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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oddest thing take 2

43 replies

swifter · 15/11/2006 12:54

Didnt want to hi-jack QP's thread so thought I would just write here.

During a heated row on Saturday my OH turned round and punched me, catching me in the ribs. I was obviously howling, woke my baby up from his sleep, my neighbours came round and found us on the floor (OH sobbing etc) all very hideous and humiliating. Anyway asked him to leave, he wouldnt. We were picking friends up from the station at three as they were coming for the weekend. he wouldnt cancel there visit. I went to a & e, they said it was broken and i had to rest. Then had to entertain our guests which was awful.

Anyway it was so bizarre, so out of character. No excuse. However I am so not sure how to behave. I kind of just want to forget about it and get on with things but want him to suffer in a way. he is obv remorseful but carrying on as normal.

Just feel a bit sad really.

Anyway just thought i'd get it of my chest x

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 15/11/2006 18:46

But Swifter, your relationship has changed because he hit you.

You'll find that when you row again - and you will because it's normal - you will wonder if he'll hit you and you'll be frightened. It's not a great way to live.

My DH knows that if he ever does it again, I'm calling the police, his entire family, my entire family and the world. He can't afford for that to happen. He knows his behaviour was completely unacceptable and I believe he won't do it again a year on. BUT when we row, I still shudder in case he does do it again.

It's not about making threats - it's about making it clear how it is right now between you, why it's like that, how it should be and how you are both going to work towards making it how it should be.

Sorry if I sound like I'm lecturing. I don't mean to. I just know how frightening it is. If you don't do anything about it now then your relationship will be affected much more.

Original poster

swifter · 15/11/2006 19:19

your not lecturing and i appreciate you taking the time to help! I know OUR relationship has changed. We have had the 'it will never ever happen again' and have told him that if it does I am a gonner. But do you think they ever believe that?

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2006 20:11

well without being too harsh you've not given him much reason to think that will be the case yet...

Original poster

swifter · 15/11/2006 20:54

think maybe a bit harsh!! have a 15 mnth to consider and TBH yes I could chuck DH out and weep and warble and throw myself around but I haven't the inclination or the energy to do so.

OP posts:

divastrop · 15/11/2006 20:55

its always a shock the first time it happens,especially when you think you could never possibly be a battered wife cos you are a strong independant woman who doesnt take any crap(thats what i thought).
my exp was hitting me regularly for 2 years before i told anybody cos i was so ashamed and didnt want to listen to people telling me to leave him,because i didnt want to.i just wanted him to change and be nice to me.if i told people it would make it 'real' and i would have felt pressured into leaving.
my xp was 'sorry' and 'going to get councelling' the first couple of times he hit me but after a while he realised he was getting away with it so it became'normal',in fact he expected me to apologise to him for 'winding him up'or 'starting a row'

i'm not saying your oh is like that atall,just that you have to lay down the law with him now so he knows what he did was out of order.he did something very wrong and if you want to tell the world then do so,you have done nothing wrong-please remember that.

Original poster

swifter · 15/11/2006 21:20

diva i know you are right. think i am going to go away to see my best friend this weekend and take time out, i so hope this never hasppens ever again. i am contacting womens aid to see what my options are.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 15/11/2006 22:07

I really feel for you Swifter.What he did was out of order but also out of character. There always seems to be the assumption that it will happen again and I don't know whenther it's right or wrong- has anyone had a partner who has hit them once like this and then never since? Half of me thinks that anyone can lose it sometimes and deserves understanding, if not forgiveness; the other half thinks that it will get worse and that you should get out or seek help whilst you can.
Whatever you do I hope it works out

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2006 22:32

i think that there must be people who lash out once and then don't do it again, but i would probably expect to see more penitence from that person than swifter's DH seems to be showing at the moment. but maybe he is so ashamed he's covering it up with a bit of bravado, who knows?
i didn't mean to piss you off, swifter, you're having a grim enough time of it without any added grimness from me. but if you're asking me if he'll believe that you'll leave if he ever does it again, then i'd have to say that given what you've done so far, he probably doesn't. it must be very difficult knowing what to do next, that's why i'd suggest phoning Women's Aid for advice (they might be shite, though, the quality of staff varies wildly). will you be fit enough to go to a friend's house? i don't know how sore a broken rib is, but it doesn't sound nice.

