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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tore husband a new one last night.

85 replies

Betrayedbutsurvived · 29/05/2015 19:15

And I don't know if I over reacted because of past experience with abusive ex.

He was messing around on his iPad, reading through the dreaded FB, and reading out random "funny" statuses to me. Suddenly he started laughing like a drain, literally wiping tears and gasping, so I waited expectantly for the hilarious witticism.

It was a "joke" from someone he went to school with. I'm paraphrasing, but basically, it was something along the lines of , he went crabbing but couldn't catch many so went home for a pair of his wife's used knickers, it took ten men to haul the catch in after that.

Now this is exactly the kind of shit my ex used to come out with, in fact I thank god FB didn't exist then, or he'd have posted this for sure, so I went ballistic. I was crying, yelling at him that I thought he was better than that, that it was misogynistic crap, and that this twats poor wife was probably abused and he was sat laughing about it. I really went to town. He was shocked and apologised, but then said that saying I was disappointed in him was a "vile thing" to say. So I exploded again! How dare he make out I was in the wrong etc.

Anyway, all calmed down, he apologised profusely, deleted the twat, and says he has learned from the episode, so we've made up. To be fair to him, in the 16 years we've been together hes never come out with crap like that, so I do think it was a one off and he's learnt.

But now I feel guilty. Should I apologise, did I over react because of twat face ex, or is it normal to be so offended by this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Offred · 29/05/2015 19:19

I think it is normal to be offended but not normal to be so upset. I think you need to explain to him why you were bringing up abuse.

There is nothing wrong with objecting to something like this and I don't think he was right to say being disappointed in him was a vile thing to say. He's probably not connected the dots though and could do with and explanation of why you feel so strongly.

SaucyJack · 29/05/2015 19:22

You sound mental.

I might consider taking you more serious if you hadn't used a vile sexual violence slur in your thread title.

Gumnast2014 · 29/05/2015 19:27

Couldn't read past title

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:27

I think your husband found a moronic comment hysterically funny which for sure reflects on him, but I do think you over reacted

Crying, yelling, tearing new ones etc.

Far, far too much drama. It would have been better to calmly call out the misogyny.

I wouldn't call you "mental" though, as I consider that to be also offensive.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 29/05/2015 19:29

Point taken about the title. Apologies to anyone it offended.

Thanks offered, he does know about the abuse, but didn't connect the dots, much like me and the title I guess.

I do worry that I'm "mental" as saucy puts it, it's so bloody difficult to put it all behind me. I guess I owe him an apology.

OP posts:
Mide7 · 29/05/2015 19:29

I think you did over react because of your ex. IMO you should apologise but also make it clear why you were so upset. Perhaps he'll be more sensitive in future.

And I can't really see why the joke was misogynistic. It was just a rubbish joke.

SelfLoathing · 29/05/2015 19:30

It seems massively hypocritical to react like that but title your own post "tore husband a new one last night".

AnyoneForTennis · 29/05/2015 19:30

You were being silly and way over the top

Happyfriday · 29/05/2015 19:31

If you've been with him 16 years I think you should let him off on this occasion. You could have just said, I don't find that funny.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:31

I would say the joke was "sexist" not necessarily "misogynistic". Sometimes the terms are interchangeable but not always.

I hope you are ok, love. Why don't you make him a nice cuppa and tel him why you think you reacted as you did

he loves you, he didn't want to hurt you

BlueBananas · 29/05/2015 19:31

Wow
Massively major major major over reaction
And yes you do sound mental

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:32

ok, ok

lay off the op, she gets it...ok ?

Offred · 29/05/2015 19:32

Look it's ok to go 'mental', sometimes when you've been abused you can't really help it.

You do need to explain why it happened and what things you are sensitive over and why though so he knows.

Happyfriday · 29/05/2015 19:33

If you've been with this guy 16 years, how long ago was the ex?

SaucyJack · 29/05/2015 19:34

Fair point AnyFucker.

The irony of me using a disablist slur to complain about the OP using a sexual violence slur to complain about her DP's friend's misogynist slur did occur to me as I pressed post.

Let's all just calm the fuck down and have a nice cup of tea Brew

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:36

yeah, lets Brew

AnyoneForTennis · 29/05/2015 19:36

Reading it again I feel sorry for the poor bloke!

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:39

he'll get over it

ovumahead · 29/05/2015 19:40

Definitely explain to him, otherwise he'll end up filtering his thoughts before expressing them in front of you. Which would be oppressive and boring. He touched a nerve and needs to know why. You don't need to apologise for reacting, but perhaps you need to apologise for the part of your reaction that was over the top.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:41

yep, I agree with that

I wouldn't over apologise. Tell him what triggered your over reaction. If he's a good guy, he'll get it.

Royalsighness · 29/05/2015 19:42

You seriously owe him an apology that was horrible

RagingJellyBean · 29/05/2015 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TidyDancer · 29/05/2015 19:43

Massive overeaction. Have you explained to him why you think you reacted like that? I'm not going to have a go at you, because I don't think you need that, but I would apologise and explain to your DP.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 19:46

there is no "pretentious twattery" in objecting to a "joke" that demeans women

unless we all cool with that Hmm

Betrayedbutsurvived · 29/05/2015 19:47

Thank you for standing up for me AF, and anyone else who gave me such kind responses.

I'm truly sorry for the title, I'm going to apologise to my DH now.

OP posts: