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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tore husband a new one last night.

85 replies

Betrayedbutsurvived · 29/05/2015 19:15

And I don't know if I over reacted because of past experience with abusive ex.

He was messing around on his iPad, reading through the dreaded FB, and reading out random "funny" statuses to me. Suddenly he started laughing like a drain, literally wiping tears and gasping, so I waited expectantly for the hilarious witticism.

It was a "joke" from someone he went to school with. I'm paraphrasing, but basically, it was something along the lines of , he went crabbing but couldn't catch many so went home for a pair of his wife's used knickers, it took ten men to haul the catch in after that.

Now this is exactly the kind of shit my ex used to come out with, in fact I thank god FB didn't exist then, or he'd have posted this for sure, so I went ballistic. I was crying, yelling at him that I thought he was better than that, that it was misogynistic crap, and that this twats poor wife was probably abused and he was sat laughing about it. I really went to town. He was shocked and apologised, but then said that saying I was disappointed in him was a "vile thing" to say. So I exploded again! How dare he make out I was in the wrong etc.

Anyway, all calmed down, he apologised profusely, deleted the twat, and says he has learned from the episode, so we've made up. To be fair to him, in the 16 years we've been together hes never come out with crap like that, so I do think it was a one off and he's learnt.

But now I feel guilty. Should I apologise, did I over react because of twat face ex, or is it normal to be so offended by this kind of thing?

OP posts:

Bahh · 29/05/2015 20:14

I think people have overreacted to your overreaction! Very very big of you to go and apologise to him, I have had overreactions to OH due to past EA and I know how hard it is to recognise what you've done and why, and you're a bigger person than me for being able to approach it in this way. So big well done from me. I hope you can get some help to feel better about your past and process things differently next time x

coolaschmoola · 29/05/2015 20:17

AF - I agree with virtually everything you have said on here; apart from 'he'll get over it' - the op was verbally abusive to him because she clearly hasn't 'got over it' in sixteen years.

We can't use past abuse as justification for a trigger response if we then dismiss the impact of current verbal abuse from the past victim. It's hypocritical. He might not 'get over it'.

He might, but I don't think you should be so dismissive of him or his feelings. Particularly as his wife has sexually violent terminology as part of her vernacular - if she's putting that out without thought the day after the event I very much doubt that her yelling and screaming was of the 'that's really offensive, stop it' variety....

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 20:21

well, he lit the touch paper knowing op's relationship history so I dunno

she knows she over reacted but I wouldn't let behaviour like he has demonstrated go either

he sounded immature and sexist which is not a good look...and indeed he should "get over it"

RedDwarfPosse · 29/05/2015 20:24

As a victim of domestic abuse myself I understand the over-reaction. When I first got with my current partner I was constantly reading too much into the slightest thing because of my vile ex... I saw everything as a 'sign' of underlying bastardry waiting to emerge. Because that's what happened with my ex - the inner bastard suddenly appeared when we moved in together, and I beat myself up for a long time for not recognising 'the signs' earlier.... It does not make you mental or a horrible person like some of the insensitive battle axes have called you.

However, it was just a silly joke, no meaning behind it and you did over-react slightly. A little apology wouldnt do any harm. But his support wouldn't either

The only way I got over my demons was through my current partner being VERY patient with me. And 6 years later I still haven't seen the bastard within I was scared of. Because most men aren't really like that. It's just a few of us get unlucky.

Big hugs OP - I'm sure after 16 yrs your current partner meant no harm, he loves you. He just has a rather juvenile sense of humour (so does my current partner! I've learnt to just tell to shut the f**k up! Lol)

peggyundercrackers · 29/05/2015 20:25

No he shouldn't get over it, OP had a massive over reaction to a joke... No it wasn't sexist, no it wasn't mysoginistic. You cannot abuse people because of your past - it's just not on.

Mide7 · 29/05/2015 20:27

I agree coolas. I think on here a lot of the time here, people's first reaction is to scream abuse. Something along the line of the OP showing her true colours and the other stuff she does which is nice, is just a facade. To be fair a lot of the time it is.

