Did you marry the wrong guy?

[Boohoo2you2]

X-posted in chat

Name changed for anonymity

Not really looking for LTB type advice or being told what a good marriage should be- I'm well aware of that. Just want some pointers from anyone in a similar situation and advice about how you cope. Surely I'm not the only one?

Background: So, I married the wrong guy. I knew pretty early on but told myself I was being too fussy and would die an old maid if I didn't accept someone's faults. Like a lot of people sleepwalked into 2 kids and now 10 years in I feel very alone. We both know the the marriage is dead and we are staying together for the kids. He is a good father and works hard. There is no physical violence. What is missing is companionship. Right from the beginning, he wasn't the type to be into hugs and affection but he will come home and completely ignore me. No hello, how are you, how was your day. In the early days, his idea of affection was teasing me and cracking juvenile jokes. When I didn't respond enthusiastically, he saw this as rejection and stopped. He never praises me or seems proud of my achievements. If I look good,he will pointedly ignore it. When I have a problem, he will not support me or try to make it better. He ignores special occasions because they're not important to him but can't make an effort even when he knows they're important to me. I've tried so hard over the years but the last 2 years our anniversary got ignored because I figured it takes two hands to clap. He doesn't like spending time with me, hasn't for a long time. If we go for dinner, he emails for most of the time- he has a 24 hour job. ( I know what people might ask- is there another woman-I don't think so but I don't know for sure is the answer but the sad thing is I'm past caring). I'm pretty devastated as I always imagined my husband being my best friend so although I have mentally adjusted to this relationship being over I'm sad about my predicament.

So, despite all of the above, I've decided to stay because we have two young kids who need us both and I need help bringing them up and so does he. When I see their little faces and how much they love us both, I cannot bear the thought of breaking up this family. My question to anyone in the same boat who has decided to stay is- How do you do it? My strategies so far have been to spend time with friends and family(no one knows-they don't think we have the perfect marriage-anyone can see that the warmth is missing but we have a nice house, beautiful kids-we seem happy so nothing suspected). I am successful in my job but not ambitious or crazy about work. Have taken up a bit of writing here and there and try to keep fit.

The other day I actually thought about having an affair. Not someone else's bloke or misleading someone but being very open with all concerned about the situation. There is no one tangible that has prompted this (apart from Poldark). If you knew me in real life you would understand how out of character this is for me. Just worried that I'll get to 50 and find the kids have their own life and I'm stuck with no love in my life. The next question is pretty crazy. Have you in this situation found someone else and stayed in your marriage till the kids are older and separated then? If you are brave enough to talk about it, please share.

Hi Boohoo, I am in something of the same boat, and my heart goes out to you. I know i don't want my marriage to fail, but it can be lonely and miserable sometimes dedicating myself to making this whole family work yet feeling my own needs are not being met. I have found a lot of strength in some of the online counselling out there. I like this guide: www.relationshipscoach.co.uk/blog/7-simple-actions-to-transform-your-relationship/ , because it reiterated to me that there is plenty I can do by myself to improve the situation, i.e. not necessarily depending on both of us having counselling. (I haven't exactly managed the sex part of it yet though! ) We have good periods now, which we never had before when the kids were very young, so I am sure the future holds different phases when we may see better times together more easily. Good luck and be strong, don't write things off unless you have to I reckon. xx

I can feel your despair in your posts. I doubt you are going to last another 16 years though. My bet is that another person will invade your marriage as you are both ripe for something of that nature.

That will throw a new light on things for both of you. Feeling alive, then going home to the empty marriage but not even friends, if it's not a marriage or a friendship then what the hell is it?

I do admire you not wanting to break the family up but if your dh loved the kids as much as you say couldn't he still pay the fees in the event of a split?

Do email him, tell him that how your marriage operates will affect the children. Daddy doesn't greet mummy when he gets in from work? All terrible examples of a marriage. Is that how you want to show your son to greet his wife when he gets one? Because our environment is paramount to our own relationships as adults.

There is a lot more at stake here than your private school. The very people you are trying to protect are also caught up in this unhappy home. Children see everything. They might not be able to process what it means but it all goes in and they make sense of it when their mind finally allows it.

Tell your husband all of it. Ask how he feels remaining this way for 16 years.....................

Yes I did. I came from a fairly emotionally unavailable background. Needless to say when I got married I chose a man who was completely self-absorbed and emotionally abusive. I was with him for thirty years, we had children, a home etc. I never ever put myself or what I wanted first because I thought that in a relationship you had to give to the other person.

