Did you marry the wrong guy?

[Boohoo2you2]

X-posted in chat

Name changed for anonymity

Not really looking for LTB type advice or being told what a good marriage should be- I'm well aware of that. Just want some pointers from anyone in a similar situation and advice about how you cope. Surely I'm not the only one?

Background: So, I married the wrong guy. I knew pretty early on but told myself I was being too fussy and would die an old maid if I didn't accept someone's faults. Like a lot of people sleepwalked into 2 kids and now 10 years in I feel very alone. We both know the the marriage is dead and we are staying together for the kids. He is a good father and works hard. There is no physical violence. What is missing is companionship. Right from the beginning, he wasn't the type to be into hugs and affection but he will come home and completely ignore me. No hello, how are you, how was your day. In the early days, his idea of affection was teasing me and cracking juvenile jokes. When I didn't respond enthusiastically, he saw this as rejection and stopped. He never praises me or seems proud of my achievements. If I look good,he will pointedly ignore it. When I have a problem, he will not support me or try to make it better. He ignores special occasions because they're not important to him but can't make an effort even when he knows they're important to me. I've tried so hard over the years but the last 2 years our anniversary got ignored because I figured it takes two hands to clap. He doesn't like spending time with me, hasn't for a long time. If we go for dinner, he emails for most of the time- he has a 24 hour job. ( I know what people might ask- is there another woman-I don't think so but I don't know for sure is the answer but the sad thing is I'm past caring). I'm pretty devastated as I always imagined my husband being my best friend so although I have mentally adjusted to this relationship being over I'm sad about my predicament.

So, despite all of the above, I've decided to stay because we have two young kids who need us both and I need help bringing them up and so does he. When I see their little faces and how much they love us both, I cannot bear the thought of breaking up this family. My question to anyone in the same boat who has decided to stay is- How do you do it? My strategies so far have been to spend time with friends and family(no one knows-they don't think we have the perfect marriage-anyone can see that the warmth is missing but we have a nice house, beautiful kids-we seem happy so nothing suspected). I am successful in my job but not ambitious or crazy about work. Have taken up a bit of writing here and there and try to keep fit.

The other day I actually thought about having an affair. Not someone else's bloke or misleading someone but being very open with all concerned about the situation. There is no one tangible that has prompted this (apart from Poldark). If you knew me in real life you would understand how out of character this is for me. Just worried that I'll get to 50 and find the kids have their own life and I'm stuck with no love in my life. The next question is pretty crazy. Have you in this situation found someone else and stayed in your marriage till the kids are older and separated then? If you are brave enough to talk about it, please share.

dithery there is a MASSIVE back story to this but it's not my thread so I would be rude to hijack it. 15 years is a long long time to have your confidence chipped and chipped away at. It utterly fucking SUCKS though. Worse, it is self fulfilling because I know that I am complicit in this ridiculous farce if that makes sense?

Not at ALL Claw If anything I am a product of a parentthat totally put their happiness to one side for the sake of the kids. My Mum is a fucking LOON that made her unhappiness apparent to us all the time, whereas my dad did all the hard work, and it NEVER seemed like he sacrificed his happiness, WE were his happiness as my Dd is to me.
I would never put myself before my Dd, but I hope that I can be like my Dad and never let her know that if that makes sense?

luckily I can vent on here

Well I do think everyone's happiness is important and primordially the children's but my parents separated when my sister was a teenager, my brother 8 and I was 4, and I was the least affected and my sister the most affected, so I think staying together for the children could be a dangerous game. IMHO, it is easier for younger children when their parents split up.

And although there are lots of lovely stories on MN of people who have remarried, there is no guarantee that that will happen and I don't think that should be part of the planning, however at the moment, OP, you do run the risk of actually meeting someone and having an affair, which would be seriously damaging to your children.

Boohoo you marriage could be recovered. Sounds like you rejected him in the beginning and in turn he shut down. That is understandable. He is human. You then shut down and the cycle continued plunging the two of your further apart.

