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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To want to save this marriage?

69 replies

RosehipHoney · 09/06/2015 23:04

My husband of nine years says he no longer loves me, and has been feeling that way since just after we got married. We have an eleventh month old, and were planning number two when this announcement came completely out of the blue. He refuses counselling, and veers between wanting to sell the house and live separately together, for childcare (we were planning to cover this between us on my imminent return to work). I desperately want to be able to fix this, but how do I do that if he isn't interested in trying? Feels like the last nine years are tainted now, and that he is ruining the future we had planned for our child. But...marriage vows are sacred, and I signed up to love and to honour... He denies stress/depression/affair etc.
Do people get through experiences like this?

OP posts:

BeenWondering · 09/06/2015 23:11

It's honestly time to call it a day. It's been 9 years and he is telling you who he is and how he feels. He doesn't want to go to counselling and he says he no longer loves you.

It hurts, no one denies that. It does hurt. But you have to draw the line somewhere and look after yourself and your DC.

If you can get this thread moved to the Relationships board then do so.

You deserve to be loved, respected and treated as an equal. He is currently treating you as if you're a toy to be picked up and dropped at leisure.

steff13 · 09/06/2015 23:11

I don't have any advice, but I'm going through the same thing, except it's been 20 years for me. Lots of couples go through it and come out fine. There are lots of books on repairing your marriage alone. We're going to counseling, but I'm also preparing for the worst. Good luck, it's fairly devastating. You can PM if you want.

maddening · 09/06/2015 23:17

A lot of the time when you see this happen in relationships there is someone else - could that be a possibility - can you talk to him about what promoted this if he has been unhappy for 9 yrs and gone through having a baby while feeling that way - I realise sometimes people do just go through the motions but if you have not sensed anything for 9 years inc the trying for babies then so sudden out of the blue is odd - plus the unwillingness to discuss it.

pinkdelight · 09/06/2015 23:17

Sorry but it very much sounds like he's got someone else, whatever he's denying. That utter refusal to be constructive about it and rewriting of history sounds like he's committed to a story to excuse his actions. Yanbu to want to work at the marriage but he has to be straight with you first and that won't be simple. Definitely head to Relationships and get more ongoing support.

ollieplimsoles · 09/06/2015 23:17

Op I'm so.sorry this is happening to you I didn't want to read and run but I don't have any experience to draw from.

You deserve to be happy with someone who loves you, your husband has at least been honest with you and tried to settle things for the sake of your dc. I agree you have your 11 month old to focus on now, that's the best thing you can do and I would try my hardest to put all my attention on that in your position. Easier said than done though I know.

I hope the situation moves forward in a way that means you can move on and start to heal.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 09/06/2015 23:22

Nope. No chance. A marriage needs two willing partners. If one is not willing then it isn't a marriage.

You should honour his wishes. His wish is to be not married.

It is crap. But it is what it is.

Frankly you should be bloody furious with him for getting you pregnant with the first when he actually wanted to split up. However I rather suspect he didn't want to then, I rather suspect he has someone else in the wings. In general, men only leave when they've got the next one lined up.

Lovelydiscusfish · 09/06/2015 23:25

Sounds like depression to me. Or an affair? What's your gut feel, OP?
It just sounds implausible that he would have been out of love with you for 9 years but given you no inkling, even when you had your child, and would then out of the blue, for no external reason, decide to reveal it now.
Are you still in love with him?

PoundingTheStreets · 09/06/2015 23:26

You're not being unreasonable to want to save the marriage, but it is unrealistic. There are two people in a relationship and it takes two to make it work. If your H is not on board, you owe it to yourself (and your DC) to take control of your future happiness without your H. The damage you will do to your self-esteem desperately trying to 'win' back a man who doesn't want you will be crushing, and ironically it is likely to make him want you even less.

You have an 11-month-old. S/he is young enough to grow up never remembering life with your H as a permanent fixture, so the damage can be minimal if you are resolute about building a good life as a single parent. And it can be done - A happy, stable single-parent household is IMO far superior to a two-parent one in which one or both partners are miserable.

I know it hurts. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Then pick up the pieces and build the life you deserve.

whois · 09/06/2015 23:34

Whatever you do don't split up but contine to live together to share childcare. That will just muddy the waters and cause much more hurt in the long run.

Cinderling · 09/06/2015 23:35

I don' t think we mums always give enough thought to the adjustment that men have to go through when they become fathers. It's not as dramatic as the transition that we face but it can be a huge upheaval for them. Your relationship is at a very vulnerable stage. Having a baby is like exploding a bomb in the middle of your relationship. So on the grounds that your relationship is probably going through it's most difficult patch I think it is absolutely worth putting up a fight.

Twistedheartache · 09/06/2015 23:44

My ex came out with the same spiel last year. Unhappy for years blah blah. Especially since DD1 was born.
He moved out in March & moved in with Ow last month having been with her the weekend before dd2 was born & when she was 2.5 weeks old.

So many similar tales since on here.
You can't change his mind for him so focus on you & baby.

Look at practical things like money/house/contact as well. What do you want. Take control of what you can.

Good luck

PoundingTheStreets · 09/06/2015 23:51

Cinderling - he is more likely to make the adjustment if he sees his wife responding as a strong, capable woman who will get on with her life without him if he won't participate.

