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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When will he leave her

126 replies

GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 10:47

Their relationship was apparently over before I came back in to his life. I was with him briefly before he got with her and she fell pregnant. He stood by her, did the right thing but now their baby is 18m's and we have been back in contact. We've seen each other and fallen in love, he says he's sorting it out and leaving and that she is aware of this too.
How long do I realistically wait for him to do so? And do I see him in the meantime?

OP posts:
Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 20:01

Gilrack thank you so much for that message. It made me cry Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 20:10

And Goldmandra...thank you. I really appreciate your words. Xx

My gut says this man loves me. He tried to do the honourable thing but he'll be unhappy if he stays where he is...people do make mistakes, and so much is clearer in hindsight.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 07/06/2015 20:11

What was his response?

Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 20:11

I'm really taking on board everything that has been said, I'm reading and re-reading all the comments, and thank you for taking the time to write them.

OP posts:
Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 20:14

His response was that not seeing me will hurt him but that he understands. He would usually message me during the day but he says he doesn't know what to say.

OP posts:
SlicedPan · 07/06/2015 20:16

Op, this man is showing you what he is made of.

Believe him.

SoleSource · 07/06/2015 20:18

Staying with this user is self abuse. The longer this god on the the greater the self damage He is using you and he is a liar!

SoleSource · 07/06/2015 20:18

Goes on* not god

Rebecca2014 · 07/06/2015 20:25

He doesn't know what to say because he does not know wherever he wants to leave his family.

Also these men always say they are unhappy but come on, the honourable thing? a lot of parents are not together yet co-parent successfully. There is no excuse for why he is still with her 18 months on unless he...gasp loves her. If he does leave her, fine but seriously be strong and don't go back to him unless he does leave.

Gilrack · 07/06/2015 20:32

Yikes, I didn't mean to make you cry! But, yes, you are sound. I hope this works out the way you hope. Best advice for now: surround yourself with friends & lovely stuff. You are valuable & worthwhile. Honour that :)

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/06/2015 20:46

Op you know there are lots of nice men out there that don't come with baggage. For at least 18 years he will have to pay a% of his salary to his ex to look after the child. Christmas will be shared with his child, your holidays will be shared. My ex has our children for all of his leave - there are no fancy adult only holidays for him. Your weekends will be shared. And there will always be an ex hanging around. It is hard work I promise you.

DirectorOfBetter · 07/06/2015 20:56

Well done OP.
Also, staying with a partner he cheated on because they have a child together is not the honourable thing at all. It would be honourable to tell his partner the truth (not least so she can get STI checks - sorry but she needs to). It's not honourable to constantly be lying to her, deceiving her and depriving her of the chance to have a different relationship with a decent person. He is depriving the partner of the chance to decide what to do with her own life because she doesn't know what he's doing behind her back. She probably believes the 'front' he's putting on. They're probably still having sex but he is not the man she thinks he is. He's a cheating scumbag. How the hell is it 'honourable' to treat another human being in this way?

He's not doing the 'honourable' thing. He's doing the comfortable thing - the thing he actually wants to do.

I agree with the PP who said that you'd be best to use this time to build friendships and your own life outside of this man.

infiniteregression · 07/06/2015 21:16

OP, do not underestimate how vulnerable you are right now. You say you originally broke it off with him because you were recently out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Be absolutely honest with yourself - are there any red flags in his personality that led you to doubt him first time round? I suggest you write down exactly why you decided not to pursue the relationship before and try to get to the bottom of that decision before you make any further commitment to this man.

minandensommerhus · 08/06/2015 07:30

WEll done. You did the harder thing, in the immediate time frame, but this will be the decision that makes things easier and better for you in the long run.

he's no prize.... I agree with directorofbetter, he didn't do the honourable thing back then, he did the comfortable thing. This is what he wants and what he has chosen.

minandensommerhus · 08/06/2015 07:33

yes good post infiniteregression. I got in to an abusive relationship when i was recently single and totally heartbroken. It's a very vulnerable time. I thought I could walk away any time because I still was in love with the other guy, but they play on your emotions so much, the guilt and the obligation overwhelm everything.

bit wary of him say this hurts him to you. YOU haven't hurt him, just to be clear. the situation he allowed to hurt you for over 18 months is now finally for the first time having an effect on him. (but perhaps he's relieved it has reached a natural end, as he may see it)

ClearEyesFullHearts · 08/06/2015 07:50

Does the mother really need a test for STIs?

Perhaps I'm being colossally naive, but have you been having sex with him, OP? You've only said We've seen each other and fallen in love.

BreadmakerFan · 08/06/2015 07:55

Part of the script saying it will hurt but he understands. He can walk away and be seen to be doing the honourable thingHmm.

DirectorOfBetter · 08/06/2015 08:38

Yes the partner does need STI tests. Tbh if the OP hasn't been using condoms, I think she'd be sensible to get tested too.

minandensommerhus · 08/06/2015 16:58

Does everybody who ever has unprotected sex need to get tested too?

A married friend said this to me after I ended a relationship a while ago and I know she was worried about me but it struck me as illogical, as though married sex were cleaner somehow .

But yeh, if you're a worrier OP, have a test. But I should have one I guess, and so should half the people on this thread.

Gilrack · 08/06/2015 17:15

Does everybody who ever has unprotected sex need to get tested

Well, I always have! For as long as I had a sex life, I went for a six-monthly checkup. I viewed it as a precaution, with no specific implications about trust & fidelity. They fixed a few minor infections for me and, as it turned out, the GUM clinic identified my PCOS. The place to find experts on sexual health is a sexual health clinic.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/06/2015 17:18

minandensommerhus I know what you're saying but when it is evident that there are possibly several partners involved, it's wise. I did it after my husband left and was glad I did after I identified the OW. I felt that was absolutely the right decision once I discovered that ex was sleeping with somebody else along with OW at the same time (oh and me of course) vomit

GymBum · 08/06/2015 17:38

Does everybody who ever has unprotected sex need to get tested

DH and I both got tested before we had unprotected sex the first time. Better safe than sorry. Unless you count the pregnancy STI checks, if you have never been tested regardless of a partner cheating you never really know.

But I would definitely recommend a test when you have a sleaze Ball DH/partner that shags around. You never know where he/she has been

AnyFucker · 08/06/2015 17:50

Does everybody who ever has unprotected sex need to get tested

well yes, if you want to be 100% you don't have an STI

theredjellybean · 08/06/2015 18:02

OP - you have made the right decision and I know how hard that is. I was an OW , and after 6 months had a moment of clarity , that we may have fallen in love but what we were doing was wrong. The courage to walk away was huge but I / we did it and agreed that if we both made the same amount of effort in our marriages as we did in the affair and they still weren't working ( without the affair in the background) well then we would divorce and see if our relationship worked. That is what happened, we had no contact until 18 months later at which point we had separately left our marriages. If he genuinely feels he cannot make it work with his partner then he will work that out for himself, and best he does without you as his fall back. He needs to decide for himself and he needs to work out what is best for his child without the distraction of an affair.
Be strong and good luck...it is hard but right what you have done

theredjellybean · 08/06/2015 18:03

i should add , I am still very ashamed of starting my relationship as an affair, and would never ever tell anyone this is a good thing to do.