Do either of you want more from tjis relationship? If so, what about counselling?

Op if your dcs are still only toddlers it's better for them to have a big change now rather than in 10 years time.

Imo dcs who parents split when they are very young adapt easily.

I think the hardest age is when they are 10-16.

If you stay now might dp be the one who decides to break you up in 10 years? How will you feel then when you have stuck it out unhappily for years only for him to end it at the worst time?

My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage. No recognition of anniversaries. No handholding, hugs, kisses or I love yous. Dcs notice this stuff. They became empty nest divorcers. Only it was the more 'unreasonable' partner who did the leaving not the one who had put up with so much for decades.

I echo what karigan says. I'm a product of a cold marriage and they split when I went to Uni. I remember being amazed when I saw my parents hold hands once on holiday. Your children know exactly what's going on and I am a product of my parents marriage. I'm cold and uncommunicative in relationships (although I have lots of friends). I wish they had split earlier before it got to them having affairs and having a horrible split.

I'm in the same situation but 10 years further down the line.

I married a selfish and self centred man who was only affectionate when he was getting his own way on everything. He could otherwise be nasty and cold. I learned just to go my own way and disengage from him for the sake of giving my children a secure childhood. I knew I would lose my nice house in a good area and end up (possibly) in some sink estate trying to protect my children from their environment and in poor schools. I was not prepared to do this and tKe the risk with their lives. I knew that it would be me that suffered so that they didn't. My ex (we divorced recently when the kids left home) was a reasonable father and I made the best I could of it with friendships and a brief affair (never disclosed) a few years ago.

Was it worth it? For my children yes, as they are both successful and happy people. Would they have been happier if they had seen their parents happier? Possibly, but they have managed this anyway. Would I have tolerated violence or rage So? No. For myself I am sad that I married such a waste of my time and never have any contact with him. I am alone, but I have friends and family and may find that special person one day, but I am not holding my breath. I have hobbies and interests. I see longer married couples who are together but not happy and I don't believe everyone will find that Mr right anyway. If they do they are very lucky but I don't wast time believing if I had only married someone else all would have been wonderful, when it could have been worse. I guess I am just pragmatic about it all.

Please don't stay together, your kids deserve a marriage that's full of love and life. Could you live with yourself if they follow your lead in finding their own relationships? A DS that thinks it's okay to treat his wife like that at dinner? A DD that accepts any man because mum says she'll die an old spinster maid otherwise? You need to stop this thinking that the best thing for children is "not a divorce". Imagine what they could gain from seeing you happy, healthy with a man who is a fantastic role model in a relationship.
Please reevaluate the priority here. You are trapping your children in your loveless "marriage".

My parents split up when I was at university and I was utterly relieved and continue to be happy they were apart. Perhaps you think children don't notice that you never touch, have separate beds and never say anything nice to each other but they do!

I am happier that my parents are both happier in their newer relationships.

I love my mum so much, I would feel sick if she had stayed with my dad 'for me' and for our family- I want her life to be happy and for her to feel loved and treasured (which has happened as she met a really nice person). Sacrifice is not all one way and when your children grow up, they may see things very differently than the way you imagine.

If my husband didn't touch me or treat me romantically for even a week, I couldn't stand it, I think going into years or decades like that must eat away at who you are.

But parents aren't just there to sacrifice themselves for the next generation- what if your children saw your example and did exactly that themselves? Would that count as a success? If you would be horrified for your son or daughter then you should be horrified for yourself, as you are the model for their own self-esteem and loving relationships and you are a person in your own right, not just some pawn to be sacrificed for the next generation.

Plus, there's nothing stopping children having a relationship with their father anyway- I still do with my dad, 20 years after the divorce. It doesn't all depend on one person (usually the mum) putting away their sense of self, romantic feelings and hopes and dreams in life for that to happen, and I would feel eternally guilty if it had.

