Hi all, looking for the collective wisdom of anonymous internet folk.
I'm a married guy in my mid-30s; my wife and I have been together for about 10 years. We've got two kids.
The issue of the day is a complete and utter lack of sex, verging now on abstinence. I couldn't accurately describe the frequency, but I think maybe 2 or 3 times in the last year? This has gone on, probably for about the last 2 or 3 years, only marginally better than that for the prior 4 or 5. Only really in the first few years of being together were were really having sex regularly. The sex we do have is singularly awful - all attempts at foreplay are rebuffed, and I'm urged to finish the deed as quickly as possible (which, given the usual frequency, is not that difficult!). She's not interested in any aspect of sex at all, giving or receiving.
Things really fell off a cliff though, once I made the decision (about a year ago) to stop even attempting to initiate. In all honesty I couldn't take the continued rejection, it was utterly humiliating. I knew it would be the death knell of the twice-a-year hurrah, but I had to do it for my own (vastly diminished) sense of pride.
Sounds terrible, but we otherwise have, I think, a good relationship. We're both young, reasonably attractive, have good jobs, a couple of great kids, live in a nice house and we're better off than most. The odd stress or strain, but nothing millions of ordinary people don't face every day. On paper, we're lucky. In case it needs spelling out, yes I more than pull my weight around the house. This isn't an issue.
I do really love my wife. She's funny, intelligent, good-looking, interesting. I love spending time with her. I love going out together, wherever. I just don't know why she's completely given up on this one aspect of the relationship.
We've talked endlessly and openly about this. She acknowledges the hurt and feelings of rejection this must cause. We've talked about possible causes - there's a bit of everything in there. Body image issues, post-pregnancy pain, tiredness, birth control etc. But at the end of the day, she says she simply cannot explain why she does not want to have sex. End of. Nothing to be done. Sad, but that's life.
It is causing huge issues in the marriage. My resentment is building; knowing that this isn't helpful on my part doesn't really stop me feeling it - like her rejection of sex, this is an emotional reaction that I'm not entirely in control of. I've tried taking it off the agenda for long periords to try to take the stress out of the issue for, but in my experience this simply means it gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list below pretty much everything else.
I'm at the point now where I feel I have to make a decision about whether to end the marriage. I can't really bear the thought of leaving my kids, and feel I'm going to end up the bad guy here with friends + family when I wasn't the one who unilaterally declared celibacy.
Is this ever solvable? The more I read about other people's experiences, the more depressed I get that this will ever be addressed, and the more I think I need to act now.
Any advice / thoughts gratefully received.