Wife has no interest in sex or even holding hands!

[Jimbo54]

I am 40 years old. My wife is 8 years younger. We have a four year old and a two year old. Since my wife fell pregnant the first time, we have had sex about eight times (mostly when she, very occasionally, gets drunk). We have had absolutely no other intimacy – kissing, cuddling, anything. This isn’t by any stretch my doing. I love my wife and find her very attractive. But she simply is not interested at all in me, physically. I know what you will say – talk to her about it! I have tried. But she clearly feels uncomfortable talking about sex or intimacy and the closest thing I’ve got is “you don’t you appreciate that I’ve just had two children” with a look to say “you selfish pig, how can you expect me to have any interest in you when I’m so busy with the work/children”. Well, yes, of course I appreciate that, but I don’t see why there should be a complete embargo and for so long. It is destroying our marriage and I just cannot get it out of my mind. She says that I am a good father and I have a great relationship with the boys, but, I have to say, in fairness, she has done more of the heavy lifting with our second child than me. But I am starting to think she simply doesn’t want me in that way (she is objectively more attractive than me) and I find that very upsetting. But then I think back that when we got married, it took two weeks to consummate the marriage, so why am I surprised now? Further that, even now, when we rarely do have sex (and only the most vanilla of activity is allowed (for example, she won’t even allow snogging!)) I just know that she wants it over as quickly as is decent. In fact, now I think about it, she has never, not once, in at least the last eight years, instigated sex or any form of intimacy and I always have to do the running. I am now thinking enough is enough. But I could really do with a second opinion. Am I being selfish? Isn't this madness? What do I do? Help!

I agree newnamesamegame I think she has stopped putting anything into the marriage.

lotsofcheese

What about weekends? Do you get any meals cooked? Is there really nothing shared? You sound very swamped and overworked.

I genuinely couldn't relax if there was something (like a basket of laundry, a broken shelf or a pile of ironing) that I could be doing but wasn't. And I like cooking, so generally don't count it as a chore. We don't share DIY or more 'heavy' chores, though.

Our setup is that I work FT, but use holidays to stay home one day a week, while my DW works two days a week.

There's one thing I'm not sure of OP, and that's the timeline. Together 8 years, children of 4 & 2, first pregnancy 3 years in presumably.

When did you marry? Before or after the first birth? If after, I can understand a lot of posters speculations on fatigue and resentment. I still think your marriage is over, but you may have contributed.

If the wedding was before the first pregnancy, I'm afraid you've been stitched up like a kipper. Probably not on purpose (although there are some truly ruthless people about), but your wife may have fooled herself as well as you in the early days. If she now has a genuine resentment similar to OhGood , she has an excuse to let her fundamental dislike of intimacy surface. This is annulment territory, in that your marriage was never actually valid because one of you had no intention or capability of keeping their promises.

Is the OP ever going to come back???

josh I dunno. Maybe I am just reluctant to admit that I would ever be in a kind of partnership that started on this sort of very unequal footing. I'm a feminist, an activist and and a fierce believer in equality.

Josh, you sound like one of the good 'uns! I hope your DW appreciates you.

I don't want to hijack the thread, but suffice to say that my "D"P manages to play computer games, watch TV & mess about on his phone in the evenings; house stuff isn't on his radar - he really doesn't care about laundry, tidiness etc.

He does contribute more at weekends; but also wants time out (golf, sports on TV). His long working hours during the week means I have very little life & just the drudgery during the week. I do take time out, but not as much as him.

I wish I had chosen a better partner; I guess in life before DC you don't realise how much of a deal-breaker it is when someone doesn't pull their weight at home.

DP is a bit similar in not really caring about tidiness. Trouble is, I'm often the same, and between us we tend to allow chaos to build up. Usually, though, I'm the first to notice and start grumpily taming the mess, and I suspect that's because Society reckons it's more my problem than his, even if between us we don't really think so.

It's usually cleanest if DS invites a girl over that he wants to impress. DS in a cleaning frenzy is very effective.

lotsofcheese; OhGood

But that's the thing, I shouldn't be called a 'good 'un' just for taking care of my own children, house, clothes, etc. It's just work that needs doing so I do it.