The napolean. You accept though that your parents both provided you with a stable home, the ability to attend good schools and attend university. Maybe this wouldn't have been the case due to financial circumstances and you could have had a completely different path in life.

The fact is mothers with the care of children (usually) often need to work full time, may not have good housing, their children need to go to schools where drugs are rife, and it is out of the frying pan into the fire.

Who is to say that Mr Perfect is out there waiting to take you and your children on and be the loving husband you want? If there are that many of them floating around how come so many women end up with shitty husbands. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try if that is what you want, but rose tinted specs have no place in the real world.

So many unhappy marriages. My heart goes out to all of you, I wish there was an easy solution

Mimi you are saying this as if lone parents are different from the rest of us, I have had (and still have) lots of friends who are lone parents whose children just go to the local school, work part-time (top up child tax credits) and get housing benefit- they live in the same type of house as me a few doors down and go to the same school!

I went to the local comp, not sure you would describe that as a 'good' school but it was fine.

Yes, life is hard if you don't have a partner, because you don't have the emotional support of someone else, you may have less income, and all of the stress of the day to day life of caring is on you. Unless of course, you have a crap partner, who does none of these things anyway- in which case, life will be better.

It's up to you, but in the UK I wouldn't let material reasons trap me in a deeply unhappy marriage, that's what the benefit system is for, or yes, you could work full time. That's what my mum did, she threw herself back into work, got a small mortgage, worked for twenty odd years paying heavily into her pension with top up contributions and has now retired at 65.

As for new partners, not everyone wants one. But if you want one, clearly there are other 40-80 year olds who have also got divorced, widowed, never married and want to meet other people. My mum has had two relationships since her divorce and is in a wide circle of friends many of whom have also found love second/third time around.

This is not rose-tinted at all, you are right though, if you divorce expecting to get richer and meet the man of your dreams, it is not likely to work out. If you divorce knowing you don't have to get up the next day looking at a person who appears to plain dislike you and isn't interested in your presence on the planet, I would think that counts as a bonus.

These posts are very very sad. I'm not telling anyone what to do though, just presenting some alternative thoughts- surely most people do know other people who have divorced and whose lives are ok?

newrule It is salvageable, this is why it's so frustrating. I want to make it work. He doesn't. He agrees we are not suited to each other but his attitude is: we made a mistake now we live with it. Shit happens. My attitude is- we made a mistake- let's try and make the best of a bad situation. But he has everything he needs so doesn't see the point. It's me who needs intimacy and doesn't have it-he could do without.

Mrsjskeleton, my daughter will not have a mum who tells her she will die an old maid if she doesn't settle for someone. That is what I used to think when I was younger but it is not something my daughter will get from me. I was quite old fashioned and not as experienced with relationships as I should have been(1 long term relationship pre-husband) and my message to my daughter would be- date a lot of guys, make mistakes if needed and really know what you want. Don't settle for anything less than happy.

As for the message this is sending my children, of course I worry about that all the time. However, life could be much worse for them if we split. 1stly, he is not a very mature person and it would definitely NOT be amicable. He would make me out to be the villain and create problems, I am sure. Secondly, the children are/will be in a good school(private because state schools are awful round here). We are not rich-don't do holidays etc but are in a nice house and the kids are settled. For me to get the support I would need from my parents I would need to uproot them and take them 100 miles away. This would be very traumatic for them. They may not end up in a good school/nice house and I may end up alone and miserable. I have weighed things up and am trying to do the best for them. putting my own needs aside. I am not a saint but in my book, this is part of the job description of being a parent. I will not make them feel guilty in the future for my unhappiness. These are my decisions and I am responsible for them, no one else. I will make that very clear. Hopefully they will see that they have a mother who tried to put them first, regardless of whether it turns out to be the wrong decision in the future or not.

We both shower them with love, they know they are valued and they are confident bubbly kids so I hope that the fact that we are not close will not stopping them from becoming successful in their own personal lives.

Sorry to hear so many others in the same boat. Is it possible to be happy without a caring husband/partner? This is a question I'm asking myself...