There doesn't have to be anger, bitterness and a no-going-back approach, but putting your life on hold desperately hoping that someone will adjust is a bad idea IMO unless there is at least some indication that you both want the same outcome. The OP's H has baldly stated he doesn't love the OP anymore and hasn't for most of their marriage.

The old adage that you don't know what you've got until it's gone is very true. The best chance the OP has to get her H back is to leave him IMO. And if that doesn't work, at least she'll have taken the first steps towards a happier life on her own.

I have limited sympathy with fathers 'adjusting'. Yes, it is difficult for new fathers, as it is for new mothers. I wouldn't take that away from them, especially as they don't have the same rights in law to help them make that adjustment. However, save for PND - and even then the woman has to take responsibility for managing her condition in order to overcome it - mothers are by and large just expected to get on with it or to seek support if they're finding it difficult. I see no reason why fathers shouldn't have to do the same, especially when they're starting with an advantage of not having a physical recovery to contend with as well.

Fatmomma99 · 09/06/2015 23:56

Rosehip, that is horrific. I'm so sorry.

I can't offer advice, because I don't know enough, but I wish you all the best for your future happiness. And just to say - if you put your DC first you can't go wrong. Good luck and

(sorry that's so rubbish, but I don't feel I have advice to offer you, but didn't want to read and run. All the best)

NameChange30 · 09/06/2015 23:57

"I don't think we mums always give enough thought to the adjustment that men have to go through when they become fathers. It's not as dramatic as the transition that we face but it can be a huge upheaval for them."

Say what now?! You may feel that way but I'm sure many mums would disagree with you.

I'm not a parent so I might be missing something but I always thought becoming a parent was pretty life-changing, whether you're male or female!

Original poster

RosehipHoney · 10/06/2015 00:11

Pretty sure not having an affair. He denies depressed, though certainly demonstrates some of the signs. He has been in the spare room for ten weeks now, and for the time being appears to be planning on staying in the house. I just want my lovely husband back. I don't believe for a second that he has been unhappy for long. Does couples counselling work? Can you go alone? How am I ever going to recover from my husband telli me this?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/06/2015 00:27

You should definitely go to counselling even if your husband refuses to go with you and you go alone. If you find a good counsellor it will help you process what's happening and move on.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2015 00:40

If he's done, there's nothing you can do to bring him back. If he truly hasn't loved you since shortly after you were married, then he hasn't been your lovely husband for some time. He's been someone who has been deceiving you and living a lie. Sad, but there it is.

Whether or not there's an OW really isn't relevant, at least not right now. If he wants to go, the best thing to do is just let him go as gracefully as you can. Then see the best divorce lawyer you can afford.

I agree with going to counseling. You're going to need an objective sounding board and help through this. I'd also recommend seeking support in RL, a good friend or relative who has a good shoulder to lean on.

MrsSheRa · 10/06/2015 00:59

Cinderling "it's not as dramatic as the transition we face"

Speak for yourself, it was the most drastic transition of my fucking life thanks

So sorry this is happening Op. After all this time I don't know if anything can be done.

MrsSheRa · 10/06/2015 01:02

Omg Cinderling I totally misread your comment. My upmost apologies

contractor6 · 10/06/2015 06:48

Hi, sorry to hear what going through, by your post guessing it came as a shock, is there anyway can have a trial separation and is there somewhere you can go away to to get head around it?

AuntieStella · 10/06/2015 06:53

OP: I really don't think AIBU is a good place for a thread of this type. You might want to get it moved to a better topic ('relationships', or if for some reason you don't want it there, then 'chat')

SoldierBear · 10/06/2015 06:55

This happened to me. He came home, announced he felt trapped and moved out. I was just out of hospital and he'd spent that week arranging a flat etc. he refused to talk. We met twice after that. nearly 30 years disappeared just like that.
No advice, just loads of sympathy.
My life did move on and I'm very happy now. You do have a future.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/06/2015 06:56

You can't fix this on your own. If he has no motivation to change, I think your relationship is over. I would prioritise:

Getting financial info together, finding out what you're entitled to on separation and as a sole parent claiming benefits/tax credits.
Getting him to move out.
Counselling for you.

Sorry op, this is horrible.

worserevived · 10/06/2015 06:59

'My husband of nine years says he no longer loves me, and has been feeling that way since just after we got married'

Is the line used by pretty much all DH's when they are having an affair, mine included. They also deny there is anyone else. Put that together with the fact statistically the majority of first affairs coincide with the birth of the first child I'd say that's probably your answer.

Would you want to stay in this marriage, even if the above was the case? If yes, your best course of action is to tell him that if he no longer loves you well, sod him, he has to move out as you aren't going to accept anything less than his commitment and love. There is nothing like a dose of hard reality to make men wake up to what they stand to lose.

What he expects you to do is cry and beg him to stay at home, and promise to change yourself to fit in with his exact expectation of what a perfect wife should be. Don't do this. It's demeaning and other than flattering his ego will gain nothing.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2015 07:00

He needs to shit or get off the pot. If he wants out of the marriage then he needs to find somewhere else to live and start telling people. I know that's not what you want but to retain your dignity you need to push him on this. Having him just mope about in the spare room for months on end will kill you. It's also making it too easy for him - he still gets to see the kids, benefit from your cooking/cleaning/whatever you do.

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