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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what would you/DH do if MIL sent the following ?

86 replies

Mojomummy · 13/11/2006 09:26

...it's about me not going to a family do (because I am fed up with her snidey commments & also fed up because DH doesn't support/defend me/stick up for me.

I will never forgive you for making my son so unhappy, and putting him into a position, of having to let his own Dad down, for someone who has done so much for you both.
You do not deserve my Son, he is far too good for you, and I have no intention of a reconcile with you.

You might manipulate those who love you, but you will not manipulate me ...........do things always have to be on your terms.

I hope you are happy now, we have put up with your selfishness and your true colours have shown through and I dont like what I see.

But you had better make my son happy again, otherwise you might lose more than your in laws.. (we might be happy with that), but you wouldnt be, and at the moment its not what he wants, so you need to make amends with him sooner rather than later.......you are a very silly woman!!!!!

You may have won the battle but you haven't won the WAR!!!!!!

OP posts:
bootsmonkey · 13/11/2006 10:30

An evening do 100 miles away equates to at least a 3 hour round trip in the car or an overnight stay to me. Neither of which I would be prepared to do with a 10 week old. For me the obvious solution would be for DH to go on his own. Why was this not acceptable to your MIL?? Especially as she dosn't seem to like you?? I would have thought a night alone with her precious son would have suited her down to the ground???

As regards the letter, I would make sure that your DH read it and understood the impact of it. That he has a commitment to you and your children that comes before his relationship to his mother....

Mum2FunkyDude · 13/11/2006 10:31

You married him not her!

Carmenere · 13/11/2006 10:37

Mojo there is no doubt at all that this woman is crass, snide and somewhat undignified. That letter is off the scale ridiculous and you should take her aside for a little chat.
Smile sweetly and say that whilst it is patently obvious to all that she dislikes you immensely you feel that for the sake of your dc's and dp it is worth at least pretending that you get on. Tell her you are prepared to throw this poisonous letter away and never mention it again as long as she stays out of your way.
Treat her with smiles and behave in a dignified manner never allowing her to get under your skin and then you will win the war as she so nicely puts it.

lou33 · 13/11/2006 10:38

i guess i am the only one who told my mil to fuck off then and banned her from any conatact with us?

expatinscotland · 13/11/2006 10:40

I will tell my daughters to run FAST and FAR from any man w/a mother like this, and never make hte mistake of falling in love w/a man who has a mother like this.

Sorry, but been there ,bought the tshirt.

And burned it.

busybusymum · 13/11/2006 10:41

I quite often send DH to his parents on his own usually with the kids, it gives me a few hours to "tackle" their rooms etc. My MIL makes comments but I ignore them.

Your MIL sounds nasty.

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 13/11/2006 10:43

lou33

how did your dh react? Wish I could do that-I've unfortunately married into the scummiest family I could ever imagine!!!
They've resorted to emotional and financial blackmail to get their own way-threatening to write dh out of wills if he doesn't comply with their wishes!!! Disgusting people!!!

madmarchhare · 13/11/2006 10:44

I think you have decided that you dont like her and whatever she does you will think is one hundred times worse than it really is. Im not saying that she isnt a pita but she does sound tolerable for the sake of family peace.

What is a child friendly pudding?

lou33 · 13/11/2006 10:44

he said he wished he had said it years before lol

we are separated now tho so i dont have to see any of them!

Carmenere · 13/11/2006 10:44

Oh yes I always send dp to see mil with dd and dss on their own as it gives me some rare me time(y'know to work or do housework). She knows I don't like her too much and she makes the odd remark but I ignore her as much as possible.

expatinscotland · 13/11/2006 10:45

I would happily be written out of my father's will if he used his estate to try to manipulate and control me, a grown woman.

I'd have no respect for any adult who allowed him or herself to be controlled in such a fashion.

Over money, fgs!

aweebitgross · 13/11/2006 10:49

C&P Carmaneres post and email it to her. Say you know she doesn't like you but you are willing to forget it and make an effort for the sake of your dh.

I used to have the same prob with MIL. But it was mostly down to the fact that SIL wasn't talking to me at the time. SIL and I were really good mates, we were bridesmaids at eachothers wedding etc.. went everywhere together, married a few months apart, I fell pg with dd and sil discovered she had polycystic ovaries and her periods stopped. She was really good with dd though, and really the only person we trusted with her. Then when I fell pg again with ds she couldn;t handle it at all and stopped talkng to me and had nothing to do with dd MIL sort of felt in the middle and ultimately took SIL's part in anything, ie: If it was a family occasion she would stay with dd instead of dh and I and the kids So MIL didn;t get to see my kids very often as SIL and her dh moved in with them and they didn't want us in the house. they have since moved out, and DH and MIL had a furious row that sort of cleared the air, and MIL and I are both making an effort now to be nicer to eachother. It was hard for Dh to be stuck in the middle, as she is his mum at the end of the day..

