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Original poster

When will he leave her

126 replies

GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 10:47

Their relationship was apparently over before I came back in to his life. I was with him briefly before he got with her and she fell pregnant. He stood by her, did the right thing but now their baby is 18m's and we have been back in contact. We've seen each other and fallen in love, he says he's sorting it out and leaving and that she is aware of this too.
How long do I realistically wait for him to do so? And do I see him in the meantime?

OP posts:
Gilrack · 07/06/2015 11:52

Well if he is sorting out/leaving/she is aware a week should be enough. Don't see him for a week. If he is not 100% single in a week time to consider that he just wants to use you for fucking, not a relationship

This sounds all cynical, but it's actually very good advice! Maybe make it a fortnight. He's got to break the news to his missus, weather the emotional storms & all-night conversations, then rent himself a room. Doesn't take long.

Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 11:57

Thank you so much for every single response. You're all saying what I already know and what I've been trying to ignore.
Pathetic as it sounds, I still don't believe he is a bastard though. But he it's becoming obvious that if he's not a dick, then he's very weak.
I know I'm not the victim in all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 11:59

Tattie and Gilrack...thank you, it's true isn't it...

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 07/06/2015 12:00

If he loves you, he doesn't love her and will walk away whether you are involved with him or not.

If he is stringing you along he won't leave her whatever you do. Do you really want to risk devoting your life to being his second best?

Step right back and deal with the pain of not seeing him for a while because otherwise you are setting yourself up for years of being the OW and pain of that is far worse.

Once he has disentangled his day to day life from hers and settled into a pattern of contact with his child, he will be free can start a genuine relationship with you. However, you will always know that he was willing to cheat on her.

You need to grow up and tell him not to contact you at all for any reason until he has left her and set up a new life in his own place. Then you need to think very carefully about whether he really is the right person for you.

tribpot · 07/06/2015 12:01

Men like this don't change...it could be you in a few years time with a young baby and him leaving you for somebody else.

This is so true. I know someone who is on wife number 3, he's not even 40 yet. Each time the same pattern - affair with a colleague. What the hell wife number 3 was thinking is beyond me.

FenellaFellorick · 07/06/2015 12:02

It's a matter of perspective.

If you were his partner, living with him, a family, you'd given birth to his child.. And you found out he'd been sneaking around with another woman, getting up to who knows what, declaring love to her and telling her his relationship was dead...
You may well feel most strongly that he was a first class bastard.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/06/2015 12:07

My advice? Walk away. My husband left me for somebody else when our little boy was a toddler. The last two years have been horrific beyond belief and have ruined my life and our children's lives. The OW in my case is only interested in her own "happiness" above all else. I doubt very much she questioned herself the way you are clearly doing. Get yourself out of this situation and find somebody free to have a relationship. It is never a case of him just "leaving her" and all your lives being "happy ever after", I am afraid that is a fairy tale. The realities are quite different, especially when there are children involved. I can't stress that enough.

Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 12:09

Fenella you're right. And thank you for your other reply too, it's exactly what I need to hear...
I'm so glad I posted, I feel stronger already.

OP posts:
OhDearMuriel · 07/06/2015 12:09

Could you ever be truly happy though, knowing that you were complicit in breaking up a family and leaving a child fatherless?

What is your conscience telling you?

It's your head that should be hurting that you have got yourself in to such a terrible situation.

Move on and learn from it.

HollyJollyDillydolly · 07/06/2015 13:28

Don't contact him. If he's serious about you and not spinning you a load of lies he will contact you. Be strong, don't be his bit on the sidE.

dragonfly007 · 07/06/2015 13:42

If this man is so great how come you split up enabling him to create a family? Please walk away if only for the sake of a wee bairn!

aroundandaroundagain · 07/06/2015 13:58

Get some self respect and walk away. You want a man who already has a partner and 18m baby. What the hell is wrong with you??!!! So what if he was briefly seeing you before her.... so what? Does this mean you own him? Does this mean he cheated on you with her then in the beginning? He made a decision to stick by the pregnant girlfriend all you are is a sperm depository for him. Sort your head out, get your own man and lets hope this doesn't happen to you in the future when you're settled with an 18m old child.

aroundandaroundagain · 07/06/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

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Whiskwarrior · 07/06/2015 14:04

Well, I hope he leaves her soon. Yes, she'll find it difficult but at least she'll be shot of a cheating duckweed.

And then you can keep him. And live a jolly life wondering when he's going to cheat on you.

Marvellous.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/06/2015 14:06

When will he leave her?

Mmmm....when she chucks him out?

Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 14:19

Dragonfly...because I was too recently out of an abusive relationship...we were falling in love then but I had to walk away as I wasn't recovered. By the time I was, they were already expecting their (unplanned) baby.
In response to another poster, no I don't believe that means I 'own him'. It just means there has always been love there.

OP posts:
Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 14:22

Also I don't believe I'd be complicit in 'breaking up a family and leaving a child fatherless'. If what he says is true, then their relationship is already over...he is in the process of leaving, and his child will never be 'fatherless'

OP posts:
NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 07/06/2015 14:23

Maybe the question is when will you "leave" him, not that your in a proper relationship. The advice about giving him a fortnight is good, if it's really over it will be that quick and a relief. If not it's time for you to get out not for his sake but for the child's and your own sanity and self respect.

Oldest line in the cheats book I don't love her my marriage is over yadda yadda. If his relationship is over he needs to tell his wife/partner not you! Why do OW's fall for this line, everyone knows it surely?!

Anniegetyourgun · 07/06/2015 14:25

Sadly, you have fallen for the oldest line in the book. Of course the reason why it's so old/overused is because it all too often works. But that doesn't make it any more embarrassingly clichéd.

Wideopenspace · 07/06/2015 14:27

around - I don't think there is any reason to call the OP 'a trollop'. That's just rude. I've reported that post.

lunar1 · 07/06/2015 14:31

Don't kid yourself that you are innocent to the partner and child. If it wasn't you it would be someone else. But in this case it is you and you can control that. I could never involve myself in the destruction if a family.

If he is going to cheat let it be with someone else. If more people were morally aboard to sleeping with someone else's partner we would live in a far nicer world.

lunar1 · 07/06/2015 14:35

Opposed that should read!

Viviennemary · 07/06/2015 14:39

Why on earth are you wasting time with this ditherer. Your life is flowing by whilst he flits from one woman to another. You need to do the decent thing and stay away from this man, his partner and their child. He's not going to leave but he might carry on having a bit on the side with you. Horrible.

aroundandaroundagain · 07/06/2015 14:53

Wide- there is definitely a need. I don't care if you've reported my post. Good for you. That is what the OP is... look up the definition.

GymBum · 07/06/2015 14:54

Galway I am sorry but we need some realism here. You can't possibly believe you are not complicit to breaking up a family when you are sleeping with someone else's husband/partner.

If he truly loved/loves you, he would have left by now and you wouldn't be on here asking when he will leave her. For your own sanity you need to leave this situation behind. If he loves you, he won't be able to cope and he will leave and you two can live your sordid happy ever after.