what would you/DH do if MIL sent the following ?

[Mojomummy]

...it's about me not going to a family do (because I am fed up with her snidey commments & also fed up because DH doesn't support/defend me/stick up for me.

I will never forgive you for making my son so unhappy, and putting him into a position, of having to let his own Dad down, for someone who has done so much for you both.
You do not deserve my Son, he is far too good for you, and I have no intention of a reconcile with you.

You might manipulate those who love you, but you will not manipulate me ...........do things always have to be on your terms.

I hope you are happy now, we have put up with your selfishness and your true colours have shown through and I dont like what I see.

But you had better make my son happy again, otherwise you might lose more than your in laws.. (we might be happy with that), but you wouldnt be, and at the moment its not what he wants, so you need to make amends with him sooner rather than later.......you are a very silly woman!!!!!

You may have won the battle but you haven't won the WAR!!!!!!

Proyaffle.lol at that one - aren't they awful. MIL has a picture of us in the lounge now, it must be all of 3 inx 2 in & in an oval frame, so you'd never know it was me. She also wrote an unplesant e-mail to DH & said isn't it surprising she doesn't want photos of me in the house !

At least with all these comments, I realise I'm not alone in MIL hell !

cod - you're right, of course I don't need her approval at my ring (it is fab !), I just didn't expect her to turn her nose up at it !

morningpaper that's rotten about the ex watching you eat dinner..why are they so unkind ?

oh my god - i am the mum of an 18 ds
please so help me never ever ever turn into the mil from hell when he gets married - she is positively revolting, i knew mils arent supposed to be nice(!) but that just takes the bisciut- i too would tell her to fuck off lou33 and would then have a party to celebrate never having to see her again!!!!!!!!
hope you get some resolution xx

Dear MIL

You may need an adult to help you with some of the big words in this letter as it is obvious that you are not an adult.

Now.....F*CK OFF!!

Are you buying your DH some balls for Xmas?

I can really sympathise with this, my mil also sent my dh a nasty letter about me when I asked mil why she woudldnt drive down to see ds more often and why was it we always had to drive to her.

DH emailed me the letter and stated that he didnt want to get involved (spineless) and we had to sort it out ourselved. So I emailed her back stating why I thought she was so unreasonable, very politely but very firmly and copied dh in. I also highlighted all the unreasonable things she has done to me..since then she is behaving herself and is a bit embarrassed about her rude letter to dh about me...but it will happen again and once again I will need to stand up to her on my own.

I have learnt that i cant rely on dh for support but i can stand up to her and be just as manipulative but nice on the outside, just as she is. You can only ignore such snide remarks for a while, but then you do have to stand for yourself, but in a polite but firm way, make yourself look like the good guy (I am slowly learning to do this. could I hope i am never like this with my futre dil) goog luck

Whatever you say in response to her email, its taking part in the argument, which clearly she wants to happen and doesn't really want to resolve. Otherwise she wouldn't be speaking in such absolute terms and calling it a "war".

I think silence is incredibly powerful. Just go quiet. She will have no idea what kind of impact this has had on you - whether you aren't remotely interested in her ranting, or are devastated. It also protects you. If you give her no response, she can't then respond to that.

It seems like things have gone quite far for people to be speaking to each other in these terms. Perhaps the best you can hope for is distance now.

It is a nasty letter. No doubt about it. Agree with Mumpbump's post.

Have to say, I'm startlingly untroubled by the things that irritate you. I think you two were never destined to get on, DH hasnt helped matters by already making you feel that his mum doesnt like you because she wouldnt "choose you", and you are probably both sitting there waiting for the other to slip up, because you both genuinely feel that the other is setting out to be spiteful/snidey/nasty all the time.

I would have gone to the family do. Because my family and DP's family are that important to me. I dont really know what you expected your MIL to do to make it easier for you to attend? Perhaps you could explain?

She sounds like a vile woman. One thing that would bother me somewhat though is the fact she seems to think your dh is unhappy? Where has she got this notion from? I would be having words with dh to see what he?s said to her that might imply that he is unhappy, or to see if she?s been trying to convince him that he is unhappy iykwim.

I think you have two choices, and it depends on how strongly you feel about this woman and all the things she?s said/done to you, and it also depends on the possible impact of your actions. You could either, ignore the email altogether, and go out of your way to be nice to her. Be the bigger person and don?t put a foot wrong. My fil told me that I was a bad mother and that the way I was bringing up my ds was harmful to him. He didn?t speak to me for two years, even in my own house he would come for the weekend and wouldn?t speak to me. I went out of my way to be nice, cooked his favourite meals, made his favourite puddings that sort of thing. Three years on and all is well. Well I?m under no illusions about the way he feels about me, but nothing has ever been said since and I feel I was the better person.

Alternatively, if you feel being nice will achieve nothing, you could return her email as follows.

?you might manipulate those who love you, but you will not manipulate me ? do things always have to be on your terms. I hope you are happy now, We have put up with your selfishness and your true colours have shone through and I don?t like what I see. I am sorry to hear that you have no intention of reconciling, as cutting me out of your family means that you are losing not only a dil, but a son and two grandchildren, as we all come as a package you know, and you can?t have one without the other.?

I do have to say though, that if I was unable to attend a family occasion, my dh would never think of going without me. We come as a team and tbh I would be a bit put out if dh was happy to go somewhere like that if I was unable to do so for whatever reason.

VeniVidiVickiQV - it was impossible for me to go to the event - did you read the logistics ? they are 100 miles away & there was/is no babysitter.

I didn't not like her at all ! I even thought she liked me !! I can be quite snappy & I haven't ever snapped at her, or been snide, I've been hurt/embarrassed by the quips she has made. As for that e-mail, well, I was speechless, in fact I still am. That's why I posted on here, because I'm so taken aback. It's only by looking back that I can see that perhaps she has never really taken to me/thought i am good enough for her son etc etc.

I was telling a friend about it today (who has met her) & she suggested that she is a strong woman & perhaps doesn't like it because I don't toe the line...or rather, that we have our own family now.

wannaBe1974 - good points from you thanks, DH wanted to go & I did say that I didn't think he should go as I was unable. I also said I didn't mind - in hindsight, DH agrees that he shouldn't have gone. I just don't understand why she would organise a family event, that part of the family couldn't attend...?

Mojo- she's used to being in control of her little boy and dooesn't like not being number 1 in his life. Women like this are poisonous. I have 2 close friends with MIL's like this (well one's an ex- she found the husband a new girlfriend- much younger who could be controlled).

It's very hard if your husband won't stand up to her - I see the pressure it causes/caused my friends. I think all you can do is refuse to be drawn in, really though your dh needs to lay down the law- she won't ever take it from you.

You asked "What would you/DH do...."

I said I woulfd have made it so I could have gone. Because I get the impression it wasnt an
everyday kind of celebration. But, my ILs are clearly very different to yours.

If they had met half way - you still wouldnt have been able to find a babysitter anyway, would you? I certainly wouldnt have dragged the rest of his family 50+ miles away for my benefit anyway. If I arranged a family celebration, I wouldnt really want to travel 50+ miles to get there.

That's not to say your MIL isnt a bitter twisted woman or such like - but whether you get on or not - I wouldnt expect my MIL to do that for me.

I agree with much of what VVV says.

It certainly would require some real effort to travel 100 miles to a family event with 2 such young children. But, I think if you had really wanted to go, you would have made it happen.

Here's one possible scenario: book a hotel close to your MIL's house/the event so that you have suitable accomodation, a comfortable place to stay (can understand the not wanting to sleep on a sofa bed), and some breathing space. Then enlist your MIL and/or the hotel in finding a babysitter so that you could go to the family event. It shows you making a real effort to be a part of things, and also would help her understand/assist with the issues you must address in order to attend.

I agree a letter like the one you received is horrible and does real damage. But you are placing your husband in the middle of two of the most important women in his life. I would try my utmost not to "test" him to see where his loyalties are because it's stressful and destructive for everyone.

She sounds annoying, but I'd really do your best to ignore a lot of the comments and so on. She's probably not doing any of that stuff on purpose, and it's all really best ignored.

My MIL does some things a bit like this (it's very clear her son is much more important to her than I am ... but hey, he's her son. I'm just the woman who married him!), and I just ignore ignore ignore. We actually get on better now than ever, and she takes DS1 for a week sometimes (he's 5).

Mojo
I sympathise so much with how hurt you are feeling - not that my MIL is even on the scale compared to yours! Your MIL appears unhealthily fixated with her own DS - surely a woman with a happy, fulfilled life of her own would be able to accept her DS's choice of wife and move on? Perhaps her own empty life just is not enough, but far be it from you to draw any comfort from that whatsoever...!!! I think you understandably have shed some tears but now it's time to leave her to it... we've just got to make bloody sure we don't continue the cycle and turn into MIL's from hell!!

