To want to save this marriage?

[RosehipHoney]

My husband of nine years says he no longer loves me, and has been feeling that way since just after we got married. We have an eleventh month old, and were planning number two when this announcement came completely out of the blue. He refuses counselling, and veers between wanting to sell the house and live separately together, for childcare (we were planning to cover this between us on my imminent return to work). I desperately want to be able to fix this, but how do I do that if he isn't interested in trying? Feels like the last nine years are tainted now, and that he is ruining the future we had planned for our child. But...marriage vows are sacred, and I signed up to love and to honour... He denies stress/depression/affair etc.
Do people get through experiences like this?

You can take back some of that power. Don't change anything workwise without getting legal advice first. There is also lots of good, free information and advice services out there that can help you with money, any benefits you might get, housing options.

I second affair unfortunately. Very similar happened to me and turned out to be affair. We've worked on it and are getting there. It was a year ago and still very hard but hopefully its behind us. Good luck

A reference to a thread about how couples split on the Reationship stuff

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2399770-Do-most-marriages-end-due-to-infidelity

So, the little pearl of wisdom does not really seem to be substatiated by the posters.

"Mine ended due to ex h being EA."

"It might have ended due to her infidelity?"

"My marriage ended after 20 years because we could no longer stand each other. No indicators of infidelity"

"I ended my marriage because the vow of `in sickness and in health' was not upheld by my husband."

Its not about couples splitting partial - that happens for all sorts of reasons, its the actual reason being given by this husband. It totally fits "the script" - you can search MN for lots of examples of "the script" here's one good thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

In two minds about posting this link
www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all&

I've read that before Cinderling. But what message is that story relaying: Men can just grow tired of responsibilities to their families and take off on a jolly whilst good little wife continues juggling life and children, perpetually in hope that if she just waits long enough he'll come back ready to resume family life.

I don't doubt that some marriages do survive but the example in your link really makes me despair. It actually perpetuates the cycle of abuse. At what point would you draw the line? What about next time he 'needs to find himself'?

I've read that one too - and I did a bit of research on the author - I ask myself "is this who I am, does she have something I aspire to?" and the answer is always 'no'. I would not want that husband, that relationship, that life. It's not me. The OP will have to come to her own conclusions.

He wants out, so kick him out.
why is he still in the house when he clearly doesn't want to be with you?
take him at his word and get yourself a good solicitor.
i would wash my hands of him if i were you and never look back.

How are you doing OP?

You can have the thread moved to 'relationships' by reporting your thread to the mods and asking them to move it.

I think it's a good idea to move it. It will be a good source of support as you work this through for yourself.

Not doing so well really. Things still the same, with him alternating between being quite normal, and picking a fight. Family christening last weekend for which I was godparent for dc's godfather. He didn't come. Find that just incredibly rude. Dc's first birthday this week. Very distant with everyone, and wouldn't be in the group photo. Left the following morning for a long weekend away without seeing dc open birthday presents. He hadn't got one. Aibu to think that this behaviour is just dreadfully uncaring parenting?

Yea he is trying to make the spilt easier for him by the sounds of it. You wont pressure him to stay if he is a nob.

His behaviour is dreadfully uncaring, full stop. He obviously cares only for himself. He may actually be doing this to goad you into picking a fight so he can justify leaving and blame you for it.

You need to beat him to the punch ask him to leave. Tell him that after what he said to you about not loving you, that you have decisions to make about your (not 'our') future. That he's put you on a roller coaster of emotions and you need to be able to think clearly and you can't do that with him around. But that 'living together separately' is off the table.

Please, please see a solicitor. He's not going to play nice if/when it comes to divorce. Forewarned is forearmed.

Forgot; Love, he's checked out already and he's showing you that by his actions. Please don't think you can 'wait this out' or 'love him back into your arms'. And don't ask him to leave thinking you'e going to 'shock him out of it'. It just isn't going to happen.

You need to think of yourself and your DC only right now. Be as selfish as he is being in deciding what is best.

He's already completely detached. You need to get him to move out so you can move on with your life. I know you are grieving for what was and what could have been - do t let him take advantage of you.

Sit down and work out the financial split and logistics. You need to get cold and business like with him which you can't do living under the same roof.

Aibu to think that this behaviour is just dreadfully uncaring parenting?

He's being a dickhead. He's checking out of the family & can't take the responsibility.

He needs to leave. What he's doing is cruel to you.

Hi there,

We'll be moving this thread to the Relationships topic shortly at the OP's request.

Very distant with everyone, and wouldn't be in the group photo.

Sorry, this reads to me like someone who has told someone else his marriage is over and doesn't want to be tagged in any Facebook photos which might suggest otherwise.

You say you are returning to work imminently, so you have been away from the office for some time. And what is he going off on a weekend by himself for?

Yes Op he may be thinking like that re shared joint care. More and more parents are 50:50 care and yes probably does mean he wouldn't have to pay mtnce. It is about the children though and not what the adults may desire.

You cannot make someone love

You cannot make someone love you. Listen to what he is saying and decide what you want. Take back control and good luck.