Did you marry the wrong guy?

[Boohoo2you2]

X-posted in chat

Name changed for anonymity

Not really looking for LTB type advice or being told what a good marriage should be- I'm well aware of that. Just want some pointers from anyone in a similar situation and advice about how you cope. Surely I'm not the only one?

Background: So, I married the wrong guy. I knew pretty early on but told myself I was being too fussy and would die an old maid if I didn't accept someone's faults. Like a lot of people sleepwalked into 2 kids and now 10 years in I feel very alone. We both know the the marriage is dead and we are staying together for the kids. He is a good father and works hard. There is no physical violence. What is missing is companionship. Right from the beginning, he wasn't the type to be into hugs and affection but he will come home and completely ignore me. No hello, how are you, how was your day. In the early days, his idea of affection was teasing me and cracking juvenile jokes. When I didn't respond enthusiastically, he saw this as rejection and stopped. He never praises me or seems proud of my achievements. If I look good,he will pointedly ignore it. When I have a problem, he will not support me or try to make it better. He ignores special occasions because they're not important to him but can't make an effort even when he knows they're important to me. I've tried so hard over the years but the last 2 years our anniversary got ignored because I figured it takes two hands to clap. He doesn't like spending time with me, hasn't for a long time. If we go for dinner, he emails for most of the time- he has a 24 hour job. ( I know what people might ask- is there another woman-I don't think so but I don't know for sure is the answer but the sad thing is I'm past caring). I'm pretty devastated as I always imagined my husband being my best friend so although I have mentally adjusted to this relationship being over I'm sad about my predicament.

So, despite all of the above, I've decided to stay because we have two young kids who need us both and I need help bringing them up and so does he. When I see their little faces and how much they love us both, I cannot bear the thought of breaking up this family. My question to anyone in the same boat who has decided to stay is- How do you do it? My strategies so far have been to spend time with friends and family(no one knows-they don't think we have the perfect marriage-anyone can see that the warmth is missing but we have a nice house, beautiful kids-we seem happy so nothing suspected). I am successful in my job but not ambitious or crazy about work. Have taken up a bit of writing here and there and try to keep fit.

The other day I actually thought about having an affair. Not someone else's bloke or misleading someone but being very open with all concerned about the situation. There is no one tangible that has prompted this (apart from Poldark). If you knew me in real life you would understand how out of character this is for me. Just worried that I'll get to 50 and find the kids have their own life and I'm stuck with no love in my life. The next question is pretty crazy. Have you in this situation found someone else and stayed in your marriage till the kids are older and separated then? If you are brave enough to talk about it, please share.

Reject someone, squash someone, withhold affection and sex from someone, watch them suffer for years, then when they have given up on happiness and resigned themselves to life as a sex less thrall, cheat on them because you don't get enough affection.

I'd agree. You are holding it out, see it as a problem. He doesn't, probably because he has nowhere else to go.
I bet he'll ditch you the minute the finds someone he is actually happy to talk to.
And you keep making all the sacrifices. For?

Thanks Didn'tseeit. This is the attitude I'm aiming for, just a little hard when you need support and intimacy from your husband and he cant be bothered to make that effort. I agree expectations of marriages have probably changed and actually people in my mothers generation for instance, would just get on with it and accept as their lot. Which is what I'm trying to do. And I definitely try not to compare with magazine lifestyle and celebrity marriages-(most of them are disasters anyway!)

I'm second time around. First time he completely got me. We finished each others sentences. He was my 'soul mate'. Nice house, gorgeous kids. We were independently desperately unhappy.
In the end he became an alcoholic and had affairs which were the catalyst but not the reason for the break up.
Now, years later I'm married again to a man who makes me smile for different reasons. On paper we are far from a good match. Logically we are far from a good match. But... he is my best and closest friend, to the point where when my marriage feels a bit stale I can talk it through with him. In reality when things get tough we just keep going. When things seem impossible we both dig deep and it works out.
With hindsight, if I had known what I know now, my expectations would have been much more realistic. I love DH to bits, but if he had been my first husband we would have divorced long before we actually got married, because I know myself much better now, after years as a single Mum, than I did then...

