Wife has no interest in sex or even holding hands!

[Jimbo54]

I am 40 years old. My wife is 8 years younger. We have a four year old and a two year old. Since my wife fell pregnant the first time, we have had sex about eight times (mostly when she, very occasionally, gets drunk). We have had absolutely no other intimacy – kissing, cuddling, anything. This isn’t by any stretch my doing. I love my wife and find her very attractive. But she simply is not interested at all in me, physically. I know what you will say – talk to her about it! I have tried. But she clearly feels uncomfortable talking about sex or intimacy and the closest thing I’ve got is “you don’t you appreciate that I’ve just had two children” with a look to say “you selfish pig, how can you expect me to have any interest in you when I’m so busy with the work/children”. Well, yes, of course I appreciate that, but I don’t see why there should be a complete embargo and for so long. It is destroying our marriage and I just cannot get it out of my mind. She says that I am a good father and I have a great relationship with the boys, but, I have to say, in fairness, she has done more of the heavy lifting with our second child than me. But I am starting to think she simply doesn’t want me in that way (she is objectively more attractive than me) and I find that very upsetting. But then I think back that when we got married, it took two weeks to consummate the marriage, so why am I surprised now? Further that, even now, when we rarely do have sex (and only the most vanilla of activity is allowed (for example, she won’t even allow snogging!)) I just know that she wants it over as quickly as is decent. In fact, now I think about it, she has never, not once, in at least the last eight years, instigated sex or any form of intimacy and I always have to do the running. I am now thinking enough is enough. But I could really do with a second opinion. Am I being selfish? Isn't this madness? What do I do? Help!

It's obvious your wife is not attracted to you. It doesn't sound like she ever really was. No amount of talking will fix this. You won't ever convince her why she SHOULD be attracted to you. She's just not .She cannot MAKE herself be attracted to you.

Don't set up any more covert contracts regarding nights out. There was really no reason to expect the night to end in sex. Doing so caused you to be disappointed.

Have you actively ruled out an affair ?

jim sorry to but in again but badbaldingballerina123 I must disagree, even though this may be the case it is not necessarily definitely the case. I think you can't rule out that Jim's wife is attracted to him now or whether or not she ever was.

I am very attracted to my husband but have had times when I have gone off sex more than I am on it! This was about stuff like child birth, weight gain, all manner of things.

Some women simply go off sex, for all kinds of reasons, and sex is not simply about who you are attracted to.

Some women date or marry men who you might think are not so great looking and then you chat to them and they are amazing, and you realise why their wives or girl friends love them.

Jim if you discuss this and your wife agrees to you having an affair then I would say it is a very sad state of affairs for your marriage and if she does not agree then you will only bring hurt into the marriage by having an affair. Which will in no way fix the situation. You need a long term solution not a quick fix, even if it may seem like that would work in the short run, IMHO.

Two weeks to consummate a marriage , sex a handful of times a year when drunk. No kissing , no touching , no affection. Separate bedrooms. No desire to change things. These are not the actions of a person who is attracted to their spouse.

Ah my mistake. Didn't read the thread properly. If she's working full time then something close to 50/50 should be expected, depending on hours worked/stress involved. Apologies!

If I could throw something into the mix here, have you considered OP that your wife might be feeling self-conscious about having sex? One's body changes (for the worse according to conventional ideas of what is considered attractive) and her lack of desire for sex could be due to her feeling uncomfortable naked more than anything else.

Jimbo, have you considered the possibility that your wife might be gagging for it but you're not giving her what she wants?

Just a thought.

I have been in the position of your wife, OP. And things between my dh and I improved, dramatically, after some open and honest talks and some hard work. Essentially (and obviously I can't go into all the details or if be typing forever!) I was overworked (working, studying, doing the bulk of the house work and childcare) and he was desperate for sex, couldn't get his head around the fact that I was genuinely exhausted at the end of the day. As he became more sexually frustrated, each touch he gave me felt like a loaded statement - and every time I felt like I was in the position of rejecting him. Constantly rejecting someone is literally the biggest turnoff ever.

Our recipe for success was this: he did more housework - half, to be precise. He cooked more, cleaned more, and also took our son out on a Saturday morning, all morning and left me in bed. Bliss. I felt cared for, appreciated, loved.

I also asked him to back off enough to let me come on to him for a change. It took a while for me to get my mojo back, but actually having the opportunity to desire someone was a real turn on.

Now I'm pregnant again and have completely gone off sex, partly due to ongoing issues with the pregnancy. But we are incredibly affectionate. But I'm not about to drop to my knees and give him a blow job in order to be a 'good wife' - if he's that in need of sexual release he can masturbate. However, if I want to do this then I will.

Ultimately this is about mutual respect. If she's not willing to talk to you, then you're a bit stumped. But if you're not willing to compromise, and recognise that this is waaaay more complicated than her simply not doing what you want her to do, then you're in serious trouble.

I'm going to confess something here. I could easily be mrsjimbob don't get me wrong it's been a hell of a lot more than 8 times In 5 years, but it's certainly not as much as dp would like.

reasons being a whole range of things. not just the whole childcare/house work split. I'm home more so I do more I can't do much about that.

But there are things that possible jimbob hasn't thought of.

personal hygiene and habits. without wishing to sound rude do you shower often do you sniff and cough all the time or slurp when you talk.

do you eat with your family, or just sit on a sofa not really being a part of anything.

do you spend alot of time playing games on computer and shouting at screens?

do you act, despite your best efforts that your wife and kids are just in the way and stop you from doing what you want to do. which is nothing.

do you wear old holey clothes and wear your underwear for 2 days straight.

do you talk to your wife. I'm not talking about complementing her. but general conversation that's not about the kids? do you share any common interests at all?

