I am interested in advice especially from men

[midlifehope]

I have a problem in that I feel I am pulling the weight of 2 people in my family. I have ds aged 3 and am pregnant. I work 3-4 days a week. Ds is in nursery or with dp when I work. However I also end up doing 95% of domestic stuff. Dp doesn't work having
recently taken voluntary redundancy and bought a yacht! He has way more leisure time than me and I am feeling incredibly resentful. Howdo I get him to change. I don't want to ltb Jesuits

Gosh, please just help the op. I second the cleaner advice. Hire one now. Assuming you have a joint account set a direct debit up.

If you stated your relationship doing all the domestic jobs , then it's not his fault, he probably thinks you love it.

Let him know you don't so Dave will be coming in daily to clean and cook.

Who's Dave?

And read the bit about the cleaner.

The best help the OP can get is not to have an adult mess maker, who refuses to do any work and demands it from wife and cleaner, while doing shit all.

We need a new acronym.

PTC

Periods, thrush and cystitis. Bit of a mouthful to type.

I think OP's long gone after specifically saying she didn't want to be told to LTB and getting told just that over and over again. Along with how selfish her DP is, what an entitled prick, how it's her fault and why is she still with him anyway?

Certainly not the OP's fault, only his, which is why there is very little she can do. Only he can choose his behaviour.

Cleaner homes yes. Because a woman's body needs more thought and attention in regards to hygene than a man 's....

Lol.

If it's relevant my dp showers more than me. And he's very thorough when it comes to cleaning his penis.

OP. If you wait for a man like this to spontaneously see things differently and mend his ways, you'll be disappointed.

If you try to get on his case and persuade him to change, you'll be disappointed.

There is no incentive for him to alter his behaviour. He will clearly not do it out of the kindness of his heart.

If he won't work, he shouldn't eat. Or at least you shouldn't cook for him. You will make yourself unpopular, but how bad will that really be? Will he stop acting in a loving way towards you? Sounds like he's already stopped. A loving response would be to see you're troubled and want to do something about it.

Perhaps he's burnt out and perhaps he's depressed, or perhaps he's just plain old selfish. It doesn't really matter WHY, it just matters BECAUSE.

If you can stomach it, I would harden yourself and refuse to see the dirt for a short while. Forget dropping hints or talking out loud in the hope that he will 'remember' - just see what happens. If he does more, great, continue that plan. But I will warn you, his threshold will be higher than yours. You're wanting your nest to be just right for your new addition to the family, not some pig stye. I'm not saying live like that forever, but just for a while. Try to make him blink first.

If that makes no difference then I would only cook and clean stuff for you and your toddler. I would begin to act like a single parent, because you are one already, and you may as well get that mindset. Your H will not like it and so on will have to harden yourself to follow through. Something drastic has to happen. If he doesn't initiate it then as a last attempt, you could suggest couple counselling.

My Mum always said, you have a choice. Be prepared to leave, or put up and shut up. There is no third option, much as you might like there to be. There is no magical knowledge or trick that any man or woman can offer you, to give you the partner you want and deserve.

All of this is of course just my opinion. I wish you all the best. Pregnancy and parenthood is hard enough without this added to it.

If one human is regularly thinking about personal hygene more than another, and planning for it, can that reflect itself attitudes in the home

You are assuming that women think about personal hygiene more than men. Which is ridiculous. And that thinking about personal hygiene manifests itself by cleaning the home or wanting a cleaner home.

I personally would rather spend the day chainsawing and splitting wood, and then have a bath after than spend a day cleaning. I just dont get your thought process here. Are you genuinely saying that because they are more likely to have smelly vaginal problems, women are also more likely to enjoy cleaning?

Have you completed any studies in biological psychology like, ever?

This thread is mad. Quickly moving past the right old tear up going on...

How big is the yacht? You're not talking midlife crisis motorbike or bmw convertible money here for a yacht. Its mega expensive. Super rich league.

Get a cleaner.

And a cook.

Voyage, my advice to you is to stop digging.

Yeah, get out of that big hole while you can.

Just as a final point, it's fairly clear no man can be in the right on a thread like this. It's assumed we do next to nothing on the domestic front, or that anything we do has to be dragged out of us. If we try to say that's not the case we get told to stop bragging.

Down its a 40 year old wooden yacht. We're definitely not super rich. It cost £9k - half his redundancy payment

Also I feel bad for the men who have genuinely contributed on here out of a desire to be helpful and are getting stick for their choice of words etc. their perspective is just as valid -

Hahaha, just reading Voyage's posts and once more realise I must be a man. I can't multitask either.

Thanks spring. Sage advice

Just as a final point, it's fairly clear no man can be in the right on a thread like this. It's assumed we do next to nothing on the domestic front, or that anything we do has to be dragged out of us. If we try to say that's not the case we get told to stop bragging.

Or we could not assume these threads are about our egos, individually, and recognise that an awful lot of men do nothing on the domestic front, and it's a part of a structural problem with society that we need to fix. Furthermore, when people complain about that structural problem, responding with "Well I do my bit" makes you look like you want a cookie, which misses the point quite spectacularly.

Midlifehope

My apologies that I haven't offered you any actual advice. FWIW here it is - you have the right to expect so much more from your DP than this. To absent himself like this is inexcusable, and I would be ashamed of myself to heap as much on my DP as this. Please look at what you are getting out of this, consider how happy this is or isn't making you, and work on ultimatums. It simply is not fair.

I am really sorry for putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 midlife. Out of order.

I hope you can get it across to him that you need him to sort his priorities out a bit and give you a helping hand.

Unfortunately , posts like this are a red rag (no pun intended) to a bull to a certain type of poster so people will be waiting in the wings for men to answer so that they can analyse it and cry sexism.

Hope you find happiness.

Luisgarcia

But can't structural problems be addressed to a point by demonstrating examples? If the issue is a lack of interest in domestic work from males, then being able to show that this is not a perspective shared by all men can begin to shift this.

Summarily dismissing other's experiences addresses nothing.

Obviously I find the body cleaning analogy odd though

No worries down - I would have thought the same too..... But no - the boat is older than me (39). Dp who thinks he's retired has just turned 50.....

But can't structural problems be addressed to a point by demonstrating examples? If the issue is a lack of interest in domestic work from males, then being able to show that this is not a perspective shared by all men can begin to shift this.

Demonstrating how men can be involved in domestic work, childcare, drudgery, caring roles, career deferment etc would be great if you were demonstrating it to other men, or even children. What does it achieve doing it here?

I think this thread demonstrates that there are men who view and post here. What are we supposed to do, take out adverts? Or give our perspective and experiences when they are asked for, as you'll note the OP did?