Mojo
I sympathise so much with how hurt you are feeling - not that my MIL is even on the scale compared to yours! Your MIL appears unhealthily fixated with her own DS - surely a woman with a happy, fulfilled life of her own would be able to accept her DS's choice of wife and move on? Perhaps her own empty life just is not enough, but far be it from you to draw any comfort from that whatsoever...!!! I think you understandably have shed some tears but now it's time to leave her to it... we've just got to make bloody sure we don't continue the cycle and turn into MIL's from hell!!

I was obviously so pleased with that last one I thought I would post it twice. Muppet!

this sounds like something my mother would write when she gets on one of her irrational spurts . I would ignore it for now and allow her to calm down before speaking to her. You could write a letter explaining how difficult it was for you to go and that you thought she would understand ,also tell her that your husband knew a long time in advance and should of told her . If shes anything like my mum it could be 6 months plus before she will even consider rational thought on this issue ,good luck

Message withdrawn

Out of interest, what was the family do??

Personally, I would never drive 100 miles to leave my 3yo and 10 week old in a hotel room with a stranger. Even if you are talking one of those posher hotels with baby listening I would only use it if we were downstairs in the same hotel for dinner. I could never leave the hotel and my child(ren). Unless of course money is no object and you could book a suite, so the sitter has somewhere to sit...

good god, dh is the one that needs talking to, not the mil. it's mil's job to be an insane unreasonable witch, you can deal withthat quite easily as you rarely have to see her and can get mildly intoxicated when you do.

dh on the other hand sounds like he's behaved in a very 2 faced way, and certain phrases used in her letter suggest when he's alone with her he nods along to anything bad she says about you, where else would she get the idea that your relationship is in trouble?

'But you had better make my son happy again, otherwise you might lose more than your in laws'

'you need to make amends with him sooner rather than later'

i'm lucky that although my mil is a manipulative nutter, dp is well able to stand up to here and put her in her place and would quite happily walk out the door if she started on me (in fact the one time she tried the whole family defended me!)

Don't you think it's a bit of a slight over reaction to a perfectly understandable reluctance to travel 100 miles with a 10 week old?

She's being very childish don't you think?

God no I wouldn't have gone 100 miles to stay in a hotel with a 10 week old and another young child - what a nightmare. It would have to be a REALLY special event (thinking about it did it when ds1 was 6 weeks old for my cousin's wedding- but let's face it it's heck of a lot easier with one).

You've been entirely reasonable. What was the event btw (being nosey). Can you tell us without blowing your anonymity?

Our family had a big event every year for a number of years (all aunts, uncles, cousins, their kids- huge event)- it became very hard for us to attend (because of ds1- he;s severely autistic) so they moved it to be near us. If family's want you there then they will make it easier for you.

my MIL daren't ever say anything so horrible.

when we were first married (17 years ago) she said something about me - so trivial neither of us can remember what it was

what i can remember is that dh said to his mother "ay! thats my wife your talking about"

i come first - we are all very clear of that. not to the exclusion of her - in fact i am sure she would agree that her very inclusion in her sons life is a lot of my doing.

i think your dh is a coward. he should say something.

Please re-read my post. I suggested the hotel could help find someone or MIL could be enlisted to locate a babysitter - perhaps a trusted family friend/neighbour etc. You could even have them babysit at MIL's house while the event is underway and then move to the hotel when the event is over.

Or, what is the venue for the family gathering? Would it be possible for the children to be looked after in a quiet place at the event? Will other young children be there? What arrangements will be made for them?

Look for solutions, instead of seeing the problems and I bet you could sort something out that works for everyone.

Sorry, Earlybird, nothing personal but I would not consider any solution that involved sharing an (probably expensive) hotel room with my DD/trying to get my 4yo to sleep in a restaurant/try to get her to sleep in one house and then move her to a hotel room late at night and expect her not to wake or to happily go back to sleep whilst we are trying to get ready for bed in the same room. All of the above are absolute no-nos for me and there is no way I would drive 100 miles and pay good money for any of them. Have shared a hotel room once and DH and I agreed NEVER to do it again!

Can see how misunderstandings get going, because anyone who expected this was acceptable would get short shrift from me!! Throw a 10week old into the mix and I would probably self combust!

btw Early - the do has been and gone according to Mojo's earlier posts so pointless to go on about constructive solutions to get her there. I would never have gone Mojo! It's the aftermath Mojo needs help with. Deffo over to the DH to put his nasty mummy straight on a few issues IMO... for you Mojo!!