Is he a good guy? Really? He pointedly ignores you when you look good or voice any unhappiness? He may not be a bastard, but he's cold and uninterested, and those who are cold and uninterested in their personal relationships do not deserve the people they make miserable.

You cannot have an affair or an open relationship, because you are so desperately - and understandably - craving emotional intimacy you will fall head over heels with the first person who makes you feel special and probably end up wrecking your marriage anyway and somehow finding yourself cast in the role of unfaithful evil-doing bitch despite the fact that your H has treated you like a glorified housekeeper/nanny throughout your marriage.

You are scared of upsetting the applecart far more than you are about hurting your H (who clearly doesn't care about hurting you when he dismisses your unhappiness so easily). Don't make excuses to hide behind. If you face them, you might actually find the courage to do something about it rather than beat yourself further and further down until you are incapable of doing anything other than sleep-walking into an unhappy old age with him.

I know it's difficult and easy for someone else to say when it's not their life. You struggle because you're a nice person with a conscience. But please don't let it be used against you.

Hello ladies.

I am not married so can't offer any thoughts on what you face there.

What I can talk to you about is the little houses you are seeing on your house hunting websites. They may not be the big houses your currently have but think about the colour schemes you can have, all your way. You can have the heating on how you like it, watch what you like on TV, have long baths, early nights. Parties at weekends, friends to crash everywhere. Sex with strangers on the living room floor. Over time, make the house the home you love. It may be small but when it is clean and you are in it by yourself, looking round it, there really is no place like home. and it is not somewhere you are considering leaving either. It's good, not bad. It is easier to clean as well. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad?

Well I think OP has two children so she won't exactly be on her own in any new house.

I think in this situation OP you really might be justified in giving an ultimatum.

Could you boil down what you want into say a top five priorities?

My parents had a very cold marriage where they stayed together until just after.my younger sister went.to uni. It never for a moment fooled us, I remember deciding with my sister when we were 8 and 6 which parent.we would live with /when/ my parents split up. All its done in the long term is make.them both unhappy for far longer than they needed to be and has given myself and my.sister a truly awful example of hiw marriages work which are fighting against in our adult.lives.

I don't think anyone really benefits in these situations.

Jesus. A number of you on this thread (OP included) sound just so resigned about staying in inadequate marriages.

It's not an ok marriage if you don't feel ok in it.

You're hurting yourselves.

I nearly did, in the sense that I was in a serious relationship that I wanted to result in marriage because a. I thought I was in love and b. isn't that what everyone does after 5 years?

We didn't get engaged and thank God I met my now dh. However, had I married the wrong guy, I would hope that I would be able to draw on all the other 'nearly' people I know who have divorced and moved on.

It's very easy to make a big mistake but it's hopefully easy to rectify it.

Yes, I did, I shouldn't have married him. But I had to get out of my parents' house and that was the only way.

I had dd with him and she is my world, so I couldn't go back and not marry him...

But he was no good as a husband or father. We separated when dd was four.

OP (and others) - I don't think I could live in the kind of relationship you are talking about. Relationships are bloody hard work, but if you don't have intimacy and companionship is it a relationship?

Wouldn't it be possible to split up amicably, and for the children to still be very involved with their dad? I know some families where this has worked, some even spend every Christmas and Easter together but the parents have separate lives. Surely your children would be happier if their mother was happy and fulfilled? And ime, single men get into new relationships pretty quickly

I have ummed and ahhedd about posting on this thread but I have had enough wine to feel brave enough to do so. I totally identify with you OP and it's a horrible situation to be in. H is not a terrible person but I KNOW that he has done a number on me, and worse, I allowed it and continue to allow it to happen.
The worst thing is that I am completely reliant on him financially, that's not to say that we are financially secure, we aren't at all but we get by, but I ALLOWED this to happen. Sometimes I wonder where the girl that left home at 17 and supported herself through university at 28 went. H has NO interest in me and my Dd, no interest in me at all and I have kidded myself that this is ok. It's not though, I'm staring down the barrel of 50 where my only feasible option is to move in with my parents.
This wasn't meant to be my life

ditherydora H isn't involved in our Dd's life as it is. He has had NC with his own dad for years after his parents divorced when he was 13. My MIL recognises how he is replicating his father's behaviour and is terrified that I will divorce him.