Eventually he ground me down sufficiently that I lost all confidence, lost my job, turned to comfort eating and piled on the pounds. He left me for an OW after being unfaithful many times and we are now divorced. Do you know what the one thing that really pisses me off is? I wasted my life with him when I could have had a good life. I don't mourn him or the marriage that was not really a marriage, I don't think he ever really thought I was good enough for him anyway, but I do mourn the life I could have had. I am in my mid fifties now and I will never get the years of my youth back. I can see now that my children are growing up and don't need me so much, so the one thing I have clung to all these years is (quite rightly) moving away too.

You only have one life OP, take it from me, don't waste it. Looking back on a wasted life is truly crap.

I don't have any advise, but I am so sorry for those of you in these utterly dire sounding relationships.

My standards for a relationship are quite unbelievably high, in terms of both how I behave to my DH and how he behaves towards me. And that is because of what I witnessed in my parents marriage.... A profoundly loving, affectionate, caring, supportive and fun marriage. I was surrounded by that as a child, and the confidence, optimism and strength that it has given me in life is priceless. I want that for my children. Happily, I am pretty confident that DH and I are giving them just that.

Boohoo I'm in the same boat than you (as a few others!) too.
I Have been married for 15 years and tbf, DH would be most hurt if he was reading I'm feeling like this.
Because basically he is a very nice bloke and wants me to be happy but the small talk, the hugs are just too much for him.

I have been on the verge of leaving all the time when the dcs were little. But I had no financial independence (BIG mistake) and I was so run down emotionally that I just couldn't contemplate it.
In the mean time, I thought the best was to make it work the best I could.

So I decided that with or without him, I wanted to be happy (and not as irritable as I was!). I worked on that, for myself and my own wellbeing. I stopped expecting things he can't give me and sought them outside my marriage. Not the sex (ie I never had an affair) but the talking and the sharing ideas. I got some massages to get some touch (hand massage is a really lovely thing to do when you crave touch). I arranged my life so that I was happy - but wo needing him iyswim.

The upshot of that attitude is that things got much much calmer at home, Dh didn't feel pressured anymore so became calmer and therefore more open to do the things I miss .

We did have sex, even thought very very little during quite a few years and certainly not good quality sex (And I did avoid it for a LONG time) but again things have settled down and we do have sex some time to time. I think he enjoys it. I'm getting the hugs/touch I need that way.

Now, is that the best situation ever? No It's not. I would love some good sex and someone to talk to/share my day in the evenings. I would love someone who is sharing their day with me! And sometimes I dream that I'm leaving and meeting someone I'm close to.

On the other side, I also know what I would be leaving. A home that is stable, a man who will always do his best for me to be happy (even if it does often feel it's not good enough iyswim). I'm not British and know I would not be able to go back to my home country but on the other side, I still feel not integrated at all here (It might be because of where we leave but then having no experience of living anywhere else in the UK, I don't know for sure. Is it me or is the town??) and that makes me think I would actually struggle to find anyone else. So the choice in my eyes is staying or being on my own. Not being with someone else if that makes sense.
Atm, staying wins because I'm not unhappy anymore. I get some support I wouldn't have otherwise. I just don't have a relationship in the way most people think about.

Oh and all the things such as not greeting me when he arrives back home etc... I'm using the dcs to make him realise how wrong it is and to push him to make an effort and change.
By that, I mean that these are all things he wouldn't accept from the dcs so I keep telling him that if he is happy to ask the dcs to do it, then he has to do it himself! That seem to have the trick even though it took a long time
So he is doing all that. It's forced that much is clear but he is doing it.

starting to wonder myself too.

Hi,

I have just checked my thread and have come across your very kind post. Thanks for the link-I will look into it. It is encouraging to hear that there may be a way forward with this. Making modest progress with the communication and trying to be positive.

Thanks again.

Best wishes

Sorry that was meant for thatsouchy and justlikeme-pressed send too soon.

I have married the wrong guy, and unlike many of yours he is not even a "nice bloke". He cheats, lies and is mean. He does not love me, I wonder if he ever did.

It took time for me to realise that I have tried hard enough, and I absolutely do not want to continue living like this. I only need to find the easiest way out (which is to make him to make a decision to leave, rather for me chucking him out).

You come to the point where you know it is not worth it. You just know it. I doubted for several years as I really wanted to stay together for my DC, but now I know, it cannot work and it is not worth it.

If you are still in doubt, perhaps there is still a chance for you.