You both sound very under pressure and - I really hope you don't mind me saying - unhappy with your current arrangements. Have you tried to discuss these with your respective DPs, cos it doesn't sound altogether fair that the drudgery just defaults to the DW. OK, working patterns being what they are, there will always be more domestic stuff falling on one partner, but there has to be a fair shake. Time out is really important and has to be equal.

FYI - I have two daughters and wouldn't like them to grow up thinking that domestic work automatically splits along gender lines - I'd also like them to grow up thinking that they can be engineers, joiners, etc. if they want to be, but for the moment that still seems to be 'man's work' in our house ;)

But that's the thing, I shouldn't be called a 'good 'un' just for taking care of my own children, house, clothes, etc. It's just work that needs doing so I do it.

Exactly It would never be said to a woman. No offence Josh.

HelenaDove

Absolutely none taken - you 've made my point, that would never be said to a woman, full-time job or not.

Yes, I've spoken to my partner many times about "domestic shite", the unequal split of leisure time & childcare. For about the last 10 years in fact . I have told him I am not happy. Nothing really changes.

I am one of 3 sisters & would consider myself an "equality girl". My parents worked as a team & shared domestic stuff/family life.

That's why my current situation enrages me. At this moment in time I am "biding my time" until DD starts school & I am better placed for supporting the DC financially.

Yes, I've spoken to my partner many times about "domestic shite", the unequal split of leisure time & childcare. For about the last 10 years in fact . I have told him I am not happy. Nothing really changes.

I am one of 3 sisters & would consider myself an "equality girl". My parents worked as a team & shared domestic stuff/family life.

That's why my current situation enrages me. At this moment in time I am "biding my time" until DD starts school & I am better placed for supporting the DC financially.

lots of cheese that must be knackering both physically and mentally. WTF happened FGS. My DH is 65 and doesnt behave like this. He has NEVER in all our 23 years left an item of clothing lying around on the floor. And does clean the toilet when hes up to it (he has health problems) without prompting. His mum unfortunately passed away in 73 the same year i was born but i would have loved to have met her.
From what DH said she believed in proper equality. And women seemed to be making headway in the 80s from what i recall. WTF has happened.

Sorry....just ranting.

Seriously? No "let's look at this?

With small DCs and work, sometimes you are really both up against it, but if he's getting leisure time then that means there is some to be had (obviously I don't know what his job is - for all I know it's high pressure and time demanding) so a fair share of that leisure time should be yours. Utterly unfair If you don't get a chance to go out or do your own thing.

I should probably have name changed too but wth. We didn't have sex on our wedding night, either. We actually agreed in advance to take the pressure off. We had been together for seven years by then and weren't at it very much anyway by then. We did do it a number of times on honeymoon though.

I don't think op has clarified if they went in honeymoon straight after the wedding either, there could have been a delay, they might have been in a busy or stressful place, we can't assume they jetted off to the Maldives!
Or they might have had kids already, who knows. I'm with those who finds the expectation of sex a real turn off. I do have to force myself to make the effort to do it on occasion, and I do it for him and for our marriage, but never really want to. I also have a one and three year old and tore both times, and the scar makes it painful. It takes a few weeks to heal before I could even contemplate trying again.

That said I wasn't really that into it before kids either. But we are close, I do love him and we do kiss and hold hands. But we did not do it while I was pregnant or breastfeeding either time, so that was three years with only a very brief ttc period in the middle.

I also have pnd and anxiety- which I have had for a long time, and which is mainly anxiety about not getting enough sleep, so yes, if i am in bed it is because i want to sleep!

But i am trying.

bedraggled Cant a doctor or medical professional do something about the scar. Its not the first time ive read of something where women are just left to put up and shut up.

Would they leave scar tissue on a penis like that?

Helena, maybe, but I haven't spoken to a healthcare professional about it since the midwife discharged me. I did complain about my painful stitches at the time but they said it was normal. Now it is not a problem, except on the rare occasions I have sex. Ironically, I think they would probably recommend frequent sex to stretch it, like perineal massage!

