what would you/DH do if MIL sent the following ?

[Mojomummy]

...it's about me not going to a family do (because I am fed up with her snidey commments & also fed up because DH doesn't support/defend me/stick up for me.

I will never forgive you for making my son so unhappy, and putting him into a position, of having to let his own Dad down, for someone who has done so much for you both.
You do not deserve my Son, he is far too good for you, and I have no intention of a reconcile with you.

You might manipulate those who love you, but you will not manipulate me ...........do things always have to be on your terms.

I hope you are happy now, we have put up with your selfishness and your true colours have shown through and I dont like what I see.

But you had better make my son happy again, otherwise you might lose more than your in laws.. (we might be happy with that), but you wouldnt be, and at the moment its not what he wants, so you need to make amends with him sooner rather than later.......you are a very silly woman!!!!!

You may have won the battle but you haven't won the WAR!!!!!!

god oyu lto are so horrible to your mils
am stunned by this

Cod ??? This is what the MIL said to mojomummy, not the other way around.

What would I do with the letter? I'd bin it and try to improve the relationship with the ILs (even if they are a PITA) for the good of the whole family.

aha
apologies mojo
oh fgs
BIN her

I'd have nothing more to do with her

I agree with IvortheEngine.

It is a horrible letter, yes, but it's difficult to comment really when you don't know exactly the ins and outs of what's been going on.

But all in all I am for trying to keep peace and harmony within a family, for the sake of everybody, but esp. the children who get a lot out of having a good relationship with their grandchildren.

she organised an evening family do that was vrey difficult for us to go to (no babysitters, a friday night, 100 miles to get there) I said to DH I couldn't understand why she didn't make it easier for him/us. DH just lets everything pass, but did have a very subtle coversation with her (which I don't think she got at all).

Because of the last few years of little comments wearing down & DH not saying anything (I think she thinks I am an old bag & DH is the perfect son & he is under my thumb), I just decided I had enough & said I wasn't going to another do. I told DH 4 weeks before it was supposed to happen, but he didn't say anything because (it turns out) he thought I might change my mind. I didn't & the result is the e-mail.

DH bought me a lovely diamond ring a few months ago & she was all twitchy about that & made a face. (perhaps doesn't like him to spend his money on me - but he did buy himself a new tv as well)

I feel my DH is passive & lets everything go & I am fed up with battling alone on my own. I had to put this on here (it happened a couple of weeks ago) because I feel like I might have a bit of a meltdown .

Message withdrawn

DH went to the family do on his own, I couldn't go as no babysitters for 3 year old DD & DD2 was 10 weeks old. They also live 100 miles away, so there really was no-one to babysit - my mum was busy, otherwise she might have been able to do something if it had been a sat night. My mum lives 70 milles away from us, so she would have had to come to us, then we drive the 100 miles to the restuarant.

your should be sitting down and having a word with her

your h

she is either mad or there is a lot you are not telling us

either way I would try to rise above it - you might not want a relationship with her, but your husband clearly does, and your children deserve a chance to make their own decisions about what they want

"little comments wearing down" is quite normal in MIL relationships it appears so I would really try to just be the bigger person and act civilly

Showing her that she upsets/affects you means that she has won

so what if hse made a face regardign the ring
you are an adult
you dont need her approval

Message withdrawn

i think theres more tot hsi than meets the eye

OBV dh doesnt care abotu it
i wonder if you need ot take as tep back
after all she is a long way away

Your husband is also an adult.

Not a boy.

I was once married to a man like this.

OMG, the sense of relief when I didn't have that toxic woman in my life anymore!

The first time we met, she got drunk and told me I looked like his (my ex's) father's latest mistress.

I don't think she should have gone to the dinner either. She's got a 10 week old baby - why should she trot off 100 miles away even if she could find a babysitter? It's her choice.

There is obviously a lot of history here though so it's hard to comment on the email. It sounds downright nasty but we don't know what's gone on before.

She can't write for toffee though

Agree, its not a letter I would be pleased to receive but I dont particularly think she should have made it easier for you to go to the party either.

mojo my dh is exactly the same, will never say anything or make a point towards his parents he just says 'well thats just how they are'. I understand your frustration totally.

I would keep this e-mail/letter. I kept one from my step father from years ago that was particularly manipulative. Its always good to have proof of just how crazy some people are

Echoing others on this, what's the full background, as this is obviously the build up of a lot of other biccers. My friend has in laws just like this as well as a passive dp. Thing is not everyone in life has the ability to speak up to people and prefer the quiter life. If it bothers you that much, its down to you to sit down with your mil and work something out as it sounds as if you've got the issue rather than your dp. That's not to say that the comments in the letter aren't hurtful and its probably not the best way to resolve the situation but you have to be the bigger person here.

My mil is selfish, bigoted, racist, boring and she smells. I have to put up with her because she is my dp's mum and he loves her and has responsibility for her. That is life.
I cope by seeing her as infrequently as possible, talking to her on the phone and gritting my teeth when I do see her(and sometimes taking valium - I'm serious). But I will not enter into all out war with her because life is too short and it will hurt my dp. It is just the circle of life, mil's have always given their dil's a hard time. Just try to keep this in mind when we have dil's.

I definitely agree with the "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" - she's his mum and could be very dangerous to your relationship. What does your dh say about all this to you? My dh sounds quite similar to yours insofar as he wouldnt dream of standing up for me but then I wouldnt necessarily expect him to as I am big enough and ugly enough to fight my own battles. That said, he is very aware of his own mum's manipulative traits which I think is half the battle won.

Alternatively you could frame the letter and put it up as a picture in your downstairs loo

literally just before we were married my MIL found out we weren't having a "top table" as it didnt fit in with the style of our wedding. She was seriously pissed about this but obviously wouldnt say anything to her ds. So she collared me one day and said "You should have a top table, just because you dont have parents it doesnt mean david doesnt" blah blah blah. So I told her that in fact david wanted to go off to Gretna Green on the quiet and invite no family AT ALL!! It was down to me that her and FIL were even coming - which invoked a fabulous silence

the full background, well, I wasn't really aware there was one. DH has always said I'm probably not the sort of girl his mum would chose for me. Maybe someone with no spirit, that sits in the corner & has false nails (his words not mine).

She is always making comments like , ooh wonder who she takes after (when DD is being high spirited) (she means me cos DH wouldn't say boo to a goose), she makes a face when she doesn't approve of things. She didn't like it when we showed her a bigger house we want to buy...made negative comments. Doesn't do child-friendly puddings at family lunches...just thoughtless things that slowly wear you down. I have taken it all, telling DH. At the last 'bristle' from her, she made a face &bristled at something I said (she wants us to stay at her house, but there is no spare bed - only a sofa bed, but nothing for DD1 to sleep in - she is too big for a travel cot) I said where would we sleep & she didn;t like it (!!). WHen they left - I said to DH you should have said something & he agreed. So. I'm not really aware of anything in particular, just 'odd'things. ALso when we got married , she didn't have a photo of just me & DH up - one of her & her DH, DH & his brother, bil & his girlfriend. The only one I was in was the family photo, kept in the backroom. I told DH I thought it was odd, she didn't have a photo of him & his wife (me) up...didn't he think it strange ? (sorry about bad writing...DD1 is with me..)