Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When will he leave her

126 replies

GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 10:47

Their relationship was apparently over before I came back in to his life. I was with him briefly before he got with her and she fell pregnant. He stood by her, did the right thing but now their baby is 18m's and we have been back in contact. We've seen each other and fallen in love, he says he's sorting it out and leaving and that she is aware of this too.
How long do I realistically wait for him to do so? And do I see him in the meantime?

OP posts:
Paddlingduck · 07/06/2015 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDearMuriel · 07/06/2015 17:26

So Wideopenspace, we can all go off with someone else's boyfriend, husband or partner, and it won't be our responsibility at all if they split up?

Wideopenspace · 07/06/2015 17:37

Ohdear I am not suggesting that 'going off with' someone who has a partner is morally ok, or a good idea.

But in my opinion, it is the person who made a commitment to that family unit who bears the responsibility for being faithful to that family unit.

OhDearMuriel · 07/06/2015 17:49

Wideopenspace
I totally disagree with you - they are as bad as each other.

It's only a very shallow and self-centred person that can do that to another women (and child).

Wideopenspace · 07/06/2015 17:54

I suppose my first thoughts about this happened when I was cheated on - my anger and feelings of betrayal were centred entirely on my (very quickly ex) partner. The other woman was completely irrelevant - she hadn't ever made me any promises.
Thinking about this issue in the years since then hasn't changed my mind.

But as I said, it's just my opinion.

winkywinkola · 07/06/2015 18:11

Wideopenspace, therefore you can also condemn the other person for being morally bankrupt.

Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 18:16

So if I don't see him now and wait for him to leave her properly before we start a relationship together, then I'm still a tramp anyway?

OP posts:
Wideopenspace · 07/06/2015 18:20

Maybe winky - I'm not sure it's as clear cut as that.

OP, for what is worth, I don't think you are a tramp. I think stopping seeing him will be very hard for you but it is the right thing to do. For everyone involved.

Don't hang yourself up on "if he leaves her" - just live your life the best way you can.

Goldmandra · 07/06/2015 18:22

So if I don't see him now and wait for him to leave her properly before we start a relationship together, then I'm still a tramp anyway?

If you haven't started a relationship and don't until he has left her and set up on his own, I don't think you bear any responsibility for their relationship breaking down.

People leave relationships all the time and MNers are always being told to leave loveless relationships. They could very well not be in a relationship for the right reasons anyway.

If you tell him that you want no contact with him in any form unless he has left, found a place of his own and established a pattern of contact with his child, I think you have nothing to feel bad about.

GymBum · 07/06/2015 18:32

If you start a relationship with someone who isn't already committed then no you are not sleazy or a tramp however if you continue in a relationship with someone already in a relationship then yes that would make you and him tramps (using your own words before I get reported).

Fairenuff · 07/06/2015 18:35

You don't look too good in this scenario do you OP. The decent thing to do would be call it off until he is available. At the moment he's in a relationship and you are fully aware of that. What does that look like to you? Do you think it's ok to do what you're doing?

Viviennemary · 07/06/2015 18:58

At the end of the day it all hangs by a thread 'if he leaves'. He may never leave. How long are you going to hang on for. It's make your mind up time for him. I don't approve of what you're doing but people do split up and move on for one reason or another. But even if he leaves can he really be trusted. I don't think so.

Original poster
GalwayGal123 · 07/06/2015 19:04

I've had the conversation with him today, since I started this post. I've told him I can't see him until he has moved out and is truly single.
Obviously I can't do anything other than that without compromising my own morals and standards (I do have them) So I guess it's just a waiting game now to see if and when he sorts it out.
Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions.

OP posts:
alwaysabattle · 07/06/2015 19:04

Wide I'm not saying she should keep the family unit together but she is sleeping with him willingly knowing he is in a relationship that makes her as bad as him. Fair enough maybe I shouldn't of said about the child but I don't think anybody could respect someone who willingly and happily went with somebody in a relationship

Rivercam · 07/06/2015 19:06

Galway - well done on having the conversation.

Wideopenspace · 07/06/2015 19:08

Well done OP. Now be kind to yourself - if this relationship has caused you to drift from friends or family, try and rebuild those relationships. It's ok for you to feel upset and hurt and shit. Go have a glass of wine/cup of tea/enormous cake.

alwaysabattle · 07/06/2015 19:09

Op well done for doing that for your own self respect and the gf and child. You only know what he's telling you it could all be lies. Now is the time he will really leave if the relationship is dead and he wants you

GymBum · 07/06/2015 19:12

I really hope you have the strength to stick to your convictions. If he truly loves you he will leave.

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2015 19:16

That can't have been easy but you've definitely done the right thing. Stay strong and don't contact until he is single (if that happens). That won't be easy but in the long run you won't regret your decision to end it with this guy.

Babymamamama · 07/06/2015 19:22

Two words: Bad karma.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2015 19:47

that is a good decision, op

Better for you

Gilrack · 07/06/2015 19:55

I've had the conversation with him today, since I started this post. I've told him I can't see him until he has moved out and is truly single.

I, for one, don't underestimate the courage this took. Well done.

Also, don't beat yourself up if you fall for his pleas one more time and/or feel terribly conflicted. The point, really is YOU and what you deserve. It's really hard to keep yourself on the level when your feelings are all over the place and somebody's pulling your strings. But you did a top-notch, self nurturing thing by starting this thread and sticking with it. It's likely you're vulnerable due to the previous abusive relationship and the fantasy of your shared past. And you have still had enough self-preservation to seek a reality check with a forum you knew would take a hard line! Well done, you, your instincts are looking after you :)

You must know that, if he does what you hope for, there will still be a difficult road ahead. For your sake I hope he does it and has the moral certitude to navigate the ensuing shit-storm with dignity. If he doesn't ... well, you revisited a fantasy and found out your inner wisdom's back on form Thanks Good luck.

Goldmandra · 07/06/2015 19:58

I think you've done the right thing.

Next you need to think carefully about how he has conducted himself and whether you want risk being in the girlfriend's shoes in the future.

You know far more detail about him, his relationship, his behaviour towards you and his general attitude to women than anyone on this thread. Take some time to ponder all of that and what you think you can expect from a future relationship if it happens.

Nobody should be sentenced to a lifetime in an unhappy relationship because they tried to do the right thing and create a family because of an unplanned pregnancy. He might be a decent person stuck in an awful situation because he tried to do the right thing and you might have a very happy future with him ahead of you.

I hope that's what will happen. I imagine you know deep down whether it's likely. Trust your gut feeling. If he is likely to do the same to you a couple of years down the line, admit that to yourself, walk away permanently and find someone with the honesty and integrity you deserve.

RubyMay82 · 07/06/2015 19:59

Years ago I was OW & justified it because they weren't married.

Ended up with a broken heart,
Lost my job, driving licence.
Was dangerously heavy drinking in the aftermath as I couldn't handle the guilt.

So my advice = wise up.
Walk away.
18 month baby so you've been lurking for over 2 years?
Come on reality check get some self respect.
Hold your head high & move on.

If he truly wanted to be with you he would have been at the start as people don't have to be together to be parents anymore.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 07/06/2015 20:00

Stick to that.
While he's figuring out what to do so should you. He accidentally got her pregnant whilst apparently holding a torch for you. You were vulnerable and he could have waited for you patiently but he didn't. He's probably been lying to the mother of his child and you.
Do you think you're up to the worry that he could do it to you? To having his ex in your life?
Can't you hold out for better?