic violence relies on you covering it up. I really hope that it was a one off and not the beginning of a change in behaviour.

as for whether he meant to hit you less hard or somewhere else? he hit you, he meant to hit you because he was angry and he really hurt you.

i have a permanent dent in my ribs due to something similar i know how hard he must have hit you.

i hope you get it sorted out.

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2006 13:54

for you swifter, you must be very confused. if you did phone Women's Aid they'd at least be able to advise you what your options are and maybe help clear your head a little? i'd be gutted that he's not on the floor prostrate with remorse....

Original poster
swifter · 15/11/2006 14:10

Thanks ladies, I think i am gutted he isn't chocked with guilt and borderline suicidal that he could have done such a thing to the mother of his child! like QP said in her thread, i think the first wave of remorse has gone.

I am covering up for him, I know. Not one of my friends know, i just spoke to MIL and said I fell and thats how I had broken my ribs. Felt ashamed and embaressed for him as well as me

OP posts:
Mell2 · 15/11/2006 14:30

Oh Swifter

Please don't underplay what he has done. You have nothing to feel ashamed and embarrassed about - that is for your dh to feel.

I really hope he is going to get counselling as you do not deserve this.

[hugs]

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2006 14:53

I think you are also downplaying what has happened out of fear and shame.

He did not have to hit you and you in no way "asked for it". Okay so you called him a name, that is no jusitification for him doing what he did to you though is it.

Please seriously consider talking to Womens Aid.

Thinkstoomuch · 15/11/2006 15:12

I might be wrong, but are you perhaps thinking that domestic violence is something that doesn't happen to people like you?

Thinking in stereotypes about this issue is something we're all potentially guilty of, picturing some habitually battered poor cow as the typical victim. With QP's thread too (been lurking) there's a theme of total disbelief and not wanting to be 'that woman'. And none of us want to think of our partners as being the sort of person who'd do it.

Please remember that he's assaulted you and that that is outrageous and shameful. That shame is his, not yours, so please don't collude with him by keeping it secret from your friends and family or making any excuses for him.

Thinkstoomuch · 15/11/2006 15:33

Sorry, I put that all too pompously - I mean the same as others have said that please don't downplay what's happened.

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 15/11/2006 15:38

In your OP you state it was broken (implication 1 rib) now you are saying 'ribs' can I ask how many of your ribs he broke? you must be in agony!

Original poster
swifter · 15/11/2006 17:24

I think I am tryin to downplay it your all right. I hate to think of it as domestic violence but know that it is. He has just sent me some flowers and bought me a bottle of champers as I got a job yesturday. want to ram the champagne where the sun dont shine TBH!!

Mascara,I didnt mean to say ribs, it was one rib- not that that really makes a difference

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 15/11/2006 18:19

Oh Swifter, what an awful thing to happen to you. It happened to me too and it's such a horrible horrible shock.

From the sounds of things, your OH doesn't understand how much of a shock, just how much he has hurt you and what damage he has done to your relationship. It's pretty important that he does understand this.

You mustn't cover up for him. I know why you're doing it - embarrassment, shame, how can you justify staying with him to your family, friends etc - but by saying you walked into a door (or whatever), you are definitely letting him know that you're ok with his behaviour. That is really what you are saying to him by not being open - that's it's ok for him to wallop you.

It's so hard to confront because it could open a massive, life changing can of worms which seems unnecessary because it's only happened the once and is out of character etc. It could happen again though.

Perhaps you should have a frank and open conversation with him about what happened and that he should leave for a few days. He should understand the massive gravity of what he's done and I'm concerned he doesn't.

You need space yourself to think things through, to calm down, not to be frightened and to perhaps confide in one trusted friend. I did and it really helped me.

I also think you should go to the doctor's and get a medical report so that there is a record of this violence.

Take care.

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2006 18:20

it really doesn't make a difference at all, swifter. shit, i can't imagine what i'd do if my dh did that to me... you must feel totally at a loss.

Original poster
swifter · 15/11/2006 18:35

winky and aitch, thank you. I had to go to a and e as was in real ain (no dramatics, was in pain!) and they asked me how i did it and i told the truth so they have it on record. They gave me a load of literature on domestic violence and the nurse said 'oh things do change when you have kids dont they??!!' wtf!

anyway he is upstairs bathing my boy, pretending to be father of the year. am starting to feel now!

your right winky i dont want to tell anyone as i know we will prob stay together and i dont want the dynamics of all our relationships to change i s'pose x

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 15/11/2006 18:38

Swifter, you know im in no position to give any real advice, but, ((hugs)) xxxxxxx These guys are really helpful ((more hugs)) xxxxx

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