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 13/11/2006 10:50

Thankfully expat we didn't want anything to do with someone who would stoop that low. Dh said she could stick her inheritance where the sun don't shine, but it still hurt that they'd resort to that!!!

With regards to sending dh to his parents without me, they always used to corner him and convince him to do stuff that they'd know I wouldn't like. Dh is an only child and always used to be a mummys boy. Now that we've distanced ourselves from them he's grown up alot and stands up to them.

Original poster
Mojomummy · 13/11/2006 10:51

she made baileys cheesecake & sherry trifle, anything without alcohol would be child friendly.

It's funny, I always thought I was quite lucky with my in-laws !

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 13/11/2006 10:52

I would take the high moral ground and write back a nicer than nice letter, explaining that you had told your dh several weeks earlier that you couldn't go because you couldn't get anyone you knew to babysit and were reluctant to leave such a young baby with a stranger. Say how sorry you are that the message hadn't got through, that you are of course sorry that the mix-up seems to have created such bad will and sorry that she feels this way, you appreciate that she has made her mind up and there is nothing you can do about it, even though it will be sad if your children have no contact with their paternal grandparents. Like that, she will be put in a bad light and your dh can't accuse you at a later date of having contributed to the situation. Then you can crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate not having such a negative and vindictive woman in your life anymore!!

Original poster
Mojomummy · 13/11/2006 10:57

thank...good advice & I've had a few chuckles, which is even better

I do think she is the controlling one & DH agrees he should be more on her case. I don't want a family feud, & am really dofeel quite bewildered by it all.

OP posts:
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 10:58

Ring her, say "how childish and never see her again. Or send it back with any spelling mistakes corrected? Thats what id do

lou33 · 13/11/2006 11:24

lol @ spelling mistakes

madmarchhare · 13/11/2006 11:27

lol, in red pen. 4/10 could do better.

BuffysMum · 13/11/2006 11:38

I agree with mumpbump. She is mad & insane - rise above it and perhaps copy your dh in on the reply - along with original of course or even better you and dh write a joint response. Or better still get him to email her with a nice but firm letter explaining that he is happy with you and completley understands the decision you made and supports you in it - if that is the case.

nogoes · 13/11/2006 11:39

Your MIL is a complete and utter bitch. What a spiteful cow! What does your dh say about the situation? You need to confront her together, get dh to demand an explanation and an apology from her and if she can't do that then I would drop all contact with her.

morningpaper · 13/11/2006 11:48

My MIL still had a pic of DH's ex-wife framed in her house

They separated over 10 years ago

I must admit to feeling slightly uncomfortable having dinner being watched over by ex-wife

Jimjams2 · 13/11/2006 11:55

The full background is probably that you dared to marry her son. She sounds toxic, and revolting. Expecting you to go to a do 100 miles away with a 3 year old and 10 week old shows how unreasonable she is. I know a couple of MILs like this (not mine thank god) and they'll lok for things to get offended about, mainly by demanding something unreasonable then throwing a hissy fit when their children don't do everything to their beck and call.

If I'd receieved a letter like that I would expect my dh to be having serious words with his mother. I'd be pretty livid if he didn't to be honest. Likewise if my parents sent something like that to him I'd be haviing major words and laying down some rules.

ProfYaffle · 13/11/2006 12:01

MM - other than the e-mail the things you said about your mil could have been about mine! Mine isn't hostile (which I'm grateful for) but is generally negative about my way of doing things (eg, never said anything positive about me bf dd, only moaned on about how often she fed and how I didn't know how much milk she was getting and how bf babies never settled etc etc) she's unco-operative about children's food and has even done exactly the same thing with our wedding photos. Dh pointed out she didn't have any photos of the two of us so she framed one but on it i'm looking to the side and the wind has blown my hair over my face so you can't see me at all!

Thankfully she hasn't gone as far as anything like the e-mail you've received and I'm very glad about that. I've just had to accept she's disappointed in me as dil but at least she bites her lip and I do the same.

I'm also confident that if she ever did do anything outrageous dh would stand up for me which kind of makes me feel secure iyswim.

LieselVonTrapp · 13/11/2006 12:18

Thats a threatening letter and if Im not mistaken threatening letters can be dealt with legally.