i am so sorry to hear that darkside. your poor Dd

I haven't read all the replies OP but your post was so sad. You only get one life and for you go live the rest of yours in such a relationship breaks my heart. You both deserve better.

It is heartbreaking dithery. Thank GOD my Df has been a massive part of her life since birth. Dd is only 7 though and adores my H. I hope and hope that he will step up to the mark but in my heart of hearts I know that he won't. To be fair to him he does acknowledge that I have brought her up to be AMAZING, pretty much single handed [stealth boast]
However, it's just another way of letting himself off the hook. I can't bear it that her own Daddy will probably be the one to make the scales fall from her eyes

I left. Broke up my family of 3 kids, to be with my first love after 10 years in a similar marriage to yours. I'm happy nf totally in love now, 3 years on, but the guilt and ex husband are still there.
It's been a long slog, the kids are fine and love their time with each of us. I hope they see that in happy now and forgive me when they are grown up.
I'd not had sec for 3 years with exdh so to be in a loving sexual relationship now is so exhilarating, I fancy the pants off of DP, warts and all and would marry him in a second....very different to how I felt about my ex.

I left. Broke up my family of 3 kids, to be with my first love after 10 years in a similar marriage to yours. I'm happy nf totally in love now, 3 years on, but the guilt and ex husband are still there.
It's been a long slog, the kids are fine and love their time with each of us. I hope they see that in happy now and forgive me when they are grown up.
I'd not had sec for 3 years with exdh so to be in a loving sexual relationship now is so exhilarating, I fancy the pants off of DP, warts and all and would marry him in a second....very different to how I felt about my ex.

This is so sad. When I met DH I had your mindset - all my previous relationships where I had that complete falling in love had not worked out and I wanted someone who would be everything you describe: a good father, husband and affectionate. I saw his flaws immediately and never thought we would have a long term relationship but the end result is that we are married happily and I definitely don't think I would have been happier with anyone else.

Like your DH he is not affectionate in a conventional way doesn't do hugs / kisses / declarations of love. I have had to accept this about him. Sometimes it does make me a bit sad because I want to hear it from him that he finds me attractive - other men have said it to me but it would make me feel so much more validated to hear it from him. In saying all this, I have discovered the little ways he does show affection - like buying me my favourite food and setting up a new computer for me and supporting me in my career. I have also recently discovered the benefit of complete honesty and telling him if I'm not happy rather than just saying "I'm fine" when he asks. I have learnt to tell him that the reason why I am not happy about something is because I like him and want to spend time with him (whatever it is).

Every relationship is different and maybe your H might not be responsive (mine loves talking) but if you are going to stay with him then both of you need to be honest, talk and appreciate each other's good points.

There is a world of difference between lack of affection and out and out indifference though. To the outside world he LUUURVES me so much, I am so laid back! 7 years of separate bedrooms and 18 months of absolutely zero sex sends a huge message to me sadly

nail on the head claw. My Dd's happiness really really is far more important to me. After all I am the adult and she didn't choose to be born to us. I am utterly DETERMINED that she won't replicate my life though, my fierce, gorgeous, independent GIRRRRRL

darkside - without meaning to be nasty, I don't get how people stay in relationships with so little intimacy. I know couples in RL who have been together for years without any sex. But to me that is (at best) a friendship. obviously not everyone is gagging for it all the time but so long? I admire you for sticking it out but I don't think I could

I thought it seemed a bit judgy tbh darkside, but I'm glad someone else feels similarly and if I'm bonkers, I'm at least not alone and bonkers :D

I feel the same about my babies. They won't experience a broken home if I can help it.