divastrop · 15/11/2006 22:57

my mum told me that my dad(god rest his soul)once slapped her face in an argument.it was so obvious from the bruising that she told my grandad what had happened and my dad was crapping it!anyway,that was the one and only time in 9 years he did anything like that,and that was back in the 70's when such things were swept under the carpet.that is the only case o know of where it didnt happen again,though im sure there must be others.
my exh used to punch walls etc in arguments,then he physically attacked me once.i had him charged etc but i did take him back,but i found i couldnt trust him after that,i was walking on eggshells all the time afraid of arguing with him in case it happened again so i ended up throwing him out 3 months later(there was alot of other crap also to do with lying/gambling/porn watching).
but in my 2 previous abusive relationships the violence wasnt 'out of character',i just hadnt got to know the men well enough before embarking on serious relationships.

i dont think that a man who flips out of the blue on one occasion is a serial wife-beater,only you know your oh,and im sure if what he did wasnt 'him' then you will be able to get through it,as long as you stay strong and dont be tempted to take responsibility for his actions.

Fattymumma · 15/11/2006 23:04

i think everyone here knows my situation so wont go over it all again but if you do want to chat off board then please please feel free
Fattiemumma @ msn . com

if you have a broken rib he bloody well hit you hard! i went through years of severe abuse and i never got a broken rib.

the fact thathe then made you entertain guests and refused to leave tells me he couldn't have been that bothered by whathe had done.

You really do need to leave, however you try and resolve what happend as out of character this will happen again. it may not be for another 3 years but it will happen.

you have three choices, A) leave B) get him help for his anger and see if it helps at all C) do nothing and send the message that its ok to hit me every now and then as long as i beleive its partly my own fault and/or its out of character.

i stayed for 6 years, please be smarter than me!

TeamC · 15/11/2006 23:12

Ooh Swifter you poor thing.
Have been there too with ex hub although was mainly being pushed around and verbal abuse rather than being hit. The fear it will happen again can be just overwhelming and makes it really difficult to raise any issues you might have because it might escalate into violence.
Having said that, in my case, the violence did stop for a couple of years (not quite sure why?!), and I eventually left him for other, many and varied, reasons
So ... it is possible for the violence to stop ... but more usual for it to continue. If I was you, I'd want to talk it over rather than just receive pressies and hear apologies. Make him talk about what he will do in the future if he gets that angry again, how will he calm himself down or how can he vent his anger without resorting to violence.
Eek, don't know if this will help at all.

Original poster

swifter · 16/11/2006 08:13

morning! it makes me feel so sad to read that so many women (just like me) go through abuse. Last night i had too much to drink and just got upset and he told me to'shut my mouth' (again really unlike him) so i went and had a bath and went to bed. This morning he has gone swimming acting like nothing has happened.

I am concerned that this is indicative of something else. He isnt working at the moment but starts a new job soon. So money is tight. Maybe he is having an affair? or maybe he is just a nasty bastuard.

i want to go away this weekend but dont want to leave my baby. a broken rib is very sore aitch but because people cant actually see the injury i dont think they think its that bad (IYKWIM) my 15 month has no concept of how painful it is when he goes to hug me and digs his knee in my rib!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

swifter · 16/11/2006 08:15

also for anger management classes, can your GP refer you?

OP posts:

Mell2 · 16/11/2006 10:16

Morning Swifter - i must admit i do feel afraid for you. Telling you to shut your mouth does not sound like a person who is remorseful.

Please think about what you want to do next. Is it possible to go to your friends with your baby this weekend?

Original poster

swifter · 16/11/2006 10:38

Hi mel- well the baby goes to nursery this morning and we have just sat down for an hour and chatted quite calmly about what has happened. He has acknowledged how much he hurt me and says that he is devastated that he is capable of such a thing. He has agreed to speak to the respect people and wants to go through the www later to see how we can look at ways of dealing with anger issues (time out etc)

I have told him if this was to happen again, i WILL call the police and tell all of our families and will leave him and take my baby with me. He did seem genuinly shocked at this, tears etc. But who knows. I want to try and draw a line under this. Its exhausting and makes me

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 16/11/2006 11:08

good luck, then, dear swifter. i'd heard broken ribs are sore, i take it you won't be able to pick up the baby? how does the baby feel about that?

Mell2 · 16/11/2006 11:31

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Take care xxxxxxxxxx

WinkyWinkola · 16/11/2006 18:38

Well done you for tackling your DH on this, Swifter.

His being shocked at your saying what you'll do if it happens again is kind of telling. He wasn't really taking your hurt seriously. Perhaps now he will. I hope so because a broken rib is unbelievable!

You must have lots of thoughts spinning round in your head. Could you not take your baby with you to your friend's for the weekend?

Anyway, I hope that you feel that you've managed to sort things out a bit and that it never ever happens again.

Take care.

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