Can't remebrr if this thread on the other x posted one but someone mentioned emailing him and listing 5 priorities. I am thinking of giving it one last shot. Our chats are meant with rolled eyes, I sure the email will be the same but atleast it will be in black and white how I feel....

Sounds like there is a lot more at stake four dc than the average OP, if they are at private schools? Presumably they would have to go to state schools if you split up? If I were you I'd be tempted to make that transition before the actual split.

It's certainly possible to be happy without a caring partner but I'm not sure you could achieve that without being honest with yourself and your partner about what was going on. If not then personally the fake aspect of it would get very confusing imho.

My advice, in the meantime while you're making your decision, build up your single life as much as poss, hobbies, friends, goals, career etc. Shift the focus.

*more at stake for your dc

Bunchofhives-thanks. yes probably state school which is what we had intended until we moved here so doesn't bother me. Problem is the schools here are really quite bad(think swearing 4 year olds) so I would have to move and for support it would have to be close to my folks which is more uncertainty as they are far away and schools there not great either.

I am doing exactly what you suggest which is building up my hobbies, seeing friends often and not compromising my career in any way.

OP, my situation is very similar to yours only I've been married for twenty years not ten. My youngest child will be going to uni in Sept so I am seriously considering starting divorce proceeding then.

You say you're considering having an affair? I won't bore you with the details but I recently had an affair and it made me realise what I was missing!

Alaughaminute-slightly envious and I have a feeling the details won't be boring !!

I'll spare you the details but having not had any decent sex for I don't know how long I was absolutely gagging for it! Let's just say that I wasn't disappointed!

Sorry, but being in state schools is what 90% of the population do, and whilst some are bad, many are fine or even very good. Plus if you care about education, you can do lots of things to maximise your chances of getting a good education- do lots of extra work at home, tutor, fight to get them in the best school in the area, be strategic about where you get a house, and so on.

You are trapped now, if you want to continue four children in private education and living with a husband who doesn't even appear to like you is the price to be paid for that.

You sound like an intelligent sensitive person who has found themselves in a difficult situation, but I think you could challenge your thinking a lot more about the private school/big house issues. You also sound like you will be increasingly lonely over the years- especially if you haven't told any friends or family about this. Why not just live a more honest life? My close friends know about my marriage, I know about theirs. We don't air this everywhere, but I would just hate the idea of having to pretend all the time, isn't it tiring? No wonder you are fantasizing about having an affair, it must seem very tempting.

You are in a better position than most if you have the option of family support. I also think you might be surprised how financially well off you would be if you divorced a reasonably wealthy man, as assets are divided on divorce and it may be your suppositions about your immense drop in lifestyle (to state school and an ordinary house like most people live in) are actually not correct.

If he was an amazing dad, this would weigh it differently for me, because I think the children would benefit from having a close involved parent around on a daily basis- but you know what, these cold men rarely are really so hands on and loving with their children, especially as they get older. They like that status of having a wife and children but don't actually want to do that much with it- you have to decide if this is enough, I guess.

I married the wrong person. I knew pretty much straight away but I tried, hard, to make it work

Then I left. I am poorer, I am divorced, I am somewhat emotionally scarred. I lost friends.

It was so worth it. I now live with the man I should have waited for. Hes not perfect - neither am I - but hes perfect for me and I am deeply content.

I am with the wrong guy. We get on really well and are affectionate, but there is no sex and I have never been in love with him. He's an amazing dad and a major reason I stayed with him pre cd is that I knew this would be so. I thought sex wouldn't matter after dc and being a great team was more important. And maybe it is. But the thought of what I have missed out on is sometimes overwhelming. I have no idea what to do.

If you really think that seeing their father not greet their mother when he comes home, not show her any affection, and basically ignore her is having no effect on your children, you're seriously deluding yourself. This is much more harmful than the possibility of not living in a 'nice' area or going in a 'good' schoo.