That being said a lot of what I read here is abuse and I'm not in anyway trying to defend abuser. It's a very very fine line.

I hope I'm not putting words in your mouth.

Offred · 29/05/2015 20:29

Yeah, it was sexist... Like 'ye ma' jokes are sexist...

Yeah, it was an overreaction but also yeah, really he should be able to get over it but not without the op explaining and apologising.

Offred · 29/05/2015 20:30

And I think the op should look into some support for the issues the abusive relationship has left.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 29/05/2015 20:32

How can anyone say that 'joke' wasn't sexist? Seriously?

peggyundercrackers · 29/05/2015 20:34

The OPs language all throughout her messages has been shocking - I tore him a new one? Really imagine a bloke coming on here saying that about his OH... No matter what he would be told it's unacceptable.

OP and her DP have been together 16yrs and he has never done anything like this before yet Op is blaming something that happened more than 16 yrs ago on screaming, shouting, crying, name calling etc. etc. sorry that doesnt add up. oP needs serious help if that's the case - it's not normal to carry that kind of anger for over 16yrs then just burst over a non sexist joke - even if someone did find it sexist to blame it on something that happened over 16yrs ago is unreasonable.

Offred · 29/05/2015 20:36

Not had much experience with abuse then Peggy?

Unless you deal with issues after abuse, and often even if you do, things keep coming up and triggering you and this means you sometimes overreact. Yes, 10, 15, 20, 40 years later.... That's why being abused is supremely shit.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 20:37

the "joke" was sexist

op's partner's behaviour was puerile around it

op has acknowledged she over reacted, apologised for her language to us and is going to apologise to her partner and look further into something like the Freedom Programme

what more do people want here ?

missqwerty · 29/05/2015 20:39

Totally agree with peggy undercrackers, what the OP did was abusive. That been said she has her reasons and I've been there and over react ted due to past abuse myself. Don't beat your self up op, work on yourself and you can get past this

peggyundercrackers · 29/05/2015 20:40

AF I don't consider the joke sexist - you can think what you want but I'm happy with my stance.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 20:41

that's ok then, peggy

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 20:42

but op wasn't ok with it, and that is her call to make

Offred · 29/05/2015 20:48

Not sure there is an opinion to have over the joke really. It's a sexist joke and there are people who realise that and people who don't...

JAPAB · 29/05/2015 20:50

"I might consider taking you more serious if you hadn't used a vile sexual violence slur in your thread title."

Blimey. Sexual violence slur?

SunsetsAndStarlings · 29/05/2015 20:55

The joke was obviously sexist. Unfunny and designed to belittle women. It really doesn't matter if you seem to think it wasn't, Peggy. The OP was upset by it, and it triggered a reaction rooted in past abuse. She is trying to understand that and has apologised both here and to her husband....as AF said, what MORE do people want? Just leave her alone. It is rotten to see smug people line up to hurt someone who is already really hurting!!

SaucyJack · 29/05/2015 21:14

Yes, that's correct JAPAB. "Tear someone a new one/asshole" is an anal rape threat that originated from prison rape culture.

TBF on the OP, I think many people use it now without having the foggiest consideration for what it actually means.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 21:21

I see "tear her/him a new one" a lot these days. It makes me cringe, tbh. A bit like "smash her back doors in". But Op has apologised for her wording, which is more than some of the respondents on this thread have for theirs.

Charley50 · 29/05/2015 21:25

I don't think he should have felt he had to delete his old school friend because of a lame sexist joke.

Happyfriday · 29/05/2015 21:26

I didn't know it meant that.

Happyfriday · 29/05/2015 21:27

Maybe op didn't.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 29/05/2015 22:04

The joke was sexist IMHO. It's about how women's knickers (and therefore their genitals) smell of fish. Yeah, fucking hilarious! These "jokes" (normally said by men) are just a small element that can undermine women's self esteem...our genetals are either too loose ("wizard's sleeve", "fingered by the hulk", etc) or smell (Nic Nacs, crab bait). Oh yes, and if you've had more than the number of sexual partners deamed acceptable by men you are also a "slut". Great, Let's all have a laugh at the joke about fishy fannies, it's only everyday sexism

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