You think you don't paw at her, but could she be seeing it that way? she's good enough to have sex with but not talk to or involve her in anything outside the home?

These are things that are slowly killing it fir me over the years , is it possible it's the same your end but you just haven't noticed?

I realise these are specific things I've mentioned but if you think along the examples i have listed.....

its not always about not wanting sex but slowly over the years things can just develope that mean although they want sex they just don't want it with you.

have you discussed sexually what you like? so you can kids or touch her in a way that's enjoyable. not responding to your wife in tat way also makes you not want sex or to even touch you half the time. Sorry for teh personal questions I'm just trying to show how it can be a whole variety of reasons..your wife should feel able to say and it may well not be your fault she hasn't said but could you be mis reading her as well?

purdie The Feminists were here from the beginning of this thread. On MN we are everywhere.

Giles, that sounds tough

The other thing to consider, jimbo, is that your wife may be getting it somewhere else

Jimbo do you think your wife actually loves you?

Thanks yonic

it is. I very much agree with alot if what ovum said. about things feeling loaded and constantly feeling as if your rejecting somebody.

ultimately sometimes you just suddenly realise that you have become a different person and that they haven't. that they are the same person they have always been and now the days of going out and meeting friends are over you actually have nothing to talk about. when I first met dp the job he did we could talk about as I'd done similar stuff so I understood it we could share stories. when he changed jobs it was all completely over my head the same as most of my job was completely over his. so conversations were strained because neither one of us had anything we could share that the other person would understand. throw in maternity leave which leave you feeling out of the loop with your job and the staff and we quickly had nothing to talk about at all tbh.

I've changed alot over the years. I feel it's me that's done all the adapting to the kids. gave up time at work, gave up going out, gave up my time for drs appointment etc while he always got to carry on as normal. We have nothing in common these days and it's impossible to suggest anything without him thinking I'm trying to rail road him.into stuff.

I do wonder if op has, even without meaning to, has made his wife feel that hos life is more important and that he doesn't appreciate all she has had to change as he just works and comes home as normal.

giles I think all the things you have said in both your recent posts make a lot of sense, and OP really must think about each point carefully.

OP I suspect your wife feels horribly undervalued. Most women I know cannot separate sex from love, being appreciated, cared for, etc. It's not just a single, releasing act which sounds like what you're needing at the moment (implied by your leaning towards online dating sites). If she doesn't feel loved and valued by you, she very likely won't want to be near you. I know I didn't want to kiss my husband when I felt he didn't get what I was going through. Try to put yourself in her shoes, and show her that you're willing to do this. She may then also be able to do this for you.

So you both work full time but she does more childcare/housework than you, and you think that's fair.

Words fail me.

Precisely pocket and then he expects her to leap into bed with him after their first date night in... Years? What a turn off.

I so feel for you, my story is much the same. I love my husband so much, but sex has never been important for him. It has been a source of anguish for many, many years ( we have now been married for over 30 years) I have had to come to terms with it, it is a bit of a taboo subject. If you love her, stay with her. It has lead to lots of heartbreak and I have had major depressive episodes, but heis still my best friend and eventually I have come to accepy my life. I would rather have him with me now.

It's a real shame that you expected sex at the end of date night. I imagine your expectation tainted the whole evening. Your wife probably felt dread throughout the evening even during the bits where she could have relaxed and had fun with you.

Imagine how different the night might have been if you could have completely done away with any expectations re sex (and she knew this and trusted this) and had just enjoyed being with your wife, and focused on emotionally reconnecting with each other. You may gave started to build a tiny platform towards being together again.

I don't think you will get passed this stage positively until you give up expecting any sex until you have got back together emotionally, and move forward from there.

Start by taking responsibility for 50% of the home work.

The scent of your anger and resentment plus feeling she deserves to carry the drudge load at home (as some kind of constant punishment) plus the physical and emotional changes of bearing 2 children - I don't think it is uncommon at all to go off sex under these conditions

"Our recipe for success was this: he did more housework - half, to be precise. He cooked more, cleaned more, and also took our son out on a Saturday morning, all morning and left me in bed. Bliss. I felt cared for, appreciated, loved"

THIS!!!! It sounds so simple, but this was what worked for me. My husband wanted it everyday, twice a day (three times at weekends). I was EXHAUSTED from work, would come home and would then have to do the housework, the cooking, the cleaning etc. and this was even without children back then! I grew resentful, not just through that but other things but I was honestly literally exhausted and sleep began to take precedence over sex. I felt like a piece of meat - nothing more of a turn off than knowing that when he's touching you, offering a shoulder rub etc, it's because he's hoping for sex like a begging puppy. Anyway, everything came to a head for lots of reasons, we had a breakdown, talked things through etc, made some compromises for each other etc. The sheer simple act of doing some dishes for me, doing a little hoovering, making me dinner for a change - it all gradually began to change how I saw our relationship and made me really start to feel appreciated. I started to want to do things to make him happy in return, you know what I mean ;)

But him doing a few chores here and there etc - he did it all NOT expecting anything in return. That was the key to how my feelings changed. When he was EXPECTING something in return, that killed it for me.

Please don't try and meet anyone else whilst still in this situation, it will led from 2 (possibly 4) unhappy people to 5 very unhappy people.

The thing is - I think you know a large part of the problem is you're dumping the housework on her. You are choosing no housework over sex I'm afraid. Exhaustion does turn off the libido. As does feeling like you're parenting your partner by cleaning up after them...

She took two weeks to consummate the marriage?

I think you're a sperm donor buddy.

Ada Lovelace would still be working in Poundland if she hadn't be shagging Charles Babbage.

Are you for real, Purdie?