Anyway, got a letter about a smear, so maybe that's a good time to raise it!

bedraggled

Bedraggled: I would seriously suggest you talk to your GP about your damaged parts. And if the GP is unsympathetic, insist on seeing a specialist.This is for your own comfort and wellbeing, not just to make you more 'up for it'.
And if whoever you see suggests you just have more sex then that medical professional should be struck off!
I do know a psychosexual therapist who is very good on this sort of thing: she's not a medic in the sense that she can't physically treat the damage, but she can give good recommendations. (She used to run a website/support group for women who had vulval/vaginal problems).
If you want to PM me I can give you her contact details.

Agree with Solid!

bedraggled I had a bad scar (granulated scar tissue) and it was very easy to treat. I actually found it uncomfortable to even sit down as it pressed into me. In my case, it was treated with silver nitrate and hey presto, all gone in the space of an hour. Was a bit stingy but thats all. Haven't looked back since. Please enquire about it.

Thanks all, will ask the doctor.

The OP, jimbo54 last posted on Sunday. It is now Thursday and it is a shame he has not returned to fill in some more of the gaps in the story.
However on the evidence he has supplied so far it is clear to me the marriage is beyond saving.
He should not have an affair as a planned separation and a divorce will lead to a much happier life for both him, his wife and children.

I'm also aware op hasn't been back, but fwiw I'm glad my dh didn't give up on me and on our children. Let's not forget that in leaving the father will be leavng kids too, not just a wife. Apparently I was doing much the same thing, emotional withdrawal, after our kids were born. Oh, there were all the reasons already quoted, time, fatigue (both kids bloody awful sleepers), resentment of previous problems (I stuck with him through a hard patch years before and never felt like i got much appreciation for it). But like newname, I think this sounds like more than that. One thing no one seems to have mentioned yet...

More than anything, I did not understand that I was carrying around and projecting onto dh a whole boatload of emotional issues that started back in childhood with emotionally abusive parents. Eventually I found myself just sitting around remembering crap, but it took a little while - mine were about the ages of op's when it started. That kind of thing comes back when you have your own kids, it really does, I was surprised to find sonething I thought I'd walked away from years ago bothering me now. It is difficult to talk about because you honestly don't know half of the tangles you have in your head, it creates social anxiety and barriers, low esteem, you think it was your own fault, and... why should it be bothering you now? But it does.

Just another thought to play with. I now know where my problems were stemming from and dh and I are fine again. You could try asking about early years in the context of how to raise your own children to see if there is something of that sort going on, and then try suggesting counselling again. Gently. Or just wait and listen.

I am in a similar situation to the OP.

Been together about 15 years, married for 9 with 2 kids under 8 yrs. My wife has never been a person that needs lots of love & affection or to be constantly reassured. She does a great job looking after the house & kids, whilst working p/t and I am out the house 11-12 hrs a day with work. Our levels of intimacy are getting worse all the time. If I come anywhere near her, she raises her arms up to keep me away and NEVER ever initiates any form of physical contact, even outside the bedroom. We are down to sex once a month, which, if I catch her at the right time, she does seem to enjoy, but it always seems to be prearranged and never spontaneous. We do go to bed late during the week due to work and the kids, but then at weekends when we can relax she just falls alseep and would rather spend the evenings on FB & texting.
When we were younger it never seemed to be an issue as there was always time in the morning before 2 young kids came barging into the room at 7am.

I work hard around the house and will often get in from work, put kids to bed, cook tea, clean up, make lunch for next day, unload dishwasher etc so she can have time to go out, exercise etc, but I really feel as if I get nothing in return. We do discuss it, but she doesnt feel that intimacy and loving moments are that important and is always keen to compare us to her friends who she claims are the same.

Just saying OP that you are not the only one in this situation. I dont know what to do either and when my attempts at having any sort of close contact (even non sexual) are rebuked I do sometimes wonder what she actually needs me for other than the ££ and child care!