Did you marry the wrong guy?

[Boohoo2you2]

X-posted in chat

Name changed for anonymity

Not really looking for LTB type advice or being told what a good marriage should be- I'm well aware of that. Just want some pointers from anyone in a similar situation and advice about how you cope. Surely I'm not the only one?

Background: So, I married the wrong guy. I knew pretty early on but told myself I was being too fussy and would die an old maid if I didn't accept someone's faults. Like a lot of people sleepwalked into 2 kids and now 10 years in I feel very alone. We both know the the marriage is dead and we are staying together for the kids. He is a good father and works hard. There is no physical violence. What is missing is companionship. Right from the beginning, he wasn't the type to be into hugs and affection but he will come home and completely ignore me. No hello, how are you, how was your day. In the early days, his idea of affection was teasing me and cracking juvenile jokes. When I didn't respond enthusiastically, he saw this as rejection and stopped. He never praises me or seems proud of my achievements. If I look good,he will pointedly ignore it. When I have a problem, he will not support me or try to make it better. He ignores special occasions because they're not important to him but can't make an effort even when he knows they're important to me. I've tried so hard over the years but the last 2 years our anniversary got ignored because I figured it takes two hands to clap. He doesn't like spending time with me, hasn't for a long time. If we go for dinner, he emails for most of the time- he has a 24 hour job. ( I know what people might ask- is there another woman-I don't think so but I don't know for sure is the answer but the sad thing is I'm past caring). I'm pretty devastated as I always imagined my husband being my best friend so although I have mentally adjusted to this relationship being over I'm sad about my predicament.

So, despite all of the above, I've decided to stay because we have two young kids who need us both and I need help bringing them up and so does he. When I see their little faces and how much they love us both, I cannot bear the thought of breaking up this family. My question to anyone in the same boat who has decided to stay is- How do you do it? My strategies so far have been to spend time with friends and family(no one knows-they don't think we have the perfect marriage-anyone can see that the warmth is missing but we have a nice house, beautiful kids-we seem happy so nothing suspected). I am successful in my job but not ambitious or crazy about work. Have taken up a bit of writing here and there and try to keep fit.

The other day I actually thought about having an affair. Not someone else's bloke or misleading someone but being very open with all concerned about the situation. There is no one tangible that has prompted this (apart from Poldark). If you knew me in real life you would understand how out of character this is for me. Just worried that I'll get to 50 and find the kids have their own life and I'm stuck with no love in my life. The next question is pretty crazy. Have you in this situation found someone else and stayed in your marriage till the kids are older and separated then? If you are brave enough to talk about it, please share.

Ah so many marriage fail now days, surely it is better you split now then when your kids are older?

My marriage failed but it was a volatile relationship. Have you though of couples counselling?

well I think you should ltb - staying together for the kids is such a bad idea. What an awful blueprint that is showing them for their own marriages.

I married the wrong person - yes. I left the marriage.

Oh, OP. I think you might be me :(

Same length of time, same number of kids, same situation now. Even down to how I think other people view us and the conclusions I've come to and the things I've tried to make it ok for myself.

Except it never completely is. Is it. Someone turned my head recently. Nothing's happened. But it has made me so sad for what I'm missing. I've come here just from googling right move trying to work out how on earth we'd manage to fund two homes for the kids if I really did bite the bullet once and for all. I honestly don't know what's worse for the kids. They love him. And he's not a bad bloke. Like you, I knew I wasn't marrying my soulmate but like you, I figured all marriage is compromise to some degree. I still think that. I'm so bloody confused, I feel like I'm walking around with a loaded gun.

So. No advice. But some solidarity x

I did marry the wrong person but the key there was that he wouldn't talk about things at all.

Are you afraid of confronting him about the issues in the marriage? Have you at any point?

Just from the opening post I'd think it might be salvageable if you both want to work at it, perhaps with counselling, which might also help breaking up in the best possible way if it can't actually be saved.

No, I am very lucky but I kissed a lot of frogs on the way!

I wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship. Life is short. Surely it is better for children to have two happy parents apart than two unhappy parents together?

I would be tempted to say you could work on getting the intimacy back if you were both committed to the marriage but it sounds like you don't even like each other anymore. How can you live in the same house and not talk to each other?
You are right, you will get to fifty and find not only do you have nothing but you have both set a bad example to your children regarding what constitutes a healthy relationship.
I don't think it is even a case of LTB but you both deserve to be happy and you clearly can't do that for each other.

Not LTB, just leave.

You do not have to stay together if there is nothing in it for you. Doing the best for your kids does not mean staying in an empty marriage, no matter what.

I could see so many similarities between your marriage and mine. I could never understand how I ended up married to someone who acted as if he didn't even like me.

We papered over the cracks for two years, both knowing there was nothing there, and didn't tell anyone. It was a charade.

Eventually it blew, we couldn't keep the lid on our unhappiness, and we separated.

It ended very badly but there is nothing to suggest that your relationship would.

