To want to save this marriage?

[RosehipHoney]

My husband of nine years says he no longer loves me, and has been feeling that way since just after we got married. We have an eleventh month old, and were planning number two when this announcement came completely out of the blue. He refuses counselling, and veers between wanting to sell the house and live separately together, for childcare (we were planning to cover this between us on my imminent return to work). I desperately want to be able to fix this, but how do I do that if he isn't interested in trying? Feels like the last nine years are tainted now, and that he is ruining the future we had planned for our child. But...marriage vows are sacred, and I signed up to love and to honour... He denies stress/depression/affair etc.
Do people get through experiences like this?

Sorry to be blunt op but the more I think about your dh the more angry I get. I don't think he is a 'lovely husband' or whatever signs he shows. He needs to stop messing you about, causing you more stress. I would move this forward for the sake of your dd, and not let him fester in the spare room.

Is he good with your dd or is he distant?

This happened to me OP except my daughter was 6 months old when my ExH turned round and said he didn't love me anymore and hadn't felt 'right' about us for a long time. I was shocked and wanted to try and save our marriage. I believed he was depressed and we went for counselling which he agreed to. It soon became very clear that his heart wasn't in it and I knew that it was a tick box exercise for him, he had left already in his head.

He moved out when DD was a year old, the theory was that we'd have some space and choose to spend time with each other but it never happened.

In the end he pretty quickly shacked up with the younger woman from work and married her within a year of us being divorced when my DD was 3.

Personally I agree with a PP that you now need to be practical and prepare for the worst as it sounds very much that your H (I'll not use D!) has checked out already, whether or not there is someone else involved.

In my case I went back to work full time and although this wasn't what I wanted it was the most sensible thing I could have done. It enabled me to eventually buy my own place and be financially independent.
Also gather your good and strong friends around you, you'll need them and they will be worth their weight in gold.

You will be mourning the loss of your 'lovely' H and your relationship but in the end you will be thankful that he showed his cards now and you could move on early in your child's life and they know no different.

You will be happy again but it will take time. My DD is now 7, I've been living happy and independently for 5 and been seeing my DP for nearly 3 years and we're moving in together soon. It certainly feels now that ExH did me a huge favour although it ripped my world apart at the time.

you can't save a marriage on your own. Please be careful that you don't run yourself ragged (in an emotional sense) trying to be whatever it is he says he wants whilst he sits back and watches for his own amusement. Because believe me, it WILL amuse him having you run around doing whatever it is he wants you to.

Like others who have been in a similar situation, I would be very surprised if there wasn't another woman involved somewhere. I am afraid my gut instincts on this issue let me down dreadfully - probably because I didn't want to face it. Some years later, I now know that there were most definitely 'signs' but I guess I chose to ignore them.

Sounds like he's trying to get away from the responsibility of parenthood. He's obviously compartmentalised, and is now rewriting the whole history of your time together eg "I never loved you anyway"

I just don't get these Peter Pan men, but it's his loss. Ask him to leave, and try to start detaching. It's bloody horribly hard. Wishing you good luck & strength

get him out of the house, OP. At the moment he's having his cake and eating it. If you allow him to hang round it will be incredibly painful. He needs to understand the reality of his decision.

God thats my ex almost word for word. Except I had just come out of hospital with a nasty miscarriage.
I was so terrified that he was really depressed, I called relate, the samaritans, his mother. He gave me a list of flats he thought I might like and disappeared for a couple of days.... straight to another womans house.
I honestly never would think he would cheat, we were best friends etc etc.
Anyway! The next 2 years were pretty rough but its the best thibg that evwr happened to me, im with a man who makes me so much happier and I'm a hell of a lot more confident now.
Yoy will be alright but you need him out, he cant dangle himself in front of you, thats not fair.

I'm going to be honest here and say it sounds like in parts I have been where your husband is now. My relationship was fading before I even had my DD then I had my DD though she was not planned. It initially got better and my feelings towards him and between us changed. We had a baby and it initially brought us together more but over time it caused a huge divide. He no longer got the love and especially not the attention and he really struggled to cope with it. What someone said earlier about men adapting once we have children we have 9 months of this baby bonding with it inside us and we already feel a close close bond to it before a baby is even born Men don't get that part of it. I can say myself that I probably pushed him away more once our DD was born.

To me it felt like it was over there was nothing left and it wasn't sudden as I'd thought it over and over but I guess I just plodded on through life being too scared to leave. I was unhappy with my life but I didn't want to break the family we had up. To him it was sudden and out of the blue but I guess I didn't know how to deal with the situation I was faced with.

"Men come out with this stuff when having an affair" what about women?
I can say I was not having an affair but people change and although it may seem sudden to him it probably hasn't been but I think Men more so than women even struggle to express their feelings. Is it quite possible that in actual fact he felt like this a long time and without you knowing checked out of the relationship so to speak?

I have been here and it's sad for people all round, I should have left sooner and not been living a lie and probably further hurting him (Though I was in a controlling relationship so that didn't help because I was so scared to leave.)

People drift apart and people move on if that is ultimately what someone decides you can only go with that decision as heartbreaking as that maybe.

We are both in better places have both moved on with our lives we are friends and we probably get on now more than we ever did before more so for the sake of our DD. It doesn't have to be anger and frustration the full time, we both could have done things differently in the relationship we realise that now not enough to be together but enough to learn from it.

I am sorry to be really blunt - and I hope I am wrong too - but it sounds as if he has found someone else. It classic, ' I don't love you anymore ' etc etc. I feel for you as 9 years is a lot of time and effort in a marriage and its not going to be pleasant sorting out the logistics of it all when there are children to think about too. I am sorry - I am sure there will be lots of good advice on here on what to do next. Worserevived above puts it better than me.

My sister had been though stuff like this with her husband. He's a really good. lovely man but he has some emotional baggage from his childhood that has been hard for him to deal with and makes it difficult for him to express love.
The last time was about 2 years ago, they've been able to work through it and come out the other end.
Your marriage is important, especially now that you have a child together and if you are both committed then you can work it out. Don't not try and save your marriage.

IME men very very rarely leave women unless there is another one lined up. Sound sexist I know, but I have seen it over and over.

Again, and this is only my experience, when a man claims he no longer loves his wife there is someone else involved.

I am sorry you are going through this but it doesn't sound fixable to me as he has checked out

In general, men only leave when they've got the next one lined up.

Wtf! Where did that little pearl of wisdom come from? And how is it helpful?

Agree U2.

" men very very rarely leave women unless there is another one lined up"

who says ?
not helpful at all.
I've known several including my ex H .

shirely I think we all know it's not an exact science but U2 mentioned that it was just their opinion ergo it's not documented researched evidence. It's just another way the OP can look at her situation.

I still think thread should be moved to Relationships and if OP is still here please have a look at Hobbits Bar: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2393303-HOBBIT-S-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-10

There you will find no end of support and others at various stages.

Wtf! Where did that little pearl of wisdom come from? And how is it helpful? I think that pearl of wisdom is on a par with "drop an egg and it will break". Very occasionally it might not be true....

It happens time and time again on the relationship threads, the woman says, "no, he must be depressed, he's not like that" then a few pages later in the thread reveals she's found out about the OW, My H of 24 yrs was very clear there wasn't anyone else, promised me, the children, his family, friends.... They got married on the first anniversary of them declaring their love for each other. So romantic, and yes, it was a full month before he told me, out of the blue, that he wanted a divorce. Anyone who's been around MN for a while has seen the pattern play out again and again.

It's helpful because the OP needs to be prepared for the fact that this is not about her, it's not about anything she should have done, could do. It's about him and his selfishness.

Agree with PPs that the best chance of salvaging the relationship (which you might well not even want to do!) is to separate properly: tell people that he no longer loves you, live apart, sort out finances and custody etc. A dose of reality.

To add to your post catsrus it's true that if you've spent enough time on the Relationships board you will recognise the script before you've even got to the end of an OP's post. It's so typical it's as if there's a guidebook on 'How to screw over your wife 101.'

The sad thing is, we can all see it but for the OP it usually takes some time before recognising it and perhaps even longer before accepting it.

Some marriages do survive but I'd guesstimate they're not in the majority. And even so, the dynamic will never quite be same, whatever it will be.

Sorry, but in my experience it is true.

Not every man, but most men who leave usually have a woman lined up. Not ALL men, but a lot of men. You don't need to tell me about the men you know who left without another woman being involved. Of course it happens, but it is rare nonetheless.

Just read the relationship board sometime and you will see that 90% of the time that is the case. Actually, probably closer to 99%. OP's husband is re-writing history. It's a classic case sadly.

I am sorry if you don't like it, but it is my experience and it proves right time and time again online and irl.

As for it being helpful? well the OP can decide or not if she wants to look further into the fact that he might be having an affair. I don't know why it is wrong to point out the fact that in pretty much every thread like this women later find out there was a OW and it plays out that way irl as well. It might help OP to think about looking into that further before she spends emotional energy on trying to fix her marriage. That would be the advice she would get on the relationship board as well.

It's not pretty no, but it doesn't change the fact. I wish the OP the very best.

My husband told me he wanted to separate in November 2011, he moved into the spare room and stayed there for nearly two years before moving out (due to finances and childcare) which was difficult for me. I felt so angry that he didn't want to be with me as my husband but took ages to leave. Please make him leave asap, you will end up stressed, unable to move on and resentful.

"if you are both committed then you can work it out"

The key is "if you are both committed". He isn't. So they can't work it out. She can't fix it by herself! He doesn't even want to try and for that reason the OP should ask him to leave.

If he chose to have children with a woman he didn't love he is a complete prick. Who would willingly do that to their future children, or their partner for that matter wether or not they were still 'in love'.

Thank you for all the advice. I don't know how to move a thread?

I really don't think he is having an affair. I feel you shake your head, but we work for the same firm, he is pretty much always home on time, and barely uses his phone. He has just disengaged generally, and often goes to bed before the baby.

He is very encouraging of me going back to work (that's a start apparently). The cynic in me wonders - we are going to be sharing childcare - if he is seen to be a joint carer does that affect any financial contribution he would be expected to make? He knows I won't let that arrangement stand if he moves out, as think our child is far too young to be shuttled between homes. He is also very aware that I have no family, and few friends nearby, (we moved here for work). Moving home isn't an option as career not really transferable, and my work involves unsociable hours, so traditional childcare difficult. I feel like he has all the power here.

I'm in the US, so this advice may not apply. My cousin's ex suggested the same thing about increasing her work hours (she was working 1 day per week with a 1- and 4-year old) when he left. Her attorney told her absolutely not. That any increase in her salary would affect the amount of child support she received in their divorce. He told her to not change a thing regarding work or childcare until the divorce was settled. Her ex was pissed when she told him she wasn't going to work any more or less than she currently was. Turns out his attorney had suggested the whole thing to him.

He doesn't have all the power, not really. He's just three steps ahead of you right now. You really need to see a solicitor, love. You need to know where you stand.

What a cunt he sounds op.

I think AcrossThePond has it spot in here.

Get back control and seek legal advice. That will give him a shock anyway op and get you some power back.

As for poor dads adjusting to baby!

Fuck right off with that crap. Everyone finds it hard. Grow up.