I can't give you hope but I would say there is probably only so long you can go on like that. It is soul-destroying and you will lose yourself.

bella, what if kids would end up with one happy parent and one very unhappy parent, apart?

Back on subject, I know someone who had an affair and waited until his kids were a bit older to leave his wife for her. He ruined his relationships with a lot of people. Had a bad split with wife and kids really struggled to forgive him for cheating on their mum, one of them (fairly understandably) was quite rude to the other woman too.

Think it's mostly ok now but he did lose his kids' respect and they blamed him for their mum being heartbroken.

Thanks everyone. Forpitysake-cheers for sharing-it really is hard, isn't it?

Every few months until last year, I'd try to have a chat about what was wrong but he'd be very dismissive-saying I'm imagining things, expecting too much. Last year, I suggested counselling, he refused. He's very much the kind of guy who thinks it isn't a problem to him so it's not a problem. He's happy with the way things are. Doesn't bother him that we don't talk. He's a rustic sort of guy. Basic wants, can do without intimacy. I'm very different, want to share my life with someone. Feel so sad.

Bloody hell. You ARE me :)

We used to hit crisis point once or twice a year. At which point I'd say all the things I needed and he, god love him, would try. He really would. But I don't think it's in him fundamentally. And I got to the point where I thought I was doing more damage trying to make him mould to what I wanted. So I stopped asking. I thought I could reconcile myself to it. Except now I think I'm starting to do myself damage instead.

But I honestly think if you showed him this thread and my posts, he'd still want me to stay.

He hasn't changed. And he IS a good guy. A really good guy.
It's me that's staring down the barrell considering wrecking everything.

I'm hoping someone else is going to come along and tell us how to make it magically ok again.

you can't make it ok - you can't change his behaviour. All you can do is leave and go find a happy life elsewhere.

Forpityssake. I think you get it. This is what my OH is like. The thing I don't like is feeling alone. This should be the most significant relationship of our lives. Not being able to share your life with your partner is so sad.

I too am hoping somebody comes along to say that there's a way for it to work. Maybe, over time couples make their peace with each other's shortcomings and find some sort of acceptance, I don't know. I feel vulnerable. If a soulmate type person were to pop along, I'm not sure what I'd do TBH

The thing about wanting him to change is that he'd probably also want you to change some things about yourself. Would you be prepared to do it?

Also, if you grabbed this with both hands and told him that the way you are both going it will end up with you apart, do you think he might take you seriously and put in some effort, say agree to counselling?

hmmm, I think, Boohoo and Forpityssake, you have been reading my diary!

Nice bloke, good dad, hard worker.

But. But. No sex for over 10 years at his instigation. I'm going to go to my grave never making love to anyone again, is my fear. Because if I stay, that's my future; and I fear that if I leave, that's my future too.

But it isn't just the lack of sex (though god knows it's battered my self esteem to a jelly), it's the lack of fun, joy, enthusiasm for anything.

He moans about his work; moans about the house; moans about the TV. I honestly cannot recall him being excited about anything, or expressing happiness at anything.

The worst thing is, I think I'm doing this to him. I hate how I am around him; I'm becoming someone I really don't like. Carping, selfish, critical, blaming.

But like you both, they love their dad, he loves them. My kids are late teens now so the exit point if you like, is staring me in the face. I too haunt prime mover to see if I could afford a house nearby. Then I see what I could afford, and look at the home we have here, and my heart fails me. And I look at other blokes my age and older and think, what's the point of changing one for another?

And if I'm really honest, I'm bloody terrified that I'd find I cannot be nice and loving to anyone; that I'm not lovable. ANd in that case, my partner isn't that bad in fact he's quite amazing to tolerate me.

I can go from 'it's all his fault' to 'it's all my fault' in about 10 seconds flat. Result - paralysis.

And we all know just how fast the sodding weeks and months and years go, eh?

So how many years have you got left in captivity?

Jack. Yes. All that too x

Oh Jack, all of that. Ditto ditto ditto. :( facing a lifetime of no sex

Yes I would be prepared to change. If he takes a step towards me, I'd take two more towards him. He just doesn't see it as a problem. The last time we had crisis talks, he mentioned dome things around the house that were irritating him. I don't do them anymore. I've tried. I don't think he's capable of doing the same. It's not in him.

Years in captivity-16 for youngest to hit Uni

I could cry reading the posts from op and others....
Yes, I totally understand trying to stay together for the sake of children (I've been there, done that), but PLEASE: consider yourselves...
Do you want to be in a marriage where you're doing all of the work?
Do you feel valued?
Do you feel that your DP / DH wants to be with you - or is it the 'easier option'?
Forgive me if I'm projecting...
But sometimes if a situation isn't right, it isn't right, no matter how you keep trying to re-write it.

Definitely yes and can't leave.

OP you are lovely. Its normal. Do you both want a nice simple life? If the answer is yes forget all the crappy stuff and get on with the hard work of being a family with the odd nod to each other that you LIKE each other. Far too much of this world is about comparing our lives with peers and celebrities. Shelter, food on the table and love for each other is more than enough to make the average person happy.